Thursday, September 9, 2010

This is not what I planned at all...

So I'm getting that feeling again. The feeling that I will lose to her again, have to swallow my stupid pride again, try to be graceful, pull in the acting skills and smile and congratulate her. Remind myself over and over again how much I love her, that it is a great thing that I know somebody like her, that I'm blessed to call her a close friend. To shut up that ridiculous bitter part of me who will watch her make her speech and say 'it should have been me.' I bet she'll get the subject award I'm after too, and the same again. I will poison valedictory for myself cos I am too damn proud.

I'm sure you guys who read this already know this about me, but I have to be good at things, and I am essentially an attention seeker. I won't deny I love a spotlight. It is a thing that I have made a part of myself, succeeding. Writing, music, drama, public speaking. The writing was never my top thing, so it is OK with me now that I must concede to much less than best. The music...has been hard to swallow. I don't fail music, I am good at music. I failed my last solo, and my theory skills have definitely slipped. I have had to swallow that, tell myself like a bitter, cranky little child, that 'I never wanted to be a good technical musician anyway, I like to perform my own stuff, my own way.' I have had to learn that I am very far from best at music, but if I didn't have what little glory I get... And drama... I am still using the compliments from this time last week, drowning out the voice in my head that says 'you wanted the lead and didn't get it, she's better than you.'

But... I always had public speaking. It was my thing I could do, it was what was left over after all these things I thought I could be great at melted away. And by great, I mean the best in my immediate area. I know, it's dumb. I have always known there are people much better than me out in the big wide world, but I never wanted to meet them or be beaten by them in person. I am aware that it is shallow and ridiculous. I tell myself that every time I am confronted with it.

I always had public speaking, I could get up, make things up on the spot if I knew the topic well enough, I could be funny, engaging, confident, clear. I have had my eyes set on valedictorian for a while, I will not deny it. I want it. I have convinced myself that I could get it. And I am worried that this incredible girl who I love so, so much, will beat me again. I am afraid of what I have taught myself is failure, I am afraid of my own injured pride, and I am afraid of my poisoning bitterness.

And yet, I still want to be valedictorian.

I wish I could say I don't understand myself...

1 comment:

  1. It's hard having the things you wanted so badly taken away from you, even they do appear shallow to other people.

    But, you'll always be the best Louise ever, and that's always what matters. If you were any less, I'd be worried.