I'm not in love, this time, this night

So, its been a long time since I wrote anything here, but as I am very busy not listening to my english lecture, and I was looking at this blog the other day. Since the header photo is oh so pretty (and no, I'm not blowing my own trumpet here, check the disclaimer) and this blog holds so much of the past, I figured it was worth pretending to maintain.

I found it really interesting, rereading the last post, and even more so again that I've not written here since then...

If I was meant to have had my 'wow, this is real life' moment already, I must have missed it. Yeah ok, school was sheltered, I know that. But I don't feel that I've magically stepped into real life. In fact, I feel that I've just learnt to do a much better job of avoiding it, which certainly can't last.

So I don't know where I'm at, if i'm honest, or why I'm writing this, or why I am so tired.

But I guess that's just my reality right now...

she was drinking tea in the garden

So I decided it was about time I put a post up again, and push out that horrible angsty one that's there right now haha. So...
So I don't know, I'm trying to find a way to pin down a single one of the squillion things swirling about in my brain right now.

As much as I'd like to write about the things that are happening around me, they are not mine to write about. I'm concerned about them, certainly, and deeply, but I know I can't properly understand what the people around me are going through, because I'm not in their respective positions.

So, I'm gonna talk about the future.

It's just occurred to me that its, you know, real. And headed towards us.
Not just university, although that's exciting and terrifying enough all by itself, but that, realistically, is only 4 years. And for the exact purpose of going out and living a real life. We're no longer aiming for courses, we're aiming for professions, lifestyles. Reality. (ok, so we haven't got Uni offers yet, and we are still technically aiming for courses, but my point still stands)

I dunno, really. I guess it just hit me that 'the future, it's here, it's bright, it's now...'

And as for you, you still make me angry. I would still talk to you if I were to see you in person, and I want good things for you, and all the usual cliched 'i forgive you but i still don't like to be around you' things. (And, on a side note, I know that it isn't up to me to forgive you or not)
But this whole thing that you keep repeating on your tumblr, about not knowing what life is really like until school is over... I have to put my two cents out there.

I might be being naiive, and I suspect this is the case, but I've had and quit two jobs, planned, funded and helped lead a four week overseas trip without my parents, I've had my heart broken, I've made mistakes, I've had my very identity questioned and I have answered.
I've had friends and lost friends and made new ones, said stupid things, hurt people and tried to make it better, swallowed my pride when I didn't think I was wrong.
I've given so much of myself at times that I can't function, loved people so deeply and worried so intensely that I can't sleep or think straight.
I've been so scared I cannot breathe.
I've been lucky enough to count people as family who aren't, I've had a ridiculously blessed life, I know this.
But I've cried so hard I feel like I'll explode, I've laughed so hard I've cried, I've loved, I've lost, I believe I've lived.
There is much, much more of life to come, I know that.

But I can't believe that the last 17 years have been nothing, and despite still being a child, fresh out of highschool, still living at home and out of my parents wallet, I will not be patronised.

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone

I won't lie, I wanted you to ask how I was today, so that I could say bad.
Although I said to him 'You're lucky I'm ok with all of this, or that comment would really have hurt me', I realised soon after that I had lied, and it just straight out hurt my feelings. That sounds sort of half-assed and lame, but heart-broken is too much, so oh well.

You went to punch me in the arm and said 'hang on if your ovaries don't work, are you still a woman? does that mean I can hit you?'

Needless to say, I was shocked. For those who don't know, I have polycystic ovaries syndrome, its pretty common, i have it pretty easy and i'm generally ok with it, go google it if you want.

Although I know that of course I am still a woman, and the fact that I will probably have to use IVF to have my own children doesn't jeapordise my feminity, it still hurt. And although I know full well the answer to the question is ' how dare you say that to me, of course I am still a woman and i will punch you back harder anyway', I have to admit, the question still stings.

And yeah, I wanted you to notice that I wasn't smiling, but I guess I am too good at faking my way through, chances are I told you I was OK without even noticing I did it. Besides, right now you are a whole different kettle of distant fish...

Frame me and hang me on the wall

Ok, I won't deny, this trivial stuff is getting to me today.

I am sick of feeling like I am not being listened to.
I am sick of the 'just in case' policy. The 'just in case' policy leaves you with 50 million times more stuff than you needed.
I am sick of trying to get this organised between so many people.
I am sick of your tension.
I am sick of my tension.
I am sick of my hypocrisy.
I just want to be there already, and relax.

So, valid point, I need more sleep, and my fatigue is making everything more annoying.
But for crying out loud, did I not say all of this twice already??

I can't get no...

Alternative title : dear church,

We sing 'God be the Solution', and about healing broken hearts, breaking chains and though I believe that a faith community has the power and potential to do that, and I certainly believe it of God, these days I believe it less and less of the church. As the days roll by, I do my best, but I cannot overrun this restless dissatisfaction.

If it wasn't for the fact that I am determined to make a change, I think I would just leave. If it weren't for the the people, I would just leave.

Can the church ever do what we promise to? can religion ever actually work?



am I doomed to spend my entire life pouring myself into something I don't entirely believe in? Trying desperately to make it work?





will it ever?

are you going round the twist?

I am a sheep, so here I am writing letters, copying Ben at Closer to the Heart, just like leish at L is for Leish

and no, no my lettering is not the same as theirs, and i'm not gonna try to be comprehensive like leish lol.

A: I am really angry at you. For a while I was, then for a while I wasn't, and now I really, really am. (the end of that sentence is kinda awkward...). You screwed him over, twice. You know better than anyone what that would do, you knew, and still know, that there is more to this than you, but no, thats fine. Go off and be happy with some other guy, its bitter of me, and I'll probably just give in and talk to you, but I don't want you to be there, I don't want to see or hear from you that night. Just stand in a corner and remember that no-one wants you there, and that you had no right to do what you did.

M: I cannot wait to spend big chunks of summer with you, I've missed our chilled out fun times together, the loose-lips florence days that just don't seem to happen anymore. Basically, I love you to bits, you are super beautiful and you're still one of my closest friends, even though we seem to have drifted just a teensy bit, i'm gonna steal you right on back, i'm determined that we can be even closer than we were before all this stress-shit :)

T: I miss you so much! I'm so glad you have such an amazing girlfriend to look after you, even better than I used to, it is good because now I get to just miss you, and not worry :) If you hadn't twigged by now, you must keep this girl!!! (listen to your mother :P) I can't wait to see you at formal, or hopefully before, I have got some really tall shoes so you won't make me look like a midget in the pictures :) Oh, and just because its tradition now, I am going to break your ribs with a hug :)

S: I can't believe we are all leaving you already, even being back with you today felt weird, and its only been a few days. There are some things that I am so glad to never have to deal with again, but over all, I'm going to miss you! But I guess that is what happens when life happens, and we both know i'll be back.

M: You truly light up my life just by being in it, and i'm never letting go of you <3

K: Even if we drift over the next few years, we both know we'll be together in the end, and God has his hand over whatever happens, I'll always remember you very, very fondly every time I hear mighty to save, and you always have a special little spot in my heart :)

H: Sometimes when you walk into a room, you are just so damn hot that a little piece of me dies inside :P but THEN you are just so funny and lovely and beautiful to be around, that I don't even care! Your party was absolutely smashing, and you are just amazing to be around in general. love you!!!

R: If I have to take a million beautiful pictures of you and tell you a billion times that you are incredible to look at, be around and have the pleasure of calling my friend, i will. Because a person as wonderful as you are deserves to know it.

C: I don't really have a lot to say to you here, because these days I can just talk to you about whatever, whenever. So I guess I will just say, that that means a lot to me, and I am over-the-moon-happy to call you my bestie, finally lol. You are one of only two people I can be totally honest with, and that means a lot :)

B: I freaking love you. I love that you are so kind, sweet, ready to help others even with so much on your own mental plate, and just the cutest damn thing ever to walk the earth. And because I never lie to you, because you'll know and never listen to me again, I will say that you are a little too honest sometimes, which you know, but as you so beautifully put it the other day, our love is a rock <3

V: Sometimes I want to hit you, but sometimes I want to hit a lot of people haha. I love you very much, you know that, and I miss you heaps, which I hope you know too. Looking forward to seeing you again, and more often. <3 <3 <3

B: Back off my best friend. You might be better at maths and science, and be able to kick my ass in any video game but solitaire, but seriously. Back off, or be prepared to have your ass kicked IRL, public school style. I don't even care if i have to take both of you at once, enough is enough.

W: I know from reading your amazing blog that you can feel a bit unnoticed and unappreciated, but I want you to know that I think you are a really amazing guy, and an asset to everything you are involved in. Your girl is so lucky to have you, as is our whole group. We love you!!!

S: I miss you so much! Its like, I sort of see you every week, get a touch base and a big hug and a reminder to each other that we are still brother and sister, sometimes I text you when songs make me think of you, but mostly I miss our amazing chats that actually mattered. we've gotta catch up, ok?

Unfold me...

So, I am still pretty worried about You, but I am determined to blog about something other than that...

I am realising, slowly but surely, that the end of year twelve means the end of all of it. It means the end of seeing each other, and in all honesty, it probably means the end of a lot of friendships.

Sadly, I have actually got lists of people, in categories of
'if I lose these people I will die'
'definitely try to keep in touch with'
'I'd love to, but sadly its unlikely'
'maybe, but probably not'
'swap professional details in a supermarket aisle in ten years'  and
'no. just no.'

And I have to say, there is a serious bell-effect going on there. Lots in the middle, few at either end.
The few at the top end, I am sorry, but you are not escaping me.

  Wild horses couldn't drag me away

everything will be alright...

A few things on my mind tonight.

First, final assembly was disappointing and anti-climactic, but next week we will leave and not come back. This is....well I don't really know what it means to me right now. I am just very, very tired. So, a little sad, a little scared, a little happy, a little excited, a lot numbed.
A lot tired.


Second, I am so worried about you. Again. I thought maybe you were getting a little better, but then we talked properly again, and I see now I was very wrong. And I want to talk about you with somebody, but I'm assuming you haven't told many people, and I'm sure not going to assume to the contrary.

But far out I am worried...

Its like you fell into a hole. you fell into a hole, and everyone thinks you should be getting out of it by now, so you are standing on your toes and jumping up when they walk past to make it look like you are getting somewhere. They all believe you, but I come and sit by the hole and say 'hi', watching you and frowning intently. 'Whats wrong?' I ask. 'nothing', you say.  You try to tell me its fine, i don't believe you. I will keep frowning and keep saying hi, keep not believing your lie until you are ready to admit it.
But what more can I do?
I am increasingly thinking the answer may simply, and always, be...

'nothing'

and all I said in my quietest voice was...

I needed you as much as they do...

Time was never money.

So today I am in a brilliant mood, so I thought I would liven up this poor little 'ohemgeeschoolsucksifeellikeiamdyingandmybrainisfallingawaylikewetcake' blog thing and get some happy up in here!

Today is just....good.

I had a nice chat with the bakers delight girl about buses, and city, and state library, classics, year twelve and school. Dropped my resume off at the fine foods cafe and grabbed an amazing mocha, then dropped my car off at the ultra tune, where the man was lovely, great service, and he even opened the door for me when I was drowning in laptop, handbag, books and coffee.

I love public transport. This might seem weird, but when it works, and especially when I get amazing bus drivers like I did today. Funny man with an english accent, commented with joking jealousy about my coffee and I said 'yeah haha, what I haven't spilt on myself...' he replied 'spilt! surely not! I mean its one thing to love it, and maybe bath in it, but spill it?'. He also was a great driver and we were spot on time.

All of these people, two of my best friends who are sitting across from me, the tie around my neck and waistcoat on my shoulders and the lovely stack of helpful apartheid related books beside me have made my day, and it's not even half through.

And to top it all off, I think I just met my soul mate lol. Young girl just walked past in the library, heading towards the newspapers wearing a short-ish black skirt, cute floralish shirt thing, gorgeous tweed jacket, shiny black shoes that were like flats with platforms and the most amazing tights I've ever seen. White one leg, black the other, Cruella de vil would die of jealousy and suffice to say, I must have her. Or, you know, her clothes.

So basically, I am very thankful for the little blessings in the form of smiles and switchfoot, dancing and singing in public because today, I truly cannot help myself.

God is good.
Hope is never-failing.
Faith is mine.
Grace is free.
Love is real.
Hope is strong.

It always comes back to you...

So I wrote this a few days ago when I was in the middle of rapidly swapping between tailspin and frozen with fear and I want you to know that I am slightly more ok now, have picked myself up and kept going. Still lots of conquering to do, but at least for now I know I can do it, which is a big deal for me at the moment. But no worrying, ok? And to those of you who've helped me start this conquering, giving me ideas for special studies and such things, I owe you one, I don't know what I would have done without you. Ok, I do, I would have frozen up, driven away, and never come back. So thanks <3

Solid, violent in its stubborn refusal to budge any further, the wall is cool against my forehead as I rest for these moments. I know each will cost me later, as I watch those next to me carrying on with such ease, I just can't do it anymore.

The past months and weeks I have slammed myself against it, for each scar, tear, each drop of blood, sweat and anxiety has chiselled away another piece. 

I have fallen to doubt, illness, exhaustion. Sometimes others have helped me up, but most of these falls are unseen, and all down to me. 

The wall is left, now, with nine giant stones, all but two of the smaller pieces are gone. I know that the foundation stones are designed to be chiselled away in pieces, but I don't know how to approach them and no-one can tell me. 

So I stand here, hands and forehead leaning on it, wishing to to just fall and be over, but I know it will take much more than this. 

I know I am close, I can see the light through the cracks that I paid for with little pieces of myself. I have become currency, only a sum of energy, time, will and words. Parts of my life, heart, mind, soul, have been traded for these things and as I stare at what remains to be conquered, I don't know that I've got that much left. 

Like a child or a desperate man pulling their empty pockets inside out I pick and pull at myself. Nope, not that much left...

I know that I need to reach deeper and find something to trade, to burn and consume in a last desperate push at this wall. Nine desperate pushes, which maybe I can afford, but not with any left spare...

No more backup, no more buffer, 

crunch time.

and always, the two questions hovering over me...

What if I genuinely can't pick myself up again?

What's it even for, if I do make it, what's on the other side? 
What then?

the same mistakes again...

I cannot tell you how angry I am with you right now.
Due to the fact that I am avoiding my drama homework like a pro, I have been facebook stalking, and your profile and pictures within just happened to fall prey to my boredom.

I know what it feels like to be replaced, and he was better about it than you are. At least pretend to care, even tinman could do that much, at least for a while.

Maybe the two of you are just too alike, but the thing is, he's moved on from it, and you two were much, much more serious than we ever were.

So you broke his heart. You'd begun replacing him before you even did the breaking, so the swap, for you at least, seems to have gone pretty smoothly. Congrats on that.

You shattered my best friend and I felt sorry for you, sympathetic, said I'd look after him for you.

I cannot tell you how angry I am with you right now.

I tried to tell myself I was just being an over-protective friend and that it wasn't your fault, situations, life happens, blah blah blah. No more.

He loves you. Even now, right this second, I'd bet anything he'd take you back.
He would do anything to make it work.

And you?

You broke his heart, happy?

Of course you are, and thats the problem.


How dare you.

This is not what I planned at all...

So I'm getting that feeling again. The feeling that I will lose to her again, have to swallow my stupid pride again, try to be graceful, pull in the acting skills and smile and congratulate her. Remind myself over and over again how much I love her, that it is a great thing that I know somebody like her, that I'm blessed to call her a close friend. To shut up that ridiculous bitter part of me who will watch her make her speech and say 'it should have been me.' I bet she'll get the subject award I'm after too, and the same again. I will poison valedictory for myself cos I am too damn proud.

I'm sure you guys who read this already know this about me, but I have to be good at things, and I am essentially an attention seeker. I won't deny I love a spotlight. It is a thing that I have made a part of myself, succeeding. Writing, music, drama, public speaking. The writing was never my top thing, so it is OK with me now that I must concede to much less than best. The music...has been hard to swallow. I don't fail music, I am good at music. I failed my last solo, and my theory skills have definitely slipped. I have had to swallow that, tell myself like a bitter, cranky little child, that 'I never wanted to be a good technical musician anyway, I like to perform my own stuff, my own way.' I have had to learn that I am very far from best at music, but if I didn't have what little glory I get... And drama... I am still using the compliments from this time last week, drowning out the voice in my head that says 'you wanted the lead and didn't get it, she's better than you.'

But... I always had public speaking. It was my thing I could do, it was what was left over after all these things I thought I could be great at melted away. And by great, I mean the best in my immediate area. I know, it's dumb. I have always known there are people much better than me out in the big wide world, but I never wanted to meet them or be beaten by them in person. I am aware that it is shallow and ridiculous. I tell myself that every time I am confronted with it.

I always had public speaking, I could get up, make things up on the spot if I knew the topic well enough, I could be funny, engaging, confident, clear. I have had my eyes set on valedictorian for a while, I will not deny it. I want it. I have convinced myself that I could get it. And now...now I am worried that this incredible girl who I love so, so much, will beat me again. I am afraid of what I have taught myself is failure, I am afraid of my own injured pride, and I am afraid of my poisoning bitterness.

And yet, I still want to be valedictorian.

I wish I could say I don't understand myself...

we are all at sea...

Sometimes I read/think/hear/see my own name and feel incredibly distant from myself all of a sudden, like when you are talking to someone and turn around to realise they aren't there, and have not been for several minutes/sentences/confessions.
Like when you have rested your hand on your leg in the same place for a long time and forget it is there, to look down at it, see it, not feel it, and freak out a little on the inside.
Like when you are holding up your weight by a rope and someone swiftly chops it with a cheese knife.
Like when you forget the reality of your own name.

Oh wait, it is exactly that.

sometimesithinkiamslowlysteadilysurelylosinglargepiecesofmyselfandnotnecessarilyinagoodway

All the anger here, all the pain inside...

Something is very wrong.

My foot is glued to the accelerator, the break disintegrated into nightmare long ago.

I just wanted to cruise along, I just wanted to be happy and relaxed, but now I got sucked into this thing, and I'm just

Rushing rushing rushing rushing
trees, fences, houses, streetlights
rushingrushingrushingrushing
right on past me

as I am rushingrushingrushingrushingforward to this... this thing

This big black, howling, hungry thing.

And right before it, is this moment.

I can feel it coming.

My eyes are watering, begging me, pulling with every thread of desperation I have ever felt, pulling themselves closed, beseeching me to just let them go, just let them shut, let them rest, just let them fall right down and rest there, tired, exhausted, drained, empty, begging, completely desperate. Just let me close.
Just.
Let.
Me.
Close.

Please.

I can see it coming.

My hands are aching, splitting at the bone, pulling themselves away from the wheel, pleading for someone else to take control, to take the lead. Don't leave me hear at the helm of my own life, I can't trust myself, why should you? Don't make me fight through this, I can't, it will wrench me apart either way, so why bother? Muscles retracting themselves, pulling, pulling, pulling away from control, crying surrender, screaming at me to just let go.

Just.
Let.
Go.

I can feel it coming.

This moment, this decisive moment that I am rocketing towards.
This choice.

This choice between closing my eyes for that second, pulling my hands off the wheel and just saying 'OK, consume me, whatever, I can't do this anymore' or wrenching my foot off the pedal. Ripping my soul off of that pedal, shredding the skin, tendons and muscle and bone all exposed, all of me exposed, rip it of to slam raw flesh right back down again, find some trace of determination, some last drop of strength from somewhere, but where? Wherever it is, it's deep down, and drilling into the bedrock of yoruself, not pretty.

So what do I do?

As much as I would love to stay stuck in this moment, as much as I despise every second, I do not have that option. Pausing time, is not an option.

Give up and be shredded, or break out the dynamite and find something, and push into and through this big, black thing.

And even as I rush with all involuntary haste toward it, I cannot choose.

Even as I can see the light gleam in its eyes and feel its breath on my face...

I do not have an answer...

Breathing out joy after breathing in pain

I want to be overwhelmed. With anything.

Joy, love, despair, hope, pain.

Anything but being slowly eaten away by this stress and self-inflicted exhaustion.
And as much as it is permeating me already, and as much as I hate it, I would even prefer frustration.
As long as it's a lot of it.

Basically I want to feel enough to cry, to cry my damn eyes out.
I am tired of wandering around, being tired.
I am starting to talk to myself again, I am dreaming about politics and the men of my dreams (completely literally) and I can hardly keep from screaming at my father.





Come on, shove me into overload, we all know I'm heading that way anyway.

It's sad, but in the end it might be funny

I miss you. You aren't even gone, geographically. But I miss the real you, and I'm sure you do too.

This year (as I'm sure all the others will too actually) takes its toll on each of us, but it appears to have hit you the worst.(Note to everyone else, I am not forgetting you in this, I am just...being specific this time)

This makes me very sad, as I wonder if I should have been able to do something about it...

But you are not you at the moment, and I know you don't need to be told that.

This is not a guilt trip, definitely not. Because you are still lovely and you still listen to me whine even though I don't have a boyfriend to miss, or a care in the world regarding that matter. I think my wonderful family alone should be enough to shut me up with thankfulness, but turns out it isn't.

I just want to say... not in a guilt trippy way, that I am very excited to get my real best friend back. At the moment I get glimpses of her, and even in your current stress addled state you are still lovely.

But I can't wait for all of us to come back.

It'll happen, it has to.

And if it doesn't, I'm becoming a hermit in the Flinder's Ranges, please feed my tamagotchi.

Annie are you ok?

This is an ittie bittie study break :)

I just wanted to tell you about the mental image that is getting me through this week.
And no, it is not the sight of 'the beast' falling down an endless flight of stairs, I've hardly seen her in the last week haha. It's a combination of three people, two are fictional characters and one some of you might think is a fictional character, but I disagree.

The first, is Miranda Bailey, from Grey's Anatomy. Her role in this pile of mental weirdness is to be there to lovingly kick my in the behind when either I'm procrastinating like crazy and going to get myself failed real, real hard or when I'm going into a 'ohmygodohmygodohmygodican'tdothisohmygodican'tdothis' tail spin. Bailey grabs my chin, looks me in the eyes and says 'STOP! you are GOING to make it, now enough freakin out and PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER'. She is a little rough and tough, but she does it with love. And you know, she's frickin awesome.

Second is the Doctor. No prizes for guessing this one haha. It's either Matt Smith or David Tennant depending on my mood. Whichever one tells me to be brilliant, to be the best of humanity and all the brilliant pep-talk stuff that they give humans and gives me the best hug ever, because every single one of the Doctor's hugs are the best ones ever hehe. Oh, and don't blink, of course.

And who's the third one I hear you ask? Jesus. Jesus doesn't say heaps, he just kinda sits near me while I'm studying, or in the exams themselves, he knows how hard I have to concentrate. He keeps himself occupied quietly, keeping me company and silently encouraging me in the deepest way possible. I like to imagine him sitting there casually humming four part harmony all by himself, absent mindedly writing a symphony, or growing a new species of flower right before my eyes. Sometimes Jesus is so awesome he makes it hard to study haha. I hope this last one doesn't weird too many people out, but at the same time, I don't really care.



In other news, I'm watching moonwalker. And absolutely loving it. My respect, appreciation and enjoyment levels for MJ just skyrocketed. I'm loving seeing him at least looking happy, like the bit when he's running around in the studio, that cheeky grin, I love it.

I guess in a way I've always felt a bit sorry for him. To me he always seemed...well sad, a little disturbed. I think I agree with his being cleared, I don't know that I think he ever actually assaulted little boys or anything like that, but there was still always something strange about his kids in the masks all the time and such. But watching moonwalker, and the scenes of MJ with the kids, it just seems a little like he did what I and so many people want so badly to do, he avoided growing up and kept a great imagination.

Maybe in the real world that doesn't work. But yeah, his apparent relationship with these kids in this movie, is awesome.

Oh, and the video for smooth criminal? My favourite, FREAKIN AWESOME

Happy birthday Irene...

So very, very much to be said tonight, so few words.

I went hunting for the passage the speaker was talking about tonight, its in 1 John 3. Looked a little broader in this chapter by 'accident' and it's hit home pretty deeply, and beautifully...

1 John 3:11 'This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another.'

1 John 3:17-20 'If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.'

I suppose tonight my heart condemned me a little.

To fill you guys in, it was a really moving service at XS tonight, guy from compassion spoke to us about goodness and how true goodness is using the unique thing that God made you brilliant at, to make a difference in a world where three quarters of the worlds food is eaten by one quarter of its population, and the amount that quarter wastes is more than the other three quarters actually eat. In this world where 25,000 children under the age of five will dive of starvation and preventable disease tonight, as I sleep in my warm cosy bed. And as I get up tomorrow morning, whinging about umpiring netball in the cold, I'll earn in an hours easy work what they would earn and live on in a week and a half.

We think we are stuck in a rutt? As we complain about school, work, issues with our relationships etc, feeling that we are walking the same road again and again, going over the same cycles, the cycles of poverty perpetuate too. Twenty five thousand. Thats twice the adelaide entertainment centre. Every. Single. Day. One child every three seconds. Watch a clock. Count.

Personally, I can't do it because it's simply too painful. I'll start crying within a minute of starting. So maybe that's a good challenge for you, find an analogue clock and count for a bit. one, two, three. Make a list of people you know, anyone who matters to you, and watch a clock. Every three seconds, cross one off. See how many people you loved would have died in two or three minutes.

Every time I hear a sermon like that, or watch the videos, I can't help but cry. I prayed in a song once, asking God to 'break my heart for what breaks yours' and sometimes I wish I hadn't. But I know that this pain that sometimes overwhelms me, to the point where I cry myself to sleep, it will motivate me to use the gifts God has given me. Holy discontent style.

So yeah, I cried a lot tonight haha, that just kinda seems to happen to me, I'm an emotional person I guess. The thing was, I got home and my sister said I had a letter from compassion. I didn't leap with joy or anything, because often they are appeals for more money, which as much as I would love to give it to them, I truly and sadly do not have. But tonight was one of those magic nights, a letter from Sharon, my sponsor child in Uganda.

And the most special thing about it? She signed her name herself, for the first time ever. She's five, turning six in february and she makes my heart sing. Sponsoring her is one of the most active things I can actually do in the world right now, that and advocacy and prayer, of course.

But yeah, then I got home and found that verse and it was like 'woah, awesome'.

So yet again, I lay my big fat questions of 'OHMYGOODNESSBLARGHWHATAMIGOINGTODOWITHMYLIIIFEEEEE' at the foot of the cross and leave them there. Because really, what am I going to do with those questions anyway? Nothing useful, that's for sure.

So even though I feel much better, and very hopeful about God's plans for my life, I have to remember that the pain of the world is still there...

So, to todays twenty five thousand...
I am so, so sorry. I wish I knew your names...

You can think what you like but its not like what you think

Hey guys, if you're interested, I've got a new blog at
www.butitsnotlikewhatyouthink.blogspot.com

I'm not leaving this one, this is just kind of an extra thing. Each entry on 'truthfully...' will be a one or two sentence secret, expressed in a general way, no names or details etc, but specific to me. Kind of like 'I wrote this for you' but not as well written or awesome haha. But yeah, check it out, share some love, leave a comment :)