Saturday, December 5, 2009

No poem or song could put right what I got wrong

Widely known as the cheeriest movie ever.


The first time I watched the titanic, I did not cry.
I did not cry when he dies, when they are freezing and dying and there seems to be no hope.
I did not cry when those left are saved.
I did not cry when it ends.

I am not even crying now, I am shuddering.

My poor affluent, spoiled, individualist little heart breaks, as that irish mother tells her children 'they'll get the first class people in the boats first and when it's our turn we'll be ready'

As the stone hearted first class mother says
'Will the lifeboats be seated according to class? I hope they aren't too crowded.
'Oh mother, shut up! Don't you understand? The water is freezing and there aren't enough boats. Not enough by half. Half the people on this ship are going to die.

'Not the better half.'

As the man hesitates, hesitates and then jumps into one of so few lifeboats and he sits there, trembling, he knows full well what he does. He knows that he has sacrificed their lives for his.

And I am sitting here, watching Jack freeze and Rose cry, as those in the boats flail around and listen to the cries for help slowly getting quieter, slowly fading away and my heart is breaking. Not because Kate Winslett just did her 'I'll never let go' bit.

Because I am Cal Hockley, pretending I am a childs last hope, to save myself, pretending to be good to save my own sorry skin.

I am Molly Brown, speaking up to little and too late, and sitting down.

I am saving my own skin.

Fifteen-hundred people went into the sea, when Titanic sank from under us. There were twenty boats floating nearby... and only one came back. One. Six were saved from the water, myself included. Six... out of fifteen-hundred. Afterward, the seven-hundred people in the boats had nothing to do but wait... wait to die... wait to live... wait for an absolution... that would never come.

I am the first class of the titanic, but goddamnit, I'm going back.
I'm going back to the scene of my crime and I'm going to make a difference.
But am I really?
Life is comfortable, poverty is far away...
I am too human.

But if I have to watch Titanic once a week and feel this agony all the time...
It's better than the regret of following the alternative.

I will not be those people...
Please god... help me to be better than I am, better than human.

take my heart, take my heart, kindle it with your heart.
take my heart, rekindle my heart.

1 comment:

  1. naw.
    it's sad isn't it?
    my great granny was on the titanic,she survived though