You'll never be what is in your heart

An incredible quote from the episode of Grey's Anatomy I'm watching, Callie's father has come to see her, hasn't spoken to her since she told him she was gay, quite some time ago. She said all this stuff and I just thought it was so... so beautiful. Because I know that Jesus is ashamed of lots of things I do. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he's ashamed of me, just the wrong things I do.


Mr. Torres: Leviticus: Thou shall not lie with a man as one lies with a female, it is an abomination
Callie: Oh, don't do that daddy! Don't quote the bible at me!
Mr. Torres: The outcry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and the sin is exceedingly grave.
Father Kevin: Carlos, this is not what we...
Callie: Jesus: A new commandment that I give unto you, that you love one another.
Mr. Torres: Romans: but we know that laws-
Callie: Jesus: he, who is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone...
Mr. Torres: So you admit it's a sin?
Callie: Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy! Jesus: blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God! Jesus: blessed are those who have been persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven! Jesus is my savior daddy, not you! And Jesus would be ashamed of you for judging me! He would be ashamed of you for turning your back on me. He would be ashamed.

I'll just sit back...

So uh, I was just wondering.

Who exactly turned the world to shit while I was looking the other way?



and a random bit of story...

'So there she was, after all she'd been through. Stalking facebook groups and old email accounts for chain mail, sending them all out to everyone she knows, hoping desperately that they would come true. 'I'll be kissed on friday?' 'my true love will find me if I send this to eight billion people?' and fingers crossed, she sends them whizzing through cyber space, as she wishes on 11:11 and 12:12 and 1:01, hoping with all she had left that something, anything would change.'

we're holding up the bypass

Sometimes I have this need curiosity.
About you.
I used to know you, so, so well. Or I thought I did at least, until we were done with that part of us and I discovered all the skary skeletons in your kloset.
I thought we ended so cleanly, but sometimes you only find the worm in the apple when you cut it open, even if that cut seemed to be so clean and sweet and easy, worm juice. Bitter and sticky and all pervading.
That was those months before you found the new place to fit yourself, where you fit properly and truly like I thought we had but we hadn't.
But that is all in the past now, the way we treated each other whether lovingly or bitterly, the antagonisation that you thought didn't matter, the tears and the yelling and the text messages I made myself delete but think of often. The days spent watching silly english comedy and making out on your couch. I ate hot cross buns with your mother, talked about you and her boyfriend with your sister, and made polite if awkward conversation with your dad. We went shopping for plasticine and candles in cheap-as-chips at seaford and I went back there the other day, realising that the last time I was there was with you, helping you with bio all those ages and stages ago.

All of it is in the past, the good, the bad and the ugly, on both sides.

And now we are friends again. We took our bloody time getting here, but here we are.
And these questions come up. They have lost a lot of the emotion behind them now, but part of me still wants to know, in a curiosity way, rather than a desperation way.

Why didn't you ever call me beautiful until worm juice?
Why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't I let myself see it?

Did you really love me, and if you did, had you loved anyone before me?
I suppose I want to see if we matched up.
I don't know that what I felt for you was entirely love, but I thought it was at the time, and that certainly means a lot.
I always thought you were beautiful, a lot of the time I still do, in an odd objective unemotional way, a calm contented reminiscence of the way we used to be, it's much easier now.
I'm finding that the only things that are still raw are the things I never let myself do until now, like listening to that song. That was still hard, but thats because I didn't let myself go through the pain to have the gain of contentedness.
And I almost always think you're funny.

I think you were the first person I loved that way. I know I had him before you, but much too much of that was fear. Like I said, I know that I will love someone more truly and strongly than I did you, one day in the future, just as you now love her. It's beautiful to see you together. I remember that I told you once that you'd make someone very happy and I wish that could be me, and you didn't want to hear it.
It came true, and that is intensely beautiful.

I heard once that you never really get over someone until you love someone else more than you loved them.
I don't believe that this is true. You have to be very, very brave to get through the seemingly endless stage when it feels like that is true, but its not. This knowledge is a huge comfort to me, as I hum my way along through life connecting with as many people as I can in hopefully a deep way, loving and validating people as we all walk down this road together, all walking in different ways but the same direction.

Some march, some crawl, some skip, some strut. Everyone does bits of it all.

I've marched, I've crawled, I've skipped, I've strutted. Now I hope to spin, looking forward to the future, back to the past, sideways to the people around me, and into myself.

I know you used to read this, I don't think you do anymore.
If you do, and you feel like answering all these questions, go ahead. If you do and you don't want to answer, then don't. If you don't read it, this will never matter.

It matters a lot, but not in an agony way, in a significant painful part of my young life being over way.

Looking forward to our continuing degrees of normal.

I've had some learning both unwelcome and unkind...

And as the old year took a bow and joined the setting sun, it comes around again like a refrain,
And we all sing along and think of things we should have done, till one year when the new year never came

This song keeps getting stuck in my head, I dunno why. It's very pretty (dear Leish, you must get a copy of chimney's afire, basically, I should hurry up and burn you a copy.)

Today has been... Varied.
I had to bite my lip to keep from telling a certain my-subject-rules-over-all teacher (Yeah I know, that doesn't narrow it down) that he should lay off and appreciate that I tried to do it and because I was so bored exhausted I couldn't take anything in so there was no point in continuing.
And that I had to work.
And that it was my birthday party, which we will now never have to worry about again, because I won't have another for twelve months (unbirthday party anyone?[we should have a giant unbirthday party to celebrate the premier of Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland]) and in twelve months I will be lazing around being happy and bored, and painting old cars and furniture and leaving them places and taking lots of photos and enjoying the fact that I got into my uni course but don't have to do any work yet.

I desperately need want to do all those crazy things we said we'd do that night when everything was fine...
Oh, and I really wanted to tell him to put his head back up his ass where he found it.
Too far?

And yeah, I'm over-reacting, I was grumpy!


But then you dudes arrived, much to my happiness, hyperactivity and regression into feeling totally like a year eleven again. But it's been worth it, to see the funny little things you do when you subconsciously still act like students.

Librarian: 'If you're sitting here you need to be quiet and be working'
Non-students with withdrawal symptoms: -nodd- 'Yep' -reach for non existent schoolbag-

I love you guys, you're awesome.
And I shall be calling you (particulary my wife shortstuff) at 3 am when I can't think straight to do my homework. And I shall do so on my hamburger phone.

:D :D :D :D :D :D

They read all the books but they can't find the answers...

So I'm exhausted. Last night at about half twelve, I slogged my way through the last part of the chapter I had to read for Classics (fat lot of good it did me seeing as I took absolutely nothing in) when the TV goes off, the computers go off, the oven and mircowave go blank and the UPS's start to beep (a UPS is a fancy computer thing, an Uninterruptable Power Source I think, and they beep when the grid power goes, its VERY annoying, but it means we don't lose everything.)

Seeing as the lights didn't go, it was fairly easy to tell that it was not in fact a black out (well duh) so dad went and flipped the circuit tripper thingy, and life! The answering machine started babbling, the oven beeped, and the UPS changed its noise, hurrah, success! Ten to twenty seconds later, it all went blank and beepy again.

So we (my father and I) began the crusade of unplugging things. Start with the toaster, the TV, the pointless things that suck up lots of power. Flip the circuit thingy, same again. It was around this point that I realised that the best way to tell if it was still on was the oven, cos its display flashed 'HELP' spelt in digital numbers when the power was on. Which, although a little unnerving, was actually very helpful to me, so I became oven watcher.

Again and again and again and again and again we flipped the thing and it just went out again, until we had pretty much everything unplugged, and it kept doing it.

At this point, we were getting desperate, and hunting in the kitchen for the power for the oven, the fridge, the microwave, and what we finally discovered was the smelly culprit, the dishwasher. (dramatic culprit music)

I should point out here that we did not discover this through intelligence and deductive reasoning, but by listening to the electric spark that it emitted, and smelling  the rank burning mechanical type smell that came out of it. Absolutely rank. For a terrible second we thought there was a mouse stuck in it somewhere, but thankfully there wasn't, that would have been groooooooosssss.

So this is at one thirty in the morning, and I finally got to sleep.

The kind of more deep and meaningful point of this post was going to be how astounded I was by the amount of appliances we have plugged in at all times. Its crazy! Forget relying fully on God, we are much better at relying on electricity...

It made me feel HUGELY vulnerable actually, it was quite scary...

I could breathe a little more than I would realise

I have found a song that seems to fit with this year really well.
It was playing in my headphones as Leisha, Lauren and I were reflecting on the beauty of public shamelessness, or at least singing and dancing like losers. We were wondering why we didn't catch on earlier, but thats not what this post is about...

You can call me crazy, you can call me what you will
You can take the bitter pill if it helps you sleep at night

To me that means that you can be bitter and judgemental and pissy if you want, if it helps you feel better, but it makes no difference to me. Unfortunately I do not think this is true for me, I care too much about the opinions of others, but I want it to be true.

It's a long, long way my crooked friend
It's a long long way back home
So close, yet we've come so farSo close, still we've got so far

For me this is about life, specifically year twelve, school.
It's a long way to the finish, but we truly have come so far, in our education, our knowledge, our relationships, ourselves. It's a pretty cool thought really, but will be cooler at the end of this year lol.

I can safely say we feel as safe as we like,

For some reason this seems to me to be about the level of control we have over our emotions and our responses to stress, to the world. This year is as good as we make it.
Lest we forget those who died, I never will

Now I know you guys who graduated in '09 aren't exactly dead, but I think this line is about you, I'll never forget you, and I miss you all the time (I keep expecting you to walk into the common room and either sit on me or kick us out, or both).

Such a perfect Island, tucked away in the sea,
A real land of the free, do you hear me?

For me I think this is actually about Australia itself, but to a certain extent, the freedom we are constantly aiming and reaching for, and that we kind of already have, or pieces of it.

It's a long, long way my crooked friend, 
Such a long long way back home


So close, but we've come so far