Saturday, January 31, 2009

im forever blowing bubbles

LOL
Utter lolage.
I was gonna write a sappy little post about the drive home from my cousins house with my nanna and my grandma swapping stories about when i was little.
A story came up about this song my grandma always used to sing when I was little
it goes 'im forever blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air' etc etc, I don't remember the rest.
I just popped it into google, wondering if I could find the lyrics.

And this is what I found

I'm forever blowing bubbles,
pretty bubbles in the air,
they fly so high, nearly reach the sky
then like my dreams they fade and die.
Fortunes always hiding,
I've looked everywhere,
I'm forever blowing bubbles,
pretty bubbles in the air!

United "clap clap clap"
United "clap clap clap"
United "clap clap clap"

Let's go fucking mental
Let's go fucking mental
lalala
lalala

Let's go fucking mental
Let's go fucking mental
lalala
lalala


and i must say

EPIC LOLS

yes indeed, lets go fucking mental :D

<3gliTter
PS sorry grandma, I did so love that sweet little song lol

its the man who sells the potions, im just the one who plays the songs

Well I'm surprised at myself.
In a good way, I think.

I managed to take some pretty heavy...well I guess you'd call them warnings, constructive criticism i suppose, about the way I act.

It was well...pretty sucky, but I decided not to grovel in a hole and just try to not be so annoying lol.

So for all of yesterday, I thought before I spoke. Like, literally proccessed conscious thought on what I might say, I think I was better. I know I did keep stuff in my head, cos I was ratttling on about myself again, which I suppose is a good start, cos that was one of the main points- I never shut up.

I started wondering why I talk so much, so ridiculously muchly.
I had a thought (shock horror). I think it has something to do with being insecure.
Like, at the point of insecurity where it doesn't make me zip my lip and be all shy, but it makes me talk endlessly, looking for affirmation in reply.

And everytime I don't get what I perceive to be enough of that affirmation to fill up the tank and make me happy to be who I am, the more I keep talking random shit about myself.

I'm attention seeking, basically.

I've always hated that phrase, but I guess its not a spiteful kind of attention seeking, its derived from insecurity.

I don't think I've always been like this, or maybe I've just not been aware of it.

It's an interesting place to be, at the moment I'm in a good mindset, of working on it, learning to shut up and listen at the trivial moments, not just the heart-break moments.

And I feel pretty good this morning.

I love VET. Oh my gosh, I love it.

I'm doing vetamorphus, certificate three in ministry and theology, which means I have to do bible readings every night and a journal, to fulfil the course requirements.

I'm gonna read the whole new testament! It's rather exciting.

More exciting than that though, is this:

I'm enjoying it!'

Quite honestly, reading my bible has become something of a very sleepy chore.
I would much rather stay up lying in bed talking to God then I would reading the bible, sometimes it puts me to sleep.

But we've been given massive study bibles and half the page is bible and half the page is notes and info and cool stuff. And the info is written really interestingly, more like my style.

And it makes everything more interesting, shows how its all connected and makes more of it make sense. I've been a christian since I was seven, and I've never known this stuff!

It's really really exciting and I'm so glad I'm doing it.

<3gliTter

PS He wasn't there and I didn't drown in my disappointment! This bible stuff must be working already lol. I suppose 12 weeks isnt that much longer than 11...

Friday, January 30, 2009

epic lols

This picture is going up for leisha's benefit and for everyone elses humour.





This is tim, on the vietnam trip, wearing the scarf he later gave to leisha.





:D


how do you feel about your security blanket now leish? :P:P:P

much love to you all

<3gliTter

Thursday, January 29, 2009

down by the sea, bring along your chopper

im practicing shutting up.








doing well?




<3gliTter
seethisiswhyimissyousomuch,younevermakemewanttocrawlintoaholeandcrymyselftosleep

ahmelodrama

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

i know what i want for my birthday...
this guy....
or maybe his cousin.
But I want a dancing milk carton with a face who falls in love and runs away from a hoe (lol, HOE, ah slavery, so humorous)
also, I want....
nah I dunno lol
check out his adventures :)
<3glitter


whiteboard receipts

and i find myself leaning closer and closer to the computer screen and further and further away from you and my head rages on and on and its friday on friday but its too far away.

and i dont even know why i need it so badly

why am I afraid of you?

I think im afraid of who you make me...

is she that scary?

Please don't tell me the answer...I'm afraid you'll say yes...

<3glitter
nuclear war and world hunger but when push comes to shove im afraid of the girl staring back at me in the window at maccas

lets sweat like its 1939...the last time it was this hot

nobodyeverhadadreamroundherebutidontreallymindthatitsstartingtogettome
nobodyeverpullstheseamsroundherebutidontreallymindthatitsstartingtogettome
ivegotthisenergybeneathmyfeetlikesomethingundergroundsgonnacomeupandcarryme
ivegotthissentimentalheartthatbeatsbutidontreallymindthatitsstartingtogettomenow

so why do you waste my time?
istheanswertothequestiononyourmind

so sick of all my judges, so scared of what they'll find...

but I know that I can make it as long as someonetakes me home

every now and then


haveyoueverseenthelight?


ive seen london ive seen sams town
hold my hand and let my hair down

<3glitter size="1">manireallylovethissong,shamemyheadiskillingme
nobodyeverhadadreamroundherebutidontreallymindthatitsstartingtogettome

nobodyeverpullstheseamsroundherebutidontreallymindthatitsstartingtogettome

Monday, January 26, 2009

those things are marked by what they hide

Mostly I miss the non-camp camp.
BWO.

My goodness...

I miss Nanna and teliethia and Ian and Ryan and Link and Beth and Krystn and Amber and Georgia and Kristen F and Kate and Gras and Josh and Joel and Grace and Luke and Justin and Jimmy and ....

everyone.

I miss that dynamic..

next year..

-sigh-

<3gliTter

iwannastaylikethisforeverifonlyicouldpromiseforever

iiini miiini mihni moh

To pick a camp to miss...

I don't know if I could ever pick a whole camp.

I could create an ideal one in my head, a collage of all my school camps sorta mixed and matched to fit me and my mood.

I think it would be in KI, cos it was so beautiful, but with a much longer bus ride to allow for much chilling. And we would alternate between the type of accomodation we had in flinders and the canberra rooms.

Or maybe just put a TV in the flinders room, and nicer beds and helium balloons.

Then there would be all the good social bits from all of them, a blending of each atmosphere.

Food from KI, with one exception- readily available peppermint tea and muesli bars from canberra.

I cant decide which atmosphere I liked the most...

Flinders was so electrically hyper and busy, Canberra similar and KI was so... set in stone.
Some of us were concrete set in our chillery, others in animosity.

That animosity (along with my own ridiculous maternal ness) pushed me out of my chillery a few times.

That can go into the 'parts of camps I never want to see again'

Along with unmentionable whatever number he was. Three?
I think it was three.

Yeah.

Number two... Would those moments stay or go?

Not that I would change them, but I don't know if I would enjoy revisiting, it would just be so weird.

And probably not good for my mental health...

<3gliTter

andnowiveseenyouallcry

til now I never knew how life tears you away

Otherwise could be entitled- YAY

herein lies the one satisfying element of scatterbrained-ness.

If I never lost anything I'd never have the immense joy of finding it again.

Yes, I found my keys, hurrah.

In the plastic bag full of stuff from my locker, funnily enough.
I didn't even need to ask my mum to buy pad paper, we have that coming out of our ears too.

I do however need a maths book.

I'm sincerely hoping to get a maths teacher I don't have to despise, it would be awesome.

And maybe I might have motivation to pass with a little more room to breathe.

That would be lovely, having a teacher who I'm not afraid to ask for help.

<3gliTter

yep,imakethatmuchsense

somewhere safe

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Im such a messy little scatter brain.

Damn it gets annoying.

Right at this moment, my keys are sitting somewhere safe.
Not even meant to be safe as in hidden-safe, just where I'd remember where I left them.

However, that was about 10 weeks ago now, before my big overseas trip.

I think I saw them in my old school bag the day before yesterday.

Problem is, they arent in there and I don't know if I moved them, or I dreamt that I found them there.

I do that, silly really.

I dream I've found an object I've been looking for.

And its not like my brain is trying to tell me where it is, cos its always wrong.

Thats how scatterbrained I am, my subconscious cant even remember where I left my keys...

grrrrrr

<3gliTter

what do I look like? the wizard of oz? You need a brain? You need a heart? Go ahead, take mine, take everything I have

I'm not feeling very much like people are asking me for all that I have, though I know what its like to feel that way.

I just loved that.
For those of you who havent read twilight, its a chapter name in Breaking Dawn, the last of four books.

I read all of it yesterday.
yaaaay...

In all honesty, just a book. I don't see how people can carry on so addicted to it after its all resolved and tied up nice and pretty in a happy ending.

A very soppy, too easy to get to happy ending, just by the way.

My head hurts.

mmmm ice cream

<3gliTter

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

a last hoorah

HOORAH!
There, I must now make sure that I don't type or say hoorah until tomorrow morning, when I will be sixteen.
So thats the last hoorah for fifteenage.

And tomorrow I will spend my birthday giving a teensy speech, talking to my teachers and feeding them cake, and bleeding.
Bleeding on purpose, with a needle, to save three lives. Huzzah! (not a hoorah, a huzzah, different :D)

And it's big week out, how could I be any happier anywhere else?

I actually spent a whole 5 hours not thinking about any unmentionable things!

!!!

Like, just !!!

And I don't care if I lose anymore, I probably should.

Forty six paper planes stuck in my brain, forty six stuck paper planes...

or maybe forty five now.
I think forty five.
Yay!

<3gliTter

you are my strength

You are my strength, strength like no other, reaching to me.

You are my hope, hope like no other, reaching to me.

Your love Oh Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Hope like no other.


I have been bouncing around shoving my heart onto whoever might maybe take it.
How dumb is that?
How incredibly stupid is that when I have the god of all creation who knows me better than anybody, loves me better than anybody ever could.

How stupid is it that I'd rather have a guy who probably doesn't even want me that way!

Why am I so dumb?

I have something perfect that I could never ever deserve...maybe I want something I could justify, something easy to accept...

I really am silly...

<3gliTter

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

don't

don't cut out your ears, you won't be able to hear me say I love you
don't cut out your eyes, you won't be able to blog, or read your hugs from me
don't cut out your tongue... that would be gross :P

I don't know if it is all that much strain on our friendship, in all honesty.
I know it strains us individually, but neither of us have honestly ever believed it was the others fault, I know I've never been angry with you about this not-very-merry-go-round.

Never ever, even unmentionable number two, and that really hurt.
I still wasn't angry with you.

I think we get stronger as the two of us by being broken individuals. We are good at listening to the other bitch and whine and cry and etc etc.

don't think of yourself as an instrument in my pain.
If you are, everyone is.

And I am their conductor.

You can put your heart in a box and give it to me if you like, I'll guard it with all I have forever and ever, never letting it go.

But not so that you wont use it to hurt me, but because I never want to let go of you.

and I am past him, just not past those days...
I'm still quite embarrassed about it really, I behaved shockingly...

and im not planting false fearhope on purpose :P

<3gliTter
ilookforwardtoamonthstime,idamnwellhopeyourright

spoilers

I often will get to a point in a story, usually the climax; when I know how the book will end, its just a matter of how they will get there, how many people will day, how many scars you will leave with...

I know how this will end.
I know that right now, so do you I think.

And I don't blame you for hoping it so hard.
Not at all.

I hope you can believe that, please believe that, its true...

I know who's going to win this unofficial fight.

So do you.
Don't deny it to keep me in one piece, no point.
I already feel like I'm in bits and I don't really know why.

iknowwho'sgoingtowinitsjustaquestionofhowmuchitwillhurtmetogetthereandsurviveit

the sweetest downfall...

bittersweet, mostly bitter...
but not bitter angry at you...angry at me...

I don't even know who im bitter with anymore, I'd rather not be at all...

<3glitTer

Here I go round the not-so-merry-go-round...again

So here I am again.
Back to liking a guy I liked for a little while in year 8!! Full circle?
Oh I certainly hope not, I don't plan to be repeating unmentionable mistakes, thats for certain...

And here we are again, you and I.
We like the same guy, or we maybe like the same guy. But you beat me to spitting it out, so does that mean you beat me to him? Again?

Its so silly, that I can line up circumstances where this has happened, none of them your fault.
Like unmentionable number two. You stole him from me.
Saying it that way is awful...oops.

It was not your fault, not in any way.

No-one made him choose, he created the choice for himself and chose you over me.
Ouch.

Then unmentionable number three, we both liked him, everyone knew, he liked you.
You went out, it got painful, I tried to help you hold the bits together.

Now here we are, and you don't even know.
But by the time you're reading this you will.

Cos its a bit duh.
Ok, a lot duh.

Oh well.

She won't tell me whats going on. I think its just that we are getting a little cliquey and she feels shut out... But she mentioned something teeny tiny weeny and TOTALLY insignificant and irrelevant about him. That he wouldn't care what I told him unless he liked me.

Oh dear she should not have said that...

its planted that type of paranoia that is more like wishful thinking...

just the teensiest little seed of a possibility I had not considered...

oh dear...

round and round the not-very-merry-go-round...

yet again

<3gliTter

sometimesiwishiwasthetypetosufferinsilencebuticanthelpbutscreaminmysleep

Monday, January 19, 2009

its started again

Lol.
usually when I title something that, its bad.
For once it is a good thing!

And there was much rejoicing -yaaaaay-
lol, fortunately I have not been forced to eat any minstrels, but it is Big Week Out, you never know what could happen!

Actually, musician eating would be very very unfortuante, seeing as I am one :S
So yeah, spent today (midday onwards) at music practice and then 'sitting in' (eavesdropping :P) on the leaders meeting, cutting up fabric for headbands for games, carrying a couch and grocery shopping.

Basically, I had no way of getting home after practice, so I just chilled at marion church of christ (the base for big week out).

Which, by the way is this 'heaps good' (lol, injokes already) volunteer community service thing that runs for a week, with four bases around the city of adelaide, a christian youth thing.
Utter fantastic heaps-goodness, beautiful people and we get to be out in the community and show people that not all teenagers 'scare the living shit out of me' lol.

I hate mychem, why did I do that?

Its great and this year I get to be on the music team, hurrah!

And already there are injokes, like jeremiah and hats of shame and baldy. And of course open circle and say gday, in fast forward, half speed and also backwards. hehe.

And of course MC luvburger.
:D

Can't wait til tomorrow :D :D :D :D

<3gliTter

Sunday, January 18, 2009

he cuts in with a harmony the voice of his own worst enemy

i miss you so much.
like, so so so so bad.
Ive tried to see you again and again and again, but youve been away enjoying greener pastures and I am left here wondering why you dont pick up the phone and getting silly with paranoia that maybe you dont want to see me.

Now you do, now your getting off your arse to organise something and I'll be stuck roughing it in the coorong, bored stiff, missing you some more and wishing i was at your place swimming instead of getting sunburnt doing nothing.

and i keep thinking stupid things like 'i guess i wont see him til the first day of school'.
And thats exactly the point.
I wont see you until then, or then, or even close after then.
Because your bad study habits tore you away from me and I couldnt stop them.

I'm going to cry. I know I am. At school.
I never ever cry at school...
cos I always have to bottle it back up again to go to class and I hate doing that, its much more worserer than just letting it pour itself out...

I feel like I've failed you.
People keep telling me that that's silly, that I'm a great friend for you, that I do you good.
Fine.
Its obviously not been enough.

I would have done almost anything, you know that?
Almost anything to keep you there with me.
Where I could look after you some more, and you me.

I feel like I was supposed to help you pull your finger out and stop spiralling.

Therefore, I feel that I have failed...
again

just tell me you miss me ok?
and mean it, if its not too much to ask...

<3gliTter

someday, when we are wiser...

hello small ones.
'sup.
Firstly, let me point out that I just worked 11pm to 6:15am and it was CRAZY BUSY and i havent been able to sleep because my mind is still going a squillion miles an hour so im likely to use very long sentences and not make much sense.
Exhibit A ^

Secondly,
me and my big fat mouth.

Now, I know that a certain somebody, or maybe two people, will read this and tell me I'm silly and being unecessarily hard on myself.
Possibly, probably, yeah ok, yes.
Don't care.

If I hadn't opened my big fat mouth two years ago and spat out that stupid theory, then maybe things today would be different.
I don't think they'd be totally different, but maybe it would hurt a little less for those key people involved in this shamozzle. Maybe it would only be 18 months, or only a year...instead of 20. Maybe if I'd just shut up and kept my silly little matchmaking impulses inside my deranged little mind where they belong then this could all hurt a little less.

Maybe if I hadn't pushed you to step out and...well step out and be happy.
Maybe then you wouldn't be so unhappy now.

I have just realised that this is getting steadily sillier cos I was about to say
'maybe if i was horrible and vindictive I could have spread rumors and told you each that the otehr hated your guts and was leading you on or something...or.... other'

that really is dumb.

But I pushed myself into this situation far too much I think, made myself much too much of the middle man and the match maker and now...

Now I need so desperately to be able to believe that I can be helpful, and helpful enough.
That I'll remember to pray enough, give a hug at the right time, shut up and let it be quiet at the right time, talk random distracting stuff at the right time...

I have to be able to believe that this will all be ok and maybe I've made up for being so damn silly all those months ago...

I think that if I properly doubt that I've been helpful enough, I will implode with insane worry.
Little teensy bits of encouragement keep my in my usual number of pieces though.
Like mum, she said when you'd all gone 'your so good to your friends'. I dont know if she will ever know how relieving it was to hear that.

I so badly wish you were all still here so I could supervise and make coffee and give hugs and tidy up after you and look after you and satisfy this ridiculous urge to mother you all. Or, big-sisterize you all.
Whatever.

I think I've rambled about this enough now...

<3glitter

Friday, January 16, 2009

if only i could promise forever

I wanna call your name, forever
And you will always answer, forever
And both of us will be
Forever you and me
Forever and ever

I wanna stay like this, forever
If only I could promise, forever
hen we could just be we
Forever you and me
Forever and ever

Forever and ever
Is a very long time Pooh
Forever isn't long at all, Christopher
When I'm with you

I wanna be with you, forever
I want you right here beside me, forever
One thing you should knowNo matter where I go
We'll always be together
Forever and ever

if only I could promise forever...how true.

I'm out here in the dark
All alone and wide awake
Come and find me
I'm empty and I'm cold
And my heart's about to break
Come and find me
I need you to come here and find me
'Cos without you I'm totally lost
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn't done much good so far
I can only dream of you
Wherever you are

I'll hear you laugh
I'll see you smile
I'll be with you
Just for a while

But when the morning comes
And the sun begins to rise
I will lose you
Because it's just a dream
When I open up my eyes
I will lose you
I used to believe in forever
But forever's too good to be true
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn't done much good so far
I don't know what else to do
Except to try to dream of you
And wonder if you are dreaming too
Wherever you are


-sigh-
childrens movies shouldnt be so ridiculously depressing...
so here we are, ADD1 and its uhh...
worrying I suppose.
Its very odd to be comforting one while the other is like 2 metres away...
very very odd
and then the third one needs some too.
Im more than happy to give it but its just so...
it makes me stare at people at frown at them, just slightly.

Just enough to make them wonder why the hell im looking at them so much and so weirdly...

I dunno, but its my worried face i suppose, not panic worry, concern worry.
I have that coming out of my ears, now its tainted with panic i think...
as they sit together a little too closely and now theyve gone outside to talk and
THIS CANNOT BE A GOOD IDEA
but i hav to trust her, that she knows why she cant and what will happen if she does...to both of them
oh dear

<3gliTter

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Make me believe again that this is the life for me

I have a something for Kate song in my head. "my tired eyes come crashing down, down to fall, fall at our feet, fall at our feet again, setting us free, setting us free and then, make us believe, make us believe again, that this is the life for you and me"

surely not.
Surely this isnt it...

We must have missed the mark.
It feels wrong to have to have days like today, unkind, unfair, unyielding days of endless comforting and talking and maybe crying and hugging and I'm not even gonna cop the worst of what will be dished out today.

We are all lying to one another!
Well, lying to one particular person.

And now I'm getting pissed off at someone else. Well, a little. Mostly at me and at humans and at the world because WE DO SUCH STUPID THINGS THAT FEEL SO WONDERFUL AND END SO TERRIBLY TERRIBLY BADLY.

There.
I said it.
people suck, mistakes suck.

THIS SUCKS
<3gliTter

Monday, January 12, 2009

never thought I'd ever say this

I never thought I would ever say this
Yay!! Its monday!!! Hurrah!
Normally I hate mondays, because I have to put up with every single teacher I have, and its such a busy day for me, I usually don't get home until 5:15 from choir, which is gay.
I don't mind choir, but I don't like spending the whole day knowing I won't get home until five.
Thats gay.
Not like gay gay, like stupid gay!
But at least I never have to work on monday nights.
Anyway, I like this monday because I'm going to colonnades.
Which also sounds like a weird reason to be happy lol.
I am going to colonnades with hammy and leish and we will see madagascar two! yay!
It is very exciting, and I shall also possibly catch up with other people who might be around.
Also yay!
<3gliTter

Saturday, January 10, 2009

mumseh...

I love my mum.
Just something random.
She's so silly and very embarassing, but I love that she's un-embarassable, so I can tell people the hideously funny things she says and she doesnt give a damn.
I love that.
For example, she thinks my friend should adopt reginald as his middle name, just in case it didnt sound english enough already.
She says silly things some times and at the time it makes the blood drain down to and I swear out of my feet, but she never bats an eyelash and in truth they're really really funny, she is always good for a laugh.
The other funny thing is the fact that she picks on her older sister for being a worry wart like their mother, but she is just as bad.
And unfortunately the female family trait has made its way down to me, and now I do the gaspy thing too.
Of course it doesnt help that I nearly drop things every 6.93 seconds...
<3gliTter

------edit-------
also, she doesnt care that I like to sit on the shed roof and have my room a mess or that I'm generally a freak. I guess I'm freaky in the same way she is.
We are very alike but lately everytime I say something about me being the same as her, or about how alike we are, she says 'nah, you are yourself, your own person'. I think shes ashamed to be my mum lol ;) jk

confessions of a hug-slut

I need a new hug monkey for the '09 school year.
I still have my favourite two i<3monkeyanddilly
But neither are at my school and now the substitute hug monkey is going as well.
Here are the criteria.
1. Boy
2. Taller than me
3. Able to stand still for sustained amounts of time (stretch fails)
4. A good hugger...duh

If you think you fit, please apply :D

Lol, as monkey used to say, 'i need my fix'.
Damn right I do!


WHERES MY HUG!!!
lol.
<3gliTter

shocked and slightly embarassed (at the sight of larry in a towel)

ifeellikeramblingawayinveryverysmallfontwithnospacesfornoreason.
sohereiam
-ramble-
vegietalesmakesmelol
ohbarbaramanateeeeeee
you are the one for me
ill take you too the ball
i hope youre not too tall(we might have trouble dancing)
i have realised something.

its incredibly difficult to try and convince someone of something that you know is true but have trouble believing yourself.

Saying 'just trust' 'just have faith'. I suppose I do know in my heart that it will work, I also know I'm not very good at it myself.

I have an instruction manual of sorts, and I think I figure things out pretty well. I can never find the right switches and buttons though...

what day is it??
I think its saturday but it doesnt feel like saturday.
Been camping for a week, havent been to church since i got home and so sundays dont feel like sundays and weeks dont feel like they end or begin.

Its like how school weeks meld together, but more uhh...more-er-er.

lol.

I'm screwed, going a year without practising my writing skills and then jumping into english studies? I cant even think of words now!
oh well...

<3gliTter

a beautiful song i didnt know i had

Its called the cure for pain by jon foreman, he's the lead guy from switchfoot.

I'm not sure why it always goes downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky

And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do
It would be a lie to run away

So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either riders or fools behind the reigns

I've spent ten years trying to sing it all away
But the water keeps on falling from my tries
And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do
It would be a lie to run away
A lie to run, it would be a lie
It would be a lie to run away

It keeps on falling (x4)
Water keeps on falling from my eyes
And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do
It would be a lie to run away
It would be a lie to run away
It would be a lie to run away


When I first heard this, I heard 'broken sisters' instead of 'broken cisterns'.
I like it my way lol.

<3gliTter

Friday, January 9, 2009

a journal from 28/12/08

It's strange.
That so much I write is full of those words.
You are a hard person to care about.
Actually, loving you to start with is annoyingly easy, as is over idolising you.
Being with you and thinking of you makes me into this crazy washing machjine of versions of myself.
I feel five and twenty five all at once.
The five year old who is swayed by your actions and opinions on everything all the way down to whether or not I would like a coffee. It is as though you are the very embodiment of clique, of cool. I know you are probably not what modern society would call cool, but I have never agreed with society, perhaps as a rule. Perhaps there lies the basis of your appeal, you are different but you still have friends.
You think things, do things, believe things.....drink too much.
And therin lies the twenty five year old in me. The love and adoration of the five in me produces this uncanny need to hold you close and protect you from further pain, heal that which has already been inflicted upon your beautiful shining soul.

You make me so angry.
At you, they world, myself.
The world for hurting you, you for thinking too lowly of yourself and I too highly.
I know not the existence of middle ground. Or how to get there if it is indeed a tangible place.
I get so angry at myself for wanting to follow you around like a lost puppy and still protect you.

I dont make any sense.
Even as I write that, I doubt it. I think maybe Im scared to make sense, to be understood.
If Im not a mystery then Im hardly interesting now am I.
Maybe I feel as though I am less important if I am understood, less me.
Im so indy pop. Longing to be mysterious, alternative, indy cool, but still socially accepted, still popular.
Different enough to stand out and be noteworthy, but not so radical that I repulse the common folk, non conformist but easy on adoring eyes.

Love on my terms.

Im not important, not really. Not at the level I place myself.
Funny that I can write that, but my heart, mind, soul do not really acknowledge it.

I am selfish
judgemental
rude
false

I am not clean
kind
altruistic
honest or
of any real importance in the big picture

I fear that scarecrow has given up searching for his brain, lion has found just enough courage-substitute to get by and the tinman has his paper heart.

Dorothy however, finds no such temporary satisfaction only more questions in both Kansa and Oz.

She must find a Toto to help her keep believing that she will find a wizard and not a man behind a curtain...

And she must search for him and for herself, for a long and hard while yet, with only a promise to hold to.

Truly, that should be enough, but when all her friends have shiny new hearts and brains and courages, it is harder than ever when they say 'so what did you get for christmas?'
'...I got a baby born to a virgin and destined to die, 2000 years ago, I've never seen his face. Felt his touch and heard his voice though.'
'That could have been anyone! Buddha, Allah, Vishnu, or even Zeus!'
'But...I think it was jesus'
'But what reliability is mortal musings?'
Then Dorothy has no answer, naught at all but doubt.
So why then does she not carry on alone?
Could she leave them?
Could she bear to have naught but the company of a wizard she cannot see?
Ah slippery promises...

All I know for sure is this

I don't belong here,
no I dont belong here
Ill carry my cross and sing where I dont belong
Easy living, easy dying
Come on and let me down
'Cos I dont belong here

<3gliTter
I got nothing.

I feel so.....

dry
lonely
stagnant
hollow
cynical
fake
stupid
empty
lost
infomercial soaked

traitor to my faith and to my family.

my church family and my blood family.

because everytime my parents say 'is that really the christian thing to say?' I dont think to myself 'gosh id better step up and be better' I think 'wake up from your little churchy bubble and smell the coffee, this is the real world darling.'

Christian group makes me like that, every answer they give in a debate just feels so awfully sunday school textbook 'jesusbibleprayer' answer to life and lifes difficulties.

I want to scream at them. I really do.
I remember times when I knew what was right but it hurt like hell and I want to scream at them that its not that simple, its not that black and white.

Life is not the bible sugar.

thats what I want to yell at them.

And...I know that the bible is gods word, and I know it is relevant to now (no matter what people say, its relevant to human souls and i happen to have one, despite the fact that its in terrible shape, its there) and I know I wouldnt mean it if I yelled that, but thats what I feel like.

I'm incredibly cyncial, and i piss myself off with it.
A lot.

I want to be how i was when I was little.

People tell me I had amazing faith when I was small.
I used to dance in the aisles at church for no reason and mum tells me it was actually worship, not just a little girl being dumb.

I became a christain when I was 7 and promptly told everyone i knew.
It was so real then...

A simple, beautiful, romantic story.

man has child
man loves child
child claims independence
man loves child too much to deny it
child falls flat on face
runs from man
man chases child
sending them paper planes saying
'i love you more than you can know, come home and ill show you, please, i miss you'
child screws up paper planes and uses them to wrap fish
one paper plane sticks in childs skull
gets read
child understands error of ways
returns to man
both are very happy
both live in loving flawless relationship forever


unfortunately im still wrapping fish

well, i think i went home
but i got bored with being content
and went independent again, telling myself i wouldnt stuff it up this time
now im back to wrapping fish

i guess if you are lucky
people around you who start throwing paper planes as well
or maybe rocks, people arent as skilled and tactful as god
which maybe is why i get angry when people tell me what i know is right
because they just threw a rock at my head


lol, i just totally plagerised the bible, prodigal son with paper planes much.


forty six to go...
or is it forty seven?
I dunno if this one really counts...

<3gliTter