Thursday, April 29, 2010

Unending love, amazing grace

If God wasn't the creator of the universe and everything, all-knowing and whatnot, I am certain I would confuse him very much.

Because although he has taken the punishment for every single wrong thing I have ever done, am doing and ever will do, I insist on feeling guilty and punishing myself anyway.

He has set me free, removed my chains.

And I insist upon putting them back on again. Wearing my mistakes like some sort of sick masochistic jewelry.

If God wasn't so smart, I'm sure he'd be confused.

I mean, my troubles aren't even pretty!
They aren't even sparkly or beautiful in that Romeo-and-Juliet way that sometimes happens.
I procrastinate, I get tired, I get over-emotional.
The end.



sowhydoikeepdoingthis?

we should get jersey's cos we're such a great team

but yours would look better than mine, cos you're out of my league :)

I would just like to take this moment to say: LEISHA IS FREAKING AWESOME!!!

This is all.

I'll send you all my promises across the sea

Dear Future Husband, whoever and wherever you may be.

I must warn you of some things. I feel that if you are going to spend a large proportion of your life putting up with them, you should be given a lot of time to get used to them, conceptually at least.

1. I have a slightly expensive habbit/love/addiction of tea in all its many flavours and infusions. Start saving now. And tasting too.

2. I have an unhealthy affection for flash games. Not sure what is to be done about this... any ideas?

3. I often make a cup of tea and leave it on the bench, satisfied with only the proccess, to remember it and want to drink it half an hour later. Tea is not the same post-microwave.

4. I am full of pointless pipe dreams and hypothetical scenarios. I should write more and fantasize less.

5. I am nearly unbearably messy, disorganised, forgetful and un-punctual. I have very limited regard for order, both of objects (excluding books, CDs DVDs and the presentation of art) and of the ever ticking minutes. If I am meant to be somewhere, chances are I may have begun getting ready. Unless it is more than fifteen minutes away, in which case I will still be asleep. Please buy a very loud alarm clock and endeavour to become naturally organised. You couldn't possibly be worse than me, and if you are, prepare for one hell of a rollercoaster of missed deadlines, lost details and 'sorry-we're-late's.

6. And this is the big one, pretty much a summary.
I am a hurricane. With a multicoloured, multitextured wake of sheet music, clothing, shoes and scraps of paper both life shattering and menial, I am a hurricane. Physically destructive and disorderly, and emotional explosive. Extreme. If I am happy, I'll bubble over. If I'm angry, give me something to break that is of no consequence and run, or give me something to scream at. If I'm sad, let me cry on you and hold me very tightly. If I'm content, it will be tangible, but mostly I must warn you about the effect stress has on me. I carry a lot of tension in my lower back and in my feet. I will whinge about this, sorry in advance. These will sometimes cramp up. I will whinge about this, sorry in advance. I become hugely snappy, and I swear a lot. Consider earplugs.


Oh, and a small practical sidenote. We should buy all our crockery and glassware cheap from opshops. Like I said, I'm a hurricane.

Sorry in advance, for all of me.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I have gone astray...

I feel like everything in life needs more from me.

I need to do more study, more relaxing, more sleeping, more excercise, more praying, more bible reading, more seeking, more loving, more listening, more organising, more practice, more reading, more noting, more drafting more more more more more.

But what if there is no more?
No more time left to give, no more energy.

What if there is no more of me left in the tank, and its only term two!


♫right in this moment, this orders tall♫

The thing is, I know there is.
I know that there is always more of Gods strength, always more TV to not watch, but...

I think it comes down to the fact that i am selfish with myself.
I want to have part of me just for me.
My little slice of control, my claim on myself.
I don't want to be totally sold out, to anything.

Not to school, not to my friends or my family.
Certainly not to my God.
Because that would be risky wouldn't it, risky and scary and would take effort.

Something you should know about me if you haven't already noticed:
I'm pretty much inherently lazy.
Thats why my room is tidy, thats why I procrastinate, thats probably why I'm fat. (and please don't launch into telling me I'm not to, I'm in the slow process of getting less fat so my self esteem is fine [: )

So do I have a conclusion to this rant? (blah, essay structure in the brain)
No.
Well yes, but one that
SH
O
EPO
L
I


SH

(take that structure)

I doubt I will actually do, at least not to the extent that it needs doing.
But I need to try...
Or I will just have to get used to this feeling of 'steady digging into the earth' (ARGH)
and learn to enjoy this lovely little hole/grave/tunnel to nowhere I have dug myself.


Oh, and here's a poem I wrote. Read all the lines left to right first, as you would normally. Then go top to bottom with only the words on the left side of the indent. make sense? I hope so :)


LORD      I will not stop my search
Test away      Father, in your strength
I will       prove my choice to
follow you,      wherever you will
lead me.
Whichever       corner of this dear globe
you point        me to
toward          it I will march
I will          obey you, dearest LORD
go           before me and with me
I          will go
willl      love, will
live        with you,
for         you, in
you


I hope you like it, or at least can read it lol.


Sunday, April 18, 2010

It's so like me to never see

This is a part of a draft essay of mine sent to one hilarious young girl/woman/creature from the black lagoon.
It made me laugh, while editting an essay.
Super dooper props...
The smaller writing is her comment, the larger my essay. don't you go plaigerisin' my modern history now!

A considerable
Use of ‘considerable’ twice in as many sentences. Perhaps replace with ‘substansial’ or ‘significant’
percentage of the male population either volunteered or were sent off to war, leaving the industries at home bereft of employees and turning to who was left,
Try using a dash instead of a comma – implies importance of “the women” (irony in this sentence absolutely intended).
the women.
 


Friday, April 9, 2010

You are the strength that keeps me walking...

I can imagine your wedding.
It's beautiful, so don't be worried about the details.
Perhaps it is raining outside, or it is too hot, or the cake has been squished, or your Aunt Beatrice has been sniveling all day.

But it doesn't matter.
You stand there, fidgeting and bouncing and pacing. Not because you are unsure about your decision or because your feet are chilled but simply because you cannot wait to see her. Fairly literally.
I can feel the nervous excitement pouring out of you from metres away and so, obviously I go to you. Your best biological sister and I (best un-biological sister, queen of my own category :D) make you stand still. I hold you by your shoulders and look into your eyes and make you repeat after me that 'she'll be here soon, and it will be perfect and the waiting will be over soon'. And perhaps the energy flow slows a little, but not very much.

Someone nods at someone and they gesture to somebody else, who hands you your guitar and whispers 'go!' 
Somehow you quell your shaking hands and begin to play, to play and sing the song straight from your heart to hers, as she waits in the wings, desperate to be with you. And you sing, bridesmaids first, and they are all lovely but you don't notice.

Then, suddenly, there she is.
Radiant.
Purely radiant, and so are you.

A bit lip turns into the widest smile I have ever seen and the closer she gets, the more content the two of you seem.

The pastor says a bit, and then it is my turn, to read a bible verse that the two of you chose.
It is an incredibly beautiful sight and an unbelievable privilege just to have a part in this, and I am overwhelmed. I start to cry as I finish, unashamed of running eye makeup because this is simply too beautiful for anything but tears.

You recite the vows that you yourselves have written, exchange rings with a shiver of excitement and then kiss as though the world was ending, but forever was starting, as though stars were falling all around you and being born out of the rich, dark earth as you stand in the twilight as one.




I can see your wedding.

And I can see it and genuinely be happy about it. There is no part of me left that would change that, no part of me that wants that, none of that left in my heart. All of that misdirected affection has been re-channeled to God and then back to you, so that now I can call you brother and not wish to ever have anymore than that.

This is incredible, and earth tiltingly beautiful.
Even more so, is the fact that I can see your wedding and see myself single at your wedding, and this doesn't matter either.

You are more beautiful than anyone ever, every day you're the same, you never change, no never. You're all I need forever, because there is no one like you. How could you be so good?


Thursday, April 8, 2010

I saw the future out the window of a plane...

So, I've done it again, a little bit.
But its different this time, so different.
Because it is rather small and I have not let myself get carried away.
I have... focussed, on the future. Like I said to hamster, I can't see it, necessarily, but I can feel it.

I can see that there is a season for everything within it. A time for all of my different god given gifts to be used, a time to be wise and a time to be loud, a time to be behind the scenes and a time to be on stage. A time for here and a time for there, wherever there is. A time for just me, and a time for maybe a family...

So that is why I am not freaking out about it.
Because with Jesus, when nothing else matters, everything else that matters is fulfilled.

My future decided


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

It is well with my soul...

What is this love given to us
That saved my life through selfless sacrifice
Although we fail the cross prevails
Forgiveness stands
You take me back again

You’ve shown me life
You’ve opened my eyes
So I give You my praise
Yeah I give You my all

Salvation’s strong in Christ alone
The Saviour King alone in victory
I step aside give You my life
For You to move do what You want to do

I can’t imagine a life without You
‘Cause it’s all for You God







You hold the future in your hands
You know my dreams and you have a plan
And as you light my way, I'll follow you

My soul secure in all you've done
My minds made up
And you are the only one for me

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours

You hold the earth in your command
You are the rock on which I stand
And as I live each day, I'll follow you

Unafraid, Unashamed Lord we know who we are
We are your people and we won't be silent
Unified hear us cry at the top of our lungs
You our God and we will not be shaken



Easter camp was incredible
My life is no longer under my own silly control
I am new
I am known

God is.