Sunday, January 18, 2009

someday, when we are wiser...

hello small ones.
Firstly, let me point out that I just worked 11pm to 6:15am and it was CRAZY BUSY and i havent been able to sleep because my mind is still going a squillion miles an hour so im likely to use very long sentences and not make much sense.
Exhibit A ^

me and my big fat mouth.

Now, I know that a certain somebody, or maybe two people, will read this and tell me I'm silly and being unecessarily hard on myself.
Possibly, probably, yeah ok, yes.
Don't care.

If I hadn't opened my big fat mouth two years ago and spat out that stupid theory, then maybe things today would be different.
I don't think they'd be totally different, but maybe it would hurt a little less for those key people involved in this shamozzle. Maybe it would only be 18 months, or only a year...instead of 20. Maybe if I'd just shut up and kept my silly little matchmaking impulses inside my deranged little mind where they belong then this could all hurt a little less.

Maybe if I hadn't pushed you to step out and...well step out and be happy.
Maybe then you wouldn't be so unhappy now.

I have just realised that this is getting steadily sillier cos I was about to say
'maybe if i was horrible and vindictive I could have spread rumors and told you each that the otehr hated your guts and was leading you on or something...or.... other'

that really is dumb.

But I pushed myself into this situation far too much I think, made myself much too much of the middle man and the match maker and now...

Now I need so desperately to be able to believe that I can be helpful, and helpful enough.
That I'll remember to pray enough, give a hug at the right time, shut up and let it be quiet at the right time, talk random distracting stuff at the right time...

I have to be able to believe that this will all be ok and maybe I've made up for being so damn silly all those months ago...

I think that if I properly doubt that I've been helpful enough, I will implode with insane worry.
Little teensy bits of encouragement keep my in my usual number of pieces though.
Like mum, she said when you'd all gone 'your so good to your friends'. I dont know if she will ever know how relieving it was to hear that.

I so badly wish you were all still here so I could supervise and make coffee and give hugs and tidy up after you and look after you and satisfy this ridiculous urge to mother you all. Or, big-sisterize you all.

I think I've rambled about this enough now...


1 comment:

  1. You are being too hard on yourself.

    If you hadn't opened your big fat mouth, then sooner or later I would have opened mine. All this isn't your fault, or anywhere near it, silly billy.