I'm not in love, this time, this night

So, its been a long time since I wrote anything here, but as I am very busy not listening to my english lecture, and I was looking at this blog the other day. Since the header photo is oh so pretty (and no, I'm not blowing my own trumpet here, check the disclaimer) and this blog holds so much of the past, I figured it was worth pretending to maintain.

I found it really interesting, rereading the last post, and even more so again that I've not written here since then...

If I was meant to have had my 'wow, this is real life' moment already, I must have missed it. Yeah ok, school was sheltered, I know that. But I don't feel that I've magically stepped into real life. In fact, I feel that I've just learnt to do a much better job of avoiding it, which certainly can't last.

So I don't know where I'm at, if i'm honest, or why I'm writing this, or why I am so tired.

But I guess that's just my reality right now...

she was drinking tea in the garden

So I decided it was about time I put a post up again, and push out that horrible angsty one that's there right now haha. So...
So I don't know, I'm trying to find a way to pin down a single one of the squillion things swirling about in my brain right now.

As much as I'd like to write about the things that are happening around me, they are not mine to write about. I'm concerned about them, certainly, and deeply, but I know I can't properly understand what the people around me are going through, because I'm not in their respective positions.

So, I'm gonna talk about the future.

It's just occurred to me that its, you know, real. And headed towards us.
Not just university, although that's exciting and terrifying enough all by itself, but that, realistically, is only 4 years. And for the exact purpose of going out and living a real life. We're no longer aiming for courses, we're aiming for professions, lifestyles. Reality. (ok, so we haven't got Uni offers yet, and we are still technically aiming for courses, but my point still stands)

I dunno, really. I guess it just hit me that 'the future, it's here, it's bright, it's now...'

And as for you, you still make me angry. I would still talk to you if I were to see you in person, and I want good things for you, and all the usual cliched 'i forgive you but i still don't like to be around you' things. (And, on a side note, I know that it isn't up to me to forgive you or not)
But this whole thing that you keep repeating on your tumblr, about not knowing what life is really like until school is over... I have to put my two cents out there.

I might be being naiive, and I suspect this is the case, but I've had and quit two jobs, planned, funded and helped lead a four week overseas trip without my parents, I've had my heart broken, I've made mistakes, I've had my very identity questioned and I have answered.
I've had friends and lost friends and made new ones, said stupid things, hurt people and tried to make it better, swallowed my pride when I didn't think I was wrong.
I've given so much of myself at times that I can't function, loved people so deeply and worried so intensely that I can't sleep or think straight.
I've been so scared I cannot breathe.
I've been lucky enough to count people as family who aren't, I've had a ridiculously blessed life, I know this.
But I've cried so hard I feel like I'll explode, I've laughed so hard I've cried, I've loved, I've lost, I believe I've lived.
There is much, much more of life to come, I know that.

But I can't believe that the last 17 years have been nothing, and despite still being a child, fresh out of highschool, still living at home and out of my parents wallet, I will not be patronised.