No poem or song could put right what I got wrong

Titanic.

Widely known as the cheeriest movie ever.

-cough-

The first time I watched the titanic, I did not cry.

I did not cry when he dies, when they are freezing and dying and there seems to be no hope.

I did not cry when those left are saved.

I did not cry when it ends.

I am not even crying now, I am shuddering.

My poor affluent, spoiled, individualist little heart breaks, as that irish mother tells her children 'they'll get the first class people in the boats first and when it's our turn we'll be ready'

As the stone hearted first class mother says

'Will the lifeboats be seated according to class? I hope they aren't too crowded.
'Oh mother, shut up! Don't you understand? The water is freezing and there aren't enough boats. Not enough by half. Half the people on this ship are going to die.

'Not the better half.'

As the man hesitates, hesitates and then jumps into one of so few lifeboats and he sits there, trembling, he knows full well what he does. He knows that he has sacrificed their lives for his.

And I am sitting here, watching Jack freeze and Rose cry, as those in the boats flail around and listen to the cries for help slowly getting quieter, slowly fading away and my heart is breaking. Not because Kate Winslett just did her 'I'll never let go' bit.

Because I am Cal Hockley, pretending I am a childs last hope, to save myself, pretending to be good to save my own sorry skin.

I am Molly Brown, speaking up to little and too late, and sitting down.

I am saving my own skin.

Fifteen-hundred people went into the sea, when Titanic sank from under us. There were twenty boats floating nearby... and only one came back. One. Six were saved from the water, myself included. Six... out of fifteen-hundred. Afterward, the seven-hundred people in the boats had nothing to do but wait... wait to die... wait to live... wait for an absolution... that would never come.

I am the first class of the titanic, but goddamnit, I'm going back.

I'm going back to the scene of my crime and I'm going to make a difference.

But am I really?

Life is comfortable, poverty is far away...

I am too human.

But if I have to watch Titanic once a week and feel this agony all the time...

It's better than the regret of following the alternative.

I will not be those people...

Please god... help me to be better than I am, better than human.

take my heart, take my heart, kindle it with your heart.

take my heart, rekindle my heart.

What is this love? Why can I never hold it?

'Arms high and heart abandoned'

Heart abandoned, soul surrendered.

If you've abandoned something, you have left it for dead.

To abandon your heart, is to forsake emotion.

To decide that it doesn't matter how much that heart tells you its in pain and that you should be the one to make that stop, you will never step back; never stop searching.

That when that heart feels joy for the wrong thing, you will keep walking the road you know to be true and right. Not safe or comfortable, but right.

That when that heart that you no longer consider yours feels absolutely nothing at all, that this does not matter and you will keep going, keep walking, keep climbing, keep seeking.

To surrender your soul, is to give away the very essence of yourself.

To say that 'All I am is yours' is to forsake all other definitons.

I thought once that there's a difference between 'Hi, I'm Bob' and 'Hi, my name is Bob'.

Between 'This is who I am' and 'This is what they call me'.

I want to walk into a room and say 'Hey, I'm gods. My name is child, servant, devotee. My parents named me Louise, I like these names better.'

I would love to say that having a greater understanding of what it means to abandon my heart and surrender my soul, means I have done it.

I would love to say that having a better knowledge of what it means to be defined by my loving creator saviour god and nothing else, no-one else, not even myself means that I can let go of wanting esteem from others and from myself.

But I'm trying not to be a liar, so I won't say that.

But I will say that I will sing that song carefully.

Although, it does say 'I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned...my soul lord to you surrendered, all I am is yours'. 'I'll' meaning 'I will' not 'I do'. Future tense, not present.

If that makes sense to anyone but me.

Because one day I will, not today and probably not tomorrow, but one day.

Of this I am sure.

<3glitter