Friday, April 9, 2010

You are the strength that keeps me walking...

I can imagine your wedding.
It's beautiful, so don't be worried about the details.
Perhaps it is raining outside, or it is too hot, or the cake has been squished, or your Aunt Beatrice has been sniveling all day.

But it doesn't matter.
You stand there, fidgeting and bouncing and pacing. Not because you are unsure about your decision or because your feet are chilled but simply because you cannot wait to see her. Fairly literally.
I can feel the nervous excitement pouring out of you from metres away and so, obviously I go to you. Your best biological sister and I (best un-biological sister, queen of my own category :D) make you stand still. I hold you by your shoulders and look into your eyes and make you repeat after me that 'she'll be here soon, and it will be perfect and the waiting will be over soon'. And perhaps the energy flow slows a little, but not very much.

Someone nods at someone and they gesture to somebody else, who hands you your guitar and whispers 'go!' 
Somehow you quell your shaking hands and begin to play, to play and sing the song straight from your heart to hers, as she waits in the wings, desperate to be with you. And you sing, bridesmaids first, and they are all lovely but you don't notice.

Then, suddenly, there she is.
Purely radiant, and so are you.

A bit lip turns into the widest smile I have ever seen and the closer she gets, the more content the two of you seem.

The pastor says a bit, and then it is my turn, to read a bible verse that the two of you chose.
It is an incredibly beautiful sight and an unbelievable privilege just to have a part in this, and I am overwhelmed. I start to cry as I finish, unashamed of running eye makeup because this is simply too beautiful for anything but tears.

You recite the vows that you yourselves have written, exchange rings with a shiver of excitement and then kiss as though the world was ending, but forever was starting, as though stars were falling all around you and being born out of the rich, dark earth as you stand in the twilight as one.

I can see your wedding.

And I can see it and genuinely be happy about it. There is no part of me left that would change that, no part of me that wants that, none of that left in my heart. All of that misdirected affection has been re-channeled to God and then back to you, so that now I can call you brother and not wish to ever have anymore than that.

This is incredible, and earth tiltingly beautiful.
Even more so, is the fact that I can see your wedding and see myself single at your wedding, and this doesn't matter either.

You are more beautiful than anyone ever, every day you're the same, you never change, no never. You're all I need forever, because there is no one like you. How could you be so good?


  1. so sweet. but im confused. i dont know who....

  2. as am i. though i can think of one, perhaps. yes?

  3. Um, well neither of the people in this imaginary wedding go to our school or have previously gone to our school.
    And he doesn't play bass, if that helps :P

  4. MUAHAA ohk well obviously it aint him, i dont if the other i think of has a sister? :S i only know of the guy. DO I KNOW THEM?

  5. Ummm, you might know of him, but not know him?
    Or maybe you will know him, but certainly not very well. He was at my birthday party in '08, which my photos tell me so were you. My fifteenth, the one with the homemade icecream cake, and chris barritt held court in my loungeroom telling stories and we sat around listening to him like he was magical.

    The 'he' that this is about was the one who was there, not from school and not from the flinders, with the girlfriend of the time, who is not the girlfriend I am imagining him marrying.
    does that help at all?