All the anger here, all the pain inside...

Something is very wrong.

My foot is glued to the accelerator, the break disintegrated into nightmare long ago.

I just wanted to cruise along, I just wanted to be happy and relaxed, but now I got sucked into this thing, and I'm just

Rushing rushing rushing rushing
trees, fences, houses, streetlights
rushingrushingrushingrushing
right on past me

as I am rushingrushingrushingrushingforward to this... this thing

This big black, howling, hungry thing.

And right before it, is this moment.

I can feel it coming.

My eyes are watering, begging me, pulling with every thread of desperation I have ever felt, pulling themselves closed, beseeching me to just let them go, just let them shut, let them rest, just let them fall right down and rest there, tired, exhausted, drained, empty, begging, completely desperate. Just let me close.
Just.
Let.
Me.
Close.

Please.

I can see it coming.

My hands are aching, splitting at the bone, pulling themselves away from the wheel, pleading for someone else to take control, to take the lead. Don't leave me hear at the helm of my own life, I can't trust myself, why should you? Don't make me fight through this, I can't, it will wrench me apart either way, so why bother? Muscles retracting themselves, pulling, pulling, pulling away from control, crying surrender, screaming at me to just let go.

Just.
Let.
Go.

I can feel it coming.

This moment, this decisive moment that I am rocketing towards.
This choice.

This choice between closing my eyes for that second, pulling my hands off the wheel and just saying 'OK, consume me, whatever, I can't do this anymore' or wrenching my foot off the pedal. Ripping my soul off of that pedal, shredding the skin, tendons and muscle and bone all exposed, all of me exposed, rip it of to slam raw flesh right back down again, find some trace of determination, some last drop of strength from somewhere, but where? Wherever it is, it's deep down, and drilling into the bedrock of yoruself, not pretty.

So what do I do?

As much as I would love to stay stuck in this moment, as much as I despise every second, I do not have that option. Pausing time, is not an option.

Give up and be shredded, or break out the dynamite and find something, and push into and through this big, black thing.

And even as I rush with all involuntary haste toward it, I cannot choose.

Even as I can see the light gleam in its eyes and feel its breath on my face...

I do not have an answer...

It's sad, but in the end it might be funny

I miss you. You aren't even gone, geographically. But I miss the real you, and I'm sure you do too.

This year (as I'm sure all the others will too actually) takes its toll on each of us, but it appears to have hit you the worst.(Note to everyone else, I am not forgetting you in this, I am just...being specific this time)

This makes me very sad, as I wonder if I should have been able to do something about it...

But you are not you at the moment, and I know you don't need to be told that.

This is not a guilt trip, definitely not. Because you are still lovely and you still listen to me whine even though I don't have a boyfriend to miss, or a care in the world regarding that matter. I think my wonderful family alone should be enough to shut me up with thankfulness, but turns out it isn't.

I just want to say... not in a guilt trippy way, that I am very excited to get my real best friend back. At the moment I get glimpses of her, and even in your current stress addled state you are still lovely.

But I can't wait for all of us to come back.

It'll happen, it has to.

And if it doesn't, I'm becoming a hermit in the Flinder's Ranges, please feed my tamagotchi.

I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you

Ok, so seriously, go ahead and be mad at me.
Really, go ahead.
And then go ahead and watch me not care.

You've been pissy and cranky and short tempered and snappy for weeks now, I'm done pretending it's alright. So yeah, the printer didn't work, and yeah, I was extremely stressed about my stupid essay. Lucky you, I'm glad the printer worked for you like magic this morning. Congrats, but guess what?
I don't care.

You appreciate that I'm stressed, but I have no right to talk to you that way?
Well cast your mind back to solos m'dear. You were stressed right, disappointed? You had no right to talk to me, or tinman, or beetle, or anyone the way you did.

So go ahead and be angry.
I must say, my fingers are crossed for the silent treatment.

I have gone astray...

I feel like everything in life needs more from me.

I need to do more study, more relaxing, more sleeping, more excercise, more praying, more bible reading, more seeking, more loving, more listening, more organising, more practice, more reading, more noting, more drafting more more more more more.

But what if there is no more?
No more time left to give, no more energy.

What if there is no more of me left in the tank, and its only term two!


♫right in this moment, this orders tall♫

The thing is, I know there is.
I know that there is always more of Gods strength, always more TV to not watch, but...

I think it comes down to the fact that i am selfish with myself.
I want to have part of me just for me.
My little slice of control, my claim on myself.
I don't want to be totally sold out, to anything.

Not to school, not to my friends or my family.
Certainly not to my God.
Because that would be risky wouldn't it, risky and scary and would take effort.

Something you should know about me if you haven't already noticed:
I'm pretty much inherently lazy.
Thats why my room is tidy, thats why I procrastinate, thats probably why I'm fat. (and please don't launch into telling me I'm not to, I'm in the slow process of getting less fat so my self esteem is fine [: )

So do I have a conclusion to this rant? (blah, essay structure in the brain)
No.
Well yes, but one that
SH
O
EPO
L
I


SH

(take that structure)

I doubt I will actually do, at least not to the extent that it needs doing.
But I need to try...
Or I will just have to get used to this feeling of 'steady digging into the earth' (ARGH)
and learn to enjoy this lovely little hole/grave/tunnel to nowhere I have dug myself.


Oh, and here's a poem I wrote. Read all the lines left to right first, as you would normally. Then go top to bottom with only the words on the left side of the indent. make sense? I hope so :)


LORD      I will not stop my search
Test away      Father, in your strength
I will       prove my choice to
follow you,      wherever you will
lead me.
Whichever       corner of this dear globe
you point        me to
toward          it I will march
I will          obey you, dearest LORD
go           before me and with me
I          will go
willl      love, will
live        with you,
for         you, in
you


I hope you like it, or at least can read it lol.

Without a song or a dance what are we?

I'm sick of being bad at my job.
Well, not as brilliant at it as he needs me to be.
ARGH AT MYSELF.
Do you know, after he roasted me, I was actually daydreaming about going back to maccas.
now thats sad.

I need to pray. And I shall do so tomorrow.
I will sleep in til i dunno, maybe ten/ten thirty.
get up and eat breakfast, get dressed.
Tidy my room so its nice again.
tidy some of the rest of the house to make my mum feel better.
and then do LOTS of journalling and praying and calming down so i dont completely freak out about going to work.
I need my eternal perspective back I think, and tomorrow I'm gonna go looking for it.


Ode to Coffee

Coffee,oh coffee
why must you tease so?
when i dont pour you right
and all funny you go.

My boss sends you back,
with half laugh on his lips
I stand and I stare
my hands on my hips

Coffee, oh coffee
you taste so damn fine
You keep me breathing
around exam time.

days spent without you
are painful and long
I love you so much
but I make you so wrong

Coffee, oh coffee
oh vessel of caffeine
you also taste awesome
but not made by me

I should give cesar a copy lol.
I think he'd laugh...


In other news...

Dear BBlemu
I am so sorry that you had to cancel the GNI.
We really did want to go!!
And we know long distance relationships are hard, but please don't give up on us.
Meetings might be short and far between, but we think of you and miss you often, and we will make it.
Just think, we'll be getting Ps soon!
And we are so sorry that we have had to choose our silly jobs over spending time with our favourite mental patient, but I work in a small business where I can't just take the night off, and Cindy is incapable of saying no (but ill teach her eventually).
We love you!!!!

I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar

Long days are gay.

I don't think I shall go into too much detail, because I'm sick of listening to myself whinge.

bet you kids are glad to hear that :P

basically, I'm sick of spending life dreading school, dreading work, dreading this, that or the other.

I'm over being over stuff.

I want my enjoyment back...

I want to snap out of it, but at the same time I don't want to.

Cos if I do, then I have to face the wave of stress and things undone that is just waiting for me to properly admit it's there...

oh dear...