Thursday, February 5, 2009

the storm is coming, I close my blinds

I'm scared.

I'm so damn scared of myself... I'm afraid that I will just retreat so far back into myself that I'll never come out...and its so lonely in there...

I'm so scared that as I desperately desperately claw around at the people I love, trying to grab something to hold myself up to keep from falling...that you'll get sick of my scratching and leave...

I'm so scared that I'll never really figure out who I am, or that I'll never be able to make the outer layers of bullshit go away and be replaced with actual me.

I will never forget that picture in the art gallery...the black one with the red line around it.
You said it had been you for four years, a vibrant outer shell, but inside, just nothingness.

At the time I was a little busy listening to you and praying that you'd get through this and learn that she was so hideously bad for you, so heartbreakingly damaging to you...

And they were answered, and now you just drink and smoke and flail, having no idea what you're going to do with yourself but thats ok... at least you seem rather determined to keep yourself alive...

But a new question has now arisen...



1 comment:

  1. I don't understand what point you are trying to make with this.

    Are you trying to defend yourself, or just fuel the fire.

    Points have been made of a self centered attitude by you, and you still continue it.

    I hate idiots who can't handle the pressure. The people who will not help them selves out. The people who instead of listening and changing, revert back, continually over and over again. The people who pretty much ask to be had a go at. The people who will tell everyone that they don't get there periods (not a reference to you), and then wonder why everyone pays them out.

    Simply, I want to see you become a better person. I have wanted that for a while now. You are annoying, because you only consider yourself. You only talk of yourself. I have heard countless tales of people actually trying to get your help, and instead you turn it all about you.

    This is not me having a go, this is me on your side, giving you solid and wise advice.

    Listen to me.

    You don't deserve this, honestly. But you are the only one that can stop it, because you are the one who caused it.