we are all at sea...

Sometimes I read/think/hear/see my own name and feel incredibly distant from myself all of a sudden, like when you are talking to someone and turn around to realise they aren't there, and have not been for several minutes/sentences/confessions.
Like when you have rested your hand on your leg in the same place for a long time and forget it is there, to look down at it, see it, not feel it, and freak out a little on the inside.
Like when you are holding up your weight by a rope and someone swiftly chops it with a cheese knife.
Like when you forget the reality of your own name.

Oh wait, it is exactly that.

sometimesithinkiamslowlysteadilysurelylosinglargepiecesofmyselfandnotnecessarilyinagoodway

What is this love? Why can I never hold it?

'Arms high and heart abandoned'

Heart abandoned, soul surrendered.

If you've abandoned something, you have left it for dead.

To abandon your heart, is to forsake emotion.

To decide that it doesn't matter how much that heart tells you its in pain and that you should be the one to make that stop, you will never step back; never stop searching.

That when that heart feels joy for the wrong thing, you will keep walking the road you know to be true and right. Not safe or comfortable, but right.

That when that heart that you no longer consider yours feels absolutely nothing at all, that this does not matter and you will keep going, keep walking, keep climbing, keep seeking.

To surrender your soul, is to give away the very essence of yourself.

To say that 'All I am is yours' is to forsake all other definitons.

I thought once that there's a difference between 'Hi, I'm Bob' and 'Hi, my name is Bob'.

Between 'This is who I am' and 'This is what they call me'.

I want to walk into a room and say 'Hey, I'm gods. My name is child, servant, devotee. My parents named me Louise, I like these names better.'

I would love to say that having a greater understanding of what it means to abandon my heart and surrender my soul, means I have done it.

I would love to say that having a better knowledge of what it means to be defined by my loving creator saviour god and nothing else, no-one else, not even myself means that I can let go of wanting esteem from others and from myself.

But I'm trying not to be a liar, so I won't say that.

But I will say that I will sing that song carefully.

Although, it does say 'I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned...my soul lord to you surrendered, all I am is yours'. 'I'll' meaning 'I will' not 'I do'. Future tense, not present.

If that makes sense to anyone but me.

Because one day I will, not today and probably not tomorrow, but one day.

Of this I am sure.

<3glitter

ive never been to alaska but i can tell you this...

christopher simeon
lucas timothy
elliette jayne

and yes, elliette is a girls name, no i didnt make it up.
my cousin was going out with a girl named elliette, she just went by elli.

mario kart love song for a wedding first dance, assuming i marry a geek.

there you go, an insight into my personal maternal weirdness.

told you you weren't the only one leish.

<3glitter

howcanistandherewithyouandnotbemovedbyyou?

marvelling and passing time

ive been staring at the sky tonight, wondering what to do with daylight

until I can get myself together again.
I just feel so.....
dry.
Dried up and sleepy.
I need to have a day, or a week, of non-production.

I'm always producing things.
Always DOING. It's like I'm always giving my energy and time away, always giving.
I don't want that to sound like 'oooh, Im so generous!'
I don't mean like, money to charity or stuff like that.

But I'm always doing something. I'm either at school, trying to concentrate and get through my workload without dying of sleepiness, at one of my two current workplaces or trying to balance them, or at choir or at youth or at netball or somewhere.
And If I'm at home, I'm trying to get assignments done, or just trying to make myself get assignments done, or just rushing between two of the above.

I need a day off, a proper day off. Not just from school and from work, but from doing.



On a different note, I had a weird thought the other day.
When you're meeting a new person, do you say 'Hi, I'm Bob' or 'Hi, my names Bob'.

For some reason I feel like theres a difference between 'This is who I am' and 'This is what they call me'. I'm not quite sure what you could actually read into either of them, but still.

I just thought that was weird.
<3glitter>JAMES IS GAY!