Unending love, amazing grace

If God wasn't the creator of the universe and everything, all-knowing and whatnot, I am certain I would confuse him very much.

Because although he has taken the punishment for every single wrong thing I have ever done, am doing and ever will do, I insist on feeling guilty and punishing myself anyway.

He has set me free, removed my chains.

And I insist upon putting them back on again. Wearing my mistakes like some sort of sick masochistic jewelry.

If God wasn't so smart, I'm sure he'd be confused.

I mean, my troubles aren't even pretty!
They aren't even sparkly or beautiful in that Romeo-and-Juliet way that sometimes happens.
I procrastinate, I get tired, I get over-emotional.
The end.



sowhydoikeepdoingthis?

I think its time I put myself away...

It just doesn't fit.

I have my view of the world, as little and wrong and rigid as it is...

But I like it.

I like the world the way I see it, most of the time...

And this...

this huge, horrible, out of the blue thing...

it just doesn't fit in my head.

It's the wrong shape for the whole that she filled, a small one though it was, she had her little place in my little world...

And it's not even the hole...

It's the fact that it's there...

I don't know if the little shape faded away, or was wrenched out, or just went 'pop' and was suddenly not there. I don't know how it vanished, but I didn't see it go, didn't expect it.

Someone just called me and said "Oh, by the way, there's a new hole over there that you hadn't known about" in the middle of my modern history class...

On Tuesday, I whinged about doing aural, I sat with my friends at reccess, I had a voice lesson and stressed about my solo, I was bored in supervised, I worried about my pyschology, I worked 4-8, I served people cheesburgers and asked if they wanted coke, I drove home, I stalled the car trying to pull into the garage up our steep driveway...

but jayne...

Jayne died.