a letter of sorts

I'm not quite sure what I wish to say...
only that I wish to...
I don't know, I got nothing.

I suppose I have some things on my mind, again.
or still...
so this is a letter of sorts, to a friend. Who hopefully will never read it, or realise its directed at them because...
i dunno why
because im afraid of confrontation i guess...

Here goes.

You are a strange one you know.
A strange creature, a strange friend.
You make me laugh, smile, all that.
But you make me insecure too.
do you know that?

Your silly little niggling comments
they get to me some days, on bad days.
on those days, every teensiest thing is a dig in the ribs,
and you do more than dig, you stab
sometimes it goes right through
and i feel like i cant hide all the blood and tears rushing out of me as its result and consequence.

I keep hinting, i say that its 'actually really annoying'
in the tone of voice that i like to think subtley says 'shush, please'.
But what i mean is that its 'actually really devastating'
and i'd like to say it in the tone of voice that bluntly says 'stop hurting me...please, oh please, enough...UNCLE'

On those days I wonder what it is that you want from me...
Why you say the things you say, whats in it for you?

Do you realise that I bleed? Is that the aim? Or is it a byproduct of what you perceive to be harmless amusement...

I don't know.

All I know is that I once defined a true friend as someone you can be safe with, someone you can be vulnerable with, show them your weak points and get a little help with them.
But you aren't like that for me anymore, you were once, but not anymore.
I feel like I have to live up to your standards, I can't show you my vulnerability, because you create it. Can't reveal my weaknesses when your already pointing at them, criticising.
Always criticising.

Saying all of this, makes it seem as though I should just get out...
But I know that you have a heart way down in there...
I've seen it...
and maybe your even more insecure than me, under your thick safety screen of arrogance and bitterness.
Do you feel like you need to push me down you push you up?

Cos regardless of why, I definitely feel pushed down...

But don't get me wrong, I still want to be your friend...
I just don't want to have to be somebody else anymore.