Thursday, December 31, 2009

To have sand in my pockets and nothing on my mind

Now I don't know if I'll be home to post a midnight reflection on 2009, so here is this piece of wisdom from the very talented josh pyke that have set me thinking a lot...

If you’re freezing on your left side
And you’re boiling on your right side
Then I guess you might be warm upon the line
There are many ways one can divide a life
And I’ve got mine

I was flying home and I
Saw the sunset from the sky
I saw the dark come spooning down upon the land
And I thought about the distance we all cover
And it made me sad

And as the old year took a bow
And joined the setting sun
It comes around again
Like a refrain
And we all sing along
And think of things we should’ve done
Till one year when the new year never came

Little comfort, little comfort
I’m afraid you’re not enough
I’ve had some learning both unwelcome and unkind
And it seems there’s but one story told
And then re-worked all throughout time

Are you a good one or a cruel one
It is just the laws that make us bad
What can we do to measure where we stand
Well I judge myself by what I give to someone else
So I’ll know where I am

Don’t let that sense of urgency betray you in the dark
The rustle of a curtain’s not a sign
Don’t frame this picture now
As some kind of closing remark
And most of all stay warm upon the line
Most of all stay warm upon the line
It’s best if you stay warm upon the line


Happy New Years to all.
May it be blessed with good times and good truth, good friends and good lessons learnt so that this time next year, you can say it was all worth it.

Live with no regrets.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I know its mad, but if I...

A thing to remember...
random hilarious voice messages of the two of you roaring along with plush tigers

'how does that work?' 'its magic sweety'

'you were meant to turn there!' 'what??' ' I said go straight!' 'I did go straight!' 'No, you veered right!' 'What the hell? In direction speak that is straight!' 'no its not!' 'Yes! It is!' 'No!! It's not!!' 'Hey, do you drive??' 'uhhh...no?' 'SO SHUT UP!!!'
(my favourite things about this are a) we won and b) the last three retorts from my side were double tracked with my best girl ;] )

and also, a random bit of prosetry that I thought of...

'my tongue is covered with the bite marks that spell out all the things I should have said'

Thursday, December 24, 2009

love in a desert

A random idea I had as I was answering the phones at work tonight, may come out a little weirdly cos I'm reaaaaallllly tired, but I wanna get it down before I forget...

It kinda falls in the short story category, but its long for a blog entry, so if you don't have the stamina either come back later, or don't worry about it.
If you could read it and comment me about it, that would be awesome, but I'm not too fussed.
Have a good day :)


Was that all for you tonight?
'It started as a dare.
It was an ambivalent Saturday afternoon and we met up before work, to grab a bite to eat that was not pizza, or pasta.
We would drink anything that was not coffee, coke or beer.
We would go anywhere but work.

We were determined not to think or talk about it.
So, of course, the first thing we did as we sat down with our glasses of Chinese tea, was say
"Wow, isn't it nice to not be at work?"

There were 7 waitresses at our little cafe, only six of whom worked nights.
One was taken down with glandular fever, another a broken leg, one taking school leave for exams and the other gallivanting across Greece for 5 weeks.

So it was just the two of us, working joint closes, 5 til 10:30 or 11:00 every single night, and we had been for the last 11 days. Until Josie got her cast off (months away), Claire got over the glandular fever (goodness only knows how far away), Stella finished exams and final assignments (another week away yet) or Dannie got back from Greece (four weeks) we were stuck doing this.

On one hand, we'd gotten into a great rhythm.
On the other hand, we were going nuts.

"Seriously, if I have to say 'sorry, for chicken pizzas we have either the chicken supreme or the chicken and pineapple' one more time, I'll smash a glass on purpose."

"Well if I have to say 'sorry we can't do credit card for delivery's' one more time, I'm going to slap someone"

"Well if I have to say 'Have a good night' one more time, I am seriously going to go on a murderous rampage."

"If I have one more fat greasy sleazy old man wink at me and say 'thanks gorgeous' I'm going to set the store on fire."

"Cheers to that"

It was all a joke, in the beginning we were just kidding.

Then we got to work, cleared the tables from lunch and all that setup jazz.

And it started.

One of the more extremely moronic delivery boys ran past the sink with arms full of Party size pizzas and knocked 4 glasses off, sending them hurtling down to an untimely death, only to say 'oops' and leave.


A fantastic start.

Then my headache kicked in, right as a table of 9 walked in off the street, complete with two screaming toddlers.

Gee, thanks, you shouldn't have.

Then said toddlers spilt three full glasses of coke all over the table cloth, the garlic bread, themselves, their highchairs, and the floor.

And we ever so honestly calmly say
'Oh thats just great OK, I hate you it's fine'

And clear up.

As I'm walking away with the dripping table cloth, I hear a smash.

Gee, thanks. You shouldn't have.

As I return from fixing it up yet again, I see the pile of take away orders, banked up already.

Oh shit yippee.


And so, at only half past 5, we entered a whirlwind of complaints, mistakes, grumpy customers, broken fridges, empty bottles, declined credit cards, screaming children, melting gelati, devastating heat, and always, always the noise.

Whirring, crying, beeping, humming, throbbing, chinking, talking, bitching, scraping, piercing

noise.


Normally, the level of busy-ness is fluctuating, with lower points within the peak, it comes in waves. Tonight was turning out to be be one big endless wave. One table of 3 would leave, the second they did so, someone arrived wanting a table of four, run out and clear it and round the cycle goes, never stopping, never getting easier.

Until at 9:45, after four and a quarter hours of ceaseless rush, one particular cocky, sleazy, dust for brains guy pushed me over the edge.

"Would you like that American hot or mild?"

"Oh definitely hot. Hot, blonde, around nineteen, drunk and easy."

Now, I've had people make jokes before, in a similar vein, but never so blatantly disgusting.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard! Hot, blonde, around nine-"

"Yes, I heard that. I may not be drunk, blonde or hot, but I'm not deaf or dumb"

"Oh, so you're not denying that you're easy then!"

"How dare you! You have no right to speak to me that way!"

"Hey, it's my right to speak the truth!"

"I am not easy! And how would you have any idea, you don't even know me!"

"I can't help it if your reputation precedes you!"

"How dare you! I don't have to tolerate this kind of behaviour, I'll go and get my boss in a minute"

"You know what sweet cheeks, forget about the pizza, I don't wanna buy from a pissy little slut anyway."


And he stumbled out, muttering along on his way.

I was shocked, disgusted and really pissed off.

Trying my best to shake it off, I moved onto the customer who was waiting behind him.

A few minutes later, I had to answer the phone.
Blah blah blah, pick up order, name
"Could I just grab a contact number please?"

"Oh, you want my number do ya!"

" get screwed It's so we can contact you if we need to clarify anything or inform you of any changes"

"Yeah sure, that's what they all say."

"Sir, I need your contact number for the purposes of the order"

"Methinks she doth protest too much"

"Seriously, all jokes aside Sir"

"I like that, respect. A woman who knows her place"

"Excuse me, but do you want to order pizza or do you just want to insult me"

"I'm not sure, but I reckon both sounds like fun"

"I don't need to tolerate this, we have quite enough business without putting up with swine like you"

"Ooooh, fiesty, I like that in a woman! Fiesty, booby and..."

at that point I hung up. Don't know why I waited so long really.

Instantly, the phone rings again.

"Good evening, how can I help you?"

"Ah, where can I begin?"

For some reason, I didn't recognise pig-brains voice and responded, instead of hanging up.

"I'm sorry?"

"Why'd you hang up on me fiesty, we were just getting started!"

Then I recognised him.

Poking my head out the back, I asked a delivery boy to answer the phone and swapped back onto the till, hoping I at least wouldn't be insulted or hit on.

No such luck.

"I'll have a Party sized tropical and a Party sized hot American. Huh-huh, get it! Huh-huh, a tropical party, thats classic."

An extremely forced smile and confirmation later, I made the mistake of letting my waitress smile slip off.

"Oh whats the matter sexy, sad you can't come?"

I am so past bothering to give a shit, so I just look at him blankly for a second and go back to order scribbling.

"Oh, poor hottie wants to come to the party. Tell you what, I'll do you a favour. I'll give you a nice big tip, but only if you'll do me 'a favour'."

My blank look turns to a glare, and the ghost of a twitch.

"I mean a blow-job, in case you couldn't trouble your pretty head to figure it out."

That does it.

"You know what?"

"What is it, gorgeous?"

"Get fucked."

"If you insist" as he nudged his slimy little wing-man

"No seriously, fuck off."

"Thats a little rude don't you think."

"No, not really, I think it's justified. I don't have to put up with this shit you know! I'm not your eye candy, I am a waitress, and a human being with a brain much bigger than yours and standards much higher than you, so fuck off."

"Awww, is someone a little crabby? Someone going through their little time of the month?

"That's enough. No, seriously, FUCK OFF. You can take your tip, your blow-job, your party sized american and your giant empty head and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS! Get the fuck away from me, you slimy, sexist, ugly, horny little FUCK-TARD!!!'

And then, as my breathing sped up, shock racing through my system, he did the unthinkable.

He reached across the counter with his repulsive little hand and patted me on the face.

"There, there sexy, we can't always be as wonderful as me, no need to be bitter."

"Don't you DARE touch me!!!"

He lent up over the bench top right up close, and I could smell the rum and weed all over him as whispered "Don't pretend you don't want me to..."

So many times, I've read the phrase 'my fist seemed to fly on its own', and I still don't understand it. The punch I threw was the first I had ever delivered straight to a persons face, and I damn well meant it.

As I unleashed a week and a half worth of tension, frustration and blind anger, I felt his nose meet my stainless silver ring, and did I imagine that cracking sound? Did I imagine that absolutely everything went quiet right at that instant?

Apparently not, because when I pulled back, breathing heavy, I could almost hear the blood start to trickle down his disgusting little face, mingling with fear, as he swore like a sailor and bolted, tail between his legs.

I stood there, paralysed by shock and adrenaline, but still kind of proud of myself in a way, and still very angry.

All eyes were on me. Every customer, delivery boy, waitress, chef. Every man, woman and child.

My boss.

"You know what? FUCK YOU ALL! You can take your orders, your money, your criticism and your bitching and SHOVE IT!"

Then without knowing what I was doing, I fled the scene of my crime and hid in the storeroom.

Shockingly, my boss gave me the next night off...'



Monday, December 21, 2009

haven't we suffered enough?

'No news is good news' is a terribly flawed statement. Perhaps, nothing bad has happened anywhere on any scale, and there are no dogs playing Rachmaninoff with their tails, or old people complaining, and so all news casters have unanimously decided to take the night off.

Or perhaps, conversely (and more probably) a freak lightning storm has shot the tower and subsequently killed all who were around and underneath it in a gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, agonising way. So perhaps no news is really horrible news and we are doomed to negativity and pain whichever way we go Perhaps its best to pretend that no news is good news and live ignorant, happy and damp, under a large rock.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

it's better that we know, that love is hard

So basically, education sucks.
Calling it education is hugely misleading.
They might as well just label it 'disappointment and pressure centre' and be done with it.

I don't feel educated, I feel defeated, deflated, beaten.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

No poem or song could put right what I got wrong

Titanic.
Widely known as the cheeriest movie ever.

-cough-

The first time I watched the titanic, I did not cry.
I did not cry when he dies, when they are freezing and dying and there seems to be no hope.
I did not cry when those left are saved.
I did not cry when it ends.


I am not even crying now, I am shuddering.

My poor affluent, spoiled, individualist little heart breaks, as that irish mother tells her children 'they'll get the first class people in the boats first and when it's our turn we'll be ready'

As the stone hearted first class mother says
'Will the lifeboats be seated according to class? I hope they aren't too crowded.
'Oh mother, shut up! Don't you understand? The water is freezing and there aren't enough boats. Not enough by half. Half the people on this ship are going to die.

'Not the better half.'

As the man hesitates, hesitates and then jumps into one of so few lifeboats and he sits there, trembling, he knows full well what he does. He knows that he has sacrificed their lives for his.




And I am sitting here, watching Jack freeze and Rose cry, as those in the boats flail around and listen to the cries for help slowly getting quieter, slowly fading away and my heart is breaking. Not because Kate Winslett just did her 'I'll never let go' bit.

Because I am Cal Hockley, pretending I am a childs last hope, to save myself, pretending to be good to save my own sorry skin.

I am Molly Brown, speaking up to little and too late, and sitting down.

I am saving my own skin.



Fifteen-hundred people went into the sea, when Titanic sank from under us. There were twenty boats floating nearby... and only one came back. One. Six were saved from the water, myself included. Six... out of fifteen-hundred. Afterward, the seven-hundred people in the boats had nothing to do but wait... wait to die... wait to live... wait for an absolution... that would never come.


I am the first class of the titanic, but goddamnit, I'm going back.
I'm going back to the scene of my crime and I'm going to make a difference.
But am I really?
Life is comfortable, poverty is far away...
I am too human.

But if I have to watch Titanic once a week and feel this agony all the time...
It's better than the regret of following the alternative.

I will not be those people...
Please god... help me to be better than I am, better than human.


take my heart, take my heart, kindle it with your heart.
take my heart, rekindle my heart.


Friday, December 4, 2009

The time of your life...

Say it ain't so
I will not go
Turn the lights off
Carry me home


na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na

Sunday, November 29, 2009

watching hastiness unfold

I forgot.

I simply can't believe that I forgot that.
I mean...shit!

(before I get any further IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT ITS MY FAULT IM THE ONE WHO SAID ID BE THERE AND THEN I FORGOT IF ID REMEMBERED WE WOULD BOTH HAVE GONE AND THERE WOULD BE NO ISSUE. wow, I don't think I needed caps for all of that, I didn't deliver it that passionately in my head lol)

Anyway...
I know you'll never read this, cos I don't think you even know that this blog exists.
But..please reply to my text, or... I dunno, something.

Please don't hate me?

Honestly, I don't think you could hate me, just because you are too good a soul to hold any hate in you. But you could be mad... and why wouldn't you be?




In other, more happy news

ITS CHRISTMAS TIME
Today we picked out, payed for, dragged home, carried in, stood up and decorated the crap out of this years chrissy tree.
I must say, it looks rad. (wow, the girl who helped her dad carry that thing in must be buff as ;) )

And, my sister and I got to ride in the back of a ute.

And not just any ute, a christmas ute.
Take that.

And I must say, our entrance into and out of the tray of said ute was exceedingly...
graceful?
...no
coordinated?
...no
delicate?
...no

ah, thats the word,
hilarious

good work sis, good work.
Oh and extra good work to mum who got her finger over the lense, very very classy mum :D
And you claim to be a photographer :P
Nah, you take great photos mum, just not great 2-second stupid snapshots, like I am the master of :D
good times.


Thursday, November 26, 2009

im a child of eden...

War of the worlds.
Tom Cruise
Dakota Fanning
Some other guy who looks a lot like he could be Tom Cruise's son.

Alien invasion.
Honestly, nothing cheesy about it.

What this movie does so freakishly well is to highlight the selfish desperation of human nature. The hideousness of of fear and the way it permeates human beings and drives us to horrible, horrible things. And yet, still out of that come moments of what australian popular legend has dubbed 'mateship', a concept I love, but i think they could have picked a word that had a little more weight to it, but oh well.

But overwhelming it, so often, is the unstoppable tidal wave of agony, the coming darkness, the approaching doom, unstoppable.
Fear.

People talk on and on about the power of love, 'you cannot track it, and you cannot break it with a thousand swords'. But honestly, looking at the nature of human beings...

So often it is fear that is hardest to fight. It grips you by the veins with cold hard hands of menace and we are paralysed.

Two options, freeze or run for your friggin life. And you'll only know if you're running the right way until its too late.


Sorry, I shouldn't write so pessimisticl, but I'm watching the war of the friggin worlds lol, and theres been no happy ending yet, I'm pretty sure it ends ok, I think we have the audio book (used to freak the living daylights out of me listening to it in the dark when i was like, 10 lol).
But yeah, its just at the point where Tom Cruise asks his daughter to sing a lullbay to herself as he blindfolds her, while he goes to deal with the guy who's going totally bonkers and gonna get them all killed, as the music builds up and you can hear all the crap above, and the red weed spreads and....

God Dakota Fanning must be messed up.
No wonder she was so good in new moon lol.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

it's a mystery to me, the game commences

Ten Reasons Why I am not your 'average' teen girl.
Sorry to steal your idea Ben :)

1. One of my favourite things to do is watch crappy zombie/horror/sci-fi movies with my dad

2. One of my other favourite things to do is sit on my shed roof and watch the sunset.

3. The other night I stood outside watching the lightning for 45 minutes, eating a chicken burger.

4. I love Doctor Who, Torch-wood and Star-trek

5. I own three neck ties, two jazz hats and a beret. And I wear them. And I'm going to formal as a man.

6. I don't have a boyfriend, and generally I don't care.

7. I love Keith Green, a christian singer and incredible musician from the 80's

8. I'm interested in politics, and I love thinking about the way our culture works, how people think and behave and why, the all pervading nature of hyper-reality and how to escape it.

9. I sing random songs in public, just cos they are stuck in my head, or playing on my iPod.

10. I generally enjoy the company of my little sister and her best friend.


However, I must admit a few things.

10 reasons I am a fairly average teen girl.

1. I own an iPod, and I love it.

2. I have 4evr by the Veronicas, from when I bought it in year 8.

3. I fight with my mum.

4. I eat chocolate or mac 'n' cheese when I get depressed.

5. I buy things impulsively.

6. Sometimes I want a boyfriend so badly it makes me cry.

7. I cry in sappy movies, sometimes in kids shows, if I'm having a really bad day.

8. I am addicted to facebook.

9. I enjoy gossiping, (but I kind of hate that I like it)

10. I talk in the movies.

PS I had sooo much fun with my dear girl last night, going to see new moon.
Your laugh is gorgeous dear, utterly gorgeous :)




Tuesday, November 24, 2009

lets take a breath, jump over the side

This is the original intent of the poem I posted before, I just got to articulating the second idea first.
This one might make a little less sense straight up, but I'd love to hear your interpretations.


you were made of sunshine

I took your picture
added glitter
over parts I didn't like

changed your smile
and for a while
you were made of sunshine

took my lenses
messed with tenses
saw you in my rosy way

shuffle pieces
ironed creases
saved you for a rainy day

I change your nose
remove your woes
Then move on to your heart

Create new words
my vision blurred
and then onto your past

I'll heal the scars
of long nights dark
we'll be each others heroes

down we delve
to save ourselves
from counting up the zeros

I close my eyes
and big surprise
Your perfect smile greats me

Far I fall,
You save us all
No darkness can defeat me

The sun does rise
wipe sleep from eyes
Your magic unforgettable

From every place
remove the trace
Reality regrettable

completed souls
together whole
I cling to adoration

you are mine
we intertwine
and you are my salvation

Perfection reached
I write my speech
reveal this perfect art

admire your face
all parts in place
your strong and perfect heart

Hold it up
and raise my cup
a toast to it I stammer

I hear a sound
and look around
and see you getting hammered


Monday, November 23, 2009

I don't wanna be a stupid girl...

I took my picture
added glitter
over parts I didn't like

slice that stranger
re-arrange her
into something I might buy

Honest's tough
and not enough
to satisfy this need you grew

Cut and paste
No space I'll waste
found the scissors, where's the glue?

Stick together
won't take weather
never said I did before

does it matter?
winds will batter
I'll be tossed up in this storm

im a faker
you're a breaker
shattered hearts distorted dreams

I pretend
my time I spend
claiming its not how it seems



Thursday, November 19, 2009

love is a lie which means I've been lied to

So here we are.

again.

like the moment before a musician begins to play.
Chopin, Mozart, Beethoven, or Britney?
Who can know but he?
And even he...

like the moment between punch and dead arm,
you know whats coming, and you dread.
dare add hope to this bubbling agony?

like the moment between push and movement
straining, without a shred of doubt that it will work and we will roll right on into a happier piece of future.
but then...

the moment between thunder and lightning.
surreal, the soundless ripping of the sky.
As the very fabric of the sky crackles and wrenches itself into a thousand pieces of melancholy tuesday afternoons, the weave of the sky tears for just a moment, letting through the harsh light of a day unknown to mind or heart, a time unloved, unseen, breaks through. For just that minuscule moment, we wait.

And for a while, there has been flash, but no pain yet.
Truth, but no dawning.

every millisecond drags on for years as we are stuck in this moment.

stuck between
'yes' and 'but'

between lighting and thunder


the devil's wheel revolves, but it needs to be re-set

I know that everyone is saying this, fairly constantly at the moment.
But
holy
crap.


its hot.
But due to the fact that my mum is fair awesome, I don't have to walk to work anymore. Which is an epic blessing, cos I'm gonna be hot enough tonight without starting my shift off that way.
-ithinkicanithinkicanithinkican-

I can do it.
Sure, right. I can totally get through my shift without passing out...

:S


It's so close to over, for one more year.
A second last.
I know its more massively sentimental and scary for you guys who have actually finished.
But its like... Like we are standing on either side of a mountain peak.
We're looking up at what we are gonna have to do next year going 'ohmygodkillme'
and you guys get to look back on what you've achieved.
However the metaphor ends at 'its all down hill from here'

And I miss you guys, you twelves. already. And I talk to you on failbook all the time and all that.
And I miss having you around...


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

to watch each other sleep

something I wrote on the 16th.



I realised something tonight.

I'm wasting my life.
I have the answer but I do not do what I should.
The flesh is able, but the mind is a mess, and it is fearful.

It's like suddenly thirty. Am I gonna wake up in fourteen years in an apartment I don't recognise? To a life I don't remember. To a life that seemed to chug along fine on auto pilot, but so unbearably empty.

'I don't remember my life'

Is this all it will be?

A big ball of hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades drifting away in the familiar, blending into grey until I am ninety and left wondering how the hell I passed the time.

I am nothing but a big pile of commitments unfulfilled, letters unwritten or unsent, promises unkept, faces indistinguishable, moments forgotten, sentences unfinished, ideas unpainted, gifts ungiven, words unsaid, stands untaken, points unmade.

I am boiling in the heat of choices unmade.

Just like these ancient checked things that blister tired feet,


I am more hole than shoe.

Friday, November 13, 2009

FREEDOM IS MINE

scent of the pine, you know how I feel
stars when you shine, you know how I feel
FREEDOM IS MINE
and I know how I feel

oh I'm feeling good





in other news, I had a random thought.
it is odd and sometimes sad to be dependent on people who aren't dependent on you.
or just not to the same degree.
I want to make this HUGELY clear, right here.
I AM FINE.In fact, I'm better than fine, maths is over, I'm great!

But sometimes it strikes me as interesting, that you are what keeps me sane, but its not entirely a two way street.

Please, I beg you, don't get me wrong.

I love you guys, and I'm happy with the state of my life.
But, I just...you know, I just think too much :P

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I've been dying to get out, and that might be the death of me

even though there's no way of knowing where to go, as long as I'm going...

Some days, I want to be one of those people who can just run and not give a damn.
Just run from things, desert people, fail commitments, all that.
And not care.
But in the ever so wise, truthful and shoe-immortalised words of a great friend

trip on your own guilt land on your own headache


im a hostage to my own humanity...

you're the field in the middle of the city

Dear everyone who ever expected anything of me.

Shove it.





In other news, I am undeniably going to fail this maths exam on friday.
Like, not even a question.
And I beg you, for crying out loud, don't tell me I will be fine and do better then I think.
I ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS do worse.

I am not good at maths.

repeat, since you seem to learn this slowly.

I
AM
NOT
GOOD
AT
MATHS

Sorry to have disappointed you, but thats the truth of the matter.
And whats that I hear?
You want to tell me I'm self handicapping, and should think positively?


just to reiterate, so you can learn using classical conditioning through repetition,

shove. it.


and if you stop telling me I'm not going to fail, maybe I'll reward you, by using negative reinforcement by removing the unpleasant stimulus that is my presence .
because, looking at that practice exam, I don't remember a single thing.
It looks like chinese to me.
And we all know how much attention I paid in chinese...

PS OH LOOK THE QUEEN! Imjustgonnagocutsomedumplingswithscissorsnowkthxbai

weeeaaaaaooowwwww weeeeoooooaaaoooooooowwww

<3

Monday, November 9, 2009

what if there was no time...

A wish list...

1. A little place of my own, close to where I work, study, worship, close to friends.
2. Or even, a bigger place, shared with said people. Three or four of, a nice community thingo. So that I only have to do one chore all the time. Dear future roomates, SHOT GUN DOING THE LAUNDRY :)
or a combination of the two over the years.
3. The kind of place where I can just say 'yeah sure, come right over, make yourself at home. Sure, stay for dinner! Sure, stay the night! Midnight cookie dough? sure thing!' A place for me to be wicked hospitable, to always have guests coming out, the type of guests who care about my company and having fun, not spotlessness.
4. Somewhere to watch the sunset.
5. Somewhere to watch the sunrise, when I manage to get up for it.
6. Somewhere close to a coffee shop.
7. The kind of job I can go to only during the day, work with people who make me smile and laugh, work hard but not so fast I feel like my hair is gonna fly off and the kinda place I can leave feeling like I did what I was meant to. Work to do well and leave there.


Overall, the kind of life when I could wake up, not know what day it is until I open a diary, realise everything is all laid out and going to go swimmingly, and go through the day not needing to know what time it is, just being full immersed in whatever I'm doing.

The kind of life that is great just the way it is, the kind of life that good things just happen to. Good people don't need to be searched for, they just kind of arrive through different ways.
A life of spontaneity, contentment, creativity and closeness with God.

The kind of life that doesn't leave me looking to the future and wondering about husbands and children and all that stuff that is great when you have it, but terrible when you are too aware of not having it.

I want the future to just kind of roll on in, I don't want to sit here waiting for it.
I don't want to sit here waiting for my man.


I want to live.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

It sounds so soothing, 'this will all blow over in time'

I'll take my time
I'll take the leaf from your book
I'll take a break
I'll take a look

I'll take my stand
I'll take your heat
I'll take the pills
I'll take the heat

I'll take a vacation
I'll take all the blame
Now I've taken it all
are you glad that you came?



Saturday, November 7, 2009

thats the whole shootin match right there, the whole shittery














There you go, those are what I took the other day.
I must say, I really love them.
I feel like I actually captured the thought I had, and how I felt...




Friday, November 6, 2009

love, make magic

Jacynta, you've inspired me...
I looked for 'how I pine', cos it was the song lyric that just zoomed through my ears.
and that came up...
I think its quite appropriate...

I think I might go play with water and my camera now. Seeing as I can do that :D

I knew I was wrong, to jump straight on in

One my best friends posted something interesting today, a question, a request for thought.

She said How do we stay clean in a world of filth?

I responded to her, naturally :P

My first response to that is that you sound like a religious fundamentalist.
Which took a bit to get past I must say.

But then I thought about how I feel like empty actless loveless suffocating fundamentalism is a huge part of the filth in this world, because it is meant to act to improve it, to shine a little light and it does not.

Fundamentalist religious types have the faith (sometimes) that was meant to be the difference in the world and they either keep it to themselves or do not understand it at all.

So how do we stay clean of that shit??

Remember its there.
As often as you can.
Remember that you are capable of being a part of the solution just as much as you are already a part of the problem.

And break out, break out with spontaneity, action, justice, hope, love.

Make a difference, by being different.

if only it were that easy...




Tuesday, November 3, 2009

the ringing in your ears might be the sound of thought

Hobby:
Going to movie premiers dressed as characters from the wrong series.
e.g. Dumbledore at new moon, Hobbit/elf witch at harry potter.
etc, etc

option a) look sad and awkward
b) shout out comments relevant to your costume/character/the wrong movie

Monday, November 2, 2009

I love it when you feel like getting nasty

Louise Jesshope
jelly this is ridiculous :P
a) we should both be studying
b) I should be asleep
c) we are talking on two different post comments
d) I want to build a tree out of wooden furniture... Read More
e) I want to buy a table and chair set, paint them pretty and take them around places and take pictures. then leave them somewhere awesome.
f) I have a banana and pineapple smoothie, with lime and coconut on top.
g) I'm wearing my primary school pedal prix top
h) i have a fancy new colourful belt
i) I'm not wearing any shoes and I don't have to until midday tomorrow.
j) frank woodley is hilarious
k) matt preston reminds me of mr clark
l) you'd better still be reading this at this point :P
m) I have an iPod
n) I wanna go to vietnam again
o) I wanna go to africa!
p) my iPods name is fran, like in blackbooks
q) if you havent seen blackbooks, I will educate over the holidays
r) you need to watch a very potter musical
s) after you watch a very potter musical, you will understand why I think malfoy is awesome
t) also after you watch AVPM, you will understand why I have a crush on voldemort
u) voldemorts name isnt tom riddle, its joe walker
v) voldemort ♥ zefron
w) david tennant=amazing
y) MY CAFE > YOUR CAFE
z) :P


Catherine Bennett
a) i did an english exam today. i get a break. you go study :)
b) sleep is overrated
c) it's coz we're awesome
d) hell to the freaking yes. i shall help.
e) sounds good. we should leave them on someone's doorstep... Read More
f) i'm jealous
g) i'm wearing my awesome clan hoodie shazz bought me :D
h) yay! i have a ghostbusters belt :D
i) i am wearing socks. felt like you needed to know that ;D
j) i agree. so are hamish and andy
k) i googled. and i agree lol
l) i read the whole thing :D
m) me too!!!
n) i know someone who lives in vietnam :)
o) that would be fairly awesome
p) my iPod doesn't have a name. i did get a toy cow today and i called it angus though lol
q) um. yeah..
r) i shall tomorrow
s) i already think malfoy is awesome. don't ask me to explain coz i can't lol
t) bahaha
u) i knew it!!
v) ahahaha. this actually made me LOL
w) he has crazy eyes... but other than that, i agree
y) MY CAFE > YOUR CAFE
z) :D xx



Louise Jesshope
a) diddums :P and no, I'm having too much fun :P
b) no it isnt!
c) true, now we are having 26 conversations at once :D
d) sweet, goes onto the holiday list
e) I was thinking we could take picks of us sitting on them like, at the beach, and in the city and maybe in a tree... then we shall nail them to the ceiling somewhere :D... Read More
f) damn right, but its gone now...
g) sweet
h) sweet, my sister has a glow in the dark belt with ghosts on it, jay jays all 3 of us I think
i) mmmk
j) i agree, so is paul mcdermott
k) i meant in the way he talks, he rambles like mr clark
l) god its taking a long time to write this...
m) mines purple
n) so do I! lets go visit them both
o) yes, yes it will
p) wicked. :D I also I have a hiking pack named melman
q) ill take that as a 'yes, i need educating'
r) sweeeeet
s) please explain!
t) im serious lol
u) i know!
v) im glad :D
w) lol, great hair and smile and stuff
x) DUDE I MISSED X!
y) MY CAFE > YOUR CAFE
z) forever

Catherine Bennett
a) haha i know right
b) for the purpose of this conversation, it is
c) hehehe
d) yay! you have to help me decorate :D
e) i'll bring the hammer ;D... Read More
f) aw D:
g) i thought so lol
h) yus. jayjays = win
i) :D
j) i'm funnier ;D
k) yush. i googled to find out who he was. then i realised i knew who he was.
l) no joke. i keep forgetting my alphabet xD
m) mine's black and in desperate need of a new cover...
n) pack your bags. we're leaving in the morning ;)
o) which part of africa?
p) i have a frog named preston and i cleaned his tank out earlier lol
q) maybe...
r) just set it to download overnight :D
s) i can't. i don't even know. he's just... malfoy xD
t) i'm scared.
u) i'm just that awesome
v) yay!
w) he does have nice hair...
x) OMG I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE xD
y) YOUR CAFE <> win
i) lolz. i had to go through 3 levels of 26 part convo to understand that...
j) lol, at the moment I can say that this convo has made me laugh more than GNW, and that is massive.
k) ah, sweet
l) me too! we are too similar lol
m) lol
n) oh dude, one day ASAP that will be true. once im done with school. stuff blowing my $$ on alchohol at schoolies, lets go travelling
o) Uganda, I have a sponsor child there
p) sweet as lol
q) its hilarious, trust me.
r) oh mad, post on my wall the SECOND its finished
s) lol, i cried in whatever number it is that hes working for the bad guys and crying cos hes gonna die or whatever lol, when moaning myrtle is all like 'there there'
t) i had to go back to the beginning for that one lol, and absolutely no joke! he's damn hot and a great character and yeah, you'll see... Read More
u) yes, yes you are. so is joe walker
v) again, back to the second one. and yay also
w) and good shoes
x) lol. we should have alphabet convos regularly :D
y) MY CAFE> YOUR CAFE
z) so, we are all set to: paint furniture and nail it to the ceiling, watch black books, listen to this song, re-watch and talk about a very potter musical. should keep us busy for the plane to vietnam!

**I have to go to bed now, feel free to comment back but I won't reply til tomorrow
ily jelly :)



Catherine Bennett
a) that's good then. i can now sleep soundly.
b) haha i shall. watching people freak out makes me laugh lol
c) glad you agree
d) yes for real room deco. i'm repainting, ripping stuff out and buying new furniture. totally pumped ;D
e) haha sounds like a plan... Read More
f) you better make me one next time lol
g) i had to scroll up to work out what we were talking about. i'm still wearing it lol
h) agreed. but i hate the way they set their music out in JBs. genres annoy me so much. everything should be alphabetized... don't get me started on this rant haha
i) haha me too... wow this is confusing lol
j) haha. i have no idead what GNW is (and i'm way too lazy to work it out...), but yay!
k) yuhuh
l) yay! i'm not the only one xD
m) listening to it now :D
n) sounds awesome!
o) snap. if i went, i'd want to go over with invisible children or something similar. plus, it'd be amazing to just see how they live...
p) not really. he smelt bad lol
q) haha okay
r) i'm hell excited now. it better be good lol
s) yeah.. me too. but i cry in almost every movie...
t) still scared lol
u) baha. the name joe walker makes me laugh...
v) haha. yeah.. there is a lot of scrolling involved in these things... lol
w) can't say i looked at his shoes that much..
x) YES! this is awesome lol
y) MY CAFE > YOUR CAFE
z) sounds damn good to me. add in numerous outings to IKEA and a hell of a lot of paint fights and we have ourselves a pretty damn awesome set of holidays coming up :D

night night. ly2 xx


Louise Jesshope
a) thats good, I cant. im in bed and still doing this silly thing on my tiny laptop cos its too fun
b) lolz. you should have taped yourself over the year then :P
c) C has become pointless lol
d) oh sweet as. I am SO there. even if you don't want me :P. you should see my room, it is rad. I have a whole wall covered in drawings n stuff. its blue and has a strip of wallpaper with smiling flowers on it. oh and its a giant mess :)
e) indeed it does :) but whose ceiling? oh dude, mr clarks room :D epic lolz... Read More
f) ok, when we do all that stuff, we can have smoothies. I have a book with recipes :D
g) im in my pjamas, in my bed :D
h) thats a good point, but you can't argue with price, range, or service as good as theirs.
i) yes, very confuzzling.
j) GNW is good news week. im amazed shaz hasnt told you lol, its funny
k) see c (RHYMING)
l) :)
m) me too :d
n) aye it does, I can't wait to go back to all my favourite spots. but random things I can only remember, like old Vietnamese guys giving me crystalised ginger on a coach bus cos its good for travel sickness. didnt speak a word of english, but very sweet.
o) yeah, and the whole ideaof it just excites me sooo much
p) lol, like your face
q) its 'totally awesome' lolz. i cant wait til you get that lol
r) lol, you should be excited! im excited!in fact, i might watch some on my iPod :) again lol
s) lol, i meant book :P :P I nearly cried in scorpion island the other day (kids survivor type show, LAME)
t) lol. again, can't wait til you get it. -envies bellatrix lestrange-
u) randomlol
v) yes, yes there is.
w) as the doctor, various dif connies that go with dif suits n stuff
x) :D :D and all cos I just wanted to do a really long winded 'my cafe>your cafe'
y) MY CAFE>YOUR CAFE
z) oh dude, sweet as. when we went, I said to my sister 'how funny would it be if we set all the egg timers to dif times' and we just looked at each other and grinned, and did it! one of those moments when you say 'how funny would it be if' and then do it and it really is funny!
good times behind, good times right now, good times ahead :D
now I really should get off failbook and sleep.
sleep good jelly :)



and you thought that was hard to follow lol. it was much harder in real life, but also much funner.

:D
in conclusion
a) study/having too much fun
b) sleep
c) awesomeness of 26 part convo
d) furniture tree/holiday list/decorating
e) fun with furniture
f) smoothie/lack of smoothie/promise of future hypothetical smoothie
g) clothing
h) belts/jay jays/jb hi fi/genre vs alphabetical
i) bare feet vs socks/being confused
j) funny people
k) matt preston & mr clark, same person?
l) forgetting of alphabet
m) iPods
n) vietnam
o) africa
p) things with names
q) blackbooks education
r) a very potter musical
s) unexplainable awesomeness of malfoy
t) crush on voldemort
u) joe walker (and crush on/hotness)
v) voldemort <3>

the holidays are gonna be rad :D :D :D
lol, I said rad

im stuck on a verse

haiku...

sometimes are profound
but sometimes nonsensical
cheese breath facebook bound

Saturday, October 31, 2009

I didn't know what life was

For a start, a random start.
It makes me happy to see your name popping up in my inbox, even though they are only facebook alerts. It makes me happy, because we are in touch, and often. Doesn't matter that its about random pointless stuff, its contact. And I never want to lose it, you are too awesome.


My mum tells me I went through this phase of screaming myself to sleep.
Not crying, screaming.
Not cos I was scared, cos I didn't want to go to sleep.
I still resist it.
e.g. right now.
1 in the morning, I have to work tomorrow, I don't even care.
I don't want to go to bed, goodness only knows why.
I know I'll be fairly happy when I get there, get to sleep.
I don't know why, but I know I always have.

any ideas anyone?

yay for psychologically self diagnosing :D

Thursday, October 29, 2009

when i grow up, I'll be stable

the five top phrases that make me want to crawl into my bed and NEVER come out

5. "final exams"
4. "this will only hurt a little"
3. "we need to talk"
2. "I'm sorry to tell you"
1. "lost passport"

number one no joke...oh god.
makes me want to throw up with fear even when I'm sitting safely on my couch in a country I don't need a passport, with it safely in the filing cabinet not 6 metres away.
actually, I might go check that...
no worries :)

And I never even lost my passport, only a train ticket...

and hey, if leisha can make me do this, i can make you.
i want to hear yours :)
comment me with the list, or a link, or whatevs.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I finally hit the crackpot
you finally broke me down
I'd give you every cent I've got
to wipe away your frown

My wasted hours haunt me now
as day fades into day
you called me 'stupid', 'ugly', 'cow'
they said its just your way

desperation drinks vodka from a teacup
frustration drinks bourbon from a shoe
I'd take all I had and I'd give it all up
just to get a little word from you

after seven years of telling me
that this is all ill get
you finally got your way my dear
so are you happy yet?




just so you know, this is totally fictional, the last verse kinda just popped into my head while I was watching criminal minds and it went from there.
so don't stress, im fine :)

if grace is an ocean we're all sinking

Ok, a message to the few year twelves who read this, or give a damn.
stay away from me, ok?
just for a bit...

I'm having one of those days/clumps of a few days.

Just to give you the idea...
have you ever seen the show scorpion island?
its like survivor for kids, but no-one gets voted out, they just have to win 'island torches' to give them advantage in the final challenge that decides who wins, with me?
well 'the island' took one of the core members of one of the teams as a prize for one of the challenges. and they were, understandably, devastated. and crying.

and for some dumbass reason, I nearly joined them
quite literally, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

so, stay away for a bit, or face the wrath of my blubbering mess.
particularly you jelly, since ill start you and then you'll make me worse and on and on we go until we drown. wonderland style.

ill let you know when I'm less of an emotional hazard.

kthanxbai

Why am I supposed to love if I don't want to?

I find it interesting. I'm watching Oprah, and they are talking to this author, who wrote some thing called 'eat pray love' about spiritual journeys and india and italy and bali and meditation and stuff.
It talks about slowing down, taking time for yourself and stuff, meditation, prayer and stuff. The author keeps talking about 'god'

I would like to pop into the the television and ask her which god she is talking about.

I believe that i know the one and only one, the true god.
But I would like to know who she believes she is talking to, and encouraging others to talk to.
What does he/she think of her? What is he/she doing in the world.
Does she know whether or not this god actually listens?

She said that 'god is the perfection which absorbs'. apparently a gnostic thing.

I don't like that idea. I'm slowly learning to disagree with people and I disagree with this lady.
God is a real thinking feeling listening talking acting being.
sure, on an unbelievably deeper level than us, but still.

I don't believe that god is just a blissful sponge waiting for people to sit there and clear their heads and be sucked on into his perfection.

I believe that he is jealous for me loves like a hurricane i am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
I believe that his grace is an ocean and we're all sinking.

he loves us, oh how he loves us


Monday, October 26, 2009

he is jealous for me


watch it.
For the ten minutes it will take you to watch this, stop studying. stop.
for just ten minutes.

stop for ten minutes and watch this thing and let yourself cry, or just be impacted in whatever form it takes on you.

i think i might actually change my blog title cos of this, cos this is just...

He is jealous for me,
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.


When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affe
ctions are for me.


So we are his portion and he is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes,
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking.


So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
He loves us


oh how he loves us so



Friday, October 23, 2009

lets pull it together now

We.are.made.of.win

its that simple.
Essentially my dear wifey, I love you lol.

To fill in those who were not privileged enough to be there, we got a bag of oranges, drew faces on them, wrote a little note and scattered them over her office.
Those in our psych class will get it. And by oranges I mean real oranges, like, the kind you juice and what not.

Just cos we are awesome, and cos she is awesome.

best last day prank ever lol.




Thursday, October 22, 2009

You're Beautiful, It's true

You’re Beautiful, by Simon Armitage

You’re Beautiful because you’re classically trained.
I’m ugly because I associate piano wire with strangulation.


You’re beautiful because you stop to read the cards in newsagents’ windows about lost cats and missing dogs.
I’m ugly because of what 1 did to that jellyfish with a lolly-stick and a big stone


You’re beautiful because for you, politeness is instinctive, not a marketing campaign
I’m ugly because desperation is impossible to hide.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

You’re beautiful because you believe in coincidence and the power of thought.
I’m ugly because I proved God to be a mathematical impossibility

You’re beautiful because you prefer home-made soup to the packet stuff.
I’m ugly because once, at a dinner party, I defended the aristocracy and wasn’t even drunk.

You’re beautiful because you can’t work the remote control.
I’m ugly because of satellite television and twenty-four hour rolling news.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

You’re beautiful because you cry at weddings as well as funerals.
I’m ugly because I think .of children as another species from a different world.

You’re beautiful because you look great in any colour including red.
I’m ugly because I think shopping is strictly for the acquisition of material goods.

You’re beautiful because when you were born, undiscovered planets lined up to peep over the rim of your cradle and lay gifts of gravity and light at your miniature feet.
I’m ugly for saying ‘love at first sight’ is another form of mistaken identity and that the most human of all responses is to gloat.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

You’re beautiful because you’ve never seen the inside of a car-wash,
I’m ugly because I always ask for a receipt.

You’re beautiful for sending a box of shoes to the third world.
I’m ugly because I remember the telephone numbers of ex-girlfriends and the year Schubert was born.

You’re beautiful because you sponsored a parrot in a zoo.
I’m ugly because when I sigh it’s like the slow collapse of a circus tent.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

You’re beautiful because you can point at a man in a uniform and laugh.
I’m ugly because I was a police informer in a previous life.

You’re beautiful because you drink a litre of water and eat three pieces of fruit a day.
I’m ugly for taking the line that a meal without meat is a beautiful woman with one eye.

You’re beautiful because you don’t see love as a competition and you know how to lose.
I’m ugly because I kissed the FA Cup then held it up to the crowd.

You’re beautiful because of a single buttercup in the top buttonhole of your cardigan.
I’m ugly because I said the World’s Strongest Woman was a muscleman in a dress.

You’re beautiful because you couldn’t live in a lighthouse.
I’m ugly for making hand-shadows in front of the giant bulb, so when they look up, the captains of vessels in distress see the ears of a rabbit, or the eye of a fox, or the legs of a galloping black horse.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.

Ugly like he is,
Beautiful like hers,
Beautiful like Venus,
Ugly like his,
Beautiful like she is,
Ugly like Mars.


I love this... a lot

the rhthym of the rocking is unknown

Just in case I hadn't stolen this idea enough already...

Dear Peter Pan,
I will miss you. So damn much.
You don't even know how much I'll miss you. You can't, cos I don't.
It might be as much as I expect, or maybe more. I think the most random things will make me think of you and our very random, often inappropriate-conversation times.
I can honestly say I love you.
In an odd, six-way-marriage-perfect-stripper-cake-of-celebrities-alice-in-wonderland-peter-pan way.
Kthanxbai!

Dear Vietnam,
I already miss you so much.
It has been nearly a year since we met and you changed me and I painted some of your walls and much of myself and much of my pants.
My fat old history teacher likes your neighbour/cousinish fellow better than you. He prefers to sit on his fat ass and drink beer and eat food. I prefer to walk fake-drunkenly through your incredible organised chaos streets and try not to get hit by a bus.
My fat old history teacher maintains that it is less commercial.
He may be right. However, he also prefers the hindu goddess of death to the one true living loving god.
I do not trust his opinion.

Gam ern for the good times!


Dear beautiful,
I loved you even when you were mostly closed up, scared and vulnerable.
I loved you when I only knew about the ones on your wrists.
Recently you have been opening up, like a fearful, hesitant, incredibly beautiful flower.
I do not love you more, because I believe in trying to love people the same all the time you know. Strongly, unconditionally. Consistently you know?
But it is amazing, and I feel so privelliged to get to hear what goes on in that beautiful brain of yours. And you are going to pass year twelve. Even if neither of us sleep all year, you will pass, and so will I. k? good :)

Dear Amazing,
I feel like... like one day I will scream at you.
Like one day I will yell with all the desperate confusion and humanity in my soul that even though I don't think homosexuality is the best idea humans ever had, there is something deep and urgent inside me that tells me all people are gods people, all people are real, feeling, breathing, crying, sinning creatures of gods incredible creation.
One day, I will snap and tell you that believe it or not, frowning at something you feel to be too low brow will not make it as conservative as you. That those things are often funny. Believe it or not. One day, I will scream.

But I love you, so even when I snap, please don't stop loving me because I'm too liberal for your taste..


Dear Incredible,
You are exactly that.
The pain you have/are/will endure is just...
I can't even...
just....dude...
I know right?
I love you SO MUCH
k?
many loves and hugs and jasmine flowers for you forever...


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

They're just old men, like on the benches in the park

the wind sighs deeply, as a long awaited love breathing deeply in the night beside you.
and yet, now it rushes and with a feverish whisper it pulls you with it, come, it says come run away with me

Monday, October 19, 2009

can you feel the empty sky?

something i would like to say to/about someone i love


my life looks like...

if i could look like someone else i would choose...


today I feel...

i could live without

deep inside you are...
something you want to say to/about someone you love...