I'm not sayin' it was your fault, although you could have done more

I still dream about you.
Embarassingly often.
Like seriously, if you ever find out how much you're on my mind, or in my dreams...
Well I'm screwed, because you'll be too weirded out to speak to me ever again, and I'll just get worse.
I had a dream within a dream, about English being horrible.
Woke up from the dream within the dream, had a whinge to Shaz and Catherine, they were coming over for some reason. As we walked through the house I discovered it was full of people, from all of my different little circles.
School friends, Church friends, Old work mates, a couple of my favourite netball girls, some family and of course, the old family friends. You. Well you and your brother and your best friend.

You were cooking something, you were wearing oven mits and standing in the kitchen. Your brother and best friends were sitting around on the benches, demanding that you make them a sandwich.

You laughed, put down whatever it was (bits of oven maybe?) and looked up and saw me.
And you were... well happy to see me. I got me a massive hug from you and your brother, and other people from my life started popping up.
Two from separate circles appeared to be suddenly a couple, which was very weird, but overall it was just awesome fun.

And even though it was your face only in a sea of others that I adore so much, I only remembered the dream and made myself remember because you were there.

And I miss you.
And you don't reply to anything.

And you will never be who I imagined you to be, but part of me still doesn't know that.

And I wonder if I will ever stop dreaming of you.

andpartofmedoesn'twantto

lets take a breath, jump over the side

This is the original intent of the poem I posted before, I just got to articulating the second idea first.
This one might make a little less sense straight up, but I'd love to hear your interpretations.


you were made of sunshine

I took your picture
added glitter
over parts I didn't like

changed your smile
and for a while
you were made of sunshine

took my lenses
messed with tenses
saw you in my rosy way

shuffle pieces
ironed creases
saved you for a rainy day

I change your nose
remove your woes
Then move on to your heart

Create new words
my vision blurred
and then onto your past

I'll heal the scars
of long nights dark
we'll be each others heroes

down we delve
to save ourselves
from counting up the zeros

I close my eyes
and big surprise
Your perfect smile greats me

Far I fall,
You save us all
No darkness can defeat me

The sun does rise
wipe sleep from eyes
Your magic unforgettable

From every place
remove the trace
Reality regrettable

completed souls
together whole
I cling to adoration

you are mine
we intertwine
and you are my salvation

Perfection reached
I write my speech
reveal this perfect art

admire your face
all parts in place
your strong and perfect heart

Hold it up
and raise my cup
a toast to it I stammer

I hear a sound
and look around
and see you getting hammered

what if there was no time...

A wish list...

1. A little place of my own, close to where I work, study, worship, close to friends.

2. Or even, a bigger place, shared with said people. Three or four of, a nice community thingo. So that I only have to do one chore all the time. Dear future roomates, SHOT GUN DOING THE LAUNDRY :)

or a combination of the two over the years.

3. The kind of place where I can just say 'yeah sure, come right over, make yourself at home. Sure, stay for dinner! Sure, stay the night! Midnight cookie dough? sure thing!' A place for me to be wicked hospitable, to always have guests coming out, the type of guests who care about my company and having fun, not spotlessness.

4. Somewhere to watch the sunset.

5. Somewhere to watch the sunrise, when I manage to get up for it.

6. Somewhere close to a coffee shop.

7. The kind of job I can go to only during the day, work with people who make me smile and laugh, work hard but not so fast I feel like my hair is gonna fly off and the kinda place I can leave feeling like I did what I was meant to. Work to do well and leave there.

Overall, the kind of life when I could wake up, not know what day it is until I open a diary, realise everything is all laid out and going to go swimmingly, and go through the day not needing to know what time it is, just being full immersed in whatever I'm doing.

The kind of life that is great just the way it is, the kind of life that good things just happen to. Good people don't need to be searched for, they just kind of arrive through different ways.

A life of spontaneity, contentment, creativity and closeness with God.

The kind of life that doesn't leave me looking to the future and wondering about husbands and children and all that stuff that is great when you have it, but terrible when you are too aware of not having it.

I want the future to just kind of roll on in, I don't want to sit here waiting for it.

I don't want to sit here waiting for my man.

I want to live.

Think of me, trying to hard to put you from my mind

Dear Stuff,
Dear last beer bottle into the fridge, I love you, you make me smile as you slide cosily into your position.
Much love,
<3glitter Dear people drinking only one of a type of beer that no one else likes I hate you, just drink the same beer as everyone else, k? Looking forward to not having to glass you in frustration, <3gliTter Dear self, You suck, you are not very good at remembering things or being organised. You really should use your diary, and get off your ass and do what needs to be done. You have parking practice, piano, slum survivor and a VOC studies assignment to do tomorrow. You do too many things. Stop. <3glitter Dear dreams, you are hurtful because you are happy and not true. You make me annoyed at myself for being half awake and deciding to stay in that dream place, cos it felt like pretty much all I wanted for a VERY long time. You make me sad and regretty feeling, because you have shown me that I still want what I used to want, ridiculous as it is. Ridiculous and non-existent, seeing I have built it up in my ivory tower of imagination. You make me sad, and afraid of heights. at least you did not torture me with blowflies. thanking you for minute mercies, <3glitter Dear Person, you suck. You are not, never will be and possibly never have been who I built you up to be. This is my fault. I don't care, you still suck. <3glitter Dear other person, you remind me so much of the first one that it is literally painful. you talk like he does, you have a jacket like he does, you have friends like his. You make fun of me like he does, but make it funny like he does. You deliver pizzas like he used to. i wonder if you drink as much as he does. i certainly hope not. Please do not pour your life down the drain even as he pours toxic liquids down his throat and i try I try so desperately to get his life back out of the drain, even though theres nothing anyone can really do but him. Please do not put yourself through what I hope so desperately is a phase. Please stay like him, but not him. Cos I will seriously go totally bonkers if your hair changes colour, you need glasses and start playing hockey. If you ever call me emo, I will undoubtedly snap and as we discussed this evening as I gritted my teeth and tried not to think about the other person, the laser shooting eye thing, meant to be a secret. Call me frenchy all you like (the beret was asking for it I guess), but don't call me emo. for both our sakes... This is random,I hardly know you, but still <3gliTter Dear Blogger, Stop taking out all my enters when I edit this post. And stop putting in labels i didnt want so I have to edit it again. You are frustrating and addictive, -sigh-