Because you say so under your breath

It comes crushing down on me sometimes, the realisation that you're gone.

You died.

You really, actually, died.

I went to your funeral, we filled it with crew.

We cried.

A lot.

The boys stood there with sunnies on, trying to be tough.

I hugged a lot of people.

I was sorry that I was quitting, I felt so much closer to so many people.

I really worked that shift where I could hardly serve for crying.

We really sat in the crew room and cried for an hour.

I really worked there.

You really existed.

I really knew you.

You really died.


istillcantlistentothepowerofyourlove

I think its time I put myself away...

It just doesn't fit.

I have my view of the world, as little and wrong and rigid as it is...

But I like it.

I like the world the way I see it, most of the time...

And this...

this huge, horrible, out of the blue thing...

it just doesn't fit in my head.

It's the wrong shape for the whole that she filled, a small one though it was, she had her little place in my little world...

And it's not even the hole...

It's the fact that it's there...

I don't know if the little shape faded away, or was wrenched out, or just went 'pop' and was suddenly not there. I don't know how it vanished, but I didn't see it go, didn't expect it.

Someone just called me and said "Oh, by the way, there's a new hole over there that you hadn't known about" in the middle of my modern history class...

On Tuesday, I whinged about doing aural, I sat with my friends at reccess, I had a voice lesson and stressed about my solo, I was bored in supervised, I worried about my pyschology, I worked 4-8, I served people cheesburgers and asked if they wanted coke, I drove home, I stalled the car trying to pull into the garage up our steep driveway...

but jayne...

Jayne died.