If you ever feel so inclined...

An idea semi-stolen from shaz at LHMB....
The post that ended with 'I am absent'

Sometimes I wish I could answer 'absent' for myself on the class roll when it's true.
When I'm so desperately tired that my brain won't work enough to be counted as actually there.

But life does not work this way and for now, I don't need it to.

I do not expect this to last.

I'm a little more than useless

Sitting in the library trying to do modern in the middle double today, it came to my attention that today is 'brainwash the year nine ignites' day. This consisted of them filling the glass class room and listening to two men talk a little over loudly. My opinion of these men and this process was not helped by the fact that one was a semi-evil looking american man who bore an eerie resemblance to the cartoon version of Cronos, and the other pretending to be some type of NASA man. He was australian. This feels a little inconsistent.

The thing that bugged me though, was the way they treated year twelves when they wanted to use the tables outside the glass classroom. They used them for about three minutes, doing some stupid little activity that seemed to involved having pictures taken of them using post-it notes in some way saying 'go shaun!' Confused? Me too.

The thing that was irritating about it was the way they completely disrupted about five different hard-at-work senior students, with deadlines to meet. To play with post-its. And pretend to be astronauts.

It just shows something about the way this school treats its non-ignite students. And this is coming from an ignite student too. It feels, honestly, a little like once you're out of the official ignite program and you have not decided to be an engineer, a doctor, or a scientist in some way, they don't want to know you. All the focus diverts on brainwashing the next wave of nerds to work away making atom bombs and microwaves. Too far? Maybe.

I'm just frustrated by the fact that we've been told by teachers for years 'sorry, I couldn't get it done, I was doing year twelve work'. Told that we would be treated better, respected, prioritised as year twelves. Right now, it feels like a load of crap. True, several teachers are pure amazing in human form (looks at unbelievably wonderful drama teacher) but really, you couldn't mark our drafts because of year eleven work? Learn to time manage, thats what you keep telling us! I hate it because it's hypocritical of her. We slave away getting things done for that woman, sacrificing hours and hours of sleep and other subjects.
For absolutely nothing.

And I understand they have a lot on their plates, but so do we, and its that bit they don't seem to realise. They happily whinge on that they are stressed and therefore cannot meet the deadlines that they themselves set. So things have to be pushed back. Again. So we're behind. So we get blamed for being behind. Starting to see where this gets frustrating? And as for teachers that can't make up their minds, I'll leave those horror stories to Cindy and Hammy, but really. I cringe just listening to their tales of woe and teacher induced ridiculousness.

So, teachers who can't make up their minds or meet their own deadlines? Teachers who think they are more stressed than we are and decide to break promises, change their minds, are generally not worth putting up with. We are reaching the end of our collective tether. Soon it may be time to start peeling off peoples fingers to make it easier. You will be the first.

Only then will you belong with me...

It's happened again.

She's nominated me for another community service award thing.

And I really, REALLY do not want this to be a 'zohemgee look at me and all my award nominations', because I don't feel like I deserve it, at all. And no, this is not a not-very-subtle plea for you to tell me how good I am. 

I just...far out. This is the email she sent me... 

1.       Outstanding Citizenship; assisting groups in need.

2.        Initiative and concern demonstrated for the advancement or well-being of others.

3.       Production of significant benefits for members of the school/general community

4.       Leadership and influence of peers by example

5.       Demonstration of skills in organization, management and communication

6.       Demonstrated pride in Australian citizenship.

Even a couple years back, before school got so bonkers, and she nominated me for that Onkaparinga Youth award thing... I felt like a hypocrite then and I feel much worse now. 

Because honestly, I had the chance to be a part of the leadership of our schools vision generation, turned it down. Had a chance to be a part of the leadership of my own youth group, and now I'm considering bailing on it all together. 

I mean, I go to school, I sit through year twelve management pretty much refusing to commit to actually doing anything. I drag myself out of bed, shovel down some breakfast, try to stay awake and semi-productive and attention paying in school for the day, try not to kill anyone in choir, go home, try to stay awake and productive again, then go to bed too late. 

Repeat until Sunday. Sunday get up and sing at church, or just go. Go home and try to be productive again. Oh, and sometimes I umpire, but I get paid, so it doesn't count. that is it!!

I feel like I'm being made into a hypocrite...

What did I do to make myself look like I do things? Because I just.... I don't know how to tell her that I'm not who she thinks I am...

How can you be so dead?

I've written this for an english assignment, text production in order to escape poster making :D
i wanted to write on something I'm passionate about without being so personal that I didn't want my teacher to read it, obviously. So here it is, I hope you guys like it, or are convicted by it, or feel something in some way lol.

On Witness

I’m told I hold the dearest truth

And ordered to protect it ruth-

lessly, to fight my way to God

and honestly, I find it odd

to have so tightly bound together

sweetest always, darkest nevers.

we twist His words in such a way

dement, distort, til clear they say

'Thou shalt defend, contain, preserve

traditions truth, for we deserve

to have this newness all our own

and never note how much they groan

of Pain and Death and Poverty

we must push on!' as they decree

‘thou shalt not laugh, or dance or love

those heathen dogs’, while we above

sit smirking, sneering, truth withheld

yet burning rubber’s telltale smell

does drift its way to those below

they crane their necks, and soon they know

the tinfoil lie we forged so well

is deadly, as the gates of hell

What of the Truth? of Grace divine?

We’d rather have communion wine.

Hide here in our iv’ry tower

Not by love, but lust for power

Our own comfort paramount

Broken hearts too menial to count

As anything worth risking for

So we sing hymns and bolt our doors

And guzzling down salvation shots,

Confess our sins?! Deny the lot!

Never mind the falling souls,

Their desp'rate echoes through our halls

And yet, I swear I heard him say

As bold as brass and clear as day

That we must love, all people, deep

Validate their hearts and keep

the knowledge firm, that ‘we are too’

just as lost, and far from you

Imagine now, if you still can

A world, despite the fall of man

Where we could trust, and hold eachoth’r

Acting justly to our brothers

And share with all, this hope, this grace

See love colour every face

It’s not as far as it may seem

Not a fairytale or dream

But true

and real,

attainable.

If we will

just

reach

out

its completely up to us

This week the trend was to crash and burn and then return again to practice the life that I pretend provides enough to get me through the weekend. I know that I don't want to die sitting around watching my life go by and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet because all of us are all too stuck. Ttrapped to a chair watching our lives blow up

stuck watching our lives blow up.

you gave me a solution, what have I done with it?

cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out way back then, but after this day it's this week all over again.

And lately the weather, has been so Bi-polar and Consequently so have I.

Our concentration it contains a deadly flaw, change from words to blah, blah blah. We took prescription drugs but look how much good that did. Well I think I had a point, but I just got distracted

Lately it just seems to me like we've got the letters A.D.D. branded into our mentality we simply can't focus on anything.

That one thing of the moment that we all happen to like will only very temporarily kinda break the cycle of the double edged sword of being lazy and being bored. We just want more and more and more till it's all we can afford

To keep our eyes open for just one more day

To keep on hoping that we'll stumble on a way

To keep our minds open for just one more day

cause its completely up to us to maintain consciousness

well no one can possibly listen to this

more than 4 reps is just monotonous

we're losing interest, losing interest, losing interest 

cause its completely up to us to maintain consciousness

-Shamozzle of Relient K

It's the craziest thing...

The way we just devour time, it's unbelievable.
About a minute ago, I just remembered all the things that have happened today. Its been pretty freakin busy thats for sure. Got up this morning, shoved clothes in the dryer and ate porridge. I know, rivetting.
Went to school preparing myself to beg for my life to my drama teacher, by which I mean beg for an extension. I was late to school, that was gay. On the walk to drama, I remembered something horrifying.
I had to do my oral today. I had conveniently forgotten about this, not editted my draft and left it at home. woopie for me.
But since my drama teacher is super crazy amazing, she noticed me frantically rummaging through my backpack, asked me what was going on and gave me a note to go home and get it.
Delivered oral, shoved the thought of it behind me and onto winging my way through classics, shove that out of my, focus all energy on modern, get home, collapse.


It was much more stressful in real life...


But anyway, my thought was how crazy it is that we can get so good at just devoting all our energy to what is immediately in front of ourselves and chew the hours away in blocks, one assignment, one hour, one minute, one day, one week at a time.

A week is as far out as my zoom goes out at the moment, except for solo performance, which is constantly focussed on the next solo.

But occasionally I get to pull myself out, and those moments are my favourite. Formal shopping, youth group, small group, hugs. Moments dedicated to zooming out and resting your eyes, and that is so valuable and crucial no matter what anyone says.

The only problem is its very, very tempting to stay there.

the food that im eating is suddenly tasteless

A borrowed/stolen idea.

Just for once...

I wish that I could shut my mouth before I'm asked
I wish that I could finish something before its due
I wish that I knew what to say in defense of myself against myself
I wish I would not let myself relive my mistakes
I wish I was nice to be around
I wish I was a builder uper not a tearer downererer.
I wish I wouldn't take out my frustrations on my sister.
I wish the paranoia was 100% gone
I wish I hadn't dated him
I wish people would forget that I did
I wish I could forget that I did
I wish I could sleep for a few weeks with no consequences
I wish I hadn't been forced to quit my job
I wish I didn't have to miss you
I wish I wasn't so irritable
I wish I could think of my own blog ideas...

I've had some learning both unwelcome and unkind...

And as the old year took a bow and joined the setting sun, it comes around again like a refrain,
And we all sing along and think of things we should have done, till one year when the new year never came

This song keeps getting stuck in my head, I dunno why. It's very pretty (dear Leish, you must get a copy of chimney's afire, basically, I should hurry up and burn you a copy.)

Today has been... Varied.
I had to bite my lip to keep from telling a certain my-subject-rules-over-all teacher (Yeah I know, that doesn't narrow it down) that he should lay off and appreciate that I tried to do it and because I was so bored exhausted I couldn't take anything in so there was no point in continuing.
And that I had to work.
And that it was my birthday party, which we will now never have to worry about again, because I won't have another for twelve months (unbirthday party anyone?[we should have a giant unbirthday party to celebrate the premier of Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland]) and in twelve months I will be lazing around being happy and bored, and painting old cars and furniture and leaving them places and taking lots of photos and enjoying the fact that I got into my uni course but don't have to do any work yet.

I desperately need want to do all those crazy things we said we'd do that night when everything was fine...
Oh, and I really wanted to tell him to put his head back up his ass where he found it.
Too far?

And yeah, I'm over-reacting, I was grumpy!


But then you dudes arrived, much to my happiness, hyperactivity and regression into feeling totally like a year eleven again. But it's been worth it, to see the funny little things you do when you subconsciously still act like students.

Librarian: 'If you're sitting here you need to be quiet and be working'
Non-students with withdrawal symptoms: -nodd- 'Yep' -reach for non existent schoolbag-

I love you guys, you're awesome.
And I shall be calling you (particulary my wife shortstuff) at 3 am when I can't think straight to do my homework. And I shall do so on my hamburger phone.

:D :D :D :D :D :D

I could breathe a little more than I would realise

I have found a song that seems to fit with this year really well.
It was playing in my headphones as Leisha, Lauren and I were reflecting on the beauty of public shamelessness, or at least singing and dancing like losers. We were wondering why we didn't catch on earlier, but thats not what this post is about...

You can call me crazy, you can call me what you will
You can take the bitter pill if it helps you sleep at night

To me that means that you can be bitter and judgemental and pissy if you want, if it helps you feel better, but it makes no difference to me. Unfortunately I do not think this is true for me, I care too much about the opinions of others, but I want it to be true.

It's a long, long way my crooked friend
It's a long long way back home
So close, yet we've come so farSo close, still we've got so far

For me this is about life, specifically year twelve, school.
It's a long way to the finish, but we truly have come so far, in our education, our knowledge, our relationships, ourselves. It's a pretty cool thought really, but will be cooler at the end of this year lol.

I can safely say we feel as safe as we like,

For some reason this seems to me to be about the level of control we have over our emotions and our responses to stress, to the world. This year is as good as we make it.
Lest we forget those who died, I never will

Now I know you guys who graduated in '09 aren't exactly dead, but I think this line is about you, I'll never forget you, and I miss you all the time (I keep expecting you to walk into the common room and either sit on me or kick us out, or both).

Such a perfect Island, tucked away in the sea,
A real land of the free, do you hear me?

For me I think this is actually about Australia itself, but to a certain extent, the freedom we are constantly aiming and reaching for, and that we kind of already have, or pieces of it.

It's a long, long way my crooked friend, 
Such a long long way back home


So close, but we've come so far

I must become a lion hearted girl...

ready for a fight?

So tomorrow it starts, finally.
The suspense has been, and still is, near intolerable.
I know its silly to say that so far that's the worst part of the school year, seeing as thats essentially the only part of the school year so far.
But I feel... restless, and helpless, like I'm stuck in limbo waiting for something to happen and there's nothing I can do about it but wait.

Five Goals for tomorrow:
1. Be On Time (to everything)
2. Do not hyperventilate
3. Do not scream or cry at any point
4. Do not forget anything
5. Do not instantly hate our new homegroup teacher.

Please no-one point out that some of these are highly unlikely...

Things I'm not looking forward to:
1. The performing arts being screwed to hell
2. Meeting our new homegroup teacher
3. Carrying a school bag on my sunburn
4. Facing up to the fact that this is actually real.
5. Getting up in time.


Wanna know something interesting?
Number four (the second number four) is by far the most difficult to do.
We have been talking about this year for SUCH a long time, a huuuugely long time.
One of those things that you talk and talk and talk about but you never expect it to ACTUALLY happen. One of those things that if it were up to us to make it happen, I dunno that it would.
But its not up to us is it, it's up to the passage of time, which is you know. Unforgiving and unyielding and whatnot.

So tomorrow it becomes real.
yay?


PS Dear Fitzy, HAPPINESS IS NOT A CLEAN CAR

it's better that we know, that love is hard

So basically, education sucks.

Calling it education is hugely misleading.

They might as well just label it 'disappointment and pressure centre' and be done with it.

I don't feel educated, I feel defeated, deflated, beaten.

the devil's wheel revolves, but it needs to be re-set

I know that everyone is saying this, fairly constantly at the moment.

But

holy

crap.

its hot.

But due to the fact that my mum is fair awesome, I don't have to walk to work anymore. Which is an epic blessing, cos I'm gonna be hot enough tonight without starting my shift off that way.

-ithinkicanithinkicanithinkican-

I can do it.

Sure, right. I can totally get through my shift without passing out...

:S

It's so close to over, for one more year.

A second last.

I know its more massively sentimental and scary for you guys who have actually finished.

But its like... Like we are standing on either side of a mountain peak.

We're looking up at what we are gonna have to do next year going 'ohmygodkillme'

and you guys get to look back on what you've achieved.

However the metaphor ends at 'its all down hill from here'

And I miss you guys, you twelves. already. And I talk to you on failbook all the time and all that.

And I miss having you around...

you're the field in the middle of the city

Dear everyone who ever expected anything of me.

Shove it.

In other news, I am undeniably going to fail this maths exam on friday.

Like, not even a question.

And I beg you, for crying out loud, don't tell me I will be fine and do better then I think.

I ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS do worse.

I am not good at maths.

repeat, since you seem to learn this slowly.

I

AM

NOT

GOOD

AT

MATHS

Sorry to have disappointed you, but thats the truth of the matter.

And whats that I hear?

You want to tell me I'm self handicapping, and should think positively?

just to reiterate, so you can learn using classical conditioning through repetition,

shove. it.

and if you stop telling me I'm not going to fail, maybe I'll reward you, by using negative reinforcement by removing the unpleasant stimulus that is my presence .

because, looking at that practice exam, I don't remember a single thing.

It looks like chinese to me.

And we all know how much attention I paid in chinese...

PS OH LOOK THE QUEEN! Imjustgonnagocutsomedumplingswithscissorsnowkthxbai

Sunshine on my window...

I can't believe I'm still up.
watching movies.
with my sister and five of her friends.
we watched nicole kidman die, ewan mcgregor cry and heath ledger seduce julia stiles.

good stuff.

Least mathsy study night ever.
great stuff.
lots of random flirty moments, and he drove me home in his utter bomb of a car.

And for those few who give a damn, his family keeps the big bottle of tomato sauce in the pantry and the one they top up and use in the fridge.

im sure I can convince him :)

and i'ma chase that feeling

the roads i've walked that i shouldn't have.
the place im standing on that i wish i wasn't
the path ahead of me that I'm not ready for.

The person I've been that I wish I haven't.
The person I am that isn't as good as I thought it would be.
The person I need to be, that I don't think I can.

Regret, inferiority, fear.

Mistakes, disappointment, mountains.



I just couldn't be in that room anymore.
I looked right at where we sat, where I sat in your lap.

I remember it was awesome, I had a great time.
Then I remember last year.
I cried I think.

Now this year...

and next?

don't even go there...

get yourself dressed instead of running around and pulling on your threads...

I want to write, so here goes. Goodness only knows what will come out...

" We are walking through a delapidated, disliked corridor. We thought the worst thing it could lead to was double english in computer labs that don't work fast enough to support slacking off.

We are wrong.

What was a flurry of break-neck speed gossip and inconsequential whinging becomes screams of pure unadulterated terror. A sound we had never heard before, now cannot stop hearing from inside our forever altered souls.

Bang! And screams.

We fall to the floor by a block of lockers, huddled together.
Silent dread drifts over us and settles like plaster dust, sets like burnt chocolate only to be disturbed and broken by a sound we never expected to hear for real.

Hollywood taught us that sound, like a school teaches you to go inside or outside in response to the dissonant wail of a siren, rather than how to do cartwheels or roast sunflower seeds, or other such useful things.

Run, they taught us. Run and bleed at that noise. Or just skip straight to bleed, do not pass go, do not collect $200, but that doesn't work as well for action movies, only crime shows."

I've got a regular summer tan

I'm in a funny mood.

I don't really want to go to work, but purely because lazing around at home is preferable.

Mmmm...piano.

I really feel like practicing, and I just happen to be in music, however I don't have my sheet music and I can only remember about 8 beats of nocturne and raindrop put together.

But I am so muchly looking forward to my solo actually. Cos one of my pieces I've been playing for about 7 months now and I've been able to play it straight through for 5 of those, so I'm pretty confident I can do a damn good job of it.

The only problem will be if I'm not at a high enough level for year twelve...

-sigh-

so complicated...

<3glitter

one thing I've learnt is even angels lose their cool

I wonder sometimes, when I'm watching people. Just random friends, just total randoms sometimes.
What's really hiding beneath that hat, or that concealer, that smile? What's really going on inside of you and how long will it be until you snap? Snap under the pressure of whats expected of you, demanded of you. What you inflicted on yourself maybe. Troubles at home, troubles with money, troubles with school, troubles with work. How long can you stand up under it like atlas until you snap in anger or despair, like a spine snapping. How long until you are totally paralysed by the shock of your outlash?

How long can we really last?
My guess?

About 13 years of this crap.

And then Uni for us masochistic retards.

<3glitter

ps this is not directed at anyone, nor am i feeling particularly pressured, just observations and thoughts