Saturday, June 26, 2010

Annie are you ok?

This is an ittie bittie study break :)

I just wanted to tell you about the mental image that is getting me through this week.
And no, it is not the sight of 'the beast' falling down an endless flight of stairs, I've hardly seen her in the last week haha. It's a combination of three people, two are fictional characters and one some of you might think is a fictional character, but I disagree.

The first, is Miranda Bailey, from Grey's Anatomy. Her role in this pile of mental weirdness is to be there to lovingly kick my in the behind when either I'm procrastinating like crazy and going to get myself failed real, real hard or when I'm going into a 'ohmygodohmygodohmygodican'tdothisohmygodican'tdothis' tail spin. Bailey grabs my chin, looks me in the eyes and says 'STOP! you are GOING to make it, now enough freakin out and PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER'. She is a little rough and tough, but she does it with love. And you know, she's frickin awesome.

Second is the Doctor. No prizes for guessing this one haha. It's either Matt Smith or David Tennant depending on my mood. Whichever one tells me to be brilliant, to be the best of humanity and all the brilliant pep-talk stuff that they give humans and gives me the best hug ever, because every single one of the Doctor's hugs are the best ones ever hehe. Oh, and don't blink, of course.

And who's the third one I hear you ask? Jesus. Jesus doesn't say heaps, he just kinda sits near me while I'm studying, or in the exams themselves, he knows how hard I have to concentrate. He keeps himself occupied quietly, keeping me company and silently encouraging me in the deepest way possible. I like to imagine him sitting there casually humming four part harmony all by himself, absent mindedly writing a symphony, or growing a new species of flower right before my eyes. Sometimes Jesus is so awesome he makes it hard to study haha. I hope this last one doesn't weird too many people out, but at the same time, I don't really care.



In other news, I'm watching moonwalker. And absolutely loving it. My respect, appreciation and enjoyment levels for MJ just skyrocketed. I'm loving seeing him at least looking happy, like the bit when he's running around in the studio, that cheeky grin, I love it.

I guess in a way I've always felt a bit sorry for him. To me he always seemed...well sad, a little disturbed. I think I agree with his being cleared, I don't know that I think he ever actually assaulted little boys or anything like that, but there was still always something strange about his kids in the masks all the time and such. But watching moonwalker, and the scenes of MJ with the kids, it just seems a little like he did what I and so many people want so badly to do, he avoided growing up and kept a great imagination.

Maybe in the real world that doesn't work. But yeah, his apparent relationship with these kids in this movie, is awesome.

Oh, and the video for smooth criminal? My favourite, FREAKIN AWESOME

Happy birthday Irene...

So very, very much to be said tonight, so few words.

I went hunting for the passage the speaker was talking about tonight, its in 1 John 3. Looked a little broader in this chapter by 'accident' and it's hit home pretty deeply, and beautifully...

1 John 3:11 'This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another.'

1 John 3:17-20 'If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.'

I suppose tonight my heart condemned me a little.

To fill you guys in, it was a really moving service at XS tonight, guy from compassion spoke to us about goodness and how true goodness is using the unique thing that God made you brilliant at, to make a difference in a world where three quarters of the worlds food is eaten by one quarter of its population, and the amount that quarter wastes is more than the other three quarters actually eat. In this world where 25,000 children under the age of five will dive of starvation and preventable disease tonight, as I sleep in my warm cosy bed. And as I get up tomorrow morning, whinging about umpiring netball in the cold, I'll earn in an hours easy work what they would earn and live on in a week and a half.

We think we are stuck in a rutt? As we complain about school, work, issues with our relationships etc, feeling that we are walking the same road again and again, going over the same cycles, the cycles of poverty perpetuate too. Twenty five thousand. Thats twice the adelaide entertainment centre. Every. Single. Day. One child every three seconds. Watch a clock. Count.

Personally, I can't do it because it's simply too painful. I'll start crying within a minute of starting. So maybe that's a good challenge for you, find an analogue clock and count for a bit. one, two, three. Make a list of people you know, anyone who matters to you, and watch a clock. Every three seconds, cross one off. See how many people you loved would have died in two or three minutes.

Every time I hear a sermon like that, or watch the videos, I can't help but cry. I prayed in a song once, asking God to 'break my heart for what breaks yours' and sometimes I wish I hadn't. But I know that this pain that sometimes overwhelms me, to the point where I cry myself to sleep, it will motivate me to use the gifts God has given me. Holy discontent style.

So yeah, I cried a lot tonight haha, that just kinda seems to happen to me, I'm an emotional person I guess. The thing was, I got home and my sister said I had a letter from compassion. I didn't leap with joy or anything, because often they are appeals for more money, which as much as I would love to give it to them, I truly and sadly do not have. But tonight was one of those magic nights, a letter from Sharon, my sponsor child in Uganda.

And the most special thing about it? She signed her name herself, for the first time ever. She's five, turning six in february and she makes my heart sing. Sponsoring her is one of the most active things I can actually do in the world right now, that and advocacy and prayer, of course.

But yeah, then I got home and found that verse and it was like 'woah, awesome'.

So yet again, I lay my big fat questions of 'OHMYGOODNESSBLARGHWHATAMIGOINGTODOWITHMYLIIIFEEEEE' at the foot of the cross and leave them there. Because really, what am I going to do with those questions anyway? Nothing useful, that's for sure.

So even though I feel much better, and very hopeful about God's plans for my life, I have to remember that the pain of the world is still there...

So, to todays twenty five thousand...
I am so, so sorry. I wish I knew your names...


Friday, June 18, 2010

You can think what you like but its not like what you think

Hey guys, if you're interested, I've got a new blog at
www.butitsnotlikewhatyouthink.blogspot.com

I'm not leaving this one, this is just kind of an extra thing. Each entry on 'truthfully...' will be a one or two sentence secret, expressed in a general way, no names or details etc, but specific to me. Kind of like 'I wrote this for you' but not as well written or awesome haha. But yeah, check it out, share some love, leave a comment :)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The falling leaves drift by my window

Before I say what I'm going to say, I need to make something COMPLETELY clear.
Or at least I hope it will be clear.

To the person this is directed at (don't worry, you'll know)
I'm not angry, bitter or jealous.
I don't think that you shouldn't be able to rely on him.
I don't think that I should come before him.
yeah, not angry, not attacking you.
I really, really hope you understand that.

But sometimes, when I read your answers to the questions on formspring of who is your best friend and answer that it's him...
Argh... I mean, I'm not mad, I know you care about me and at the risk of sounding arrogant, I know that you love me, just as I love you.

But I can't help but wonder what it'll be like when you guys get married. I have a feeling that I'll probably be single for a while and I'm wondering what life is gonna be like, when I'm 'the single one'. When you guys need husbandandwife time, you know, when you're raising a family and whatnot.

I hope it doesn't sound self centred, I don't mean it in a whiney 'don't forget to pay attention to me' way. And I don't intend this to be a reflection on you as individuals, or as a couple, at all.
Just... just on the way the world works, social dynamics and such, in general terms.

It's similar to the ponderings I know others have been having about life post-school, how will our friendships look in the context of a different time, a different stage of life and whatnot.

I think it will be interesting, and hopefully not painful.


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Sunday, June 13, 2010

If you ever feel so inclined...

An idea semi-stolen from shaz at LHMB....
The post that ended with 'I am absent'

Sometimes I wish I could answer 'absent' for myself on the class roll when it's true.
When I'm so desperately tired that my brain won't work enough to be counted as actually there.

But life does not work this way and for now, I don't need it to.

I do not expect this to last.


Saturday, June 12, 2010

We're going down, slow dancing in a burning room..

One of those stupid, explosive, angry, don't-speak-to-me-don't-touch-me, sit home alone watching crappy movies and eating too much because I'm bored.
It has been a while since the last introverted day, these days I seem to want to just run away from everything, to fly and be bigger than myself and be free.
Today I want to rug up and drink tea and not speak to anyone.

It is raining outside. My washing is outside.
I am going to pretend I have not noticed, because I really, REALLY don't care.

I want to sit with someone who doesn't want to talk to me.
And drink tea.

A lot of tea.

One of those irritating days where I actually don't want to do ANYTHING.
I do not even want to get on a plane and fly away, or pack my bags and drive until I run out of petrol and set up a life for myself there.
Ok, so maybe that still sounds good.
But you know...
grumpy day.


Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Hold your own, know your name, go your own way

And everything will be fine...

I feel like...

Like it's getting to the point where I have to choose. Either to stand up and beat this thing, or let myself be shattered by trying to do it semi-half-assed. I mean, I'm not slacking that much, but enough to make it super hard on myself.

And in doing this, I've reached a fork in the road. Or maybe not even a fork. Just a sign telling me the gradient of the road ahead, and to either stop here and cry and let everyone else go on without me and sit here and shatter, get off and pick another road...

Or pick up my friggin act, pull my finger out as they say, kick myself up the ass.

And honestly, the more I think about it, the more the first option seems easier and in truth, more likely.


I keep trying to tell myself that if people last year and the year before and the years before that could do it, then so can I. But honestly, the year twelves from last year still look a little like superheroes to me... I know you'll probably think its just as funny and stupid as I did when you said I was dealing well.

But I've tried to re-naturalise all the images I photoshopped inside my head, but the sparkles won't rub off, the capes won't be erased, and the onomatopoeia of 'BAM!' just won't go away.

And honestly, the further I get into this year, the more it feels like the people who made it in the past must have been the minority...


And the longer I spend sitting in her classroom...
sitting frees freezing up...
sitting at home playing flash games and procrastinating...

The bigger the little doubting voices get...

Her voice is getting into my head, 'I'm disappointed in you' 'I can't believe you haven't done this yet' 'you aren't good enough' 'you'll never make it' 'just give up now'

And honestly... I'm beginning to believe them...


Monday, June 7, 2010

I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you

Ok, so seriously, go ahead and be mad at me.
Really, go ahead.
And then go ahead and watch me not care.

You've been pissy and cranky and short tempered and snappy for weeks now, I'm done pretending it's alright. So yeah, the printer didn't work, and yeah, I was extremely stressed about my stupid essay. Lucky you, I'm glad the printer worked for you like magic this morning. Congrats, but guess what?
I don't care.

You appreciate that I'm stressed, but I have no right to talk to you that way?
Well cast your mind back to solos m'dear. You were stressed right, disappointed? You had no right to talk to me, or tinman, or beetle, or anyone the way you did.

So go ahead and be angry.
I must say, my fingers are crossed for the silent treatment.


Fall asleep, wake up and do it again

I stole this from Jacynta, who stole it from someone else :)
Pick ten words to describe yourself, I'd like to read yours too :D

Loud, Emotional, Creative, Talkative, Unpunctual, Ridiculous, Bossy, Scatter brained, Opinionated, Impulsive.

...yay?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I'm a little more than useless

Sitting in the library trying to do modern in the middle double today, it came to my attention that today is 'brainwash the year nine ignites' day. This consisted of them filling the glass class room and listening to two men talk a little over loudly. My opinion of these men and this process was not helped by the fact that one was a semi-evil looking american man who bore an eerie resemblance to the cartoon version of Cronos, and the other pretending to be some type of NASA man. He was australian. This feels a little inconsistent.

The thing that bugged me though, was the way they treated year twelves when they wanted to use the tables outside the glass classroom. They used them for about three minutes, doing some stupid little activity that seemed to involved having pictures taken of them using post-it notes in some way saying 'go shaun!' Confused? Me too.

The thing that was irritating about it was the way they completely disrupted about five different hard-at-work senior students, with deadlines to meet. To play with post-its. And pretend to be astronauts.

It just shows something about the way this school treats its non-ignite students. And this is coming from an ignite student too. It feels, honestly, a little like once you're out of the official ignite program and you have not decided to be an engineer, a doctor, or a scientist in some way, they don't want to know you. All the focus diverts on brainwashing the next wave of nerds to work away making atom bombs and microwaves. Too far? Maybe.

I'm just frustrated by the fact that we've been told by teachers for years 'sorry, I couldn't get it done, I was doing year twelve work'. Told that we would be treated better, respected, prioritised as year twelves. Right now, it feels like a load of crap. True, several teachers are pure amazing in human form (looks at unbelievably wonderful drama teacher) but really, you couldn't mark our drafts because of year eleven work? Learn to time manage, thats what you keep telling us! I hate it because it's hypocritical of her. We slave away getting things done for that woman, sacrificing hours and hours of sleep and other subjects.
For absolutely nothing.

And I understand they have a lot on their plates, but so do we, and its that bit they don't seem to realise. They happily whinge on that they are stressed and therefore cannot meet the deadlines that they themselves set. So things have to be pushed back. Again. So we're behind. So we get blamed for being behind. Starting to see where this gets frustrating? And as for teachers that can't make up their minds, I'll leave those horror stories to Cindy and Hammy, but really. I cringe just listening to their tales of woe and teacher induced ridiculousness.

So, teachers who can't make up their minds or meet their own deadlines? Teachers who think they are more stressed than we are and decide to break promises, change their minds, are generally not worth putting up with. We are reaching the end of our collective tether. Soon it may be time to start peeling off peoples fingers to make it easier. You will be the first.