Thursday, November 27, 2008

one single lonely photo


Here I am with one single lonely photograph. An underwater myspace :D

I have emailed a whole stack to my dad and hopefully he will post them somewhere. When I know when I will let people know.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

sorry

computer is not the most cooperative machine and I must give up before i break it or my camera. Sorry, for now just use your imaginations and I will try again later today.
Lots of love
<3gliTter

Pictures!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

singapore!

Hello from singapore!
Here I am, burning time waiting until our group is supposed to meet at the sky train. Its actually just a monorail, but its pretty freakin speedy...
And as I often do when burning time, I am blogging.
lol.
I wish to discuss something more philosophical than practical however.
Flight.
Seems like a practical point, its not really.
When we took off, and just the whole time, it was mad weird and amazing that we were actually flying. Like, for real in the air and over the top of clouds looking down on the world.
Don't get me wrong, I've flown in a plane before, I've just never stopped to think about it that way...
Sometimes when my problems feel too big, I like to sit outside my house and look at the valley. We have this fantastic view and its always helpful to remind myself how small i am in the valley, then how small the valley is in adelaide etc etc zooming out until I remind myself that the earth is barely a pixel in space and then my problems feel smaller again...

I like flying, I have some mad pictures to show you guys, but i dont have my chord at the moment.
Love you all, check out the team blog at www.michaelvietnam2008.zoomshare.com
<3glitTer

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hello my bloggish little friends!
I hope I shall see you all at reccess today before I head off to the magical land of mr greens room for build up day lol.
Just thought I would put it up here that the time difference is 3 and a half hours, Vietnam behind. So as I write this, it is 5:15 in the morning over there.
Should be ok for jetlag, better than frigging london.
ewwww, worst jetlag ever that.
So yes, I believe you will most likely read this after school today, so -extra huggage- for you all. :)
Merry Christmas and a happy new year guys, I shall post when I get home ;)
<3gliTter

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

a strange, strange day

what an odd day it has been.
The morning was reeeaaaaalllllly long, with watching year 11 solos in the morning (which, though interesting, do tend to drag, no offense to those playing, you were wonderful and Im jealous) and then a maths exam, which was always going to feel long.

I dont think I epic failed though, which is great :)

Also, the trip is tomorrow, well, build up day is tomorrow. It has sort of snuck up on me, after all that counting down, I went and I focussed really hard on my exams and now all of a sudden, its wednesday the ninteen and tomorrow is thursday the twentieth and its like.......its madness.

Another thing contributing to the weird way this has all come together is stretch...
I shall miss him so, this afternoon was the very last of many lasts and the party finished without me and I got told to lay off, in the kind of whisper that means 'seriously, enough.' I didn't say anything mean, but melon was tired and I always seem far too eager to speak to people, to just stand in a group and be there and at least feel included, even if I don't know whats going on.
And I nearly cried, but I didn't. And it all flooded in at once in a slow sludgy ooze of memory and regret and loneliness and

I really need to get out of this stupid country :P

I can always tell when he's bullshitting, it amuses me. He has gotten betterish, not entirely, but what is much more betterer is that when he apologises I can see that he realises he has said something unecesary, and that he should be careful cos you never know when today is a wednesday or a monday or a thursday morning...

I'm thinking 'bout the times I know
I should have taken photographs..
And what I fear, is that all of these things I hold dear
never become more than vibrations in air...

very true mr pyke, very true.
He is a good man that mr pyke, i love it when he says
'try not to be careless or jealous with hearts and try not to think of the end from the start'

perhaps I should try harder...

I am wondering if bringing all this stuff out to air so often, with the blogging will make me feel better or worse.
better for letting it go more often, worse for thinking about it and looking at stains and scars so much more...

I think I think too much, we all do.
Oh well...

what an odd post to go out with...
chances are i will write again before tomorrow morning anyway :)

<3gliTter

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

a formless blob of thought

'i suppose if i were to describe it...
its as if i've knocked on the door of your house and someone else has answered
and then suddenly everyone turns into a faceless, formless blob and your house implodes
and as i run out onto the street the ground dissintegrates beneath my feet and my reality disolves and suddenly i'm floating through space
thats what it feels like to read you at your worst'

A wonderful friend just said that to me, via msn. and i was like '...wow'
I think what he meant was sometimes I am not who he thinks I am, not who he would like to think I am. Which is not to say he doesn't like me, it's to say that he doesn't like admitting i am not always ok.

Which is very like him, because he hates it when people are sad, so he hates knowing that I have a hard time sometimes. Which is really sweet. Ok rephrase, he hates that I have a hard time, I think he would hate it more with not knowing.


On reading more bloggage of my good friends, I have reached a concrete conclusion.
We all think too much, far too much.
Stop it all of you! :P
I don't know if it comes with the age and then goes away, or if we have to put up with this forever, but it is strange.
I can't decide if I like it or not.

I like being a thoughtful person, and I like being seen as a thoughtful person. A thoughtful, bookish, iced-tea-drinking-reading-a-book-in-an-organic-cafe-in-stirling, alternative, protester, hippyish, busker, poet, very-strong-coffee-at-three-in-the-morning-so-i-can-stay-awake-to-write-my-highly-intense-prosetry type of person.
That is my ideal image for myself.

Which is exactly why I decided against being a vegetarian. Which sounds silly. I realised that I was being selfish and being silly, that I wasn't actually doing it for the environment, I was doing it so that I could be seen as someone who was giving up something big for something bigger.

Which was self centred of me, so now, instead of giving up meat for environmental image, I am giving up vegetarianism and its gloriously alternative image for not being a liar and a self centred image centred jerk.

EDIT: which, on reflection, is giving something up for something bigger, yay! Its just more difficult to explain then vegetarianism lol.

I really am weird aren't I lol

Monday, November 17, 2008

hello..why are all my blogs called hello...

I suppose all my blogs are called hello because I don't usually know what I'm going to say before I say it. I don't think I know even know that I am saying it...

It strikes me as odd that my odd friends think I am odd.
I'd like to point out that i have not been writing cryptically because I didn't want to.
I never claimed I was going to!

I also think that its funny that the most cryptic-est bit in it was 'uncle', its not even significant lol.

I'm not feeling deep and meaningful tonight, sorry to disappoint. Perhaps I shall post previous deep and meaningfuls....

Ah, here is one. Slightly relating to previous prosetry post...
This is from the 31st of May this year...
It was originally written with no spaces in it, but i like muchly spaces, so i will make this a spaced out version lol

Moody

Moody, moody
you’re a bitch. And I’m your bitch…
you make me a bitch
at the very least.
What is wrong with me?
Why I can’t I just go
‘I should not think this way’
and then not think that way anymore?
Why can’t I just go
‘I should not wish her dead’
and then not wish it anymore!
Why does my mind always go
‘but but but…’??
Why am I full of questions that
I don’t know how to ask?
And always being asked questions
I don’t know how to answer.
I can’t ask my own,
can’t answer anyone else’s.
All I want is to hold you,
hold you when I’m in one of my moods and
cry.
I want you to see me
cry…
I know you know
what goes on in my
head and my
heart
but
I want you to see it.
I’ve never wanted anybody to actually see it.
But I only hide ‘cos
I know you’ll find me…
I hide because I
so
desperately
want you to find me
…find me here.
I don’t know where I am,
the real me is one of the
thousand pieces of me
that clutter up the corners
and the floor of my mind…
or could you pick
and
chose the bits you think are
really me, please,
go ahead.
You have a better sense of
who I am
than I do
…much better.
I am a question,
a big fat
Y
with a question mark
and I’m slow dancing
in minefields where
everybody knows my name,
but in my mind-field
everyone knows who I am
but me.
Am I really this half decent person
that everyone sees or
am I just wishing so desperately hard to
not be ‘her’
that I convince myself
I am not?
It’s extremely difficult
to be honest
with yourself
when you’ve gotten so
good at lying to
yourself that
you
can’t even tell anymore…


wow, tis very longness with all those enters
<3 glitTer

Sunday, November 16, 2008

a second letter...

i owe you an apology.

im sorry that i have tried to pin this stuff on you.
As much as I think I would like to be able to blame you, I can't.
Im sorry that I let your little jokes get under my skin, I know you don't want to hurt me.
I'm sorry that I...that I based my security on your opinion of me.
That was dumb.
I should explain a little bit more.
I have this bad habit of getting my security from other people, particularly guys. Boyfriend guys... And even though I don't feel that way about you anymore and its been quite some time, I guess that little bit of it carried over to you as my friend, I shouldnt have let it. I shouldnt have let it exist at all.

I said that I needed to learn to stand on my own feet.
Maybe for a while i did know how, but i forgot...

im sorry that ive been so touchy, it must have been annoying lol.

I want you to know that as of now, I am starting to try and undo it...To stand up on my own again...well, stand up with god.

No hard feelings, I'm sorry that i got so upset at you, even though to a much lesser degree it was deserved. I think i had a right to be a bit annoyed, but not shattered like I ended up.

See you at school...
<3glitTer

a letter of sorts

I'm not quite sure what I wish to say...
only that I wish to...
I don't know, I got nothing.

I suppose I have some things on my mind, again.
or still...
so this is a letter of sorts, to a friend. Who hopefully will never read it, or realise its directed at them because...
i dunno why
because im afraid of confrontation i guess...

Here goes.

You are a strange one you know.
A strange creature, a strange friend.
You make me laugh, smile, all that.
But you make me insecure too.
do you know that?

Your silly little niggling comments
they get to me some days, on bad days.
on those days, every teensiest thing is a dig in the ribs,
and you do more than dig, you stab
sometimes it goes right through
and i feel like i cant hide all the blood and tears rushing out of me as its result and consequence.

I keep hinting, i say that its 'actually really annoying'
in the tone of voice that i like to think subtley says 'shush, please'.
But what i mean is that its 'actually really devastating'
and i'd like to say it in the tone of voice that bluntly says 'stop hurting me...please, oh please, enough...UNCLE'

On those days I wonder what it is that you want from me...
Why you say the things you say, whats in it for you?

Do you realise that I bleed? Is that the aim? Or is it a byproduct of what you perceive to be harmless amusement...

I don't know.

All I know is that I once defined a true friend as someone you can be safe with, someone you can be vulnerable with, show them your weak points and get a little help with them.
But you aren't like that for me anymore, you were once, but not anymore.
I feel like I have to live up to your standards, I can't show you my vulnerability, because you create it. Can't reveal my weaknesses when your already pointing at them, criticising.
Always criticising.

Saying all of this, makes it seem as though I should just get out...
But I know that you have a heart way down in there...
I've seen it...
and maybe your even more insecure than me, under your thick safety screen of arrogance and bitterness.
Do you feel like you need to push me down you push you up?

Cos regardless of why, I definitely feel pushed down...

But don't get me wrong, I still want to be your friend...
I just don't want to have to be somebody else anymore.

Asplode

Those unfortunate carbon based lifeforms who share the displeasure of mrs irvings company with me in pre-studies will remember the poems 'Eve' and 'Unto Us'.
We got to discussing the difference between poetry and prose, and I think these are sort of halfway. I write like this lots, we were talking about how they flow like thought, flow like conversation. I have some stuff to get out of my head, so here goes.

A warning, I often write these first as a block of ramblings, then put breaks in it. Not sure if ill do that this time, depends on how it spills out i suppose.

Everyone says
I talk too much
I think
they say it as a hint to
try and get me to
shut up
but it isnt
that easy
because you see if
i dont talk
i just
fill up with
thinkings
musings
ponderings
yellings
some of it has
got to spill out
or ill
asplode
i always seem to be
halfway there
i am
confusing
and
confused
surrounded
and
smothered
by
myself
and
everyone else
all at once
everything
all at once
and then
nothing
cant decide
which is worse?
halfway
between poetry
and
prose
between
feeling
and
thought
halfway
between
chalk
and
cheese
what does that
make me
it makes me
confused
when you dont want to
want what you want
and you convince yourself
that
you dont want
what you want
then sometimes
you get too good at it
and you cant even tell
anymore
cant tell
fact
from
fiction
cant tell
wishful thinking
from
dreaded reality
ive become
so afraid
so damn afraid
afraid of
everything
and
everyone
and mostly me
and mostly
no one
im afraid of
fear
afraid of
loneliness
which makes me more
fearful
and more
lonely
and more

confused




Hope you like it, or whatever. I dont think i want you to understand it, because theres underlying stuff there that i dont feel like having as public knowledge. Nothing majorly dramatic, but yeah.

Also, smiles lanyard has inspired me to try my hand at 6 word thingers
so here are three


stare blank. mind full. face wet.


all the harder, said the girl


deep down everyones a show off

Friday, November 14, 2008

Why hello, again

It's been a weird day.
Quite weird really.

I realised at 10:30 tonight, that it is the 14th.
Thats very significant to me, because my Pa died four years ago today.
Which is really, really weird, in all honesty.

I wouldnt say I'm particularly torn up about it.
Which i really don't want you to take wrongly.
I loved him, don't get me wrong, loved him so much.
And I do miss him, really I do

It's just...its not so raw anymore.
A youth group I go to every friday night is held at Aberfoyle Park Uniting.
In a big auditorium thingy, I love it there.
The weird thing about it is that my first experience of that hall was my Pa's funeral.
For the first few weeks of my attending XS, I couldn't get past it.
Everytime I walked down the stairs, across the car park. I could see the hearse.
Feel myself walking after it, wanting to run after it as it drove away taking my Pa from me.

Then after a while, I guess I thought about it less and less.
And now its a different place.
It's not just where I stutteringly read out a bible verse at his funeral, its where I met one of the best friends I've got, and got to chill out with some more of them.
It's where I've met god again and again, where he continues to meet me every friday night.

Saying that, I'd like to point out that God could meet me every day, but perhaps at XS I expect it, and I invite it more than on normal days...

I think I have too much of a sundaymorning/fridaynight god mentality. I believe that god is with me at all times, but I don't acknowledge him very often, or chat with him as much as I should.

I think that I think of it too much as having to set aside a little time each week, when he should have all of it, he should be in and around all of it.

Something to think on for me...

It has also been weird because I can't decide if I'm excited or scared to be leaving soon...
in a week ill be in singapore and tomorrow ill be able to count the days on one hand. When we started this thing, id need to take off both shoes to count the MONTHS!

It's madness, utter madness.

So yeah, thats where I'm at tonight, contemplative, confused, missing my Pa but not rawly and also very tired.
My eyes are getting droopy, tis bedtime.

'night all

<3Glitter

Why hello there

Hello there.
I honestly do not expect anybody to be reading this, if you are....yay?
I don't know what you should expect from this...I suppose rambling is to be expected.
And possibly song lyrics, of mine and not mine.
And random poetry proseish stuff that just seems to pour of of my head some days.

Those in my english class will sort of get what im talking about, like with Unto Us, and Eve. Where its almost prose, but not.
I tend to write a fair bit of that.

I also have no idea how often i will write in this, so whatever.
I expect it to be sporadic, as should you.

So indeed, hello!

<3 Glitter