she was drinking tea in the garden

So I decided it was about time I put a post up again, and push out that horrible angsty one that's there right now haha. So...
So I don't know, I'm trying to find a way to pin down a single one of the squillion things swirling about in my brain right now.

As much as I'd like to write about the things that are happening around me, they are not mine to write about. I'm concerned about them, certainly, and deeply, but I know I can't properly understand what the people around me are going through, because I'm not in their respective positions.

So, I'm gonna talk about the future.

It's just occurred to me that its, you know, real. And headed towards us.
Not just university, although that's exciting and terrifying enough all by itself, but that, realistically, is only 4 years. And for the exact purpose of going out and living a real life. We're no longer aiming for courses, we're aiming for professions, lifestyles. Reality. (ok, so we haven't got Uni offers yet, and we are still technically aiming for courses, but my point still stands)

I dunno, really. I guess it just hit me that 'the future, it's here, it's bright, it's now...'

And as for you, you still make me angry. I would still talk to you if I were to see you in person, and I want good things for you, and all the usual cliched 'i forgive you but i still don't like to be around you' things. (And, on a side note, I know that it isn't up to me to forgive you or not)
But this whole thing that you keep repeating on your tumblr, about not knowing what life is really like until school is over... I have to put my two cents out there.

I might be being naiive, and I suspect this is the case, but I've had and quit two jobs, planned, funded and helped lead a four week overseas trip without my parents, I've had my heart broken, I've made mistakes, I've had my very identity questioned and I have answered.
I've had friends and lost friends and made new ones, said stupid things, hurt people and tried to make it better, swallowed my pride when I didn't think I was wrong.
I've given so much of myself at times that I can't function, loved people so deeply and worried so intensely that I can't sleep or think straight.
I've been so scared I cannot breathe.
I've been lucky enough to count people as family who aren't, I've had a ridiculously blessed life, I know this.
But I've cried so hard I feel like I'll explode, I've laughed so hard I've cried, I've loved, I've lost, I believe I've lived.
There is much, much more of life to come, I know that.

But I can't believe that the last 17 years have been nothing, and despite still being a child, fresh out of highschool, still living at home and out of my parents wallet, I will not be patronised.

its completely up to us

This week the trend was to crash and burn and then return again to practice the life that I pretend provides enough to get me through the weekend. I know that I don't want to die sitting around watching my life go by and what we take from this is what we'll get and we haven't quite figured it out just yet because all of us are all too stuck. Ttrapped to a chair watching our lives blow up

stuck watching our lives blow up.

you gave me a solution, what have I done with it?

cause I was absolutely sure I had it all figured out way back then, but after this day it's this week all over again.

And lately the weather, has been so Bi-polar and Consequently so have I.

Our concentration it contains a deadly flaw, change from words to blah, blah blah. We took prescription drugs but look how much good that did. Well I think I had a point, but I just got distracted

Lately it just seems to me like we've got the letters A.D.D. branded into our mentality we simply can't focus on anything.

That one thing of the moment that we all happen to like will only very temporarily kinda break the cycle of the double edged sword of being lazy and being bored. We just want more and more and more till it's all we can afford

To keep our eyes open for just one more day

To keep on hoping that we'll stumble on a way

To keep our minds open for just one more day

cause its completely up to us to maintain consciousness

well no one can possibly listen to this

more than 4 reps is just monotonous

we're losing interest, losing interest, losing interest 

cause its completely up to us to maintain consciousness

-Shamozzle of Relient K

I saw the future out the window of a plane...

So, I've done it again, a little bit.
But its different this time, so different.
Because it is rather small and I have not let myself get carried away.
I have... focussed, on the future. Like I said to hamster, I can't see it, necessarily, but I can feel it.

I can see that there is a season for everything within it. A time for all of my different god given gifts to be used, a time to be wise and a time to be loud, a time to be behind the scenes and a time to be on stage. A time for here and a time for there, wherever there is. A time for just me, and a time for maybe a family...

So that is why I am not freaking out about it.
Because with Jesus, when nothing else matters, everything else that matters is fulfilled.

My future decided

But after this day its this week all over again...

Ok, so school sucks. We'll get that off my chest straight away.
School sucks and tonight is my last shift at my dodgy job, which is 60% hurrah and 40% 'Oh bollocks I have to actually verbally acknowledge this with my employer now, -TERRIFIED-'

After that I don't know what there is really.
And thats extremely sad.

And I am extremely... bored.
Bored with this whole repetitious cycle thing.
Let me give you a step by step guide to an average school day for me...

1. Wake up at seven thirty
2. Wake up again and actually get up at 8.
3. Apologise to whichever teacher it is for being late
4. Lessons
5. Spend reccess being bored and tired
6. See step 4.
7. See step 5
8.Home
9. Procrastinate
10. Finally start doing some real work at about 8, 8:30
11. Finally go to bed at about 11.
12. Actually go to sleep somewhere between 12 and 1.
13. Repeat steps 1 through 12.

Wow, incredible isn't it?

I'm not counting down the hours to easter camp or anything... not at all

(if you're interested, its 116 at the moment)

Next year all our troubles will be far away...

I keep getting 'Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas' stuck in my head.
There is something so desperately sad about that hopefulness.
Does that make sense?

That line that I put in the title always gets me, because the heartbroken pessimist living in my mind wordlessly cries out without fail, 'no they won't' and it just...brings me to weeping. That song is the broken hearted Christmas carol, calling out to all humanity to 'let your heart be light '. Just, just let go of it.


That song is Carol sitting in her lounge room on christmas eve curled up tight like she'll fall out of her own chest if she lets go, listening to a playlist on her iPod

And Carol, she gets up. She pries her hands from her knees and her chin from her knees and her knees from her chest and she does not fall out of herself. Something incredible happens. The pain falls out instead.

She picks herself up and goes to a carols service, and to family christmas. She lets her heart be light.


Please forgive my chronic sentimentality and punism, I have been watching Grey's Anatomy.

And I have one last bit, that I wrote as my facebook status, stands alone really but I wanted to put it up here cos I really like it.

'Human life is incredible, there is an unbelievably strange mix of hope, joy, agony and desperation in the idea of waiting for an organ donation and Silent Night and O Holy Night are possibly the most beautiful songs in the world done right.'

we're holding up the bypass

Sometimes I have this need curiosity.
About you.
I used to know you, so, so well. Or I thought I did at least, until we were done with that part of us and I discovered all the skary skeletons in your kloset.
I thought we ended so cleanly, but sometimes you only find the worm in the apple when you cut it open, even if that cut seemed to be so clean and sweet and easy, worm juice. Bitter and sticky and all pervading.
That was those months before you found the new place to fit yourself, where you fit properly and truly like I thought we had but we hadn't.
But that is all in the past now, the way we treated each other whether lovingly or bitterly, the antagonisation that you thought didn't matter, the tears and the yelling and the text messages I made myself delete but think of often. The days spent watching silly english comedy and making out on your couch. I ate hot cross buns with your mother, talked about you and her boyfriend with your sister, and made polite if awkward conversation with your dad. We went shopping for plasticine and candles in cheap-as-chips at seaford and I went back there the other day, realising that the last time I was there was with you, helping you with bio all those ages and stages ago.

All of it is in the past, the good, the bad and the ugly, on both sides.

And now we are friends again. We took our bloody time getting here, but here we are.
And these questions come up. They have lost a lot of the emotion behind them now, but part of me still wants to know, in a curiosity way, rather than a desperation way.

Why didn't you ever call me beautiful until worm juice?
Why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't I let myself see it?

Did you really love me, and if you did, had you loved anyone before me?
I suppose I want to see if we matched up.
I don't know that what I felt for you was entirely love, but I thought it was at the time, and that certainly means a lot.
I always thought you were beautiful, a lot of the time I still do, in an odd objective unemotional way, a calm contented reminiscence of the way we used to be, it's much easier now.
I'm finding that the only things that are still raw are the things I never let myself do until now, like listening to that song. That was still hard, but thats because I didn't let myself go through the pain to have the gain of contentedness.
And I almost always think you're funny.

I think you were the first person I loved that way. I know I had him before you, but much too much of that was fear. Like I said, I know that I will love someone more truly and strongly than I did you, one day in the future, just as you now love her. It's beautiful to see you together. I remember that I told you once that you'd make someone very happy and I wish that could be me, and you didn't want to hear it.
It came true, and that is intensely beautiful.

I heard once that you never really get over someone until you love someone else more than you loved them.
I don't believe that this is true. You have to be very, very brave to get through the seemingly endless stage when it feels like that is true, but its not. This knowledge is a huge comfort to me, as I hum my way along through life connecting with as many people as I can in hopefully a deep way, loving and validating people as we all walk down this road together, all walking in different ways but the same direction.

Some march, some crawl, some skip, some strut. Everyone does bits of it all.

I've marched, I've crawled, I've skipped, I've strutted. Now I hope to spin, looking forward to the future, back to the past, sideways to the people around me, and into myself.

I know you used to read this, I don't think you do anymore.
If you do, and you feel like answering all these questions, go ahead. If you do and you don't want to answer, then don't. If you don't read it, this will never matter.

It matters a lot, but not in an agony way, in a significant painful part of my young life being over way.

Looking forward to our continuing degrees of normal.

what if there was no time...

A wish list...

1. A little place of my own, close to where I work, study, worship, close to friends.

2. Or even, a bigger place, shared with said people. Three or four of, a nice community thingo. So that I only have to do one chore all the time. Dear future roomates, SHOT GUN DOING THE LAUNDRY :)

or a combination of the two over the years.

3. The kind of place where I can just say 'yeah sure, come right over, make yourself at home. Sure, stay for dinner! Sure, stay the night! Midnight cookie dough? sure thing!' A place for me to be wicked hospitable, to always have guests coming out, the type of guests who care about my company and having fun, not spotlessness.

4. Somewhere to watch the sunset.

5. Somewhere to watch the sunrise, when I manage to get up for it.

6. Somewhere close to a coffee shop.

7. The kind of job I can go to only during the day, work with people who make me smile and laugh, work hard but not so fast I feel like my hair is gonna fly off and the kinda place I can leave feeling like I did what I was meant to. Work to do well and leave there.

Overall, the kind of life when I could wake up, not know what day it is until I open a diary, realise everything is all laid out and going to go swimmingly, and go through the day not needing to know what time it is, just being full immersed in whatever I'm doing.

The kind of life that is great just the way it is, the kind of life that good things just happen to. Good people don't need to be searched for, they just kind of arrive through different ways.

A life of spontaneity, contentment, creativity and closeness with God.

The kind of life that doesn't leave me looking to the future and wondering about husbands and children and all that stuff that is great when you have it, but terrible when you are too aware of not having it.

I want the future to just kind of roll on in, I don't want to sit here waiting for it.

I don't want to sit here waiting for my man.

I want to live.

blueberries in the fridge

lifes a tragedy
lifes a drama
lifes a comedy

at my expense.

lifes a soapie

but damn its a beautiful stage