Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone

I won't lie, I wanted you to ask how I was today, so that I could say bad.
Although I said to him 'You're lucky I'm ok with all of this, or that comment would really have hurt me', I realised soon after that I had lied, and it just straight out hurt my feelings. That sounds sort of half-assed and lame, but heart-broken is too much, so oh well.

You went to punch me in the arm and said 'hang on if your ovaries don't work, are you still a woman? does that mean I can hit you?'

Needless to say, I was shocked. For those who don't know, I have polycystic ovaries syndrome, its pretty common, i have it pretty easy and i'm generally ok with it, go google it if you want.

Although I know that of course I am still a woman, and the fact that I will probably have to use IVF to have my own children doesn't jeapordise my feminity, it still hurt. And although I know full well the answer to the question is ' how dare you say that to me, of course I am still a woman and i will punch you back harder anyway', I have to admit, the question still stings.

And yeah, I wanted you to notice that I wasn't smiling, but I guess I am too good at faking my way through, chances are I told you I was OK without even noticing I did it. Besides, right now you are a whole different kettle of distant fish...


Sunday, November 21, 2010

Frame me and hang me on the wall

Ok, I won't deny, this trivial stuff is getting to me today.

I am sick of feeling like I am not being listened to.
I am sick of the 'just in case' policy. The 'just in case' policy leaves you with 50 million times more stuff than you needed.
I am sick of trying to get this organised between so many people.
I am sick of your tension.
I am sick of my tension.
I am sick of my hypocrisy.
I just want to be there already, and relax.

So, valid point, I need more sleep, and my fatigue is making everything more annoying.
But for crying out loud, did I not say all of this twice already??


Friday, November 5, 2010

I can't get no...

Alternative title : dear church,

We sing 'God be the Solution', and about healing broken hearts, breaking chains and though I believe that a faith community has the power and potential to do that, and I certainly believe it of God, these days I believe it less and less of the church. As the days roll by, I do my best, but I cannot overrun this restless dissatisfaction.

If it wasn't for the fact that I am determined to make a change, I think I would just leave. If it weren't for the the people, I would just leave.

Can the church ever do what we promise to? can religion ever actually work?



am I doomed to spend my entire life pouring myself into something I don't entirely believe in? Trying desperately to make it work?





will it ever?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

are you going round the twist?

I am a sheep, so here I am writing letters, copying Ben at Closer to the Heart, just like leish at L is for Leish

and no, no my lettering is not the same as theirs, and i'm not gonna try to be comprehensive like leish lol.

A: I am really angry at you. For a while I was, then for a while I wasn't, and now I really, really am. (the end of that sentence is kinda awkward...). You screwed him over, twice. You know better than anyone what that would do, you knew, and still know, that there is more to this than you, but no, thats fine. Go off and be happy with some other guy, its bitter of me, and I'll probably just give in and talk to you, but I don't want you to be there, I don't want to see or hear from you that night. Just stand in a corner and remember that no-one wants you there, and that you had no right to do what you did.

M: I cannot wait to spend big chunks of summer with you, I've missed our chilled out fun times together, the loose-lips florence days that just don't seem to happen anymore. Basically, I love you to bits, you are super beautiful and you're still one of my closest friends, even though we seem to have drifted just a teensy bit, i'm gonna steal you right on back, i'm determined that we can be even closer than we were before all this stress-shit :)

T: I miss you so much! I'm so glad you have such an amazing girlfriend to look after you, even better than I used to, it is good because now I get to just miss you, and not worry :) If you hadn't twigged by now, you must keep this girl!!! (listen to your mother :P) I can't wait to see you at formal, or hopefully before, I have got some really tall shoes so you won't make me look like a midget in the pictures :) Oh, and just because its tradition now, I am going to break your ribs with a hug :)

S: I can't believe we are all leaving you already, even being back with you today felt weird, and its only been a few days. There are some things that I am so glad to never have to deal with again, but over all, I'm going to miss you! But I guess that is what happens when life happens, and we both know i'll be back.

M: You truly light up my life just by being in it, and i'm never letting go of you <3

K: Even if we drift over the next few years, we both know we'll be together in the end, and God has his hand over whatever happens, I'll always remember you very, very fondly every time I hear mighty to save, and you always have a special little spot in my heart :)

H: Sometimes when you walk into a room, you are just so damn hot that a little piece of me dies inside :P but THEN you are just so funny and lovely and beautiful to be around, that I don't even care! Your party was absolutely smashing, and you are just amazing to be around in general. love you!!!

R: If I have to take a million beautiful pictures of you and tell you a billion times that you are incredible to look at, be around and have the pleasure of calling my friend, i will. Because a person as wonderful as you are deserves to know it.

C: I don't really have a lot to say to you here, because these days I can just talk to you about whatever, whenever. So I guess I will just say, that that means a lot to me, and I am over-the-moon-happy to call you my bestie, finally lol. You are one of only two people I can be totally honest with, and that means a lot :)

B: I freaking love you. I love that you are so kind, sweet, ready to help others even with so much on your own mental plate, and just the cutest damn thing ever to walk the earth. And because I never lie to you, because you'll know and never listen to me again, I will say that you are a little too honest sometimes, which you know, but as you so beautifully put it the other day, our love is a rock <3

V: Sometimes I want to hit you, but sometimes I want to hit a lot of people haha. I love you very much, you know that, and I miss you heaps, which I hope you know too. Looking forward to seeing you again, and more often. <3 <3 <3

B: Back off my best friend. You might be better at maths and science, and be able to kick my ass in any video game but solitaire, but seriously. Back off, or be prepared to have your ass kicked IRL, public school style. I don't even care if i have to take both of you at once, enough is enough.

W: I know from reading your amazing blog that you can feel a bit unnoticed and unappreciated, but I want you to know that I think you are a really amazing guy, and an asset to everything you are involved in. Your girl is so lucky to have you, as is our whole group. We love you!!!

S: I miss you so much! Its like, I sort of see you every week, get a touch base and a big hug and a reminder to each other that we are still brother and sister, sometimes I text you when songs make me think of you, but mostly I miss our amazing chats that actually mattered. we've gotta catch up, ok?

Monday, October 25, 2010

Unfold me...

So, I am still pretty worried about You, but I am determined to blog about something other than that...

I am realising, slowly but surely, that the end of year twelve means the end of all of it. It means the end of seeing each other, and in all honesty, it probably means the end of a lot of friendships.

Sadly, I have actually got lists of people, in categories of
'if I lose these people I will die'
'definitely try to keep in touch with'
'I'd love to, but sadly its unlikely'
'maybe, but probably not'
'swap professional details in a supermarket aisle in ten years'  and
'no. just no.'

And I have to say, there is a serious bell-effect going on there. Lots in the middle, few at either end.
The few at the top end, I am sorry, but you are not escaping me.

  Wild horses couldn't drag me away

Monday, October 18, 2010

everything will be alright...

A few things on my mind tonight.

First, final assembly was disappointing and anti-climactic, but next week we will leave and not come back. This is....well I don't really know what it means to me right now. I am just very, very tired. So, a little sad, a little scared, a little happy, a little excited, a lot numbed.
A lot tired.


Second, I am so worried about you. Again. I thought maybe you were getting a little better, but then we talked properly again, and I see now I was very wrong. And I want to talk about you with somebody, but I'm assuming you haven't told many people, and I'm sure not going to assume to the contrary.

But far out I am worried...

Its like you fell into a hole. you fell into a hole, and everyone thinks you should be getting out of it by now, so you are standing on your toes and jumping up when they walk past to make it look like you are getting somewhere. They all believe you, but I come and sit by the hole and say 'hi', watching you and frowning intently. 'Whats wrong?' I ask. 'nothing', you say.  You try to tell me its fine, i don't believe you. I will keep frowning and keep saying hi, keep not believing your lie until you are ready to admit it.
But what more can I do?
I am increasingly thinking the answer may simply, and always, be...

'nothing'

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Time was never money.

So today I am in a brilliant mood, so I thought I would liven up this poor little 'ohemgeeschoolsucksifeellikeiamdyingandmybrainisfallingawaylikewetcake' blog thing and get some happy up in here!

Today is just....good.

I had a nice chat with the bakers delight girl about buses, and city, and state library, classics, year twelve and school. Dropped my resume off at the fine foods cafe and grabbed an amazing mocha, then dropped my car off at the ultra tune, where the man was lovely, great service, and he even opened the door for me when I was drowning in laptop, handbag, books and coffee.

I love public transport. This might seem weird, but when it works, and especially when I get amazing bus drivers like I did today. Funny man with an english accent, commented with joking jealousy about my coffee and I said 'yeah haha, what I haven't spilt on myself...' he replied 'spilt! surely not! I mean its one thing to love it, and maybe bath in it, but spill it?'. He also was a great driver and we were spot on time.

All of these people, two of my best friends who are sitting across from me, the tie around my neck and waistcoat on my shoulders and the lovely stack of helpful apartheid related books beside me have made my day, and it's not even half through.

And to top it all off, I think I just met my soul mate lol. Young girl just walked past in the library, heading towards the newspapers wearing a short-ish black skirt, cute floralish shirt thing, gorgeous tweed jacket, shiny black shoes that were like flats with platforms and the most amazing tights I've ever seen. White one leg, black the other, Cruella de vil would die of jealousy and suffice to say, I must have her. Or, you know, her clothes.

So basically, I am very thankful for the little blessings in the form of smiles and switchfoot, dancing and singing in public because today, I truly cannot help myself.

God is good.
Hope is never-failing.
Faith is mine.
Grace is free.
Love is real.
Hope is strong.

Monday, September 20, 2010

It always comes back to you...

So I wrote this a few days ago when I was in the middle of rapidly swapping between tailspin and frozen with fear and I want you to know that I am slightly more ok now, have picked myself up and kept going. Still lots of conquering to do, but at least for now I know I can do it, which is a big deal for me at the moment. But no worrying, ok? And to those of you who've helped me start this conquering, giving me ideas for special studies and such things, I owe you one, I don't know what I would have done without you. Ok, I do, I would have frozen up, driven away, and never come back. So thanks <3





Solid, violent in its stubborn refusal to budge any further, the wall is cool against my forehead as I rest for these moments. I know each will cost me later, as I watch those next to me carrying on with such ease, I just can't do it anymore.

The past months and weeks I have slammed myself against it, for each scar, tear, each drop of blood, sweat and anxiety has chiselled away another piece. 

I have fallen to doubt, illness, exhaustion. Sometimes others have helped me up, but most of these falls are unseen, and all down to me. 

The wall is left, now, with nine giant stones, all but two of the smaller pieces are gone. I know that the foundation stones are designed to be chiselled away in pieces, but I don't know how to approach them and no-one can tell me. 

So I stand here, hands and forehead leaning on it, wishing to to just fall and be over, but I know it will take much more than this. 

I know I am close, I can see the light through the cracks that I paid for with little pieces of myself. I have become currency, only a sum of energy, time, will and words. Parts of my life, heart, mind, soul, have been traded for these things and as I stare at what remains to be conquered, I don't know that I've got that much left. 

Like a child or a desperate man pulling their empty pockets inside out I pick and pull at myself. Nope, not that much left...

I know that I need to reach deeper and find something to trade, to burn and consume in a last desperate push at this wall. Nine desperate pushes, which maybe I can afford, but not with any left spare...
No more backup, no more buffer, 

crunch time.

and always, the two questions hovering over me...

What if I genuinely can't pick myself up again?

What's it even for, if I do make it, what's on the other side? 
What then?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

the same mistakes again...

I cannot tell you how angry I am with you right now.
Due to the fact that I am avoiding my drama homework like a pro, I have been facebook stalking, and your profile and pictures within just happened to fall prey to my boredom.

I know what it feels like to be replaced, and he was better about it than you are. At least pretend to care, even tinman could do that much, at least for a while.

Maybe the two of you are just too alike, but the thing is, he's moved on from it, and you two were much, much more serious than we ever were.

So you broke his heart. You'd begun replacing him before you even did the breaking, so the swap, for you at least, seems to have gone pretty smoothly. Congrats on that.

You shattered my best friend and I felt sorry for you, sympathetic, said I'd look after him for you.

I cannot tell you how angry I am with you right now.

I tried to tell myself I was just being an over-protective friend and that it wasn't your fault, situations, life happens, blah blah blah. No more.

He loves you. Even now, right this second, I'd bet anything he'd take you back.
He would do anything to make it work.

And you?

You broke his heart, happy?

Of course you are, and thats the problem.


How dare you.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

This is not what I planned at all...

So I'm getting that feeling again. The feeling that I will lose to her again, have to swallow my stupid pride again, try to be graceful, pull in the acting skills and smile and congratulate her. Remind myself over and over again how much I love her, that it is a great thing that I know somebody like her, that I'm blessed to call her a close friend. To shut up that ridiculous bitter part of me who will watch her make her speech and say 'it should have been me.' I bet she'll get the subject award I'm after too, and the same again. I will poison valedictory for myself cos I am too damn proud.

I'm sure you guys who read this already know this about me, but I have to be good at things, and I am essentially an attention seeker. I won't deny I love a spotlight. It is a thing that I have made a part of myself, succeeding. Writing, music, drama, public speaking. The writing was never my top thing, so it is OK with me now that I must concede to much less than best. The music...has been hard to swallow. I don't fail music, I am good at music. I failed my last solo, and my theory skills have definitely slipped. I have had to swallow that, tell myself like a bitter, cranky little child, that 'I never wanted to be a good technical musician anyway, I like to perform my own stuff, my own way.' I have had to learn that I am very far from best at music, but if I didn't have what little glory I get... And drama... I am still using the compliments from this time last week, drowning out the voice in my head that says 'you wanted the lead and didn't get it, she's better than you.'

But... I always had public speaking. It was my thing I could do, it was what was left over after all these things I thought I could be great at melted away. And by great, I mean the best in my immediate area. I know, it's dumb. I have always known there are people much better than me out in the big wide world, but I never wanted to meet them or be beaten by them in person. I am aware that it is shallow and ridiculous. I tell myself that every time I am confronted with it.

I always had public speaking, I could get up, make things up on the spot if I knew the topic well enough, I could be funny, engaging, confident, clear. I have had my eyes set on valedictorian for a while, I will not deny it. I want it. I have convinced myself that I could get it. And now...now I am worried that this incredible girl who I love so, so much, will beat me again. I am afraid of what I have taught myself is failure, I am afraid of my own injured pride, and I am afraid of my poisoning bitterness.

And yet, I still want to be valedictorian.

I wish I could say I don't understand myself...

Saturday, September 4, 2010

we are all at sea...

Sometimes I read/think/hear/see my own name and feel incredibly distant from myself all of a sudden, like when you are talking to someone and turn around to realise they aren't there, and have not been for several minutes/sentences/confessions.
Like when you have rested your hand on your leg in the same place for a long time and forget it is there, to look down at it, see it, not feel it, and freak out a little on the inside.
Like when you are holding up your weight by a rope and someone swiftly chops it with a cheese knife.
Like when you forget the reality of your own name.

Oh wait, it is exactly that.


sometimesithinkiamslowlysteadilysurelylosinglargepiecesofmyselfandnotnecessarilyinagoodway

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

All the anger here, all the pain inside...

Something is very wrong.

My foot is glued to the accelerator, the break disintegrated into nightmare long ago.

I just wanted to cruise along, I just wanted to be happy and relaxed, but now I got sucked into this thing, and I'm just

Rushing rushing rushing rushing
trees, fences, houses, streetlights
rushingrushingrushingrushing
right on past me

as I am rushingrushingrushingrushingforward to this... this thing

This big black, howling, hungry thing.

And right before it, is this moment.

I can feel it coming.

My eyes are watering, begging me, pulling with every thread of desperation I have ever felt, pulling themselves closed, beseeching me to just let them go, just let them shut, let them rest, just let them fall right down and rest there, tired, exhausted, drained, empty, begging, completely desperate. Just let me close.
Just.
Let.
Me.
Close.

Please.

I can see it coming.

My hands are aching, splitting at the bone, pulling themselves away from the wheel, pleading for someone else to take control, to take the lead. Don't leave me hear at the helm of my own life, I can't trust myself, why should you? Don't make me fight through this, I can't, it will wrench me apart either way, so why bother? Muscles retracting themselves, pulling, pulling, pulling away from control, crying surrender, screaming at me to just let go.

Just.
Let.
Go.

I can feel it coming.


This moment, this decisive moment that I am rocketing towards.
This choice.

This choice between closing my eyes for that second, pulling my hands off the wheel and just saying 'OK, consume me, whatever, I can't do this anymore' or wrenching my foot off the pedal. Ripping my soul off of that pedal, shredding the skin, tendons and muscle and bone all exposed, all of me exposed, rip it of to slam raw flesh right back down again, find some trace of determination, some last drop of strength from somewhere, but where? Wherever it is, it's deep down, and drilling into the bedrock of yoruself, not pretty.

So what do I do?

As much as I would love to stay stuck in this moment, as much as I despise every second, I do not have that option. Pausing time, is not an option.

Give up and be shredded, or break out the dynamite and find something, and push into and through this big, black thing.

And even as I rush with all involuntary haste toward it, I cannot choose.

Even as I can see the light gleam in its eyes and feel its breath on my face...

I do not have an answer...

Monday, August 23, 2010

Breathing out joy after breathing in pain

I want to be overwhelmed. With anything.

Joy, love, despair, hope, pain.

Anything but being slowly eaten away by this stress and self-inflicted exhaustion.
And as much as it is permeating me already, and as much as I hate it, I would even prefer frustration.
As long as it's a lot of it.

Basically I want to feel enough to cry, to cry my damn eyes out.
I am tired of wandering around, being tired.
I am starting to talk to myself again, I am dreaming about politics and the men of my dreams (completely literally) and I can hardly keep from screaming at my father.





Come on, shove me into overload, we all know I'm heading that way anyway.


Friday, July 2, 2010

It's sad, but in the end it might be funny

I miss you. You aren't even gone, geographically. But I miss the real you, and I'm sure you do too.

This year (as I'm sure all the others will too actually) takes its toll on each of us, but it appears to have hit you the worst.(Note to everyone else, I am not forgetting you in this, I am just...being specific this time)

This makes me very sad, as I wonder if I should have been able to do something about it...

But you are not you at the moment, and I know you don't need to be told that.
This is not a guilt trip, definitely not. Because you are still lovely and you still listen to me whine even though I don't have a boyfriend to miss, or a care in the world regarding that matter. I think my wonderful family alone should be enough to shut me up with thankfulness, but turns out it isn't.

I just want to say... not in a guilt trippy way, that I am very excited to get my real best friend back. At the moment I get glimpses of her, and even in your current stress addled state you are still lovely.

But I can't wait for all of us to come back.

It'll happen, it has to.
And if it doesn't, I'm becoming a hermit in the Flinder's Ranges, please feed my tamagotchi.



Saturday, June 26, 2010

Annie are you ok?

This is an ittie bittie study break :)

I just wanted to tell you about the mental image that is getting me through this week.
And no, it is not the sight of 'the beast' falling down an endless flight of stairs, I've hardly seen her in the last week haha. It's a combination of three people, two are fictional characters and one some of you might think is a fictional character, but I disagree.

The first, is Miranda Bailey, from Grey's Anatomy. Her role in this pile of mental weirdness is to be there to lovingly kick my in the behind when either I'm procrastinating like crazy and going to get myself failed real, real hard or when I'm going into a 'ohmygodohmygodohmygodican'tdothisohmygodican'tdothis' tail spin. Bailey grabs my chin, looks me in the eyes and says 'STOP! you are GOING to make it, now enough freakin out and PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER'. She is a little rough and tough, but she does it with love. And you know, she's frickin awesome.

Second is the Doctor. No prizes for guessing this one haha. It's either Matt Smith or David Tennant depending on my mood. Whichever one tells me to be brilliant, to be the best of humanity and all the brilliant pep-talk stuff that they give humans and gives me the best hug ever, because every single one of the Doctor's hugs are the best ones ever hehe. Oh, and don't blink, of course.

And who's the third one I hear you ask? Jesus. Jesus doesn't say heaps, he just kinda sits near me while I'm studying, or in the exams themselves, he knows how hard I have to concentrate. He keeps himself occupied quietly, keeping me company and silently encouraging me in the deepest way possible. I like to imagine him sitting there casually humming four part harmony all by himself, absent mindedly writing a symphony, or growing a new species of flower right before my eyes. Sometimes Jesus is so awesome he makes it hard to study haha. I hope this last one doesn't weird too many people out, but at the same time, I don't really care.



In other news, I'm watching moonwalker. And absolutely loving it. My respect, appreciation and enjoyment levels for MJ just skyrocketed. I'm loving seeing him at least looking happy, like the bit when he's running around in the studio, that cheeky grin, I love it.

I guess in a way I've always felt a bit sorry for him. To me he always seemed...well sad, a little disturbed. I think I agree with his being cleared, I don't know that I think he ever actually assaulted little boys or anything like that, but there was still always something strange about his kids in the masks all the time and such. But watching moonwalker, and the scenes of MJ with the kids, it just seems a little like he did what I and so many people want so badly to do, he avoided growing up and kept a great imagination.

Maybe in the real world that doesn't work. But yeah, his apparent relationship with these kids in this movie, is awesome.

Oh, and the video for smooth criminal? My favourite, FREAKIN AWESOME

Happy birthday Irene...

So very, very much to be said tonight, so few words.

I went hunting for the passage the speaker was talking about tonight, its in 1 John 3. Looked a little broader in this chapter by 'accident' and it's hit home pretty deeply, and beautifully...

1 John 3:11 'This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another.'

1 John 3:17-20 'If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.'

I suppose tonight my heart condemned me a little.

To fill you guys in, it was a really moving service at XS tonight, guy from compassion spoke to us about goodness and how true goodness is using the unique thing that God made you brilliant at, to make a difference in a world where three quarters of the worlds food is eaten by one quarter of its population, and the amount that quarter wastes is more than the other three quarters actually eat. In this world where 25,000 children under the age of five will dive of starvation and preventable disease tonight, as I sleep in my warm cosy bed. And as I get up tomorrow morning, whinging about umpiring netball in the cold, I'll earn in an hours easy work what they would earn and live on in a week and a half.

We think we are stuck in a rutt? As we complain about school, work, issues with our relationships etc, feeling that we are walking the same road again and again, going over the same cycles, the cycles of poverty perpetuate too. Twenty five thousand. Thats twice the adelaide entertainment centre. Every. Single. Day. One child every three seconds. Watch a clock. Count.

Personally, I can't do it because it's simply too painful. I'll start crying within a minute of starting. So maybe that's a good challenge for you, find an analogue clock and count for a bit. one, two, three. Make a list of people you know, anyone who matters to you, and watch a clock. Every three seconds, cross one off. See how many people you loved would have died in two or three minutes.

Every time I hear a sermon like that, or watch the videos, I can't help but cry. I prayed in a song once, asking God to 'break my heart for what breaks yours' and sometimes I wish I hadn't. But I know that this pain that sometimes overwhelms me, to the point where I cry myself to sleep, it will motivate me to use the gifts God has given me. Holy discontent style.

So yeah, I cried a lot tonight haha, that just kinda seems to happen to me, I'm an emotional person I guess. The thing was, I got home and my sister said I had a letter from compassion. I didn't leap with joy or anything, because often they are appeals for more money, which as much as I would love to give it to them, I truly and sadly do not have. But tonight was one of those magic nights, a letter from Sharon, my sponsor child in Uganda.

And the most special thing about it? She signed her name herself, for the first time ever. She's five, turning six in february and she makes my heart sing. Sponsoring her is one of the most active things I can actually do in the world right now, that and advocacy and prayer, of course.

But yeah, then I got home and found that verse and it was like 'woah, awesome'.

So yet again, I lay my big fat questions of 'OHMYGOODNESSBLARGHWHATAMIGOINGTODOWITHMYLIIIFEEEEE' at the foot of the cross and leave them there. Because really, what am I going to do with those questions anyway? Nothing useful, that's for sure.

So even though I feel much better, and very hopeful about God's plans for my life, I have to remember that the pain of the world is still there...

So, to todays twenty five thousand...
I am so, so sorry. I wish I knew your names...


Friday, June 18, 2010

You can think what you like but its not like what you think

Hey guys, if you're interested, I've got a new blog at
www.butitsnotlikewhatyouthink.blogspot.com

I'm not leaving this one, this is just kind of an extra thing. Each entry on 'truthfully...' will be a one or two sentence secret, expressed in a general way, no names or details etc, but specific to me. Kind of like 'I wrote this for you' but not as well written or awesome haha. But yeah, check it out, share some love, leave a comment :)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The falling leaves drift by my window

Before I say what I'm going to say, I need to make something COMPLETELY clear.
Or at least I hope it will be clear.

To the person this is directed at (don't worry, you'll know)
I'm not angry, bitter or jealous.
I don't think that you shouldn't be able to rely on him.
I don't think that I should come before him.
yeah, not angry, not attacking you.
I really, really hope you understand that.

But sometimes, when I read your answers to the questions on formspring of who is your best friend and answer that it's him...
Argh... I mean, I'm not mad, I know you care about me and at the risk of sounding arrogant, I know that you love me, just as I love you.

But I can't help but wonder what it'll be like when you guys get married. I have a feeling that I'll probably be single for a while and I'm wondering what life is gonna be like, when I'm 'the single one'. When you guys need husbandandwife time, you know, when you're raising a family and whatnot.

I hope it doesn't sound self centred, I don't mean it in a whiney 'don't forget to pay attention to me' way. And I don't intend this to be a reflection on you as individuals, or as a couple, at all.
Just... just on the way the world works, social dynamics and such, in general terms.

It's similar to the ponderings I know others have been having about life post-school, how will our friendships look in the context of a different time, a different stage of life and whatnot.

I think it will be interesting, and hopefully not painful.


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Sunday, June 13, 2010

If you ever feel so inclined...

An idea semi-stolen from shaz at LHMB....
The post that ended with 'I am absent'

Sometimes I wish I could answer 'absent' for myself on the class roll when it's true.
When I'm so desperately tired that my brain won't work enough to be counted as actually there.

But life does not work this way and for now, I don't need it to.

I do not expect this to last.


Saturday, June 12, 2010

We're going down, slow dancing in a burning room..

One of those stupid, explosive, angry, don't-speak-to-me-don't-touch-me, sit home alone watching crappy movies and eating too much because I'm bored.
It has been a while since the last introverted day, these days I seem to want to just run away from everything, to fly and be bigger than myself and be free.
Today I want to rug up and drink tea and not speak to anyone.

It is raining outside. My washing is outside.
I am going to pretend I have not noticed, because I really, REALLY don't care.

I want to sit with someone who doesn't want to talk to me.
And drink tea.

A lot of tea.

One of those irritating days where I actually don't want to do ANYTHING.
I do not even want to get on a plane and fly away, or pack my bags and drive until I run out of petrol and set up a life for myself there.
Ok, so maybe that still sounds good.
But you know...
grumpy day.


Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Hold your own, know your name, go your own way

And everything will be fine...

I feel like...

Like it's getting to the point where I have to choose. Either to stand up and beat this thing, or let myself be shattered by trying to do it semi-half-assed. I mean, I'm not slacking that much, but enough to make it super hard on myself.

And in doing this, I've reached a fork in the road. Or maybe not even a fork. Just a sign telling me the gradient of the road ahead, and to either stop here and cry and let everyone else go on without me and sit here and shatter, get off and pick another road...

Or pick up my friggin act, pull my finger out as they say, kick myself up the ass.

And honestly, the more I think about it, the more the first option seems easier and in truth, more likely.


I keep trying to tell myself that if people last year and the year before and the years before that could do it, then so can I. But honestly, the year twelves from last year still look a little like superheroes to me... I know you'll probably think its just as funny and stupid as I did when you said I was dealing well.

But I've tried to re-naturalise all the images I photoshopped inside my head, but the sparkles won't rub off, the capes won't be erased, and the onomatopoeia of 'BAM!' just won't go away.

And honestly, the further I get into this year, the more it feels like the people who made it in the past must have been the minority...


And the longer I spend sitting in her classroom...
sitting frees freezing up...
sitting at home playing flash games and procrastinating...

The bigger the little doubting voices get...

Her voice is getting into my head, 'I'm disappointed in you' 'I can't believe you haven't done this yet' 'you aren't good enough' 'you'll never make it' 'just give up now'

And honestly... I'm beginning to believe them...


Monday, June 7, 2010

I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you

Ok, so seriously, go ahead and be mad at me.
Really, go ahead.
And then go ahead and watch me not care.

You've been pissy and cranky and short tempered and snappy for weeks now, I'm done pretending it's alright. So yeah, the printer didn't work, and yeah, I was extremely stressed about my stupid essay. Lucky you, I'm glad the printer worked for you like magic this morning. Congrats, but guess what?
I don't care.

You appreciate that I'm stressed, but I have no right to talk to you that way?
Well cast your mind back to solos m'dear. You were stressed right, disappointed? You had no right to talk to me, or tinman, or beetle, or anyone the way you did.

So go ahead and be angry.
I must say, my fingers are crossed for the silent treatment.


Fall asleep, wake up and do it again

I stole this from Jacynta, who stole it from someone else :)
Pick ten words to describe yourself, I'd like to read yours too :D

Loud, Emotional, Creative, Talkative, Unpunctual, Ridiculous, Bossy, Scatter brained, Opinionated, Impulsive.

...yay?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I'm a little more than useless

Sitting in the library trying to do modern in the middle double today, it came to my attention that today is 'brainwash the year nine ignites' day. This consisted of them filling the glass class room and listening to two men talk a little over loudly. My opinion of these men and this process was not helped by the fact that one was a semi-evil looking american man who bore an eerie resemblance to the cartoon version of Cronos, and the other pretending to be some type of NASA man. He was australian. This feels a little inconsistent.

The thing that bugged me though, was the way they treated year twelves when they wanted to use the tables outside the glass classroom. They used them for about three minutes, doing some stupid little activity that seemed to involved having pictures taken of them using post-it notes in some way saying 'go shaun!' Confused? Me too.

The thing that was irritating about it was the way they completely disrupted about five different hard-at-work senior students, with deadlines to meet. To play with post-its. And pretend to be astronauts.

It just shows something about the way this school treats its non-ignite students. And this is coming from an ignite student too. It feels, honestly, a little like once you're out of the official ignite program and you have not decided to be an engineer, a doctor, or a scientist in some way, they don't want to know you. All the focus diverts on brainwashing the next wave of nerds to work away making atom bombs and microwaves. Too far? Maybe.

I'm just frustrated by the fact that we've been told by teachers for years 'sorry, I couldn't get it done, I was doing year twelve work'. Told that we would be treated better, respected, prioritised as year twelves. Right now, it feels like a load of crap. True, several teachers are pure amazing in human form (looks at unbelievably wonderful drama teacher) but really, you couldn't mark our drafts because of year eleven work? Learn to time manage, thats what you keep telling us! I hate it because it's hypocritical of her. We slave away getting things done for that woman, sacrificing hours and hours of sleep and other subjects.
For absolutely nothing.

And I understand they have a lot on their plates, but so do we, and its that bit they don't seem to realise. They happily whinge on that they are stressed and therefore cannot meet the deadlines that they themselves set. So things have to be pushed back. Again. So we're behind. So we get blamed for being behind. Starting to see where this gets frustrating? And as for teachers that can't make up their minds, I'll leave those horror stories to Cindy and Hammy, but really. I cringe just listening to their tales of woe and teacher induced ridiculousness.

So, teachers who can't make up their minds or meet their own deadlines? Teachers who think they are more stressed than we are and decide to break promises, change their minds, are generally not worth putting up with. We are reaching the end of our collective tether. Soon it may be time to start peeling off peoples fingers to make it easier. You will be the first.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Truth be told, I miss you. And truth be told, I'm Lying!

Hehe, love the glee version of gives you hell.
:D

This was gonna be another 'zomg I had another dream about you, how annoying is that' blog. Because I did, it felt super weird realistic, I woke up and thought 'huh, cool, that was fun. .... ... ... FAR OUT IT WAS ANOTHER DREAM!!!!!!' But anyway, I has more important things to say.

I have warm fuzzies to dish out :)

Dear Miss Mills,
You pulled me aside on Friday night to ask me if I was OK. I kind of am, but you noticing that I've been tired and a bit sad lately, made me much much more OK. You're like the lovely, protective big sister that I never got to have, thanks very much lovely.
<3gliTter


Dear Miss Jeisman,
I hope your back feels better dear, and your heart too. I know you have been having a hard time with everything lately, but I want to remind you that you are Gods incredible beautiful creation, and God doesn't make mistakes. And you always, always make my heart smile.
<3gliTter

Dear Cindy,
I am so unbelievably glad that we know the difference between grumpy and angry.
I love you :)
<3gliTter

Dear "What's New, 'Lipton Chai Latte'"
Chai means tea. It was traditionally called Masala, first made and loved in India and South Asia.
Your presenter, lovely as she is, is patronising hundreds of years of delicious tradition.
And lovely as the drink itself is also, and as new as I am to it as well, Lipton? really? A corporation built on the back of slaves, rather literally. And maybe I'm being over-dramatic, over-reacty and a bit indie-pretentious about this, but at least hundreds upon hundreds of years of tradition have come down to hard labour and poverty, just so that you could have 'the perfect pick me up'. Maybe there is good in the world.
<3cynic


Thursday, May 27, 2010

Only then will you belong with me...

It's happened again.

She's nominated me for another community service award thing.
And I really, REALLY do not want this to be a 'zohemgee look at me and all my award nominations', because I don't feel like I deserve it, at all. And no, this is not a not-very-subtle plea for you to tell me how good I am. 

I just...far out. This is the email she sent me... 
1.       Outstanding Citizenship; assisting groups in need.
2.        Initiative and concern demonstrated for the advancement or well-being of others.
3.       Production of significant benefits for members of the school/general community
4.       Leadership and influence of peers by example
5.       Demonstration of skills in organization, management and communication
6.       Demonstrated pride in Australian citizenship.

Even a couple years back, before school got so bonkers, and she nominated me for that Onkaparinga Youth award thing... I felt like a hypocrite then and I feel much worse now. 

Because honestly, I had the chance to be a part of the leadership of our schools vision generation, turned it down. Had a chance to be a part of the leadership of my own youth group, and now I'm considering bailing on it all together. 

I mean, I go to school, I sit through year twelve management pretty much refusing to commit to actually doing anything. I drag myself out of bed, shovel down some breakfast, try to stay awake and semi-productive and attention paying in school for the day, try not to kill anyone in choir, go home, try to stay awake and productive again, then go to bed too late. 

Repeat until Sunday. Sunday get up and sing at church, or just go. Go home and try to be productive again. Oh, and sometimes I umpire, but I get paid, so it doesn't count. that is it!!


I feel like I'm being made into a hypocrite...
What did I do to make myself look like I do things? Because I just.... I don't know how to tell her that I'm not who she thinks I am...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I'm not sayin' it was your fault, although you could have done more

I still dream about you.
Embarassingly often.
Like seriously, if you ever find out how much you're on my mind, or in my dreams...
Well I'm screwed, because you'll be too weirded out to speak to me ever again, and I'll just get worse.
I had a dream within a dream, about English being horrible.
Woke up from the dream within the dream, had a whinge to Shaz and Catherine, they were coming over for some reason. As we walked through the house I discovered it was full of people, from all of my different little circles.
School friends, Church friends, Old work mates, a couple of my favourite netball girls, some family and of course, the old family friends. You. Well you and your brother and your best friend.

You were cooking something, you were wearing oven mits and standing in the kitchen. Your brother and best friends were sitting around on the benches, demanding that you make them a sandwich.

You laughed, put down whatever it was (bits of oven maybe?) and looked up and saw me.
And you were... well happy to see me. I got me a massive hug from you and your brother, and other people from my life started popping up.
Two from separate circles appeared to be suddenly a couple, which was very weird, but overall it was just awesome fun.

And even though it was your face only in a sea of others that I adore so much, I only remembered the dream and made myself remember because you were there.

And I miss you.
And you don't reply to anything.

And you will never be who I imagined you to be, but part of me still doesn't know that.

And I wonder if I will ever stop dreaming of you.

andpartofmedoesn'twantto

Sunday, May 23, 2010

I'm awake in the infinite cold...

Love gives me hope.
It makes me want to cry.
Not in a painful way, not in a 'oh-gosh-i'm-terminally-single-at-the-age-of-seventeen-and-have-an-inkling-i-may-be-so-for-quite-some-time' way.

But just... just because...
I don't really know why actually.

Because they are beautiful, and some are painful.
But also because they are so real, I just submitted this one...



'My Pa died 6 years ago.
2 years prior a man named Roger lost his wife
My Pa gave his wife her last communion, the two couples were friends.
My Nanna and Roger found comfort, companionship, and a new lease on life.
When they finally sat together in church, she wore his ring.

Love in every season GMH'


Friday, May 21, 2010

If you had a hammer you would knock the whole thing down...

today's me makes a mockery of yesterdays optimistic plans and to-do lists, 
today's me plans for tomorrow's hopeful that 
she will be more productive and less tired than I am.


And baby, its always more, we're all just getting more
assignments
essays
tests
due dates
responsibilities
frustrated
angry
testy
aggravated
old
exhausted



over it

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Dear Louise,

Hi there Louise, You've reached your brain. 
I'm full of essays and poetry and piano and music theory and mise en scene right now, so I will happily forget that you wanted to contact me, as well as that essay and the fact that you should be reasonable and go to bed early. Leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you. Maybe.


-beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep















Tuesday, May 18, 2010

How can you be so dead?

I've written this for an english assignment, text production in order to escape poster making :D
i wanted to write on something I'm passionate about without being so personal that I didn't want my teacher to read it, obviously. So here it is, I hope you guys like it, or are convicted by it, or feel something in some way lol.



On Witness
I’m told I hold the dearest truth
And ordered to protect it ruth-
lessly, to fight my way to God
and honestly, I find it odd
to have so tightly bound together
sweetest always, darkest nevers.
we twist His words in such a way
dement, distort, til clear they say
'Thou shalt defend, contain, preserve
traditions truth, for we deserve
to have this newness all our own
and never note how much they groan
of Pain and Death and Poverty
we must push on!' as they decree
‘thou shalt not laugh, or dance or love
those heathen dogs’, while we above
sit smirking, sneering, truth withheld
yet burning rubber’s telltale smell
does drift its way to those below
they crane their necks, and soon they know
the tinfoil lie we forged so well
is deadly, as the gates of hell
What of the Truth? of Grace divine?
We’d rather have communion wine.
Hide here in our iv’ry tower
Not by love, but lust for power
Our own comfort paramount
Broken hearts too menial to count
As anything worth risking for
So we sing hymns and bolt our doors
And guzzling down salvation shots,
Confess our sins?! Deny the lot!
Never mind the falling souls,
Their desp'rate echoes through our halls

And yet, I swear I heard him say
As bold as brass and clear as day
That we must love, all people, deep
Validate their hearts and keep
the knowledge firm, that ‘we are too’
just as lost, and far from you
Imagine now, if you still can
A world, despite the fall of man
Where we could trust, and hold eachoth’r
Acting justly to our brothers
And share with all, this hope, this grace
See love colour every face
It’s not as far as it may seem
Not a fairytale or dream
But true
and real,
attainable.
If we will
just
reach
out


its completely up to us







This week the trend was to crash and burn and then return again to practice the life that I pretend provides enough to get me through the weekend. I know that I don't want to die sitting around watching my life go by and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet because all of us are all too stuck. Ttrapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up.

you gave me a solution, what have I done with it?
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out way back then, but after this day it's this week all over again.

And lately the weather, has been so Bi-polar and Consequently so have I.

Our concentration it contains a deadly flaw, change from words to blah, blah blah. We took prescription drugs but look how much good that did. Well I think I had a point, but I just got distracted

Lately it just seems to me like we've got the letters A.D.D. branded into our mentality we simply can't focus on anything.

That one thing of the moment that we all happen to like will only very temporarily kinda break the cycle of the double edged sword of being lazy and being bored. We just want more and more and more till it's all we can afford

To keep our eyes open for just one more day
To keep on hoping that we'll stumble on a way
To keep our minds open for just one more day
cause its completely up to us to maintain consciousness

well no one can possibly listen to this
more than 4 reps is just monotonous
we're losing interest, losing interest, losing interest 




cause its completely up to us to maintain consciousness

-Shamozzle of Relient K

Monday, May 17, 2010

It's the craziest thing...

The way we just devour time, it's unbelievable.
About a minute ago, I just remembered all the things that have happened today. Its been pretty freakin busy thats for sure. Got up this morning, shoved clothes in the dryer and ate porridge. I know, rivetting.
Went to school preparing myself to beg for my life to my drama teacher, by which I mean beg for an extension. I was late to school, that was gay. On the walk to drama, I remembered something horrifying.
I had to do my oral today. I had conveniently forgotten about this, not editted my draft and left it at home. woopie for me.
But since my drama teacher is super crazy amazing, she noticed me frantically rummaging through my backpack, asked me what was going on and gave me a note to go home and get it.
Delivered oral, shoved the thought of it behind me and onto winging my way through classics, shove that out of my, focus all energy on modern, get home, collapse.


It was much more stressful in real life...


But anyway, my thought was how crazy it is that we can get so good at just devoting all our energy to what is immediately in front of ourselves and chew the hours away in blocks, one assignment, one hour, one minute, one day, one week at a time.

A week is as far out as my zoom goes out at the moment, except for solo performance, which is constantly focussed on the next solo.

But occasionally I get to pull myself out, and those moments are my favourite. Formal shopping, youth group, small group, hugs. Moments dedicated to zooming out and resting your eyes, and that is so valuable and crucial no matter what anyone says.

The only problem is its very, very tempting to stay there.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Just a few more weary days and then I'll fly away

I shouldn't have watched Jessica Watson coming home. All I want to do now is go on an adventure, jump on a plane, or learn how to sail, or just drive away. I want to throw a few things in a bag, grab a copious amount of energy drinks and a few friends on the way and just go.

I CERTAINLY do not want to do my english. at all. not even a little bit. or my classics or drama or modern, and trust me, theres bloody well enough of it that I should be able to choose the least repulsive one...


But no, not anymore.
I don't want to by a formal dress, I don't really want that cup of tea, I don't want to listen to or play music, I don't wanna paint, I don't wanna take artsy photos, I don't want a bubble bath, I don't want a hug, I don't want an A+, I don't want to go to youth group or go to church or even go out.





All I want is adventure.

All I want is escape

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I won't be made useless

Dear fresh box of delicious Lady Grey tea.

Nice to meet you, it was a pleasure cracking you open and I am now enjoying the first of your spoils. You will get me through year twelve I hope, so please don't desert me : )

Much love,

Monday, May 10, 2010

like a dozen lies and a dozen more

English studies homework is like deep water diving without oxygen. Take a deep breath and dive in.
Hold your breath and don't stay there too long, or you'll die.

So basically, I sat at the computer desk staring at facebook for ten minutes before I realised I'd got out my classics book not my english.

Then I realised I had not in fact finished analysing my poetry, but was relying on the power of wishful thinking. shockingly, this has not got my english finished.


'i've been writing you a letter. about skin and bones. the internet. sometimes it begins, yesterday i saw a black bird in the park eating worms. and sometimes, it doesn't. these days it takes everything i've got not to burn down your house. rise up from these bed sheets in the morning to screaming. instead i fold paper hearts into paper birds. and other things with wings. sail them out our old-bedroom window. until collections of them. like memories of me and you. drop there on the almost-summer concrete below. false falling snow.' - http://doggerel.blogspot.com/2010/05/diacritical-remarks-for-your-dead-dead.html


incredible...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I will still sleep peacefully with answers out of reach from me

'Arithmetic'

Sums
Deadlines met, missed and Looming
Twitches, strains, aches
High points, valleys, dead pan
purple
sheet music
copious amounts of unwarn jewelry
singular shoes
copious amounts of caffeinated beverages
mind full of analysis and random Baz Luhrman inflicted weird
Constant freakout or exhaustion.

Division
Sucks


somedayallthatshazythroughacloudedglasswillbeclearatlast
sometimeswe'rejustwaitingforsomeday

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Unending love, amazing grace

If God wasn't the creator of the universe and everything, all-knowing and whatnot, I am certain I would confuse him very much.

Because although he has taken the punishment for every single wrong thing I have ever done, am doing and ever will do, I insist on feeling guilty and punishing myself anyway.

He has set me free, removed my chains.

And I insist upon putting them back on again. Wearing my mistakes like some sort of sick masochistic jewelry.

If God wasn't so smart, I'm sure he'd be confused.

I mean, my troubles aren't even pretty!
They aren't even sparkly or beautiful in that Romeo-and-Juliet way that sometimes happens.
I procrastinate, I get tired, I get over-emotional.
The end.



sowhydoikeepdoingthis?

we should get jersey's cos we're such a great team

but yours would look better than mine, cos you're out of my league :)

I would just like to take this moment to say: LEISHA IS FREAKING AWESOME!!!

This is all.

I'll send you all my promises across the sea

Dear Future Husband, whoever and wherever you may be.

I must warn you of some things. I feel that if you are going to spend a large proportion of your life putting up with them, you should be given a lot of time to get used to them, conceptually at least.

1. I have a slightly expensive habbit/love/addiction of tea in all its many flavours and infusions. Start saving now. And tasting too.

2. I have an unhealthy affection for flash games. Not sure what is to be done about this... any ideas?

3. I often make a cup of tea and leave it on the bench, satisfied with only the proccess, to remember it and want to drink it half an hour later. Tea is not the same post-microwave.

4. I am full of pointless pipe dreams and hypothetical scenarios. I should write more and fantasize less.

5. I am nearly unbearably messy, disorganised, forgetful and un-punctual. I have very limited regard for order, both of objects (excluding books, CDs DVDs and the presentation of art) and of the ever ticking minutes. If I am meant to be somewhere, chances are I may have begun getting ready. Unless it is more than fifteen minutes away, in which case I will still be asleep. Please buy a very loud alarm clock and endeavour to become naturally organised. You couldn't possibly be worse than me, and if you are, prepare for one hell of a rollercoaster of missed deadlines, lost details and 'sorry-we're-late's.

6. And this is the big one, pretty much a summary.
I am a hurricane. With a multicoloured, multitextured wake of sheet music, clothing, shoes and scraps of paper both life shattering and menial, I am a hurricane. Physically destructive and disorderly, and emotional explosive. Extreme. If I am happy, I'll bubble over. If I'm angry, give me something to break that is of no consequence and run, or give me something to scream at. If I'm sad, let me cry on you and hold me very tightly. If I'm content, it will be tangible, but mostly I must warn you about the effect stress has on me. I carry a lot of tension in my lower back and in my feet. I will whinge about this, sorry in advance. These will sometimes cramp up. I will whinge about this, sorry in advance. I become hugely snappy, and I swear a lot. Consider earplugs.


Oh, and a small practical sidenote. We should buy all our crockery and glassware cheap from opshops. Like I said, I'm a hurricane.

Sorry in advance, for all of me.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I have gone astray...

I feel like everything in life needs more from me.

I need to do more study, more relaxing, more sleeping, more excercise, more praying, more bible reading, more seeking, more loving, more listening, more organising, more practice, more reading, more noting, more drafting more more more more more.

But what if there is no more?
No more time left to give, no more energy.

What if there is no more of me left in the tank, and its only term two!


♫right in this moment, this orders tall♫

The thing is, I know there is.
I know that there is always more of Gods strength, always more TV to not watch, but...

I think it comes down to the fact that i am selfish with myself.
I want to have part of me just for me.
My little slice of control, my claim on myself.
I don't want to be totally sold out, to anything.

Not to school, not to my friends or my family.
Certainly not to my God.
Because that would be risky wouldn't it, risky and scary and would take effort.

Something you should know about me if you haven't already noticed:
I'm pretty much inherently lazy.
Thats why my room is tidy, thats why I procrastinate, thats probably why I'm fat. (and please don't launch into telling me I'm not to, I'm in the slow process of getting less fat so my self esteem is fine [: )

So do I have a conclusion to this rant? (blah, essay structure in the brain)
No.
Well yes, but one that
SH
O
EPO
L
I


SH

(take that structure)

I doubt I will actually do, at least not to the extent that it needs doing.
But I need to try...
Or I will just have to get used to this feeling of 'steady digging into the earth' (ARGH)
and learn to enjoy this lovely little hole/grave/tunnel to nowhere I have dug myself.


Oh, and here's a poem I wrote. Read all the lines left to right first, as you would normally. Then go top to bottom with only the words on the left side of the indent. make sense? I hope so :)


LORD      I will not stop my search
Test away      Father, in your strength
I will       prove my choice to
follow you,      wherever you will
lead me.
Whichever       corner of this dear globe
you point        me to
toward          it I will march
I will          obey you, dearest LORD
go           before me and with me
I          will go
willl      love, will
live        with you,
for         you, in
you


I hope you like it, or at least can read it lol.


Sunday, April 18, 2010

It's so like me to never see

This is a part of a draft essay of mine sent to one hilarious young girl/woman/creature from the black lagoon.
It made me laugh, while editting an essay.
Super dooper props...
The smaller writing is her comment, the larger my essay. don't you go plaigerisin' my modern history now!

A considerable
Use of ‘considerable’ twice in as many sentences. Perhaps replace with ‘substansial’ or ‘significant’
percentage of the male population either volunteered or were sent off to war, leaving the industries at home bereft of employees and turning to who was left,
Try using a dash instead of a comma – implies importance of “the women” (irony in this sentence absolutely intended).
the women.