Time was never money.

So today I am in a brilliant mood, so I thought I would liven up this poor little 'ohemgeeschoolsucksifeellikeiamdyingandmybrainisfallingawaylikewetcake' blog thing and get some happy up in here!

Today is just....good.

I had a nice chat with the bakers delight girl about buses, and city, and state library, classics, year twelve and school. Dropped my resume off at the fine foods cafe and grabbed an amazing mocha, then dropped my car off at the ultra tune, where the man was lovely, great service, and he even opened the door for me when I was drowning in laptop, handbag, books and coffee.

I love public transport. This might seem weird, but when it works, and especially when I get amazing bus drivers like I did today. Funny man with an english accent, commented with joking jealousy about my coffee and I said 'yeah haha, what I haven't spilt on myself...' he replied 'spilt! surely not! I mean its one thing to love it, and maybe bath in it, but spill it?'. He also was a great driver and we were spot on time.

All of these people, two of my best friends who are sitting across from me, the tie around my neck and waistcoat on my shoulders and the lovely stack of helpful apartheid related books beside me have made my day, and it's not even half through.

And to top it all off, I think I just met my soul mate lol. Young girl just walked past in the library, heading towards the newspapers wearing a short-ish black skirt, cute floralish shirt thing, gorgeous tweed jacket, shiny black shoes that were like flats with platforms and the most amazing tights I've ever seen. White one leg, black the other, Cruella de vil would die of jealousy and suffice to say, I must have her. Or, you know, her clothes.

So basically, I am very thankful for the little blessings in the form of smiles and switchfoot, dancing and singing in public because today, I truly cannot help myself.

God is good.
Hope is never-failing.
Faith is mine.
Grace is free.
Love is real.
Hope is strong.

Happy birthday Irene...

So very, very much to be said tonight, so few words.

I went hunting for the passage the speaker was talking about tonight, its in 1 John 3. Looked a little broader in this chapter by 'accident' and it's hit home pretty deeply, and beautifully...

1 John 3:11 'This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another.'

1 John 3:17-20 'If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.'

I suppose tonight my heart condemned me a little.

To fill you guys in, it was a really moving service at XS tonight, guy from compassion spoke to us about goodness and how true goodness is using the unique thing that God made you brilliant at, to make a difference in a world where three quarters of the worlds food is eaten by one quarter of its population, and the amount that quarter wastes is more than the other three quarters actually eat. In this world where 25,000 children under the age of five will dive of starvation and preventable disease tonight, as I sleep in my warm cosy bed. And as I get up tomorrow morning, whinging about umpiring netball in the cold, I'll earn in an hours easy work what they would earn and live on in a week and a half.

We think we are stuck in a rutt? As we complain about school, work, issues with our relationships etc, feeling that we are walking the same road again and again, going over the same cycles, the cycles of poverty perpetuate too. Twenty five thousand. Thats twice the adelaide entertainment centre. Every. Single. Day. One child every three seconds. Watch a clock. Count.

Personally, I can't do it because it's simply too painful. I'll start crying within a minute of starting. So maybe that's a good challenge for you, find an analogue clock and count for a bit. one, two, three. Make a list of people you know, anyone who matters to you, and watch a clock. Every three seconds, cross one off. See how many people you loved would have died in two or three minutes.

Every time I hear a sermon like that, or watch the videos, I can't help but cry. I prayed in a song once, asking God to 'break my heart for what breaks yours' and sometimes I wish I hadn't. But I know that this pain that sometimes overwhelms me, to the point where I cry myself to sleep, it will motivate me to use the gifts God has given me. Holy discontent style.

So yeah, I cried a lot tonight haha, that just kinda seems to happen to me, I'm an emotional person I guess. The thing was, I got home and my sister said I had a letter from compassion. I didn't leap with joy or anything, because often they are appeals for more money, which as much as I would love to give it to them, I truly and sadly do not have. But tonight was one of those magic nights, a letter from Sharon, my sponsor child in Uganda.

And the most special thing about it? She signed her name herself, for the first time ever. She's five, turning six in february and she makes my heart sing. Sponsoring her is one of the most active things I can actually do in the world right now, that and advocacy and prayer, of course.

But yeah, then I got home and found that verse and it was like 'woah, awesome'.

So yet again, I lay my big fat questions of 'OHMYGOODNESSBLARGHWHATAMIGOINGTODOWITHMYLIIIFEEEEE' at the foot of the cross and leave them there. Because really, what am I going to do with those questions anyway? Nothing useful, that's for sure.

So even though I feel much better, and very hopeful about God's plans for my life, I have to remember that the pain of the world is still there...

So, to todays twenty five thousand...
I am so, so sorry. I wish I knew your names...

Unending love, amazing grace

If God wasn't the creator of the universe and everything, all-knowing and whatnot, I am certain I would confuse him very much.

Because although he has taken the punishment for every single wrong thing I have ever done, am doing and ever will do, I insist on feeling guilty and punishing myself anyway.

He has set me free, removed my chains.

And I insist upon putting them back on again. Wearing my mistakes like some sort of sick masochistic jewelry.

If God wasn't so smart, I'm sure he'd be confused.

I mean, my troubles aren't even pretty!
They aren't even sparkly or beautiful in that Romeo-and-Juliet way that sometimes happens.
I procrastinate, I get tired, I get over-emotional.
The end.



sowhydoikeepdoingthis?

You are the strength that keeps me walking...

I can imagine your wedding.

It's beautiful, so don't be worried about the details.

Perhaps it is raining outside, or it is too hot, or the cake has been squished, or your Aunt Beatrice has been sniveling all day.

But it doesn't matter.

You stand there, fidgeting and bouncing and pacing. Not because you are unsure about your decision or because your feet are chilled but simply because you cannot wait to see her. Fairly literally.

I can feel the nervous excitement pouring out of you from metres away and so, obviously I go to you. Your best biological sister and I (best un-biological sister, queen of my own category :D) make you stand still. I hold you by your shoulders and look into your eyes and make you repeat after me that 'she'll be here soon, and it will be perfect and the waiting will be over soon'. And perhaps the energy flow slows a little, but not very much.

Someone nods at someone and they gesture to somebody else, who hands you your guitar and whispers 'go!' 

Somehow you quell your shaking hands and begin to play, to play and sing the song straight from your heart to hers, as she waits in the wings, desperate to be with you. And you sing, bridesmaids first, and they are all lovely but you don't notice.

Then, suddenly, there she is.
Radiant.
Purely radiant, and so are you.

A bit lip turns into the widest smile I have ever seen and the closer she gets, the more content the two of you seem.

The pastor says a bit, and then it is my turn, to read a bible verse that the two of you chose.
It is an incredibly beautiful sight and an unbelievable privilege just to have a part in this, and I am overwhelmed. I start to cry as I finish, unashamed of running eye makeup because this is simply too beautiful for anything but tears.

You recite the vows that you yourselves have written, exchange rings with a shiver of excitement and then kiss as though the world was ending, but forever was starting, as though stars were falling all around you and being born out of the rich, dark earth as you stand in the twilight as one.




I can see your wedding.

And I can see it and genuinely be happy about it. There is no part of me left that would change that, no part of me that wants that, none of that left in my heart. All of that misdirected affection has been re-channeled to God and then back to you, so that now I can call you brother and not wish to ever have anymore than that.

This is incredible, and earth tiltingly beautiful.
Even more so, is the fact that I can see your wedding and see myself single at your wedding, and this doesn't matter either.

You are more beautiful than anyone ever, every day you're the same, you never change, no never. You're all I need forever, because there is no one like you. How could you be so good?

I saw the future out the window of a plane...

So, I've done it again, a little bit.
But its different this time, so different.
Because it is rather small and I have not let myself get carried away.
I have... focussed, on the future. Like I said to hamster, I can't see it, necessarily, but I can feel it.

I can see that there is a season for everything within it. A time for all of my different god given gifts to be used, a time to be wise and a time to be loud, a time to be behind the scenes and a time to be on stage. A time for here and a time for there, wherever there is. A time for just me, and a time for maybe a family...

So that is why I am not freaking out about it.
Because with Jesus, when nothing else matters, everything else that matters is fulfilled.

My future decided

It is well with my soul...

What is this love given to us
That saved my life through selfless sacrifice
Although we fail the cross prevails
Forgiveness stands
You take me back again

You’ve shown me life
You’ve opened my eyes
So I give You my praise
Yeah I give You my all

Salvation’s strong in Christ alone
The Saviour King alone in victory
I step aside give You my life
For You to move do what You want to do

I can’t imagine a life without You
‘Cause it’s all for You God






You hold the future in your hands
You know my dreams and you have a plan
And as you light my way, I'll follow you

My soul secure in all you've done
My minds made up
And you are the only one for me

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours

You hold the earth in your command
You are the rock on which I stand
And as I live each day, I'll follow you

Unafraid, Unashamed Lord we know who we are
We are your people and we won't be silent
Unified hear us cry at the top of our lungs
You our God and we will not be shaken


Easter camp was incredible
My life is no longer under my own silly control
I am new
I am known

God is.

he is jealous for me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYu68H7nNGQ&NR=1

watch it.

For the ten minutes it will take you to watch this, stop studying. stop.

for just ten minutes.

stop for ten minutes and watch this thing and let yourself cry, or just be impacted in whatever form it takes on you.

i think i might actually change my blog title cos of this, cos this is just...

He is jealous for me,
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

So we are his portion and he is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes,
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking.

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
He loves us

oh how he loves us so

Without a song or a dance what are we?

I'm sick of being bad at my job.
Well, not as brilliant at it as he needs me to be.
ARGH AT MYSELF.
Do you know, after he roasted me, I was actually daydreaming about going back to maccas.
now thats sad.

I need to pray. And I shall do so tomorrow.
I will sleep in til i dunno, maybe ten/ten thirty.
get up and eat breakfast, get dressed.
Tidy my room so its nice again.
tidy some of the rest of the house to make my mum feel better.
and then do LOTS of journalling and praying and calming down so i dont completely freak out about going to work.
I need my eternal perspective back I think, and tomorrow I'm gonna go looking for it.


Ode to Coffee

Coffee,oh coffee
why must you tease so?
when i dont pour you right
and all funny you go.

My boss sends you back,
with half laugh on his lips
I stand and I stare
my hands on my hips

Coffee, oh coffee
you taste so damn fine
You keep me breathing
around exam time.

days spent without you
are painful and long
I love you so much
but I make you so wrong

Coffee, oh coffee
oh vessel of caffeine
you also taste awesome
but not made by me

I should give cesar a copy lol.
I think he'd laugh...


In other news...

Dear BBlemu
I am so sorry that you had to cancel the GNI.
We really did want to go!!
And we know long distance relationships are hard, but please don't give up on us.
Meetings might be short and far between, but we think of you and miss you often, and we will make it.
Just think, we'll be getting Ps soon!
And we are so sorry that we have had to choose our silly jobs over spending time with our favourite mental patient, but I work in a small business where I can't just take the night off, and Cindy is incapable of saying no (but ill teach her eventually).
We love you!!!!

I will lose this shadow, I will find my way

The prodigal son.

is an incredible story, when you hear it told by a person who feels it, believes it, lives it, breathes it.

i had this image, in my head, as he told the story, so incredibly.

I'm going to write it out...

'Dust.

Big, blue, sky.

Once beautiful, now simply empty.

I have been walking down this road a long time.

I don't know why.

I don't know where I'm going.

Or where I think I'm going.

Or where I used to think I was going...

I don't know why I started walking this road.

But I am slowly realising that I don't like it anymore.

For a while, the thrill of the open road alone was enough.

Not anymore, I want to have a destination, a purpose.

And more than that, I want to already be somewhere.

But I am going nowhere.

As I realise this, I think that perhaps I should turn around.

I seem to remeber having come from somewhere worth being.

But I'm not sure if it was real anymore...

did I dream it?

Weirder things have happened.

But...but what if it was real?

This question is enough to halt my dusty trudging, for at least a moment.

But...what will I say to him?

Man, did I screw it...

I concoct an incredibly apologetic, begging, pathetic speech and rehearse.

A thousand times.

Then, finally, I feel nearly ready to turn around and start walking back to a place that may or may not exist, may or may not be as good as I remember and where I may or may not be welcome.

A deep breath.

Alright, I'll do it.

it's got to be better than this...

Ok, two deep breaths.

Slowly turn, expecting...

well expecting nothing honestly.

Expecting a long sad walk home, to a hostile, disappointing home.

But it's got to be better than this...

I turn, and there you are!

I try to begin my speech, but it's impossible because somehow we are already hugging, so tightly, so warmly, with a love so intense it verges on and blurs with desperation.

A hug that says I missed you, on both sides.

A hug that says I'm sorry, and I forgive you.

A hug that says about time you got here and about time I did this.

A hug that says I love you.

What is this love? Why can I never hold it?

'Arms high and heart abandoned'

Heart abandoned, soul surrendered.

If you've abandoned something, you have left it for dead.

To abandon your heart, is to forsake emotion.

To decide that it doesn't matter how much that heart tells you its in pain and that you should be the one to make that stop, you will never step back; never stop searching.

That when that heart feels joy for the wrong thing, you will keep walking the road you know to be true and right. Not safe or comfortable, but right.

That when that heart that you no longer consider yours feels absolutely nothing at all, that this does not matter and you will keep going, keep walking, keep climbing, keep seeking.

To surrender your soul, is to give away the very essence of yourself.

To say that 'All I am is yours' is to forsake all other definitons.

I thought once that there's a difference between 'Hi, I'm Bob' and 'Hi, my name is Bob'.

Between 'This is who I am' and 'This is what they call me'.

I want to walk into a room and say 'Hey, I'm gods. My name is child, servant, devotee. My parents named me Louise, I like these names better.'

I would love to say that having a greater understanding of what it means to abandon my heart and surrender my soul, means I have done it.

I would love to say that having a better knowledge of what it means to be defined by my loving creator saviour god and nothing else, no-one else, not even myself means that I can let go of wanting esteem from others and from myself.

But I'm trying not to be a liar, so I won't say that.

But I will say that I will sing that song carefully.

Although, it does say 'I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned...my soul lord to you surrendered, all I am is yours'. 'I'll' meaning 'I will' not 'I do'. Future tense, not present.

If that makes sense to anyone but me.

Because one day I will, not today and probably not tomorrow, but one day.

Of this I am sure.

<3glitter