But after this day its this week all over again...

Ok, so school sucks. We'll get that off my chest straight away.
School sucks and tonight is my last shift at my dodgy job, which is 60% hurrah and 40% 'Oh bollocks I have to actually verbally acknowledge this with my employer now, -TERRIFIED-'

After that I don't know what there is really.
And thats extremely sad.

And I am extremely... bored.
Bored with this whole repetitious cycle thing.
Let me give you a step by step guide to an average school day for me...

1. Wake up at seven thirty
2. Wake up again and actually get up at 8.
3. Apologise to whichever teacher it is for being late
4. Lessons
5. Spend reccess being bored and tired
6. See step 4.
7. See step 5
8.Home
9. Procrastinate
10. Finally start doing some real work at about 8, 8:30
11. Finally go to bed at about 11.
12. Actually go to sleep somewhere between 12 and 1.
13. Repeat steps 1 through 12.

Wow, incredible isn't it?

I'm not counting down the hours to easter camp or anything... not at all

(if you're interested, its 116 at the moment)

love is a lie which means I've been lied to

So here we are.

again.

like the moment before a musician begins to play.
Chopin, Mozart, Beethoven, or Britney?
Who can know but he?
And even he...

like the moment between punch and dead arm,
you know whats coming, and you dread.
dare add hope to this bubbling agony?

like the moment between push and movement
straining, without a shred of doubt that it will work and we will roll right on into a happier piece of future.
but then...

the moment between thunder and lightning.
surreal, the soundless ripping of the sky.
As the very fabric of the sky crackles and wrenches itself into a thousand pieces of melancholy tuesday afternoons, the weave of the sky tears for just a moment, letting through the harsh light of a day unknown to mind or heart, a time unloved, unseen, breaks through. For just that minuscule moment, we wait.

And for a while, there has been flash, but no pain yet.
Truth, but no dawning.

every millisecond drags on for years as we are stuck in this moment.

stuck between 'yes' and 'but'

between lighting and thunder

the weather's strange, can't tell you anymore

though this desperate gale will drive away the jasmine and the blossoms,
leave us desolate once she has passed.
I simply cannot convince myself to be bothered, for I could never ask her to stop.


My only desire is to sit on the roof and be blown away with her, a sister in madness...

i eat poo :D

such divided hearts...

frank woodley.
is a freaking genius.

and chicken tonight ads are silly.
but my sister doing the chicken crump is even sillier.
no kidding, i nearly wet myself.

but the weather wet me for me.
wow.
that was a weird sentence.

muffin flange.

that's a weird sentence too.

lol, if anyone knows what flange is (as in guitar effects/pedals) im imagining a muffin, making flangey noises. thanks to frank woodley, i can take no credit.

in other news, he accepted my facebook request very quickly and no, the girl in the pink dress is not his girlfriend. annoying how relieved i felt.

maths test today.
another C, no worries mate!

in other news, my feet are cold.

I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar

Long days are gay.

I don't think I shall go into too much detail, because I'm sick of listening to myself whinge.

bet you kids are glad to hear that :P

basically, I'm sick of spending life dreading school, dreading work, dreading this, that or the other.

I'm over being over stuff.

I want my enjoyment back...

I want to snap out of it, but at the same time I don't want to.

Cos if I do, then I have to face the wave of stress and things undone that is just waiting for me to properly admit it's there...

oh dear...

there's nothing after all

Continuation and expansion of previous blog.
If God asks me to be a spinster.

I thought of an even worse possibility.
What if I have a steady christian boyfriend who loves me and who i love.
and god still asks me to be a spinster.

I think that one is about eighty thousand times less likely, but still.


I realised something, sitting here enjoying how contented i am as i lie on my bed, blogging, eating sushi, drinking chai and listening to amber rubarth while it rains and blows a gale outside, that there is a gap in my contentment.


I am very nearly completely incapable of contentment without other human company.

I am never fully present in my life.
I'm always thinking about something else.

Honestly, even if I had a guy, I would imagine him into something more perfect than he was.
How scary is that...



and if God asks us all to be spinsters, we are SO living together.
if its just me, you still get to be my sanity :P