I got nothing.

I feel so.....

dry
lonely
stagnant
hollow
cynical
fake
stupid
empty
lost
infomercial soaked

traitor to my faith and to my family.

my church family and my blood family.

because everytime my parents say 'is that really the christian thing to say?' I dont think to myself 'gosh id better step up and be better' I think 'wake up from your little churchy bubble and smell the coffee, this is the real world darling.'

Christian group makes me like that, every answer they give in a debate just feels so awfully sunday school textbook 'jesusbibleprayer' answer to life and lifes difficulties.

I want to scream at them. I really do.
I remember times when I knew what was right but it hurt like hell and I want to scream at them that its not that simple, its not that black and white.

Life is not the bible sugar.

thats what I want to yell at them.

And...I know that the bible is gods word, and I know it is relevant to now (no matter what people say, its relevant to human souls and i happen to have one, despite the fact that its in terrible shape, its there) and I know I wouldnt mean it if I yelled that, but thats what I feel like.

I'm incredibly cyncial, and i piss myself off with it.
A lot.

I want to be how i was when I was little.

People tell me I had amazing faith when I was small.
I used to dance in the aisles at church for no reason and mum tells me it was actually worship, not just a little girl being dumb.

I became a christain when I was 7 and promptly told everyone i knew.
It was so real then...

A simple, beautiful, romantic story.

man has child
man loves child
child claims independence
man loves child too much to deny it
child falls flat on face
runs from man
man chases child
sending them paper planes saying
'i love you more than you can know, come home and ill show you, please, i miss you'
child screws up paper planes and uses them to wrap fish
one paper plane sticks in childs skull
gets read
child understands error of ways
returns to man
both are very happy
both live in loving flawless relationship forever


unfortunately im still wrapping fish

well, i think i went home
but i got bored with being content
and went independent again, telling myself i wouldnt stuff it up this time
now im back to wrapping fish

i guess if you are lucky
people around you who start throwing paper planes as well
or maybe rocks, people arent as skilled and tactful as god
which maybe is why i get angry when people tell me what i know is right
because they just threw a rock at my head


lol, i just totally plagerised the bible, prodigal son with paper planes much.


forty six to go...
or is it forty seven?
I dunno if this one really counts...

<3gliTter