everything will be alright...

A few things on my mind tonight.

First, final assembly was disappointing and anti-climactic, but next week we will leave and not come back. This is....well I don't really know what it means to me right now. I am just very, very tired. So, a little sad, a little scared, a little happy, a little excited, a lot numbed.
A lot tired.


Second, I am so worried about you. Again. I thought maybe you were getting a little better, but then we talked properly again, and I see now I was very wrong. And I want to talk about you with somebody, but I'm assuming you haven't told many people, and I'm sure not going to assume to the contrary.

But far out I am worried...

Its like you fell into a hole. you fell into a hole, and everyone thinks you should be getting out of it by now, so you are standing on your toes and jumping up when they walk past to make it look like you are getting somewhere. They all believe you, but I come and sit by the hole and say 'hi', watching you and frowning intently. 'Whats wrong?' I ask. 'nothing', you say.  You try to tell me its fine, i don't believe you. I will keep frowning and keep saying hi, keep not believing your lie until you are ready to admit it.
But what more can I do?
I am increasingly thinking the answer may simply, and always, be...

'nothing'

No poem or song could put right what I got wrong

Titanic.

Widely known as the cheeriest movie ever.

-cough-

The first time I watched the titanic, I did not cry.

I did not cry when he dies, when they are freezing and dying and there seems to be no hope.

I did not cry when those left are saved.

I did not cry when it ends.

I am not even crying now, I am shuddering.

My poor affluent, spoiled, individualist little heart breaks, as that irish mother tells her children 'they'll get the first class people in the boats first and when it's our turn we'll be ready'

As the stone hearted first class mother says

'Will the lifeboats be seated according to class? I hope they aren't too crowded.
'Oh mother, shut up! Don't you understand? The water is freezing and there aren't enough boats. Not enough by half. Half the people on this ship are going to die.

'Not the better half.'

As the man hesitates, hesitates and then jumps into one of so few lifeboats and he sits there, trembling, he knows full well what he does. He knows that he has sacrificed their lives for his.

And I am sitting here, watching Jack freeze and Rose cry, as those in the boats flail around and listen to the cries for help slowly getting quieter, slowly fading away and my heart is breaking. Not because Kate Winslett just did her 'I'll never let go' bit.

Because I am Cal Hockley, pretending I am a childs last hope, to save myself, pretending to be good to save my own sorry skin.

I am Molly Brown, speaking up to little and too late, and sitting down.

I am saving my own skin.

Fifteen-hundred people went into the sea, when Titanic sank from under us. There were twenty boats floating nearby... and only one came back. One. Six were saved from the water, myself included. Six... out of fifteen-hundred. Afterward, the seven-hundred people in the boats had nothing to do but wait... wait to die... wait to live... wait for an absolution... that would never come.

I am the first class of the titanic, but goddamnit, I'm going back.

I'm going back to the scene of my crime and I'm going to make a difference.

But am I really?

Life is comfortable, poverty is far away...

I am too human.

But if I have to watch Titanic once a week and feel this agony all the time...

It's better than the regret of following the alternative.

I will not be those people...

Please god... help me to be better than I am, better than human.

take my heart, take my heart, kindle it with your heart.

take my heart, rekindle my heart.