Friday, July 24, 2009

What is this love? Why can I never hold it?

'Arms high and heart abandoned'

Heart abandoned, soul surrendered.
If you've abandoned something, you have left it for dead.
To abandon your heart, is to forsake emotion.

To decide that it doesn't matter how much that heart tells you its in pain and that you should be the one to make that stop, you will never step back; never stop searching.

That when that heart feels joy for the wrong thing, you will keep walking the road you know to be true and right. Not safe or comfortable, but right.

That when that heart that you no longer consider yours feels absolutely nothing at all, that this does not matter and you will keep going, keep walking, keep climbing, keep seeking.

To surrender your soul, is to give away the very essence of yourself.

To say that 'All I am is yours' is to forsake all other definitons.

I thought once that there's a difference between 'Hi, I'm Bob' and 'Hi, my name is Bob'.
Between 'This is who I am' and 'This is what they call me'.
I want to walk into a room and say 'Hey, I'm gods. My name is child, servant, devotee. My parents named me Louise, I like these names better.'

I would love to say that having a greater understanding of what it means to abandon my heart and surrender my soul, means I have done it.

I would love to say that having a better knowledge of what it means to be defined by my loving creator saviour god and nothing else, no-one else, not even myself means that I can let go of wanting esteem from others and from myself.

But I'm trying not to be a liar, so I won't say that.
But I will say that I will sing that song carefully.
Although, it does say 'I'll stand with arms high and heart soul lord to you surrendered, all I am is yours'. 'I'll' meaning 'I will' not 'I do'. Future tense, not present.
If that makes sense to anyone but me.

Because one day I will, not today and probably not tomorrow, but one day.
Of this I am sure.


No comments:

Post a Comment