I'm not in love, this time, this night

So, its been a long time since I wrote anything here, but as I am very busy not listening to my english lecture, and I was looking at this blog the other day. Since the header photo is oh so pretty (and no, I'm not blowing my own trumpet here, check the disclaimer) and this blog holds so much of the past, I figured it was worth pretending to maintain.

I found it really interesting, rereading the last post, and even more so again that I've not written here since then...

If I was meant to have had my 'wow, this is real life' moment already, I must have missed it. Yeah ok, school was sheltered, I know that. But I don't feel that I've magically stepped into real life. In fact, I feel that I've just learnt to do a much better job of avoiding it, which certainly can't last.

So I don't know where I'm at, if i'm honest, or why I'm writing this, or why I am so tired.

But I guess that's just my reality right now...

Frame me and hang me on the wall

Ok, I won't deny, this trivial stuff is getting to me today.

I am sick of feeling like I am not being listened to.
I am sick of the 'just in case' policy. The 'just in case' policy leaves you with 50 million times more stuff than you needed.
I am sick of trying to get this organised between so many people.
I am sick of your tension.
I am sick of my tension.
I am sick of my hypocrisy.
I just want to be there already, and relax.

So, valid point, I need more sleep, and my fatigue is making everything more annoying.
But for crying out loud, did I not say all of this twice already??

Dear Louise,

Hi there Louise, You've reached your brain. 
I'm full of essays and poetry and piano and music theory and mise en scene right now, so I will happily forget that you wanted to contact me, as well as that essay and the fact that you should be reasonable and go to bed early. Leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you. Maybe.


-beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

I didn't know what life was

For a start, a random start.

It makes me happy to see your name popping up in my inbox, even though they are only facebook alerts. It makes me happy, because we are in touch, and often. Doesn't matter that its about random pointless stuff, its contact. And I never want to lose it, you are too awesome.

My mum tells me I went through this phase of screaming myself to sleep.

Not crying, screaming.

Not cos I was scared, cos I didn't want to go to sleep.

I still resist it.

e.g. right now.

1 in the morning, I have to work tomorrow, I don't even care.

I don't want to go to bed, goodness only knows why.

I know I'll be fairly happy when I get there, get to sleep.

I don't know why, but I know I always have.

any ideas anyone?

yay for psychologically self diagnosing :D

marvelling and passing time

ive been staring at the sky tonight, wondering what to do with daylight

until I can get myself together again.
I just feel so.....
dry.
Dried up and sleepy.
I need to have a day, or a week, of non-production.

I'm always producing things.
Always DOING. It's like I'm always giving my energy and time away, always giving.
I don't want that to sound like 'oooh, Im so generous!'
I don't mean like, money to charity or stuff like that.

But I'm always doing something. I'm either at school, trying to concentrate and get through my workload without dying of sleepiness, at one of my two current workplaces or trying to balance them, or at choir or at youth or at netball or somewhere.
And If I'm at home, I'm trying to get assignments done, or just trying to make myself get assignments done, or just rushing between two of the above.

I need a day off, a proper day off. Not just from school and from work, but from doing.



On a different note, I had a weird thought the other day.
When you're meeting a new person, do you say 'Hi, I'm Bob' or 'Hi, my names Bob'.

For some reason I feel like theres a difference between 'This is who I am' and 'This is what they call me'. I'm not quite sure what you could actually read into either of them, but still.

I just thought that was weird.
<3glitter>JAMES IS GAY!