Who is the lamb and who is the knife?

Today I picked my parents up from the airport, as they came home from whats called a discovery trip with Samaritans Purse, Operation Christmas Child (the shoebox thing, but not just for the tsunami like that one time that they were really badly organised by some other group and never got there) in Vietnam.

For those of you who don't know a) I went to Vietnam for four weeks in Nov/Dec 2008 and b) OCC is an amazing christian mission thing that allows a fantastic organisation to get a foot in the door and brighten up children's lives, as well as doing other amazing work in the communities.

So my dad showed me one of the videos of this little boy, who got a cat in the hat toy in his box and for some reason it really got to me. I guess cos its such a simple thing that we take so for granted, and yet it was so amazing and beautiful to this little boy, that it made the whole thing become that way.

It reminded me of when I was there, I played catch with this little girl at a school we visited really briefly, her name was chai and we played catch for like, 45 minutes until we all had to stop playing with the kiddies, give them the tennis balls and footies we'd been mucking around with and head off.

Sounds simple enough I guess, but our guide had to tell her about three times (in their language too) that it was for her before it really clicked properly, and the look on her face was simply incredible.

Another time we gave away a football and had to tell the young boy three times (this time with us attempting his language with help from the guide) before he realised, and he cried. Our guide told us that this was one of the poorest villages around, and that he had never had anything like it, and may never have if we hadn't given him it. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

And then there was slum survivor a while back, I came back shaken up, convicted and actually kinda disturbed, I cried myself to sleep that night thinking of all the people who never get out of that situation.

Part of my point here, is that I learn so slowly. I think part of me is afraid of being passionate, afraid of the type of deep convictions that simply must be acted upon. Ok, forget 'I think', I know.

I get so many opportunities to be truly ignited for a cause that matters, and often I am, but never for long enough to do anything about it, and I bet that is a huge reason behind it, fear of action and its repercussions, fear of...
Well the unknown I guess. What a silly thing to be afraid of...

Only two options, Love and Fear.
Only two results, Love and Fear
(I should memorise this lol)

I'm always harping on about love, blogging, writing, talking, painting, writing songs, drawing, wasting time not actually doing anything at all...

So how do I get past the fear?

im a child of eden...

War of the worlds.
Tom Cruise
Dakota Fanning
Some other guy who looks a lot like he could be Tom Cruise's son.

Alien invasion.
Honestly, nothing cheesy about it.

What this movie does so freakishly well is to highlight the selfish desperation of human nature. The hideousness of of fear and the way it permeates human beings and drives us to horrible, horrible things. And yet, still out of that come moments of what australian popular legend has dubbed 'mateship', a concept I love, but i think they could have picked a word that had a little more weight to it, but oh well.

But overwhelming it, so often, is the unstoppable tidal wave of agony, the coming darkness, the approaching doom, unstoppable.
Fear.

People talk on and on about the power of love, 'you cannot track it, and you cannot break it with a thousand swords'. But honestly, looking at the nature of human beings...

So often it is fear that is hardest to fight. It grips you by the veins with cold hard hands of menace and we are paralysed.

Two options, freeze or run for your friggin life. And you'll only know if you're running the right way until its too late.


Sorry, I shouldn't write so pessimisticl, but I'm watching the war of the friggin worlds lol, and theres been no happy ending yet, I'm pretty sure it ends ok, I think we have the audio book (used to freak the living daylights out of me listening to it in the dark when i was like, 10 lol).
But yeah, its just at the point where Tom Cruise asks his daughter to sing a lullbay to herself as he blindfolds her, while he goes to deal with the guy who's going totally bonkers and gonna get them all killed, as the music builds up and you can hear all the crap above, and the red weed spreads and....

God Dakota Fanning must be messed up.
No wonder she was so good in new moon lol.

when i grow up, I'll be stable

the five top phrases that make me want to crawl into my bed and NEVER come out

5. "final exams"
4. "this will only hurt a little"
3. "we need to talk"
2. "I'm sorry to tell you"
1. "lost passport"

number one no joke...oh god.
makes me want to throw up with fear even when I'm sitting safely on my couch in a country I don't need a passport, with it safely in the filing cabinet not 6 metres away.
actually, I might go check that...
no worries :)

And I never even lost my passport, only a train ticket...

and hey, if leisha can make me do this, i can make you.
i want to hear yours :)
comment me with the list, or a link, or whatevs.

and i'ma chase that feeling

the roads i've walked that i shouldn't have.
the place im standing on that i wish i wasn't
the path ahead of me that I'm not ready for.

The person I've been that I wish I haven't.
The person I am that isn't as good as I thought it would be.
The person I need to be, that I don't think I can.

Regret, inferiority, fear.

Mistakes, disappointment, mountains.



I just couldn't be in that room anymore.
I looked right at where we sat, where I sat in your lap.

I remember it was awesome, I had a great time.
Then I remember last year.
I cried I think.

Now this year...

and next?

don't even go there...

nothing to do and there's nothing to say...

Well, we've had 'so you think you can dance' and 'so you think you can mime'
I have a new one
'so you think you can survive highschool'
or maybe 'so you think you can survive adolescence'
or even 'so you think you can make it'.

we should put signs that say that on the doors of the very first year twelve assembly.

im scared.

im scared ill fail year twelve, do nothing with my life and die alone.

im scared that every ministry event I try to organise in my entire life will be a flop, that nobody will come and i will sit in my church hall, surrounded by cupcakes and biscuits set up beautifully on tables, all alone.

And as I sit there crying, the food slowly decomposes and the room is full of blowflies. giant blowflies...

the end.

Living in your prewar apartment, soon to be your post war apartment

First of all,

Dear people who blog letters to things.
Sorry I stole your idea, I couldn't help myself

tata!

Second,

Dear Future,
I would stand in the rain to wait for you.
Sometimes it feels like I already am.
I would stand in hail for you, for a ridiculously long time.
Sometimes I think I have seen glimpses of you, but they are not my future, they are someone else's, zipping along down the line.

Do destinys have return to sender?
I would stand through a hurricane, I would wait for years.

But I get the feeling I would convince myself that my whole future consists of waiting, and walk away shaking my head.
I am certain this will happen, just as I am certain you will be shipped return to sender when it turns out you simply had to buy a bandaid to save yourself from the blister of your shiny new shoes and I have not had the faith to wait for you.