The falling leaves drift by my window

Before I say what I'm going to say, I need to make something COMPLETELY clear.
Or at least I hope it will be clear.

To the person this is directed at (don't worry, you'll know)
I'm not angry, bitter or jealous.
I don't think that you shouldn't be able to rely on him.
I don't think that I should come before him.
yeah, not angry, not attacking you.
I really, really hope you understand that.

But sometimes, when I read your answers to the questions on formspring of who is your best friend and answer that it's him...
Argh... I mean, I'm not mad, I know you care about me and at the risk of sounding arrogant, I know that you love me, just as I love you.

But I can't help but wonder what it'll be like when you guys get married. I have a feeling that I'll probably be single for a while and I'm wondering what life is gonna be like, when I'm 'the single one'. When you guys need husbandandwife time, you know, when you're raising a family and whatnot.

I hope it doesn't sound self centred, I don't mean it in a whiney 'don't forget to pay attention to me' way. And I don't intend this to be a reflection on you as individuals, or as a couple, at all.
Just... just on the way the world works, social dynamics and such, in general terms.

It's similar to the ponderings I know others have been having about life post-school, how will our friendships look in the context of a different time, a different stage of life and whatnot.

I think it will be interesting, and hopefully not painful.

They read all the books but they can't find the answers...

So I'm exhausted. Last night at about half twelve, I slogged my way through the last part of the chapter I had to read for Classics (fat lot of good it did me seeing as I took absolutely nothing in) when the TV goes off, the computers go off, the oven and mircowave go blank and the UPS's start to beep (a UPS is a fancy computer thing, an Uninterruptable Power Source I think, and they beep when the grid power goes, its VERY annoying, but it means we don't lose everything.)

Seeing as the lights didn't go, it was fairly easy to tell that it was not in fact a black out (well duh) so dad went and flipped the circuit tripper thingy, and life! The answering machine started babbling, the oven beeped, and the UPS changed its noise, hurrah, success! Ten to twenty seconds later, it all went blank and beepy again.

So we (my father and I) began the crusade of unplugging things. Start with the toaster, the TV, the pointless things that suck up lots of power. Flip the circuit thingy, same again. It was around this point that I realised that the best way to tell if it was still on was the oven, cos its display flashed 'HELP' spelt in digital numbers when the power was on. Which, although a little unnerving, was actually very helpful to me, so I became oven watcher.

Again and again and again and again and again we flipped the thing and it just went out again, until we had pretty much everything unplugged, and it kept doing it.

At this point, we were getting desperate, and hunting in the kitchen for the power for the oven, the fridge, the microwave, and what we finally discovered was the smelly culprit, the dishwasher. (dramatic culprit music)

I should point out here that we did not discover this through intelligence and deductive reasoning, but by listening to the electric spark that it emitted, and smelling  the rank burning mechanical type smell that came out of it. Absolutely rank. For a terrible second we thought there was a mouse stuck in it somewhere, but thankfully there wasn't, that would have been groooooooosssss.

So this is at one thirty in the morning, and I finally got to sleep.

The kind of more deep and meaningful point of this post was going to be how astounded I was by the amount of appliances we have plugged in at all times. Its crazy! Forget relying fully on God, we are much better at relying on electricity...

It made me feel HUGELY vulnerable actually, it was quite scary...

FREEDOM IS MINE

scent of the pine, you know how I feel
stars when you shine, you know how I feel
FREEDOM IS MINE
and I know how I feel

oh I'm feeling good





in other news, I had a random thought.
it is odd and sometimes sad to be dependent on people who aren't dependent on you.
or just not to the same degree.
I want to make this HUGELY clear, right here.
I AM FINE.In fact, I'm better than fine, maths is over, I'm great!

But sometimes it strikes me as interesting, that you are what keeps me sane, but its not entirely a two way street.

Please, I beg you, don't get me wrong.

I love you guys, and I'm happy with the state of my life.
But, I just...you know, I just think too much :P