Monday, February 23, 2009

the mystery of life

"Fate is like a strange, upopular restaurant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you didn't ask for and don't always like.'

"If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.'

"Stealing, of course, is a crime, and a very impolite thing to do. But like most impolite things, it is excusable under certain circumstances. Stealing is not excusable if, for example, you are in a museum and decide that a certain painting would look better in your house, and you simply grab the painting and take it there. But if you were very, very hungry, and you had no way of obtaining money, it might be excusable to grab the painting, take it to your home, and eat it."

I love horseradish...

<3gliTter

Saturday, February 21, 2009

you had a nose job?

Hehe, I love suddenly 30. Fantastic movie.
Hi all!
It is I (funnily enough) and I'm back on the blogosphere again, hoping to do a lot more writing and a lot less whinging lol.

So, I don't actually have any ideas to write about, so I have a teensy favour to ask you lovely people. Comment me with a random object, or a random something. Hopefully, something in my head will go 'hmmm' and off I go :)

So yeah, I'm back, feeling much better and like I actually fit inside my own skin. I'm having a much better time being around myself, so hopefully you guys can too.
Thanks for not totally disowning me while I was being...fake.

I love you guys, even those ones I was really angry with for a little bit.
Your totally forgiven, all of you.

'Cos honestly, looking back on it, I really needed a slap in the face.
Sure, some of you did more slapping than was needed, but maybe it was needed.
It probably was, I have a pretty thick skull sometimes :P

Anyway, I love you all, and thanks for getting me back to a place where I can actually laugh properly and be happy to live my own life in my own skin.

I owe you one :)

<3gliTter

Saturday, February 7, 2009

I took down the posters from my wall left letters for you all

A letter,
I am hereby taking a break from the blogosphere.
I don't know how long for, but until I can get myself sorted out, I'm going old school pen and paper private journal.
But before I do, I have something to say to a few people.
Did you really think that it bounced off of me?
Did you really think I was so deluded that it would have no effect whatsoever when you totally shredded me?
Did it not occur to you that maybe I was hiding, like I have been for a while now.

Cos let me tell you something.
This last week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life.
Wanna know why?
Because I realised that I don't know who I am anymore and it's costing me friendships.

I felt like my only options were pretend I was perfectly ok, or withdraw all the way into myself and never come back out.

And as the list of scars grew longer, so did the 'pros' list for the latter.
But I told myself I wouldn't be that girl, I wouldn't let myself fall into that hole.

So I was left with option A, pretend everything is fine. And hasn't that been a riotous success.

Only one person has actually offered help and I'm damn well gonna accept it.

So now (no thanks to most of you) there is a third option.

Sift through this mess of my fake bullshit with a true friend who loves me enough to tell me in person that she wants to help and that I've gone down a bad road.

Making sure that the phrases 'I really want to help' and 'We all still love you' and 'of course I still love you, your my little Louise!' were louder than 'you're annoying and you talk too much'

So goodbye for a while I'm out to learn more
about who I really was before...

<3glitter
PS you other two who didnt confront me about it at all, but continued to tolerate me and make me feel accepted when Im with you, that was just as golden, so thanks. You will never be 'most people'.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

the storm is coming, I close my blinds

I'm scared.

I'm so damn scared of myself... I'm afraid that I will just retreat so far back into myself that I'll never come out...and its so lonely in there...

I'm so scared that as I desperately desperately claw around at the people I love, trying to grab something to hold myself up to keep from falling...that you'll get sick of my scratching and leave...

I'm so scared that I'll never really figure out who I am, or that I'll never be able to make the outer layers of bullshit go away and be replaced with actual me.


I will never forget that picture in the art gallery...the black one with the red line around it.
You said it had been you for four years, a vibrant outer shell, but inside, just nothingness.

At the time I was a little busy listening to you and praying that you'd get through this and learn that she was so hideously bad for you, so heartbreakingly damaging to you...

And they were answered, and now you just drink and smoke and flail, having no idea what you're going to do with yourself but thats ok... at least you seem rather determined to keep yourself alive...


But a new question has now arisen...

howlonghasthatbeenme?

<3gliTter

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

i dreamed i was missing...

I've been thinking, I don't know how we tolerate each other, teenagers in general.
We are all so self absorbed, really.

We are surrounded by each others pain all the time and yet its 'me me me' all the time.

I'm not pinning any blame here, or maybe I am, just equally on myself, so please don't think I'm a hypocrite.I'm just as self absorbed as everyone else, I know that.

Maybe we are all just ignoring each other, except for those rare moments when you actually connect with someone else. So often we just plug in the headphones and either pretend to listen to each other, or don't even pretend...

Or we listen, but our thoughts aren't really on the topic properly...

Or maybe I'm the only one and I'm just imagining that everyone else does it to make myself feel a little better...

hmmm

<3gliTter

you'll learn to hate me

I shouldn't be listening to this song.
I shouldn't be but I am.

Funny how often that applies to me...

For example, I shouldn't be letting myself think of friday so much so early in the week...

Damn I miss you so bad...

It's not even turning into psycho like usual, just this aching longing for your company.

Stupid friends lol.


<3gliTter

out in the redness, out in the empty

this distance business is driving me nuts, already.

Having one gone far away was bad enough, but now another. And the third is not very far away, just far from me these days, which doesn't really bother me. I suppose I sort of put him there.

And then Toto, my beautiful beautiful Toto. How to try to help her...even the smallest bit.
I don't know how...

But I know God does.

Got to keep counting on the wizard...

she says she feels like shes falling...

I will do whatever I can to keep that from happening.

Cos if it does...well then that echo would be the straw that broke my loaded heart.

But you... you would have to be eleventy billion to the power of google times worse to ever let go.

And I'll never let that happen.

We will never let that happen.

<3glitter
neverforgetthatiloveyou

Monday, February 2, 2009

abcdefg

words are shit.

words come out bad and say stupid things that i didnt mean that way.

and maybe you needed to scream at someone, i dont blame you in the slightest.

can i try again?

can i have another shot at what i MEANT to say?

i said about it breaking my heart, knowing how you feel. Blah blah blah, bullshitbullshitbullshit.


I shall try again, and if it comes out wrongly again, scream away.

You're one of my dearest friends, how could I not let you scream at me and keep trying to say it better? say it truer

Lets try again.

I hate to see you hurt. I know full well that the achy breaky bits in me are only the teensiest eensiest echo of yours. I shudder to even imagine the tiny bit of it I could maybe comprehend.

I have felt since we became friends that you and I are soul sisters. I know you are hiding so much of what goes in your beautiful little heart and mind but the miniscule bits I get to see...

It's sympathetic agony to even feel that microscopic echo.

And DON'T apologise, DON'T be sorry.

That is entirely, completely, utterly my job. ok?

And I know you love me, I love you too.

Chineserussianlylas remember?

I love you so much, that reading that only hurt because I realised how much I'd hurt you.

I didn't mean it the way it came out.

And the 'beautiful' bit. I can't even correct that, that's one for the incinerator.

<3glitter
dididobetterthistime?

im growing old, ive been told that it wont last

how did I forget how much I miss you?

Oh gosh....

I was almost considering not having a birthday party, but i need a good solid excuse to have all my favourite people all together again...

You are my little sunshine of randomness, I could never find anyone like you in the world. Totally and utterly one of a kind.

I mean, everybody is. Which sounds really 'everyones special which means no-one is' but there is just something so obviously deliciously odd about you.

My little bblemu...they better look after you over at bitchschool (ive named it that because its all girls and all girls are bitchy sometimes lol) or I will have to uh...

Be very sad?

I dunno, but I can't wait to see you, it better happen soon.

Oh and be warned, im gonna hug you so hard your lungs puncture :D

<3buBbles

say something, make it a direct hit

say something?

you want me to say something...

Oh I could say things alright, but they would only hurt you more.

And I've said them once anyway...

<3gliTter

nor could I ever own whats mine

Put on song for elias, play a little kou-jong and remember a better, calmer day.

And try my most bestest to not be REALLY REALLY MAD at you.

Because I damn well shouldn't be so angry...

I guess I'm not really now, the music is working, but I certainly was earlier.

How could you have done that?
Blown him off like that and then made it sound like he was begging after you, following you around like a lost puppy. Made everyone laugh at him behind his back, well, almost everyone.

Not me thats for sure.

all he did was try to sustain what he thought was a friendship, apparently he was wrong.

andishouldhaveknownbetter

<3gliTter

i want you bleeders

i put far too much vegemite on my toast this morning.
It's like...WOAH

Back to school again today, back to the heat and the people...
The good ones and the...other ones.

And then soon enough it will be friday time and maybe i'll be able to breathe again and my mind will run in straight lines for a while.
Or maybe not...

<3gliTter

Sunday, February 1, 2009

singing gravity away

<3glitterimissyoubothalready

But you never really tried to decipher me til now

how did we get here?
I used to know you so well...
your supposed to be Potter, not percy weasley for crying out loud...
ishouldntfeelbetrayeditssostupidwhenitseasierthisway
<3glitter