It's sad, but in the end it might be funny

I miss you. You aren't even gone, geographically. But I miss the real you, and I'm sure you do too.

This year (as I'm sure all the others will too actually) takes its toll on each of us, but it appears to have hit you the worst.(Note to everyone else, I am not forgetting you in this, I am just...being specific this time)

This makes me very sad, as I wonder if I should have been able to do something about it...

But you are not you at the moment, and I know you don't need to be told that.

This is not a guilt trip, definitely not. Because you are still lovely and you still listen to me whine even though I don't have a boyfriend to miss, or a care in the world regarding that matter. I think my wonderful family alone should be enough to shut me up with thankfulness, but turns out it isn't.

I just want to say... not in a guilt trippy way, that I am very excited to get my real best friend back. At the moment I get glimpses of her, and even in your current stress addled state you are still lovely.

But I can't wait for all of us to come back.

It'll happen, it has to.

And if it doesn't, I'm becoming a hermit in the Flinder's Ranges, please feed my tamagotchi.

I'm not sayin' it was your fault, although you could have done more

I still dream about you.
Embarassingly often.
Like seriously, if you ever find out how much you're on my mind, or in my dreams...
Well I'm screwed, because you'll be too weirded out to speak to me ever again, and I'll just get worse.
I had a dream within a dream, about English being horrible.
Woke up from the dream within the dream, had a whinge to Shaz and Catherine, they were coming over for some reason. As we walked through the house I discovered it was full of people, from all of my different little circles.
School friends, Church friends, Old work mates, a couple of my favourite netball girls, some family and of course, the old family friends. You. Well you and your brother and your best friend.

You were cooking something, you were wearing oven mits and standing in the kitchen. Your brother and best friends were sitting around on the benches, demanding that you make them a sandwich.

You laughed, put down whatever it was (bits of oven maybe?) and looked up and saw me.
And you were... well happy to see me. I got me a massive hug from you and your brother, and other people from my life started popping up.
Two from separate circles appeared to be suddenly a couple, which was very weird, but overall it was just awesome fun.

And even though it was your face only in a sea of others that I adore so much, I only remembered the dream and made myself remember because you were there.

And I miss you.
And you don't reply to anything.

And you will never be who I imagined you to be, but part of me still doesn't know that.

And I wonder if I will ever stop dreaming of you.

andpartofmedoesn'twantto

the food that im eating is suddenly tasteless

A borrowed/stolen idea.

Just for once...

I wish that I could shut my mouth before I'm asked
I wish that I could finish something before its due
I wish that I knew what to say in defense of myself against myself
I wish I would not let myself relive my mistakes
I wish I was nice to be around
I wish I was a builder uper not a tearer downererer.
I wish I wouldn't take out my frustrations on my sister.
I wish the paranoia was 100% gone
I wish I hadn't dated him
I wish people would forget that I did
I wish I could forget that I did
I wish I could sleep for a few weeks with no consequences
I wish I hadn't been forced to quit my job
I wish I didn't have to miss you
I wish I wasn't so irritable
I wish I could think of my own blog ideas...

I've had some learning both unwelcome and unkind...

And as the old year took a bow and joined the setting sun, it comes around again like a refrain,
And we all sing along and think of things we should have done, till one year when the new year never came

This song keeps getting stuck in my head, I dunno why. It's very pretty (dear Leish, you must get a copy of chimney's afire, basically, I should hurry up and burn you a copy.)

Today has been... Varied.
I had to bite my lip to keep from telling a certain my-subject-rules-over-all teacher (Yeah I know, that doesn't narrow it down) that he should lay off and appreciate that I tried to do it and because I was so bored exhausted I couldn't take anything in so there was no point in continuing.
And that I had to work.
And that it was my birthday party, which we will now never have to worry about again, because I won't have another for twelve months (unbirthday party anyone?[we should have a giant unbirthday party to celebrate the premier of Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland]) and in twelve months I will be lazing around being happy and bored, and painting old cars and furniture and leaving them places and taking lots of photos and enjoying the fact that I got into my uni course but don't have to do any work yet.

I desperately need want to do all those crazy things we said we'd do that night when everything was fine...
Oh, and I really wanted to tell him to put his head back up his ass where he found it.
Too far?

And yeah, I'm over-reacting, I was grumpy!


But then you dudes arrived, much to my happiness, hyperactivity and regression into feeling totally like a year eleven again. But it's been worth it, to see the funny little things you do when you subconsciously still act like students.

Librarian: 'If you're sitting here you need to be quiet and be working'
Non-students with withdrawal symptoms: -nodd- 'Yep' -reach for non existent schoolbag-

I love you guys, you're awesome.
And I shall be calling you (particulary my wife shortstuff) at 3 am when I can't think straight to do my homework. And I shall do so on my hamburger phone.

:D :D :D :D :D :D

I could breathe a little more than I would realise

I have found a song that seems to fit with this year really well.
It was playing in my headphones as Leisha, Lauren and I were reflecting on the beauty of public shamelessness, or at least singing and dancing like losers. We were wondering why we didn't catch on earlier, but thats not what this post is about...

You can call me crazy, you can call me what you will
You can take the bitter pill if it helps you sleep at night

To me that means that you can be bitter and judgemental and pissy if you want, if it helps you feel better, but it makes no difference to me. Unfortunately I do not think this is true for me, I care too much about the opinions of others, but I want it to be true.

It's a long, long way my crooked friend
It's a long long way back home
So close, yet we've come so farSo close, still we've got so far

For me this is about life, specifically year twelve, school.
It's a long way to the finish, but we truly have come so far, in our education, our knowledge, our relationships, ourselves. It's a pretty cool thought really, but will be cooler at the end of this year lol.

I can safely say we feel as safe as we like,

For some reason this seems to me to be about the level of control we have over our emotions and our responses to stress, to the world. This year is as good as we make it.
Lest we forget those who died, I never will

Now I know you guys who graduated in '09 aren't exactly dead, but I think this line is about you, I'll never forget you, and I miss you all the time (I keep expecting you to walk into the common room and either sit on me or kick us out, or both).

Such a perfect Island, tucked away in the sea,
A real land of the free, do you hear me?

For me I think this is actually about Australia itself, but to a certain extent, the freedom we are constantly aiming and reaching for, and that we kind of already have, or pieces of it.

It's a long, long way my crooked friend, 
Such a long long way back home


So close, but we've come so far

The time of your life...

Say it ain't so

I will not go

Turn the lights off

Carry me home

na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na
na na na na na na na na na na

Think of me, trying to hard to put you from my mind

Dear Stuff,
Dear last beer bottle into the fridge, I love you, you make me smile as you slide cosily into your position.
Much love,
<3glitter Dear people drinking only one of a type of beer that no one else likes I hate you, just drink the same beer as everyone else, k? Looking forward to not having to glass you in frustration, <3gliTter Dear self, You suck, you are not very good at remembering things or being organised. You really should use your diary, and get off your ass and do what needs to be done. You have parking practice, piano, slum survivor and a VOC studies assignment to do tomorrow. You do too many things. Stop. <3glitter Dear dreams, you are hurtful because you are happy and not true. You make me annoyed at myself for being half awake and deciding to stay in that dream place, cos it felt like pretty much all I wanted for a VERY long time. You make me sad and regretty feeling, because you have shown me that I still want what I used to want, ridiculous as it is. Ridiculous and non-existent, seeing I have built it up in my ivory tower of imagination. You make me sad, and afraid of heights. at least you did not torture me with blowflies. thanking you for minute mercies, <3glitter Dear Person, you suck. You are not, never will be and possibly never have been who I built you up to be. This is my fault. I don't care, you still suck. <3glitter Dear other person, you remind me so much of the first one that it is literally painful. you talk like he does, you have a jacket like he does, you have friends like his. You make fun of me like he does, but make it funny like he does. You deliver pizzas like he used to. i wonder if you drink as much as he does. i certainly hope not. Please do not pour your life down the drain even as he pours toxic liquids down his throat and i try I try so desperately to get his life back out of the drain, even though theres nothing anyone can really do but him. Please do not put yourself through what I hope so desperately is a phase. Please stay like him, but not him. Cos I will seriously go totally bonkers if your hair changes colour, you need glasses and start playing hockey. If you ever call me emo, I will undoubtedly snap and as we discussed this evening as I gritted my teeth and tried not to think about the other person, the laser shooting eye thing, meant to be a secret. Call me frenchy all you like (the beret was asking for it I guess), but don't call me emo. for both our sakes... This is random,I hardly know you, but still <3gliTter Dear Blogger, Stop taking out all my enters when I edit this post. And stop putting in labels i didnt want so I have to edit it again. You are frustrating and addictive, -sigh-

you'll learn to hate me

I shouldn't be listening to this song.
I shouldn't be but I am.

Funny how often that applies to me...

For example, I shouldn't be letting myself think of friday so much so early in the week...

Damn I miss you so bad...

It's not even turning into psycho like usual, just this aching longing for your company.

Stupid friends lol.


<3gliTter

im growing old, ive been told that it wont last

how did I forget how much I miss you?

Oh gosh....

I was almost considering not having a birthday party, but i need a good solid excuse to have all my favourite people all together again...

You are my little sunshine of randomness, I could never find anyone like you in the world. Totally and utterly one of a kind.

I mean, everybody is. Which sounds really 'everyones special which means no-one is' but there is just something so obviously deliciously odd about you.

My little bblemu...they better look after you over at bitchschool (ive named it that because its all girls and all girls are bitchy sometimes lol) or I will have to uh...

Be very sad?

I dunno, but I can't wait to see you, it better happen soon.

Oh and be warned, im gonna hug you so hard your lungs puncture :D

<3buBbles