It's the craziest thing...

The way we just devour time, it's unbelievable.
About a minute ago, I just remembered all the things that have happened today. Its been pretty freakin busy thats for sure. Got up this morning, shoved clothes in the dryer and ate porridge. I know, rivetting.
Went to school preparing myself to beg for my life to my drama teacher, by which I mean beg for an extension. I was late to school, that was gay. On the walk to drama, I remembered something horrifying.
I had to do my oral today. I had conveniently forgotten about this, not editted my draft and left it at home. woopie for me.
But since my drama teacher is super crazy amazing, she noticed me frantically rummaging through my backpack, asked me what was going on and gave me a note to go home and get it.
Delivered oral, shoved the thought of it behind me and onto winging my way through classics, shove that out of my, focus all energy on modern, get home, collapse.


It was much more stressful in real life...


But anyway, my thought was how crazy it is that we can get so good at just devoting all our energy to what is immediately in front of ourselves and chew the hours away in blocks, one assignment, one hour, one minute, one day, one week at a time.

A week is as far out as my zoom goes out at the moment, except for solo performance, which is constantly focussed on the next solo.

But occasionally I get to pull myself out, and those moments are my favourite. Formal shopping, youth group, small group, hugs. Moments dedicated to zooming out and resting your eyes, and that is so valuable and crucial no matter what anyone says.

The only problem is its very, very tempting to stay there.

If the summer holds a song, we might sing forever

So, I don't know that I have all that much to say, but...

Sometimes I feel disconnected.

From the reality outside the car when I'm driving, the customer over the phone, the person behind the text.

From the people beside me, my friends and family, disconnected from the passage of time.

From God, myself and reality.

For example, when I'm driving, I feel like I'm playing a video game, it doesn't feel like it has real consequences, even though I know in my head that it does.

It used to happen really badly, a couple years ago, in like year nine.

I knew you were leaving, and man oh man did I dread it. I knew that everything had to change and there was nothing I could do about it.

And it was like....

It was like at the end of Juno, when they play 'Anyone else but You' and they slowly zoom out and show end credits. Like I was in nostalgia mode about the event, even as it was happening.

Like my zoom was set too far out, and I couldn't help but look at my life as a memory, it was like watching a distant memory in my mind, I felt so far away from everything and everyone.

I don't know why this thought is the one that has come out in this moment when I thought I had nothing to say, but there it is.