Sunday, November 29, 2009

watching hastiness unfold

I forgot.

I simply can't believe that I forgot that.
I mean...shit!

(before I get any further IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT ITS MY FAULT IM THE ONE WHO SAID ID BE THERE AND THEN I FORGOT IF ID REMEMBERED WE WOULD BOTH HAVE GONE AND THERE WOULD BE NO ISSUE. wow, I don't think I needed caps for all of that, I didn't deliver it that passionately in my head lol)

Anyway...
I know you'll never read this, cos I don't think you even know that this blog exists.
But..please reply to my text, or... I dunno, something.

Please don't hate me?

Honestly, I don't think you could hate me, just because you are too good a soul to hold any hate in you. But you could be mad... and why wouldn't you be?




In other, more happy news

ITS CHRISTMAS TIME
Today we picked out, payed for, dragged home, carried in, stood up and decorated the crap out of this years chrissy tree.
I must say, it looks rad. (wow, the girl who helped her dad carry that thing in must be buff as ;) )

And, my sister and I got to ride in the back of a ute.

And not just any ute, a christmas ute.
Take that.

And I must say, our entrance into and out of the tray of said ute was exceedingly...
graceful?
...no
coordinated?
...no
delicate?
...no

ah, thats the word,
hilarious

good work sis, good work.
Oh and extra good work to mum who got her finger over the lense, very very classy mum :D
And you claim to be a photographer :P
Nah, you take great photos mum, just not great 2-second stupid snapshots, like I am the master of :D
good times.


Thursday, November 26, 2009

im a child of eden...

War of the worlds.
Tom Cruise
Dakota Fanning
Some other guy who looks a lot like he could be Tom Cruise's son.

Alien invasion.
Honestly, nothing cheesy about it.

What this movie does so freakishly well is to highlight the selfish desperation of human nature. The hideousness of of fear and the way it permeates human beings and drives us to horrible, horrible things. And yet, still out of that come moments of what australian popular legend has dubbed 'mateship', a concept I love, but i think they could have picked a word that had a little more weight to it, but oh well.

But overwhelming it, so often, is the unstoppable tidal wave of agony, the coming darkness, the approaching doom, unstoppable.
Fear.

People talk on and on about the power of love, 'you cannot track it, and you cannot break it with a thousand swords'. But honestly, looking at the nature of human beings...

So often it is fear that is hardest to fight. It grips you by the veins with cold hard hands of menace and we are paralysed.

Two options, freeze or run for your friggin life. And you'll only know if you're running the right way until its too late.


Sorry, I shouldn't write so pessimisticl, but I'm watching the war of the friggin worlds lol, and theres been no happy ending yet, I'm pretty sure it ends ok, I think we have the audio book (used to freak the living daylights out of me listening to it in the dark when i was like, 10 lol).
But yeah, its just at the point where Tom Cruise asks his daughter to sing a lullbay to herself as he blindfolds her, while he goes to deal with the guy who's going totally bonkers and gonna get them all killed, as the music builds up and you can hear all the crap above, and the red weed spreads and....

God Dakota Fanning must be messed up.
No wonder she was so good in new moon lol.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

it's a mystery to me, the game commences

Ten Reasons Why I am not your 'average' teen girl.
Sorry to steal your idea Ben :)

1. One of my favourite things to do is watch crappy zombie/horror/sci-fi movies with my dad

2. One of my other favourite things to do is sit on my shed roof and watch the sunset.

3. The other night I stood outside watching the lightning for 45 minutes, eating a chicken burger.

4. I love Doctor Who, Torch-wood and Star-trek

5. I own three neck ties, two jazz hats and a beret. And I wear them. And I'm going to formal as a man.

6. I don't have a boyfriend, and generally I don't care.

7. I love Keith Green, a christian singer and incredible musician from the 80's

8. I'm interested in politics, and I love thinking about the way our culture works, how people think and behave and why, the all pervading nature of hyper-reality and how to escape it.

9. I sing random songs in public, just cos they are stuck in my head, or playing on my iPod.

10. I generally enjoy the company of my little sister and her best friend.


However, I must admit a few things.

10 reasons I am a fairly average teen girl.

1. I own an iPod, and I love it.

2. I have 4evr by the Veronicas, from when I bought it in year 8.

3. I fight with my mum.

4. I eat chocolate or mac 'n' cheese when I get depressed.

5. I buy things impulsively.

6. Sometimes I want a boyfriend so badly it makes me cry.

7. I cry in sappy movies, sometimes in kids shows, if I'm having a really bad day.

8. I am addicted to facebook.

9. I enjoy gossiping, (but I kind of hate that I like it)

10. I talk in the movies.

PS I had sooo much fun with my dear girl last night, going to see new moon.
Your laugh is gorgeous dear, utterly gorgeous :)




Tuesday, November 24, 2009

lets take a breath, jump over the side

This is the original intent of the poem I posted before, I just got to articulating the second idea first.
This one might make a little less sense straight up, but I'd love to hear your interpretations.


you were made of sunshine

I took your picture
added glitter
over parts I didn't like

changed your smile
and for a while
you were made of sunshine

took my lenses
messed with tenses
saw you in my rosy way

shuffle pieces
ironed creases
saved you for a rainy day

I change your nose
remove your woes
Then move on to your heart

Create new words
my vision blurred
and then onto your past

I'll heal the scars
of long nights dark
we'll be each others heroes

down we delve
to save ourselves
from counting up the zeros

I close my eyes
and big surprise
Your perfect smile greats me

Far I fall,
You save us all
No darkness can defeat me

The sun does rise
wipe sleep from eyes
Your magic unforgettable

From every place
remove the trace
Reality regrettable

completed souls
together whole
I cling to adoration

you are mine
we intertwine
and you are my salvation

Perfection reached
I write my speech
reveal this perfect art

admire your face
all parts in place
your strong and perfect heart

Hold it up
and raise my cup
a toast to it I stammer

I hear a sound
and look around
and see you getting hammered


Monday, November 23, 2009

I don't wanna be a stupid girl...

I took my picture
added glitter
over parts I didn't like

slice that stranger
re-arrange her
into something I might buy

Honest's tough
and not enough
to satisfy this need you grew

Cut and paste
No space I'll waste
found the scissors, where's the glue?

Stick together
won't take weather
never said I did before

does it matter?
winds will batter
I'll be tossed up in this storm

im a faker
you're a breaker
shattered hearts distorted dreams

I pretend
my time I spend
claiming its not how it seems



Thursday, November 19, 2009

love is a lie which means I've been lied to

So here we are.

again.

like the moment before a musician begins to play.
Chopin, Mozart, Beethoven, or Britney?
Who can know but he?
And even he...

like the moment between punch and dead arm,
you know whats coming, and you dread.
dare add hope to this bubbling agony?

like the moment between push and movement
straining, without a shred of doubt that it will work and we will roll right on into a happier piece of future.
but then...

the moment between thunder and lightning.
surreal, the soundless ripping of the sky.
As the very fabric of the sky crackles and wrenches itself into a thousand pieces of melancholy tuesday afternoons, the weave of the sky tears for just a moment, letting through the harsh light of a day unknown to mind or heart, a time unloved, unseen, breaks through. For just that minuscule moment, we wait.

And for a while, there has been flash, but no pain yet.
Truth, but no dawning.

every millisecond drags on for years as we are stuck in this moment.

stuck between
'yes' and 'but'

between lighting and thunder


the devil's wheel revolves, but it needs to be re-set

I know that everyone is saying this, fairly constantly at the moment.
But
holy
crap.


its hot.
But due to the fact that my mum is fair awesome, I don't have to walk to work anymore. Which is an epic blessing, cos I'm gonna be hot enough tonight without starting my shift off that way.
-ithinkicanithinkicanithinkican-

I can do it.
Sure, right. I can totally get through my shift without passing out...

:S


It's so close to over, for one more year.
A second last.
I know its more massively sentimental and scary for you guys who have actually finished.
But its like... Like we are standing on either side of a mountain peak.
We're looking up at what we are gonna have to do next year going 'ohmygodkillme'
and you guys get to look back on what you've achieved.
However the metaphor ends at 'its all down hill from here'

And I miss you guys, you twelves. already. And I talk to you on failbook all the time and all that.
And I miss having you around...


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

to watch each other sleep

something I wrote on the 16th.



I realised something tonight.

I'm wasting my life.
I have the answer but I do not do what I should.
The flesh is able, but the mind is a mess, and it is fearful.

It's like suddenly thirty. Am I gonna wake up in fourteen years in an apartment I don't recognise? To a life I don't remember. To a life that seemed to chug along fine on auto pilot, but so unbearably empty.

'I don't remember my life'

Is this all it will be?

A big ball of hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades drifting away in the familiar, blending into grey until I am ninety and left wondering how the hell I passed the time.

I am nothing but a big pile of commitments unfulfilled, letters unwritten or unsent, promises unkept, faces indistinguishable, moments forgotten, sentences unfinished, ideas unpainted, gifts ungiven, words unsaid, stands untaken, points unmade.

I am boiling in the heat of choices unmade.

Just like these ancient checked things that blister tired feet,


I am more hole than shoe.

Friday, November 13, 2009

FREEDOM IS MINE

scent of the pine, you know how I feel
stars when you shine, you know how I feel
FREEDOM IS MINE
and I know how I feel

oh I'm feeling good





in other news, I had a random thought.
it is odd and sometimes sad to be dependent on people who aren't dependent on you.
or just not to the same degree.
I want to make this HUGELY clear, right here.
I AM FINE.In fact, I'm better than fine, maths is over, I'm great!

But sometimes it strikes me as interesting, that you are what keeps me sane, but its not entirely a two way street.

Please, I beg you, don't get me wrong.

I love you guys, and I'm happy with the state of my life.
But, I just...you know, I just think too much :P

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I've been dying to get out, and that might be the death of me

even though there's no way of knowing where to go, as long as I'm going...

Some days, I want to be one of those people who can just run and not give a damn.
Just run from things, desert people, fail commitments, all that.
And not care.
But in the ever so wise, truthful and shoe-immortalised words of a great friend

trip on your own guilt land on your own headache


im a hostage to my own humanity...

you're the field in the middle of the city

Dear everyone who ever expected anything of me.

Shove it.





In other news, I am undeniably going to fail this maths exam on friday.
Like, not even a question.
And I beg you, for crying out loud, don't tell me I will be fine and do better then I think.
I ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS do worse.

I am not good at maths.

repeat, since you seem to learn this slowly.

I
AM
NOT
GOOD
AT
MATHS

Sorry to have disappointed you, but thats the truth of the matter.
And whats that I hear?
You want to tell me I'm self handicapping, and should think positively?


just to reiterate, so you can learn using classical conditioning through repetition,

shove. it.


and if you stop telling me I'm not going to fail, maybe I'll reward you, by using negative reinforcement by removing the unpleasant stimulus that is my presence .
because, looking at that practice exam, I don't remember a single thing.
It looks like chinese to me.
And we all know how much attention I paid in chinese...

PS OH LOOK THE QUEEN! Imjustgonnagocutsomedumplingswithscissorsnowkthxbai

weeeaaaaaooowwwww weeeeoooooaaaoooooooowwww

<3

Monday, November 9, 2009

what if there was no time...

A wish list...

1. A little place of my own, close to where I work, study, worship, close to friends.
2. Or even, a bigger place, shared with said people. Three or four of, a nice community thingo. So that I only have to do one chore all the time. Dear future roomates, SHOT GUN DOING THE LAUNDRY :)
or a combination of the two over the years.
3. The kind of place where I can just say 'yeah sure, come right over, make yourself at home. Sure, stay for dinner! Sure, stay the night! Midnight cookie dough? sure thing!' A place for me to be wicked hospitable, to always have guests coming out, the type of guests who care about my company and having fun, not spotlessness.
4. Somewhere to watch the sunset.
5. Somewhere to watch the sunrise, when I manage to get up for it.
6. Somewhere close to a coffee shop.
7. The kind of job I can go to only during the day, work with people who make me smile and laugh, work hard but not so fast I feel like my hair is gonna fly off and the kinda place I can leave feeling like I did what I was meant to. Work to do well and leave there.


Overall, the kind of life when I could wake up, not know what day it is until I open a diary, realise everything is all laid out and going to go swimmingly, and go through the day not needing to know what time it is, just being full immersed in whatever I'm doing.

The kind of life that is great just the way it is, the kind of life that good things just happen to. Good people don't need to be searched for, they just kind of arrive through different ways.
A life of spontaneity, contentment, creativity and closeness with God.

The kind of life that doesn't leave me looking to the future and wondering about husbands and children and all that stuff that is great when you have it, but terrible when you are too aware of not having it.

I want the future to just kind of roll on in, I don't want to sit here waiting for it.
I don't want to sit here waiting for my man.


I want to live.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

It sounds so soothing, 'this will all blow over in time'

I'll take my time
I'll take the leaf from your book
I'll take a break
I'll take a look

I'll take my stand
I'll take your heat
I'll take the pills
I'll take the heat

I'll take a vacation
I'll take all the blame
Now I've taken it all
are you glad that you came?



Saturday, November 7, 2009

thats the whole shootin match right there, the whole shittery














There you go, those are what I took the other day.
I must say, I really love them.
I feel like I actually captured the thought I had, and how I felt...




Friday, November 6, 2009

love, make magic

Jacynta, you've inspired me...
I looked for 'how I pine', cos it was the song lyric that just zoomed through my ears.
and that came up...
I think its quite appropriate...

I think I might go play with water and my camera now. Seeing as I can do that :D

I knew I was wrong, to jump straight on in

One my best friends posted something interesting today, a question, a request for thought.

She said How do we stay clean in a world of filth?

I responded to her, naturally :P

My first response to that is that you sound like a religious fundamentalist.
Which took a bit to get past I must say.

But then I thought about how I feel like empty actless loveless suffocating fundamentalism is a huge part of the filth in this world, because it is meant to act to improve it, to shine a little light and it does not.

Fundamentalist religious types have the faith (sometimes) that was meant to be the difference in the world and they either keep it to themselves or do not understand it at all.

So how do we stay clean of that shit??

Remember its there.
As often as you can.
Remember that you are capable of being a part of the solution just as much as you are already a part of the problem.

And break out, break out with spontaneity, action, justice, hope, love.

Make a difference, by being different.

if only it were that easy...




Tuesday, November 3, 2009

the ringing in your ears might be the sound of thought

Hobby:
Going to movie premiers dressed as characters from the wrong series.
e.g. Dumbledore at new moon, Hobbit/elf witch at harry potter.
etc, etc

option a) look sad and awkward
b) shout out comments relevant to your costume/character/the wrong movie

Monday, November 2, 2009

I love it when you feel like getting nasty

Louise Jesshope
jelly this is ridiculous :P
a) we should both be studying
b) I should be asleep
c) we are talking on two different post comments
d) I want to build a tree out of wooden furniture... Read More
e) I want to buy a table and chair set, paint them pretty and take them around places and take pictures. then leave them somewhere awesome.
f) I have a banana and pineapple smoothie, with lime and coconut on top.
g) I'm wearing my primary school pedal prix top
h) i have a fancy new colourful belt
i) I'm not wearing any shoes and I don't have to until midday tomorrow.
j) frank woodley is hilarious
k) matt preston reminds me of mr clark
l) you'd better still be reading this at this point :P
m) I have an iPod
n) I wanna go to vietnam again
o) I wanna go to africa!
p) my iPods name is fran, like in blackbooks
q) if you havent seen blackbooks, I will educate over the holidays
r) you need to watch a very potter musical
s) after you watch a very potter musical, you will understand why I think malfoy is awesome
t) also after you watch AVPM, you will understand why I have a crush on voldemort
u) voldemorts name isnt tom riddle, its joe walker
v) voldemort ♥ zefron
w) david tennant=amazing
y) MY CAFE > YOUR CAFE
z) :P


Catherine Bennett
a) i did an english exam today. i get a break. you go study :)
b) sleep is overrated
c) it's coz we're awesome
d) hell to the freaking yes. i shall help.
e) sounds good. we should leave them on someone's doorstep... Read More
f) i'm jealous
g) i'm wearing my awesome clan hoodie shazz bought me :D
h) yay! i have a ghostbusters belt :D
i) i am wearing socks. felt like you needed to know that ;D
j) i agree. so are hamish and andy
k) i googled. and i agree lol
l) i read the whole thing :D
m) me too!!!
n) i know someone who lives in vietnam :)
o) that would be fairly awesome
p) my iPod doesn't have a name. i did get a toy cow today and i called it angus though lol
q) um. yeah..
r) i shall tomorrow
s) i already think malfoy is awesome. don't ask me to explain coz i can't lol
t) bahaha
u) i knew it!!
v) ahahaha. this actually made me LOL
w) he has crazy eyes... but other than that, i agree
y) MY CAFE > YOUR CAFE
z) :D xx



Louise Jesshope
a) diddums :P and no, I'm having too much fun :P
b) no it isnt!
c) true, now we are having 26 conversations at once :D
d) sweet, goes onto the holiday list
e) I was thinking we could take picks of us sitting on them like, at the beach, and in the city and maybe in a tree... then we shall nail them to the ceiling somewhere :D... Read More
f) damn right, but its gone now...
g) sweet
h) sweet, my sister has a glow in the dark belt with ghosts on it, jay jays all 3 of us I think
i) mmmk
j) i agree, so is paul mcdermott
k) i meant in the way he talks, he rambles like mr clark
l) god its taking a long time to write this...
m) mines purple
n) so do I! lets go visit them both
o) yes, yes it will
p) wicked. :D I also I have a hiking pack named melman
q) ill take that as a 'yes, i need educating'
r) sweeeeet
s) please explain!
t) im serious lol
u) i know!
v) im glad :D
w) lol, great hair and smile and stuff
x) DUDE I MISSED X!
y) MY CAFE > YOUR CAFE
z) forever

Catherine Bennett
a) haha i know right
b) for the purpose of this conversation, it is
c) hehehe
d) yay! you have to help me decorate :D
e) i'll bring the hammer ;D... Read More
f) aw D:
g) i thought so lol
h) yus. jayjays = win
i) :D
j) i'm funnier ;D
k) yush. i googled to find out who he was. then i realised i knew who he was.
l) no joke. i keep forgetting my alphabet xD
m) mine's black and in desperate need of a new cover...
n) pack your bags. we're leaving in the morning ;)
o) which part of africa?
p) i have a frog named preston and i cleaned his tank out earlier lol
q) maybe...
r) just set it to download overnight :D
s) i can't. i don't even know. he's just... malfoy xD
t) i'm scared.
u) i'm just that awesome
v) yay!
w) he does have nice hair...
x) OMG I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE xD
y) YOUR CAFE <> win
i) lolz. i had to go through 3 levels of 26 part convo to understand that...
j) lol, at the moment I can say that this convo has made me laugh more than GNW, and that is massive.
k) ah, sweet
l) me too! we are too similar lol
m) lol
n) oh dude, one day ASAP that will be true. once im done with school. stuff blowing my $$ on alchohol at schoolies, lets go travelling
o) Uganda, I have a sponsor child there
p) sweet as lol
q) its hilarious, trust me.
r) oh mad, post on my wall the SECOND its finished
s) lol, i cried in whatever number it is that hes working for the bad guys and crying cos hes gonna die or whatever lol, when moaning myrtle is all like 'there there'
t) i had to go back to the beginning for that one lol, and absolutely no joke! he's damn hot and a great character and yeah, you'll see... Read More
u) yes, yes you are. so is joe walker
v) again, back to the second one. and yay also
w) and good shoes
x) lol. we should have alphabet convos regularly :D
y) MY CAFE> YOUR CAFE
z) so, we are all set to: paint furniture and nail it to the ceiling, watch black books, listen to this song, re-watch and talk about a very potter musical. should keep us busy for the plane to vietnam!

**I have to go to bed now, feel free to comment back but I won't reply til tomorrow
ily jelly :)



Catherine Bennett
a) that's good then. i can now sleep soundly.
b) haha i shall. watching people freak out makes me laugh lol
c) glad you agree
d) yes for real room deco. i'm repainting, ripping stuff out and buying new furniture. totally pumped ;D
e) haha sounds like a plan... Read More
f) you better make me one next time lol
g) i had to scroll up to work out what we were talking about. i'm still wearing it lol
h) agreed. but i hate the way they set their music out in JBs. genres annoy me so much. everything should be alphabetized... don't get me started on this rant haha
i) haha me too... wow this is confusing lol
j) haha. i have no idead what GNW is (and i'm way too lazy to work it out...), but yay!
k) yuhuh
l) yay! i'm not the only one xD
m) listening to it now :D
n) sounds awesome!
o) snap. if i went, i'd want to go over with invisible children or something similar. plus, it'd be amazing to just see how they live...
p) not really. he smelt bad lol
q) haha okay
r) i'm hell excited now. it better be good lol
s) yeah.. me too. but i cry in almost every movie...
t) still scared lol
u) baha. the name joe walker makes me laugh...
v) haha. yeah.. there is a lot of scrolling involved in these things... lol
w) can't say i looked at his shoes that much..
x) YES! this is awesome lol
y) MY CAFE > YOUR CAFE
z) sounds damn good to me. add in numerous outings to IKEA and a hell of a lot of paint fights and we have ourselves a pretty damn awesome set of holidays coming up :D

night night. ly2 xx


Louise Jesshope
a) thats good, I cant. im in bed and still doing this silly thing on my tiny laptop cos its too fun
b) lolz. you should have taped yourself over the year then :P
c) C has become pointless lol
d) oh sweet as. I am SO there. even if you don't want me :P. you should see my room, it is rad. I have a whole wall covered in drawings n stuff. its blue and has a strip of wallpaper with smiling flowers on it. oh and its a giant mess :)
e) indeed it does :) but whose ceiling? oh dude, mr clarks room :D epic lolz... Read More
f) ok, when we do all that stuff, we can have smoothies. I have a book with recipes :D
g) im in my pjamas, in my bed :D
h) thats a good point, but you can't argue with price, range, or service as good as theirs.
i) yes, very confuzzling.
j) GNW is good news week. im amazed shaz hasnt told you lol, its funny
k) see c (RHYMING)
l) :)
m) me too :d
n) aye it does, I can't wait to go back to all my favourite spots. but random things I can only remember, like old Vietnamese guys giving me crystalised ginger on a coach bus cos its good for travel sickness. didnt speak a word of english, but very sweet.
o) yeah, and the whole ideaof it just excites me sooo much
p) lol, like your face
q) its 'totally awesome' lolz. i cant wait til you get that lol
r) lol, you should be excited! im excited!in fact, i might watch some on my iPod :) again lol
s) lol, i meant book :P :P I nearly cried in scorpion island the other day (kids survivor type show, LAME)
t) lol. again, can't wait til you get it. -envies bellatrix lestrange-
u) randomlol
v) yes, yes there is.
w) as the doctor, various dif connies that go with dif suits n stuff
x) :D :D and all cos I just wanted to do a really long winded 'my cafe>your cafe'
y) MY CAFE>YOUR CAFE
z) oh dude, sweet as. when we went, I said to my sister 'how funny would it be if we set all the egg timers to dif times' and we just looked at each other and grinned, and did it! one of those moments when you say 'how funny would it be if' and then do it and it really is funny!
good times behind, good times right now, good times ahead :D
now I really should get off failbook and sleep.
sleep good jelly :)



and you thought that was hard to follow lol. it was much harder in real life, but also much funner.

:D
in conclusion
a) study/having too much fun
b) sleep
c) awesomeness of 26 part convo
d) furniture tree/holiday list/decorating
e) fun with furniture
f) smoothie/lack of smoothie/promise of future hypothetical smoothie
g) clothing
h) belts/jay jays/jb hi fi/genre vs alphabetical
i) bare feet vs socks/being confused
j) funny people
k) matt preston & mr clark, same person?
l) forgetting of alphabet
m) iPods
n) vietnam
o) africa
p) things with names
q) blackbooks education
r) a very potter musical
s) unexplainable awesomeness of malfoy
t) crush on voldemort
u) joe walker (and crush on/hotness)
v) voldemort <3>

the holidays are gonna be rad :D :D :D
lol, I said rad

im stuck on a verse

haiku...

sometimes are profound
but sometimes nonsensical
cheese breath facebook bound