Thursday, September 30, 2010

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Time was never money.

So today I am in a brilliant mood, so I thought I would liven up this poor little 'ohemgeeschoolsucksifeellikeiamdyingandmybrainisfallingawaylikewetcake' blog thing and get some happy up in here!

Today is just....good.

I had a nice chat with the bakers delight girl about buses, and city, and state library, classics, year twelve and school. Dropped my resume off at the fine foods cafe and grabbed an amazing mocha, then dropped my car off at the ultra tune, where the man was lovely, great service, and he even opened the door for me when I was drowning in laptop, handbag, books and coffee.

I love public transport. This might seem weird, but when it works, and especially when I get amazing bus drivers like I did today. Funny man with an english accent, commented with joking jealousy about my coffee and I said 'yeah haha, what I haven't spilt on myself...' he replied 'spilt! surely not! I mean its one thing to love it, and maybe bath in it, but spill it?'. He also was a great driver and we were spot on time.

All of these people, two of my best friends who are sitting across from me, the tie around my neck and waistcoat on my shoulders and the lovely stack of helpful apartheid related books beside me have made my day, and it's not even half through.

And to top it all off, I think I just met my soul mate lol. Young girl just walked past in the library, heading towards the newspapers wearing a short-ish black skirt, cute floralish shirt thing, gorgeous tweed jacket, shiny black shoes that were like flats with platforms and the most amazing tights I've ever seen. White one leg, black the other, Cruella de vil would die of jealousy and suffice to say, I must have her. Or, you know, her clothes.

So basically, I am very thankful for the little blessings in the form of smiles and switchfoot, dancing and singing in public because today, I truly cannot help myself.

God is good.
Hope is never-failing.
Faith is mine.
Grace is free.
Love is real.
Hope is strong.

Monday, September 20, 2010

It always comes back to you...

So I wrote this a few days ago when I was in the middle of rapidly swapping between tailspin and frozen with fear and I want you to know that I am slightly more ok now, have picked myself up and kept going. Still lots of conquering to do, but at least for now I know I can do it, which is a big deal for me at the moment. But no worrying, ok? And to those of you who've helped me start this conquering, giving me ideas for special studies and such things, I owe you one, I don't know what I would have done without you. Ok, I do, I would have frozen up, driven away, and never come back. So thanks <3





Solid, violent in its stubborn refusal to budge any further, the wall is cool against my forehead as I rest for these moments. I know each will cost me later, as I watch those next to me carrying on with such ease, I just can't do it anymore.

The past months and weeks I have slammed myself against it, for each scar, tear, each drop of blood, sweat and anxiety has chiselled away another piece. 

I have fallen to doubt, illness, exhaustion. Sometimes others have helped me up, but most of these falls are unseen, and all down to me. 

The wall is left, now, with nine giant stones, all but two of the smaller pieces are gone. I know that the foundation stones are designed to be chiselled away in pieces, but I don't know how to approach them and no-one can tell me. 

So I stand here, hands and forehead leaning on it, wishing to to just fall and be over, but I know it will take much more than this. 

I know I am close, I can see the light through the cracks that I paid for with little pieces of myself. I have become currency, only a sum of energy, time, will and words. Parts of my life, heart, mind, soul, have been traded for these things and as I stare at what remains to be conquered, I don't know that I've got that much left. 

Like a child or a desperate man pulling their empty pockets inside out I pick and pull at myself. Nope, not that much left...

I know that I need to reach deeper and find something to trade, to burn and consume in a last desperate push at this wall. Nine desperate pushes, which maybe I can afford, but not with any left spare...
No more backup, no more buffer, 

crunch time.

and always, the two questions hovering over me...

What if I genuinely can't pick myself up again?

What's it even for, if I do make it, what's on the other side? 
What then?

Thursday, September 16, 2010

the same mistakes again...

I cannot tell you how angry I am with you right now.
Due to the fact that I am avoiding my drama homework like a pro, I have been facebook stalking, and your profile and pictures within just happened to fall prey to my boredom.

I know what it feels like to be replaced, and he was better about it than you are. At least pretend to care, even tinman could do that much, at least for a while.

Maybe the two of you are just too alike, but the thing is, he's moved on from it, and you two were much, much more serious than we ever were.

So you broke his heart. You'd begun replacing him before you even did the breaking, so the swap, for you at least, seems to have gone pretty smoothly. Congrats on that.

You shattered my best friend and I felt sorry for you, sympathetic, said I'd look after him for you.

I cannot tell you how angry I am with you right now.

I tried to tell myself I was just being an over-protective friend and that it wasn't your fault, situations, life happens, blah blah blah. No more.

He loves you. Even now, right this second, I'd bet anything he'd take you back.
He would do anything to make it work.

And you?

You broke his heart, happy?

Of course you are, and thats the problem.


How dare you.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

This is not what I planned at all...

So I'm getting that feeling again. The feeling that I will lose to her again, have to swallow my stupid pride again, try to be graceful, pull in the acting skills and smile and congratulate her. Remind myself over and over again how much I love her, that it is a great thing that I know somebody like her, that I'm blessed to call her a close friend. To shut up that ridiculous bitter part of me who will watch her make her speech and say 'it should have been me.' I bet she'll get the subject award I'm after too, and the same again. I will poison valedictory for myself cos I am too damn proud.

I'm sure you guys who read this already know this about me, but I have to be good at things, and I am essentially an attention seeker. I won't deny I love a spotlight. It is a thing that I have made a part of myself, succeeding. Writing, music, drama, public speaking. The writing was never my top thing, so it is OK with me now that I must concede to much less than best. The music...has been hard to swallow. I don't fail music, I am good at music. I failed my last solo, and my theory skills have definitely slipped. I have had to swallow that, tell myself like a bitter, cranky little child, that 'I never wanted to be a good technical musician anyway, I like to perform my own stuff, my own way.' I have had to learn that I am very far from best at music, but if I didn't have what little glory I get... And drama... I am still using the compliments from this time last week, drowning out the voice in my head that says 'you wanted the lead and didn't get it, she's better than you.'

But... I always had public speaking. It was my thing I could do, it was what was left over after all these things I thought I could be great at melted away. And by great, I mean the best in my immediate area. I know, it's dumb. I have always known there are people much better than me out in the big wide world, but I never wanted to meet them or be beaten by them in person. I am aware that it is shallow and ridiculous. I tell myself that every time I am confronted with it.

I always had public speaking, I could get up, make things up on the spot if I knew the topic well enough, I could be funny, engaging, confident, clear. I have had my eyes set on valedictorian for a while, I will not deny it. I want it. I have convinced myself that I could get it. And now...now I am worried that this incredible girl who I love so, so much, will beat me again. I am afraid of what I have taught myself is failure, I am afraid of my own injured pride, and I am afraid of my poisoning bitterness.

And yet, I still want to be valedictorian.

I wish I could say I don't understand myself...

Saturday, September 4, 2010

we are all at sea...

Sometimes I read/think/hear/see my own name and feel incredibly distant from myself all of a sudden, like when you are talking to someone and turn around to realise they aren't there, and have not been for several minutes/sentences/confessions.
Like when you have rested your hand on your leg in the same place for a long time and forget it is there, to look down at it, see it, not feel it, and freak out a little on the inside.
Like when you are holding up your weight by a rope and someone swiftly chops it with a cheese knife.
Like when you forget the reality of your own name.

Oh wait, it is exactly that.


sometimesithinkiamslowlysteadilysurelylosinglargepiecesofmyselfandnotnecessarilyinagoodway