she was drinking tea in the garden

So I decided it was about time I put a post up again, and push out that horrible angsty one that's there right now haha. So...
So I don't know, I'm trying to find a way to pin down a single one of the squillion things swirling about in my brain right now.

As much as I'd like to write about the things that are happening around me, they are not mine to write about. I'm concerned about them, certainly, and deeply, but I know I can't properly understand what the people around me are going through, because I'm not in their respective positions.

So, I'm gonna talk about the future.

It's just occurred to me that its, you know, real. And headed towards us.
Not just university, although that's exciting and terrifying enough all by itself, but that, realistically, is only 4 years. And for the exact purpose of going out and living a real life. We're no longer aiming for courses, we're aiming for professions, lifestyles. Reality. (ok, so we haven't got Uni offers yet, and we are still technically aiming for courses, but my point still stands)

I dunno, really. I guess it just hit me that 'the future, it's here, it's bright, it's now...'

And as for you, you still make me angry. I would still talk to you if I were to see you in person, and I want good things for you, and all the usual cliched 'i forgive you but i still don't like to be around you' things. (And, on a side note, I know that it isn't up to me to forgive you or not)
But this whole thing that you keep repeating on your tumblr, about not knowing what life is really like until school is over... I have to put my two cents out there.

I might be being naiive, and I suspect this is the case, but I've had and quit two jobs, planned, funded and helped lead a four week overseas trip without my parents, I've had my heart broken, I've made mistakes, I've had my very identity questioned and I have answered.
I've had friends and lost friends and made new ones, said stupid things, hurt people and tried to make it better, swallowed my pride when I didn't think I was wrong.
I've given so much of myself at times that I can't function, loved people so deeply and worried so intensely that I can't sleep or think straight.
I've been so scared I cannot breathe.
I've been lucky enough to count people as family who aren't, I've had a ridiculously blessed life, I know this.
But I've cried so hard I feel like I'll explode, I've laughed so hard I've cried, I've loved, I've lost, I believe I've lived.
There is much, much more of life to come, I know that.

But I can't believe that the last 17 years have been nothing, and despite still being a child, fresh out of highschool, still living at home and out of my parents wallet, I will not be patronised.

Time was never money.

So today I am in a brilliant mood, so I thought I would liven up this poor little 'ohemgeeschoolsucksifeellikeiamdyingandmybrainisfallingawaylikewetcake' blog thing and get some happy up in here!

Today is just....good.

I had a nice chat with the bakers delight girl about buses, and city, and state library, classics, year twelve and school. Dropped my resume off at the fine foods cafe and grabbed an amazing mocha, then dropped my car off at the ultra tune, where the man was lovely, great service, and he even opened the door for me when I was drowning in laptop, handbag, books and coffee.

I love public transport. This might seem weird, but when it works, and especially when I get amazing bus drivers like I did today. Funny man with an english accent, commented with joking jealousy about my coffee and I said 'yeah haha, what I haven't spilt on myself...' he replied 'spilt! surely not! I mean its one thing to love it, and maybe bath in it, but spill it?'. He also was a great driver and we were spot on time.

All of these people, two of my best friends who are sitting across from me, the tie around my neck and waistcoat on my shoulders and the lovely stack of helpful apartheid related books beside me have made my day, and it's not even half through.

And to top it all off, I think I just met my soul mate lol. Young girl just walked past in the library, heading towards the newspapers wearing a short-ish black skirt, cute floralish shirt thing, gorgeous tweed jacket, shiny black shoes that were like flats with platforms and the most amazing tights I've ever seen. White one leg, black the other, Cruella de vil would die of jealousy and suffice to say, I must have her. Or, you know, her clothes.

So basically, I am very thankful for the little blessings in the form of smiles and switchfoot, dancing and singing in public because today, I truly cannot help myself.

God is good.
Hope is never-failing.
Faith is mine.
Grace is free.
Love is real.
Hope is strong.

I'm awake in the infinite cold...

Love gives me hope.
It makes me want to cry.
Not in a painful way, not in a 'oh-gosh-i'm-terminally-single-at-the-age-of-seventeen-and-have-an-inkling-i-may-be-so-for-quite-some-time' way.

But just... just because...
I don't really know why actually.

Because they are beautiful, and some are painful.
But also because they are so real, I just submitted this one...



'My Pa died 6 years ago.
2 years prior a man named Roger lost his wife
My Pa gave his wife her last communion, the two couples were friends.
My Nanna and Roger found comfort, companionship, and a new lease on life.
When they finally sat together in church, she wore his ring.

Love in every season GMH'

Who is the lamb and who is the knife?

Today I picked my parents up from the airport, as they came home from whats called a discovery trip with Samaritans Purse, Operation Christmas Child (the shoebox thing, but not just for the tsunami like that one time that they were really badly organised by some other group and never got there) in Vietnam.

For those of you who don't know a) I went to Vietnam for four weeks in Nov/Dec 2008 and b) OCC is an amazing christian mission thing that allows a fantastic organisation to get a foot in the door and brighten up children's lives, as well as doing other amazing work in the communities.

So my dad showed me one of the videos of this little boy, who got a cat in the hat toy in his box and for some reason it really got to me. I guess cos its such a simple thing that we take so for granted, and yet it was so amazing and beautiful to this little boy, that it made the whole thing become that way.

It reminded me of when I was there, I played catch with this little girl at a school we visited really briefly, her name was chai and we played catch for like, 45 minutes until we all had to stop playing with the kiddies, give them the tennis balls and footies we'd been mucking around with and head off.

Sounds simple enough I guess, but our guide had to tell her about three times (in their language too) that it was for her before it really clicked properly, and the look on her face was simply incredible.

Another time we gave away a football and had to tell the young boy three times (this time with us attempting his language with help from the guide) before he realised, and he cried. Our guide told us that this was one of the poorest villages around, and that he had never had anything like it, and may never have if we hadn't given him it. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

And then there was slum survivor a while back, I came back shaken up, convicted and actually kinda disturbed, I cried myself to sleep that night thinking of all the people who never get out of that situation.

Part of my point here, is that I learn so slowly. I think part of me is afraid of being passionate, afraid of the type of deep convictions that simply must be acted upon. Ok, forget 'I think', I know.

I get so many opportunities to be truly ignited for a cause that matters, and often I am, but never for long enough to do anything about it, and I bet that is a huge reason behind it, fear of action and its repercussions, fear of...
Well the unknown I guess. What a silly thing to be afraid of...

Only two options, Love and Fear.
Only two results, Love and Fear
(I should memorise this lol)

I'm always harping on about love, blogging, writing, talking, painting, writing songs, drawing, wasting time not actually doing anything at all...

So how do I get past the fear?

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head...

Ok, so I've done two things that I was totally NOT going to.
Ok, actually three, but the first two pretty much merge into one, so I'm gonna call it two because its less horrible. Ok it still is three bceause there's another one lol.

So, 1. I fell as I tried to jog up the stairs at marketplace church tonight, it was hilarious and only Hannah Keane is brave enough to agree with me to my face lol, or at least the only one to do it more than once and make a massive in joke of it.

2. I have totally found a new one of he who fell from the stars in my eyes, a new statue for my pedestal. I know for a fact that he would HATE it if he knew my ever so slightly excessive admiration of him, I know he would, but its still there. Not as massive as the original one at least, but there, irritatingly enough. When I said I could listen to him talk for hours, I meant it sadly.

3. (and kind of four) I like him. For crying out loud I friggin like him. He's smart, he's talented, he's genuine, he's got faith, he's sweet and he no-joke makes me laugh like a loon on loon tablets. I like him a lot, unfortunately. I tried to tell myself it's all in my head, but it doesn't matter even if it is, because I have to be in my head too. The fourth part is my CHRONIC daydreaming, and I suppose you'd call it fantasy, but totally not in a sexy way if you know what I mean.
Dumbest idea EVER.



So basically, to sum up my state of mind:

• My own stupidity and over emotionality
  
  
• School starting in three days
  
  
• Living in a loveless world and a loveless mind
  
  

I'm not bothered

I knew I was wrong, to jump straight on in

One my best friends posted something interesting today, a question, a request for thought.

She said How do we stay clean in a world of filth?

I responded to her, naturally :P

My first response to that is that you sound like a religious fundamentalist.
Which took a bit to get past I must say.

But then I thought about how I feel like empty actless loveless suffocating fundamentalism is a huge part of the filth in this world, because it is meant to act to improve it, to shine a little light and it does not.

Fundamentalist religious types have the faith (sometimes) that was meant to be the difference in the world and they either keep it to themselves or do not understand it at all.

So how do we stay clean of that shit??

Remember its there.
As often as you can.
Remember that you are capable of being a part of the solution just as much as you are already a part of the problem.

And break out, break out with spontaneity, action, justice, hope, love.

Make a difference, by being different.

if only it were that easy...

he is jealous for me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYu68H7nNGQ&NR=1

watch it.

For the ten minutes it will take you to watch this, stop studying. stop.

for just ten minutes.

stop for ten minutes and watch this thing and let yourself cry, or just be impacted in whatever form it takes on you.

i think i might actually change my blog title cos of this, cos this is just...

He is jealous for me,
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

So we are his portion and he is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes,
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking.

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest.

I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
He loves us

oh how he loves us so

no time for losers...

I wanted to write something.

Something deep, thought provoking.

Or funny, that would work to...

Or just delightfully random.

But I feel so dry and tired, I feel spent.

I spent time procrastinating

I spent time studying

I spent time stressing

I spent time with friends

I spent time at church

I spent time spending money

I spent time yelling at my mum

I spent time listening to queen

I spent time sleeping

'Science has shown that the way people think about cancer affects their ability to deal with the disease, thus affecting their overall health. Professor Spencer said that if he were to sit down with his family and tell them he had cancer they would be shocked, concerned, perhaps even in tears and yet cancer is nothing near the most deadly of diseases. Because of war metaphor, the professor said, we are more likely to fear cancer when, actually, most people survive the disease.

Mr Spencer then asked us about another area in which he feels metaphors cause trouble. He asked us to consider relationships. What metaphors do we use when we think of relationships? 'We value people' I shouted out. Yes, he said and wrote it on his little whiteboard. We invest in people, another person added. And soon enough we had listed a whole whiteboard of economic metaphor. Relationships could be bankrupt, we said. People are priceless, we said. All economic metaphor. I was taken aback.

And that's when it hit me like so much epiphany getting dislodged from my arteries. The problem with christian culture is that we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money. Professor Spencer was right, and not only was he right but I felt as though he had cured me, as though he had let me out of my cage. I could see it very clearly. If someone is doing something for us, offering us something, be it gifts, time, popularity or what have you, we feel they have value, we feel they are worth something to us and, perhaps, we feel they are priceless. I could see it so clearly, and I could feel it in the pages of my life. This was the thing that had smelled so rotten all these years. I used love like money. The church used love like money. With love, we withheld affirmation from the people who did not agree with us, but we lavishly financed those who did.'

Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller

And to add to that, why do we treat ourselves like money...

That is definitely not what I thought I'd end up writing...

Now I am super motivated to go tidy my desk, instead of doing homework...

Man I love that book so much...

If I haven't lent it to you yet, tell me that I should lend it to you for some of the summer holidays. I promise it will give a marvellous alternative to reading King Lear, Fly Away Peter, The Dolls House and The Odyssey.

Even if you don't enjoy it, you can throw it back in my face when I don't do what it says, cos I've read it three times and I plan to read it again. So If you catch me doing something that I shouldn't be, I should have gotten the point by now and you can tell me that if you like.

Wanna know something funny?

I was gonna turn this post into pointless rambling and end it with a ya mum joke.

Funny how life goes...

withyamum

one misstep and slip before you know it

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
The cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed


you know, im not even entirely sure if i do like him.
i think i convinced myself to...
i just wanted to be struck by lightning.
so badly...

sing i dont wanna be in love
i dont wanna be in love

my little sweetheart jumped overboard

“Tuplets” are rhythms like triplets, which are played at some fraction of their normal speed.

(Tuplet is not a nice word, though alternatives like “irrational rhythm” aren’t too terrific either.

Opinion is divided as to whether “tuplet” rhymes with “duplet” or with “couplet.”)

lol.

-loves the sibellius people and is beginning to think it is the fault of the terrible macs that everything is gay, and not them...-

geeks with too much time on their hands, how i enjoy them lol.

images of you and me

"I can't write with my hands over my ears!"
"something about tendancy"
"...tennant?!?"

i love you kids

He carried the shopping bags and she carried them both

I am keeping every scrap of paper, every text, every memory of your face,  your name.

I am hoarding away every miniscule scrap of you that I can gather, 

cos you might not be here in the morning

and don't you dare buy a friggin' suitcase...

ifyoucouldreadthetextsikeep,youdbelookingatmeaalittledifferently,alittleweirderalittlewider

letters for you all

Letters for people! Short ones, but yes. Somewhat similar to that ten things email, but hopefully all nice and no nasty. I think I shall start them all with I love you. But I want to make it clear that they aren't 'I love you because' they are 'I love you and'. make sense?

Dear You,

I love you! You are awesome.

I think a lot of the time you don't think you're awesome, and even on the days that you are tired or grumpy (and its fair for you to be grumpy, i dont mind) and not up to your usual standard of awesome, you are still awesome for me. You know exactly the right listening noises to make when I'm ranting and I love your laugh, so very much.
I love when we are laughing together, because when we do, it doesnt matter that I've only known you since transition day, it feels like we've been friends forever. And that's cheesy, really cheesy, but really true.

We wrote songs together, we wrote assignments together and now we blog.

We've grown up, a bit lol.

You are my toto, so is she, but you are.

I hope thats not pressureful...

Regardless, you are the first friend i made on transition day and I'm quite sure we'll be sitting on a porch when we're 80, laughing about something that doesn't quite make sense.

I love you girl, you amaze me.

2 b cont

<3glitter

a dandy caucus race

I'm sorry.

Again.

I'm sorry for that awful night and now I'm sorry for yesterday...

well the second half of yesterdays blog.

was it yesterday?

who gives a damn.

I...

I know it's not exclusive. I just...

I don't even know why I said that, all I know is I'm sorry I did.

And I'd love to try and get into Austen and join the blog club, if you'll have a paranoid non mouth shutting idiot like me.

I know that this is something I need to work on, and I know this has happened before, but I hope you'll forgive me anyway.



I love you, don't forget that.

If I didn't, I wouldn't be paranoid.

Hopefully I can love you and not be paranoid.

Cos I can't scrap the first bit, never in a million years.

Again, I'm sorry.



<3glitter