Friday, July 31, 2009

like eyes that woke up in the sun


For my dearest lauren...
you like?

I'm not calming down, another mothers child laid in the ground

cynics.
they're fun.
i always fall for the cynics, but i guess ive already un-fallen for this one and if I hadn't already, I would have just then...
I mean, it's one thing to not share somebody's passion, but to be so anti-effort, so anti-action.
I just don't get it, I simply don't understand.

'i find this interesting right, at an assembly the poverty guy talked about how only 3% of the world had internet and we are extremely rich. But i went away and the statistics are more like 60% not including internet cafes and africa as a whole isnt in poverty. sure u have problem countries like i dont knowwww sierra leone? but thats caused by war and governments ******* up. so we as individuals cant do anything apart from give money, which we have no idea where it goes and probably fuels war anyway, cause when u think about it, when u give a poor man a few bucks, u know hes gonna spend it on alcohol'

Ok, so let me get this straight, just because its not the entire of africa (or the world for that matter) thats in poverty, that makes it ok?
Just because issues in Sierra Leone are caused by war (which is dumbing it down to say the least) that makes it alright for those people to be living in fear and hunger??
Just because those issues are 'governments stuffing up' (to phrase it nicely) means we should sit back and do nothing???
'So we as individuals can't do anything', you're saying one person can't make a change. Well it's not just one person, it's lots, and thats the point.
And one person certainly isn't going to make an impact if they choose not to.

And way to stereotype the poor, just by the way.
You don't know the individual, you don't know the situation, so don't pass judgement, k?
I don't know about it either, but I know it's not right for the world to be this way, and I know I'm going to do my best to change it, even if my impact is so miniscule that the world won't notice if I become suddenly unemployed and unable to pay my monthly sponsorship stuff.
But sharon would notice.

<3glitter
wakeup,canipinchyouplease?

Letters For You all Pt2

Dear You,
I love you!
I love the way you play piano, it is very musical and delicate and awesomely heartfelty.
which is good, because your heart is very beautiful, so the music is too.
You don't play tacky, which is a change from everyone else.
But you don't do really anything tacky.
You are very sweet, like the juice that turns you into somebody so extroverted and deliciously silly that you make my head hurt in the nicestest way possible.
And you are good to talk to, and good to listen to also.
I forget how long I've known  you, it seems like an incredibly long time to me.
Which is a good thing.
<3glitter

letters for you all

Letters for people! Short ones, but yes. Somewhat similar to that ten things email, but hopefully all nice and no nasty. I think I shall start them all with I love you. But I want to make it clear that they aren't 'I love you because' they are 'I love you and'. make sense?

Dear You,
I love you! You are awesome.
I think a lot of the time you don't think you're awesome, and even on the days that you are tired or grumpy (and its fair for you to be grumpy, i dont mind) and not up to your usual standard of awesome, you are still awesome for me. You know exactly the right listening noises to make when I'm ranting and I love your laugh, so very much.
I love when we are laughing together, because when we do, it doesnt matter that I've only known you since transition day, it feels like we've been friends forever. And that's cheesy, really cheesy, but really true.
We wrote songs together, we wrote assignments together and now we blog.
We've grown up, a bit lol.
You are my toto, so is she, but you are.
I hope thats not pressureful...
Regardless, you are the first friend i made on transition day and I'm quite sure we'll be sitting on a porch when we're 80, laughing about something that doesn't quite make sense.
I love you girl, you amaze me.

2 b cont
<3glitter

Thursday, July 30, 2009

light bulbs wash up all along the beach

Netball is an interesting sport.
Fiona O'Laughlin says netball is not a real sport, that its for sissys.
She has obviously never seen it played, because then she would know that its a very angry sport lol.
Like last night for example. I was playing in WD and the WA, oh my goodness.
I love an agressive player, but I like it better when they are the one that get mad and get distracted and called for contact, not me.
Grrrr...
I was like 'DIE BITCH' and got a little bit swallowed up in my competitiveness.
I didn't actually yell, but I pushed her back.
And got called for it.
I was like ' T_T! I had my elbow in her back just before and you didn't notice then!'
Basically, I was fuming and I didn't play all that good in that quarter.
And then I had a different player in fourth, so I chilled out a bit and played better.

Then, after the game, she and a few of the others gave really decent handshakes.
Might not sound like a big deal, but it is to me. Most people just kind of tap your hand and mutter, they dont even look at you.
Three of the girls gave a solid handshake, looked me in the eye and said 'Good game' or 'Well done' or 'thanks' and I was like, 'yay!'

I like the girl much better now.
She plays hard and agressive and she gives a good decent handshake.
:)

<3gliTter

Friday, July 24, 2009

What is this love? Why can I never hold it?

'Arms high and heart abandoned'

Heart abandoned, soul surrendered.
If you've abandoned something, you have left it for dead.
To abandon your heart, is to forsake emotion.

To decide that it doesn't matter how much that heart tells you its in pain and that you should be the one to make that stop, you will never step back; never stop searching.

That when that heart feels joy for the wrong thing, you will keep walking the road you know to be true and right. Not safe or comfortable, but right.

That when that heart that you no longer consider yours feels absolutely nothing at all, that this does not matter and you will keep going, keep walking, keep climbing, keep seeking.

To surrender your soul, is to give away the very essence of yourself.

To say that 'All I am is yours' is to forsake all other definitons.

I thought once that there's a difference between 'Hi, I'm Bob' and 'Hi, my name is Bob'.
Between 'This is who I am' and 'This is what they call me'.
I want to walk into a room and say 'Hey, I'm gods. My name is child, servant, devotee. My parents named me Louise, I like these names better.'

I would love to say that having a greater understanding of what it means to abandon my heart and surrender my soul, means I have done it.

I would love to say that having a better knowledge of what it means to be defined by my loving creator saviour god and nothing else, no-one else, not even myself means that I can let go of wanting esteem from others and from myself.

But I'm trying not to be a liar, so I won't say that.
But I will say that I will sing that song carefully.
Although, it does say 'I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned...my soul lord to you surrendered, all I am is yours'. 'I'll' meaning 'I will' not 'I do'. Future tense, not present.
If that makes sense to anyone but me.

Because one day I will, not today and probably not tomorrow, but one day.
Of this I am sure.

<3glitter

a dandy caucus race

I'm sorry.

Again.

I'm sorry for that awful night and now I'm sorry for yesterday...

well the second half of yesterdays blog.

was it yesterday?

who gives a damn.

I...

I know it's not exclusive. I just...

I don't even know why I said that, all I know is I'm sorry I did.

And I'd love to try and get into Austen and join the blog club, if you'll have a paranoid non mouth shutting idiot like me.

I know that this is something I need to work on, and I know this has happened before, but I hope you'll forgive me anyway.



I love you, don't forget that.

If I didn't, I wouldn't be paranoid.

Hopefully I can love you and not be paranoid.

Cos I can't scrap the first bit, never in a million years.

Again, I'm sorry.



<3glitter

Thursday, July 23, 2009

trip on your own guilt land on your own headache

I love that you remember how I love that.
That's cool, that is.
I like being remembered...
And I like being missed, which is dumb. Because I care about the people who (at least say) they miss me and i shouldn't get joy out of their sadness, neither should they get smiles from my many midnight missing you all at once tears.
'I missed you when you went away but even more when you came back changed.'

I hate that I'm a liar.
I hate that even today, as I confessed my lyingness to my mentor, I did it again. Smally, but I did. Because I don't want to admit the real lie. It's not a big deal, but it's connected with laziness and procrastination and olsen twin screwups. Olsen octuplet screwups.
I'm sorry that I get so touchy when you tell me I need to pull my finger out and do some work in the weeks before due dates, rather than the 24-40 hours.
I know you're right, which is why I hate it.

Little Miss Conviction's only friend is Mr Mistake. They go hand in hand to all the fabulous parties but no-one wants them there. They don't mind Mr Mistake by himself, but when Little Miss Conviction comes along for the ride, her hat is so sparkly they can't ignore her, or her Mr.

Little Miss Conviction and Mr Mistake, hated soley/souly for their existance. (sorry that I borrowed your trick, but I saw the opportunity and couldn't help myself, you can have the credit for it).


Having Austen shoved down my throat. A silly thing to say actually,because I volunteered. Because I want to be a part of it. I want to shove my annoying way into one of those oh-so-exclusive things of yours.

DAMN THIS DESPERATE NEED FOR INCLUSION.

I was sitting around a campfire with my drunken father and uncle and my dad (who was only barely half drunk) made some comment about me being an independent soul.
At the time, I smiled. I think it's a good thing...I think I think it's a good thing (I think I can I think I can) but I've been thinking on it lately.
What if I don't want to be?
Thing is, I do.
But I want to be an independent soul with other friendly independent souls.
Or I want at least for the two of you to be equally as independent from each other as you are from me.

Please don't interpret that as a demand, or as anger.
It's neither, but paranoia has a friggin long half-life...
<3gliTter
growingmoreaffectionateforyoueveryday
growingmoreintriguedbyyoureccentricites
hopingyoudontthinkthatlastbitistrivialisng
hopingformalhappensbecauseiwantthatdance
iwantthatmemory,iwantthelaugh
ivegotanotherwifetoo ;) hehe
sorryforthehacky

Monday, July 20, 2009

but Lord! We didn't know what size you wear!

Zomg.
Keith Green.
Heavy stuff.
The title seems trivial, but oh my gosh.
The lord will seperate them into the sheep and the goats. and to the goats he shall say
'...I was in hospital, racked in pain upon my bed and I begged and prayed and pleaded that you'd come but you didn't ...I was in prison. AND I ROTTED THERE! I read your magazines and heard you radio programmes and I prayed so desperately that you would come, but you never did.'
'LORD, there must be some mistake!' 'I mean, when were you hungry, and we didn't give you something to eat? LORD, when were you thirsty and we didn't give you a drink? I mean, thats not fair! Do you want something now? One of the angels wanna go out and get the LORD a hamburger and a coke? Oh, you're not hungry...I lost my appetite too'
'Lord, when were you a stranger? You weren't one of those creepy people who came to the door were you? That just wasn't our ministry, we just didn't feel led you know!'
'When were you sick LORD? I mean what did you have anyway? At least it wasn't fatal...oh, it was? but LORD, I would have sent you a card!'

Keith Green.
It's challenging, sometimes its funny, it's very well played and in short, its incredible.
Get into it.

He woke my sleepy spirit and last night, I prayed the devil away from me.
I told him to take his doubt and numbness and fear and insecurities and inaction and poison and shove it where the sun doesn't shine, where he belongs.

And today, today I feel awake.
Physically I'm still tired, but my soul feels awake again.

I made a big list of all my sins. Laziness, gossip, doubt, undiscipline, the list goes on and on for 3 and a half pages of my journal. I wrote them all out and admitted and repented them all. I sat there in my bed and pictured the cross and I finally felt free again.

I told him again and again and again that my God loves me. That he can't condemn me any longer, I'm not his puppet anymore.

So if you're one of the many people affected by my stuff ups, If I've annoyed you, brushed you off, lied to you, talked about you behind your back, been unhelpful, been bitter and deconstructive. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me, I was self centred and thoughtless and heartless, devoid of love.

And I'll be making specific apologies, so don't freak out and think I've lied to you or bitched about you, none of the people who read this blog come under that heading, so please don't worry about that. But one of our group has already been brave enough to come out with what needed to be said, its my turn now.

Toward this beautiful girl, I acted inexcusably. She doesn't even know, but I did all she saved me from, less than six months ago.
All that I suffered I inflicted.
This is probably one of the things I'm most sorry about.
Please forgive me...I don't deserve it, but I was so incredibly wrong to do what I did and say what I said, when I've been there myself such a short time ago.
And even today, she gave me exactly what I needed. A big, long, friendly hug. And a huge smile.
A thousand times more than I deserve...

<3glitter
youhavenopowerovermeyoudon'tdefineme

Monday, July 6, 2009

I built another temple to a stranger

My eyes are dry,
My faith is old
My heart is hard,
My prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to you and dead to me
I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
I'm a prodigal with no way home
But I put you on like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle,
I run down the aisle to you