Sunday, May 30, 2010

Truth be told, I miss you. And truth be told, I'm Lying!

Hehe, love the glee version of gives you hell.
:D

This was gonna be another 'zomg I had another dream about you, how annoying is that' blog. Because I did, it felt super weird realistic, I woke up and thought 'huh, cool, that was fun. .... ... ... FAR OUT IT WAS ANOTHER DREAM!!!!!!' But anyway, I has more important things to say.

I have warm fuzzies to dish out :)

Dear Miss Mills,
You pulled me aside on Friday night to ask me if I was OK. I kind of am, but you noticing that I've been tired and a bit sad lately, made me much much more OK. You're like the lovely, protective big sister that I never got to have, thanks very much lovely.
<3gliTter


Dear Miss Jeisman,
I hope your back feels better dear, and your heart too. I know you have been having a hard time with everything lately, but I want to remind you that you are Gods incredible beautiful creation, and God doesn't make mistakes. And you always, always make my heart smile.
<3gliTter

Dear Cindy,
I am so unbelievably glad that we know the difference between grumpy and angry.
I love you :)
<3gliTter

Dear "What's New, 'Lipton Chai Latte'"
Chai means tea. It was traditionally called Masala, first made and loved in India and South Asia.
Your presenter, lovely as she is, is patronising hundreds of years of delicious tradition.
And lovely as the drink itself is also, and as new as I am to it as well, Lipton? really? A corporation built on the back of slaves, rather literally. And maybe I'm being over-dramatic, over-reacty and a bit indie-pretentious about this, but at least hundreds upon hundreds of years of tradition have come down to hard labour and poverty, just so that you could have 'the perfect pick me up'. Maybe there is good in the world.
<3cynic


Thursday, May 27, 2010

Only then will you belong with me...

It's happened again.

She's nominated me for another community service award thing.
And I really, REALLY do not want this to be a 'zohemgee look at me and all my award nominations', because I don't feel like I deserve it, at all. And no, this is not a not-very-subtle plea for you to tell me how good I am. 

I just...far out. This is the email she sent me... 
1.       Outstanding Citizenship; assisting groups in need.
2.        Initiative and concern demonstrated for the advancement or well-being of others.
3.       Production of significant benefits for members of the school/general community
4.       Leadership and influence of peers by example
5.       Demonstration of skills in organization, management and communication
6.       Demonstrated pride in Australian citizenship.

Even a couple years back, before school got so bonkers, and she nominated me for that Onkaparinga Youth award thing... I felt like a hypocrite then and I feel much worse now. 

Because honestly, I had the chance to be a part of the leadership of our schools vision generation, turned it down. Had a chance to be a part of the leadership of my own youth group, and now I'm considering bailing on it all together. 

I mean, I go to school, I sit through year twelve management pretty much refusing to commit to actually doing anything. I drag myself out of bed, shovel down some breakfast, try to stay awake and semi-productive and attention paying in school for the day, try not to kill anyone in choir, go home, try to stay awake and productive again, then go to bed too late. 

Repeat until Sunday. Sunday get up and sing at church, or just go. Go home and try to be productive again. Oh, and sometimes I umpire, but I get paid, so it doesn't count. that is it!!


I feel like I'm being made into a hypocrite...
What did I do to make myself look like I do things? Because I just.... I don't know how to tell her that I'm not who she thinks I am...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

I'm not sayin' it was your fault, although you could have done more

I still dream about you.
Embarassingly often.
Like seriously, if you ever find out how much you're on my mind, or in my dreams...
Well I'm screwed, because you'll be too weirded out to speak to me ever again, and I'll just get worse.
I had a dream within a dream, about English being horrible.
Woke up from the dream within the dream, had a whinge to Shaz and Catherine, they were coming over for some reason. As we walked through the house I discovered it was full of people, from all of my different little circles.
School friends, Church friends, Old work mates, a couple of my favourite netball girls, some family and of course, the old family friends. You. Well you and your brother and your best friend.

You were cooking something, you were wearing oven mits and standing in the kitchen. Your brother and best friends were sitting around on the benches, demanding that you make them a sandwich.

You laughed, put down whatever it was (bits of oven maybe?) and looked up and saw me.
And you were... well happy to see me. I got me a massive hug from you and your brother, and other people from my life started popping up.
Two from separate circles appeared to be suddenly a couple, which was very weird, but overall it was just awesome fun.

And even though it was your face only in a sea of others that I adore so much, I only remembered the dream and made myself remember because you were there.

And I miss you.
And you don't reply to anything.

And you will never be who I imagined you to be, but part of me still doesn't know that.

And I wonder if I will ever stop dreaming of you.

andpartofmedoesn'twantto

Sunday, May 23, 2010

I'm awake in the infinite cold...

Love gives me hope.
It makes me want to cry.
Not in a painful way, not in a 'oh-gosh-i'm-terminally-single-at-the-age-of-seventeen-and-have-an-inkling-i-may-be-so-for-quite-some-time' way.

But just... just because...
I don't really know why actually.

Because they are beautiful, and some are painful.
But also because they are so real, I just submitted this one...



'My Pa died 6 years ago.
2 years prior a man named Roger lost his wife
My Pa gave his wife her last communion, the two couples were friends.
My Nanna and Roger found comfort, companionship, and a new lease on life.
When they finally sat together in church, she wore his ring.

Love in every season GMH'


Friday, May 21, 2010

If you had a hammer you would knock the whole thing down...

today's me makes a mockery of yesterdays optimistic plans and to-do lists, 
today's me plans for tomorrow's hopeful that 
she will be more productive and less tired than I am.


And baby, its always more, we're all just getting more
assignments
essays
tests
due dates
responsibilities
frustrated
angry
testy
aggravated
old
exhausted



over it

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Dear Louise,

Hi there Louise, You've reached your brain. 
I'm full of essays and poetry and piano and music theory and mise en scene right now, so I will happily forget that you wanted to contact me, as well as that essay and the fact that you should be reasonable and go to bed early. Leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you. Maybe.


-beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep















Tuesday, May 18, 2010

How can you be so dead?

I've written this for an english assignment, text production in order to escape poster making :D
i wanted to write on something I'm passionate about without being so personal that I didn't want my teacher to read it, obviously. So here it is, I hope you guys like it, or are convicted by it, or feel something in some way lol.



On Witness
I’m told I hold the dearest truth
And ordered to protect it ruth-
lessly, to fight my way to God
and honestly, I find it odd
to have so tightly bound together
sweetest always, darkest nevers.
we twist His words in such a way
dement, distort, til clear they say
'Thou shalt defend, contain, preserve
traditions truth, for we deserve
to have this newness all our own
and never note how much they groan
of Pain and Death and Poverty
we must push on!' as they decree
‘thou shalt not laugh, or dance or love
those heathen dogs’, while we above
sit smirking, sneering, truth withheld
yet burning rubber’s telltale smell
does drift its way to those below
they crane their necks, and soon they know
the tinfoil lie we forged so well
is deadly, as the gates of hell
What of the Truth? of Grace divine?
We’d rather have communion wine.
Hide here in our iv’ry tower
Not by love, but lust for power
Our own comfort paramount
Broken hearts too menial to count
As anything worth risking for
So we sing hymns and bolt our doors
And guzzling down salvation shots,
Confess our sins?! Deny the lot!
Never mind the falling souls,
Their desp'rate echoes through our halls

And yet, I swear I heard him say
As bold as brass and clear as day
That we must love, all people, deep
Validate their hearts and keep
the knowledge firm, that ‘we are too’
just as lost, and far from you
Imagine now, if you still can
A world, despite the fall of man
Where we could trust, and hold eachoth’r
Acting justly to our brothers
And share with all, this hope, this grace
See love colour every face
It’s not as far as it may seem
Not a fairytale or dream
But true
and real,
attainable.
If we will
just
reach
out


its completely up to us







This week the trend was to crash and burn and then return again to practice the life that I pretend provides enough to get me through the weekend. I know that I don't want to die sitting around watching my life go by and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet because all of us are all too stuck. Ttrapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up.

you gave me a solution, what have I done with it?
cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out way back then, but after this day it's this week all over again.

And lately the weather, has been so Bi-polar and Consequently so have I.

Our concentration it contains a deadly flaw, change from words to blah, blah blah. We took prescription drugs but look how much good that did. Well I think I had a point, but I just got distracted

Lately it just seems to me like we've got the letters A.D.D. branded into our mentality we simply can't focus on anything.

That one thing of the moment that we all happen to like will only very temporarily kinda break the cycle of the double edged sword of being lazy and being bored. We just want more and more and more till it's all we can afford

To keep our eyes open for just one more day
To keep on hoping that we'll stumble on a way
To keep our minds open for just one more day
cause its completely up to us to maintain consciousness

well no one can possibly listen to this
more than 4 reps is just monotonous
we're losing interest, losing interest, losing interest 




cause its completely up to us to maintain consciousness

-Shamozzle of Relient K

Monday, May 17, 2010

It's the craziest thing...

The way we just devour time, it's unbelievable.
About a minute ago, I just remembered all the things that have happened today. Its been pretty freakin busy thats for sure. Got up this morning, shoved clothes in the dryer and ate porridge. I know, rivetting.
Went to school preparing myself to beg for my life to my drama teacher, by which I mean beg for an extension. I was late to school, that was gay. On the walk to drama, I remembered something horrifying.
I had to do my oral today. I had conveniently forgotten about this, not editted my draft and left it at home. woopie for me.
But since my drama teacher is super crazy amazing, she noticed me frantically rummaging through my backpack, asked me what was going on and gave me a note to go home and get it.
Delivered oral, shoved the thought of it behind me and onto winging my way through classics, shove that out of my, focus all energy on modern, get home, collapse.


It was much more stressful in real life...


But anyway, my thought was how crazy it is that we can get so good at just devoting all our energy to what is immediately in front of ourselves and chew the hours away in blocks, one assignment, one hour, one minute, one day, one week at a time.

A week is as far out as my zoom goes out at the moment, except for solo performance, which is constantly focussed on the next solo.

But occasionally I get to pull myself out, and those moments are my favourite. Formal shopping, youth group, small group, hugs. Moments dedicated to zooming out and resting your eyes, and that is so valuable and crucial no matter what anyone says.

The only problem is its very, very tempting to stay there.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Just a few more weary days and then I'll fly away

I shouldn't have watched Jessica Watson coming home. All I want to do now is go on an adventure, jump on a plane, or learn how to sail, or just drive away. I want to throw a few things in a bag, grab a copious amount of energy drinks and a few friends on the way and just go.

I CERTAINLY do not want to do my english. at all. not even a little bit. or my classics or drama or modern, and trust me, theres bloody well enough of it that I should be able to choose the least repulsive one...


But no, not anymore.
I don't want to by a formal dress, I don't really want that cup of tea, I don't want to listen to or play music, I don't wanna paint, I don't wanna take artsy photos, I don't want a bubble bath, I don't want a hug, I don't want an A+, I don't want to go to youth group or go to church or even go out.





All I want is adventure.

All I want is escape

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I won't be made useless

Dear fresh box of delicious Lady Grey tea.

Nice to meet you, it was a pleasure cracking you open and I am now enjoying the first of your spoils. You will get me through year twelve I hope, so please don't desert me : )

Much love,

Monday, May 10, 2010

like a dozen lies and a dozen more

English studies homework is like deep water diving without oxygen. Take a deep breath and dive in.
Hold your breath and don't stay there too long, or you'll die.

So basically, I sat at the computer desk staring at facebook for ten minutes before I realised I'd got out my classics book not my english.

Then I realised I had not in fact finished analysing my poetry, but was relying on the power of wishful thinking. shockingly, this has not got my english finished.


'i've been writing you a letter. about skin and bones. the internet. sometimes it begins, yesterday i saw a black bird in the park eating worms. and sometimes, it doesn't. these days it takes everything i've got not to burn down your house. rise up from these bed sheets in the morning to screaming. instead i fold paper hearts into paper birds. and other things with wings. sail them out our old-bedroom window. until collections of them. like memories of me and you. drop there on the almost-summer concrete below. false falling snow.' - http://doggerel.blogspot.com/2010/05/diacritical-remarks-for-your-dead-dead.html


incredible...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

I will still sleep peacefully with answers out of reach from me

'Arithmetic'

Sums
Deadlines met, missed and Looming
Twitches, strains, aches
High points, valleys, dead pan
purple
sheet music
copious amounts of unwarn jewelry
singular shoes
copious amounts of caffeinated beverages
mind full of analysis and random Baz Luhrman inflicted weird
Constant freakout or exhaustion.

Division
Sucks


somedayallthatshazythroughacloudedglasswillbeclearatlast
sometimeswe'rejustwaitingforsomeday