I'll send you all my promises across the sea

Dear Future Husband, whoever and wherever you may be.

I must warn you of some things. I feel that if you are going to spend a large proportion of your life putting up with them, you should be given a lot of time to get used to them, conceptually at least.

1. I have a slightly expensive habbit/love/addiction of tea in all its many flavours and infusions. Start saving now. And tasting too.

2. I have an unhealthy affection for flash games. Not sure what is to be done about this... any ideas?

3. I often make a cup of tea and leave it on the bench, satisfied with only the proccess, to remember it and want to drink it half an hour later. Tea is not the same post-microwave.

4. I am full of pointless pipe dreams and hypothetical scenarios. I should write more and fantasize less.

5. I am nearly unbearably messy, disorganised, forgetful and un-punctual. I have very limited regard for order, both of objects (excluding books, CDs DVDs and the presentation of art) and of the ever ticking minutes. If I am meant to be somewhere, chances are I may have begun getting ready. Unless it is more than fifteen minutes away, in which case I will still be asleep. Please buy a very loud alarm clock and endeavour to become naturally organised. You couldn't possibly be worse than me, and if you are, prepare for one hell of a rollercoaster of missed deadlines, lost details and 'sorry-we're-late's.

6. And this is the big one, pretty much a summary.
I am a hurricane. With a multicoloured, multitextured wake of sheet music, clothing, shoes and scraps of paper both life shattering and menial, I am a hurricane. Physically destructive and disorderly, and emotional explosive. Extreme. If I am happy, I'll bubble over. If I'm angry, give me something to break that is of no consequence and run, or give me something to scream at. If I'm sad, let me cry on you and hold me very tightly. If I'm content, it will be tangible, but mostly I must warn you about the effect stress has on me. I carry a lot of tension in my lower back and in my feet. I will whinge about this, sorry in advance. These will sometimes cramp up. I will whinge about this, sorry in advance. I become hugely snappy, and I swear a lot. Consider earplugs.


Oh, and a small practical sidenote. We should buy all our crockery and glassware cheap from opshops. Like I said, I'm a hurricane.

Sorry in advance, for all of me.

or is it the noise of irony and boredom fighting it out for first place?

To my dearest lovely darling girl,

im sorry

I thought I should say it big because I mean it big...

I know you pointed out a few times that you aren't that mad, but I'm mad at me.

Cos I've kinda been there you know.

And still I'm a dumbass...

story of my life really, I learn important things slowly.

I can remember names, stupid acronyms for psychology.

But not how it felt to stand it pretty much the same place as you are.

until its too late.

Honestly, I think I take out my hidden bitterness at being alone on the people who aren't.

wow.

that was random and deep...

and true, I'm not actually alone.

Cos you know, friends and family and community.

And, you know. God.

lol.

But I am stupid.

So now maybe you know some of what it was like to be me at that sleepover that sad time when we cried at the notebook and you hid under a bed and annoyed me and they put a tomato in my ear and i had to call the pizza place cos Giccy was afraid of the phone and we played truth or dare and i got referenced and I nearly broke down right then and there.

But I should know a lot about what its like to feel like that.

And maybe I now I should know a little more like what it felt like to be her...to say something not so smart but you were kinda venting more than anything and didn't want to hurt the person you were just kinda making a joke and kinda being bitter...

So, in conclusion

im sorry

and for the record, it doesn't actually bother me.

Honest to goodness it doesn't.

It doesn't bother me that you won (not in the slightest, honest to god) and it doesn't bother me that you're a bit couply.

cos you aren't that bad.

I just...

I just get bitter and stupid you know?

And for the record again, I think its great that she doesn't get under your skin. I really want to find a way to not be bothered by it. I don't even know what 'it' is.

So yeah...

im sorry

and the other comment?

the 'you'll find that out before me'. it definitely came out of a place of bitterness and insecurity and dumbassery. so I'm very specifically sorry for that.

and guess what

I love you too :)

Without a song or a dance what are we?

I'm sick of being bad at my job.
Well, not as brilliant at it as he needs me to be.
ARGH AT MYSELF.
Do you know, after he roasted me, I was actually daydreaming about going back to maccas.
now thats sad.

I need to pray. And I shall do so tomorrow.
I will sleep in til i dunno, maybe ten/ten thirty.
get up and eat breakfast, get dressed.
Tidy my room so its nice again.
tidy some of the rest of the house to make my mum feel better.
and then do LOTS of journalling and praying and calming down so i dont completely freak out about going to work.
I need my eternal perspective back I think, and tomorrow I'm gonna go looking for it.


Ode to Coffee

Coffee,oh coffee
why must you tease so?
when i dont pour you right
and all funny you go.

My boss sends you back,
with half laugh on his lips
I stand and I stare
my hands on my hips

Coffee, oh coffee
you taste so damn fine
You keep me breathing
around exam time.

days spent without you
are painful and long
I love you so much
but I make you so wrong

Coffee, oh coffee
oh vessel of caffeine
you also taste awesome
but not made by me

I should give cesar a copy lol.
I think he'd laugh...


In other news...

Dear BBlemu
I am so sorry that you had to cancel the GNI.
We really did want to go!!
And we know long distance relationships are hard, but please don't give up on us.
Meetings might be short and far between, but we think of you and miss you often, and we will make it.
Just think, we'll be getting Ps soon!
And we are so sorry that we have had to choose our silly jobs over spending time with our favourite mental patient, but I work in a small business where I can't just take the night off, and Cindy is incapable of saying no (but ill teach her eventually).
We love you!!!!

a dandy caucus race

I'm sorry.

Again.

I'm sorry for that awful night and now I'm sorry for yesterday...

well the second half of yesterdays blog.

was it yesterday?

who gives a damn.

I...

I know it's not exclusive. I just...

I don't even know why I said that, all I know is I'm sorry I did.

And I'd love to try and get into Austen and join the blog club, if you'll have a paranoid non mouth shutting idiot like me.

I know that this is something I need to work on, and I know this has happened before, but I hope you'll forgive me anyway.



I love you, don't forget that.

If I didn't, I wouldn't be paranoid.

Hopefully I can love you and not be paranoid.

Cos I can't scrap the first bit, never in a million years.

Again, I'm sorry.



<3glitter