Well I'm surprised at myself.
In a good way, I think.
I managed to take some pretty heavy...well I guess you'd call them warnings, constructive criticism i suppose, about the way I act.
It was well...pretty sucky, but I decided not to grovel in a hole and just try to not be so annoying lol.
So for all of yesterday, I thought before I spoke. Like, literally proccessed conscious thought on what I might say, I think I was better. I know I did keep stuff in my head, cos I was ratttling on about myself again, which I suppose is a good start, cos that was one of the main points- I never shut up.
I started wondering why I talk so much, so ridiculously muchly.
I had a thought (shock horror). I think it has something to do with being insecure.
Like, at the point of insecurity where it doesn't make me zip my lip and be all shy, but it makes me talk endlessly, looking for affirmation in reply.
And everytime I don't get what I perceive to be enough of that affirmation to fill up the tank and make me happy to be who I am, the more I keep talking random shit about myself.
I'm attention seeking, basically.
I've always hated that phrase, but I guess its not a spiteful kind of attention seeking, its derived from insecurity.
I don't think I've always been like this, or maybe I've just not been aware of it.
It's an interesting place to be, at the moment I'm in a good mindset, of working on it, learning to shut up and listen at the trivial moments, not just the heart-break moments.
And I feel pretty good this morning.
I love VET. Oh my gosh, I love it.
I'm doing vetamorphus, certificate three in ministry and theology, which means I have to do bible readings every night and a journal, to fulfil the course requirements.
I'm gonna read the whole new testament! It's rather exciting.
More exciting than that though, is this:
I'm enjoying it!'
Quite honestly, reading my bible has become something of a very sleepy chore.
I would much rather stay up lying in bed talking to God then I would reading the bible, sometimes it puts me to sleep.
But we've been given massive study bibles and half the page is bible and half the page is notes and info and cool stuff. And the info is written really interestingly, more like my style.
And it makes everything more interesting, shows how its all connected and makes more of it make sense. I've been a christian since I was seven, and I've never known this stuff!
It's really really exciting and I'm so glad I'm doing it.
PS He wasn't there and I didn't drown in my disappointment! This bible stuff must be working already lol. I suppose 12 weeks isnt that much longer than 11...
The Shade In The Night
2 days ago