spoilers

I often will get to a point in a story, usually the climax; when I know how the book will end, its just a matter of how they will get there, how many people will day, how many scars you will leave with...

I know how this will end.
I know that right now, so do you I think.

And I don't blame you for hoping it so hard.
Not at all.

I hope you can believe that, please believe that, its true...

I know who's going to win this unofficial fight.

So do you.
Don't deny it to keep me in one piece, no point.
I already feel like I'm in bits and I don't really know why.

iknowwho'sgoingtowinitsjustaquestionofhowmuchitwillhurtmetogetthereandsurviveit

the sweetest downfall...

bittersweet, mostly bitter...
but not bitter angry at you...angry at me...

I don't even know who im bitter with anymore, I'd rather not be at all...

<3glitTer

Here I go round the not-so-merry-go-round...again

So here I am again.
Back to liking a guy I liked for a little while in year 8!! Full circle?
Oh I certainly hope not, I don't plan to be repeating unmentionable mistakes, thats for certain...

And here we are again, you and I.
We like the same guy, or we maybe like the same guy. But you beat me to spitting it out, so does that mean you beat me to him? Again?

Its so silly, that I can line up circumstances where this has happened, none of them your fault.
Like unmentionable number two. You stole him from me.
Saying it that way is awful...oops.

It was not your fault, not in any way.

No-one made him choose, he created the choice for himself and chose you over me.
Ouch.

Then unmentionable number three, we both liked him, everyone knew, he liked you.
You went out, it got painful, I tried to help you hold the bits together.

Now here we are, and you don't even know.
But by the time you're reading this you will.

Cos its a bit duh.
Ok, a lot duh.

Oh well.

She won't tell me whats going on. I think its just that we are getting a little cliquey and she feels shut out... But she mentioned something teeny tiny weeny and TOTALLY insignificant and irrelevant about him. That he wouldn't care what I told him unless he liked me.

Oh dear she should not have said that...

its planted that type of paranoia that is more like wishful thinking...

just the teensiest little seed of a possibility I had not considered...

oh dear...

round and round the not-very-merry-go-round...

yet again

<3gliTter

sometimesiwishiwasthetypetosufferinsilencebuticanthelpbutscreaminmysleep

its started again

Lol.
usually when I title something that, its bad.
For once it is a good thing!

And there was much rejoicing -yaaaaay-
lol, fortunately I have not been forced to eat any minstrels, but it is Big Week Out, you never know what could happen!

Actually, musician eating would be very very unfortuante, seeing as I am one :S
So yeah, spent today (midday onwards) at music practice and then 'sitting in' (eavesdropping :P) on the leaders meeting, cutting up fabric for headbands for games, carrying a couch and grocery shopping.

Basically, I had no way of getting home after practice, so I just chilled at marion church of christ (the base for big week out).

Which, by the way is this 'heaps good' (lol, injokes already) volunteer community service thing that runs for a week, with four bases around the city of adelaide, a christian youth thing.
Utter fantastic heaps-goodness, beautiful people and we get to be out in the community and show people that not all teenagers 'scare the living shit out of me' lol.

I hate mychem, why did I do that?

Its great and this year I get to be on the music team, hurrah!

And already there are injokes, like jeremiah and hats of shame and baldy. And of course open circle and say gday, in fast forward, half speed and also backwards. hehe.

And of course MC luvburger.
:D

Can't wait til tomorrow :D :D :D :D

<3gliTter

he cuts in with a harmony the voice of his own worst enemy

i miss you so much.
like, so so so so bad.
Ive tried to see you again and again and again, but youve been away enjoying greener pastures and I am left here wondering why you dont pick up the phone and getting silly with paranoia that maybe you dont want to see me.

Now you do, now your getting off your arse to organise something and I'll be stuck roughing it in the coorong, bored stiff, missing you some more and wishing i was at your place swimming instead of getting sunburnt doing nothing.

and i keep thinking stupid things like 'i guess i wont see him til the first day of school'.
And thats exactly the point.
I wont see you until then, or then, or even close after then.
Because your bad study habits tore you away from me and I couldnt stop them.

I'm going to cry. I know I am. At school.
I never ever cry at school...
cos I always have to bottle it back up again to go to class and I hate doing that, its much more worserer than just letting it pour itself out...

I feel like I've failed you.
People keep telling me that that's silly, that I'm a great friend for you, that I do you good.
Fine.
Its obviously not been enough.

I would have done almost anything, you know that?
Almost anything to keep you there with me.
Where I could look after you some more, and you me.

I feel like I was supposed to help you pull your finger out and stop spiralling.

Therefore, I feel that I have failed...
again

just tell me you miss me ok?
and mean it, if its not too much to ask...

<3gliTter

someday, when we are wiser...

hello small ones.

'sup.

Firstly, let me point out that I just worked 11pm to 6:15am and it was CRAZY BUSY and i havent been able to sleep because my mind is still going a squillion miles an hour so im likely to use very long sentences and not make much sense.

Exhibit A ^

Secondly,

me and my big fat mouth.

Now, I know that a certain somebody, or maybe two people, will read this and tell me I'm silly and being unecessarily hard on myself.

Possibly, probably, yeah ok, yes.

Don't care.

If I hadn't opened my big fat mouth two years ago and spat out that stupid theory, then maybe things today would be different.

I don't think they'd be totally different, but maybe it would hurt a little less for those key people involved in this shamozzle. Maybe it would only be 18 months, or only a year...instead of 20. Maybe if I'd just shut up and kept my silly little matchmaking impulses inside my deranged little mind where they belong then this could all hurt a little less.

Maybe if I hadn't pushed you to step out and...well step out and be happy.

Maybe then you wouldn't be so unhappy now.

I have just realised that this is getting steadily sillier cos I was about to say

'maybe if i was horrible and vindictive I could have spread rumors and told you each that the otehr hated your guts and was leading you on or something...or.... other'

that really is dumb.

But I pushed myself into this situation far too much I think, made myself much too much of the middle man and the match maker and now...

Now I need so desperately to be able to believe that I can be helpful, and helpful enough.

That I'll remember to pray enough, give a hug at the right time, shut up and let it be quiet at the right time, talk random distracting stuff at the right time...

I have to be able to believe that this will all be ok and maybe I've made up for being so damn silly all those months ago...

I think that if I properly doubt that I've been helpful enough, I will implode with insane worry.

Little teensy bits of encouragement keep my in my usual number of pieces though.

Like mum, she said when you'd all gone 'your so good to your friends'. I dont know if she will ever know how relieving it was to hear that.

I so badly wish you were all still here so I could supervise and make coffee and give hugs and tidy up after you and look after you and satisfy this ridiculous urge to mother you all. Or, big-sisterize you all.

Whatever.

I think I've rambled about this enough now...

<3glitter

if only i could promise forever

I wanna call your name, forever
And you will always answer, forever
And both of us will be
Forever you and me
Forever and ever

I wanna stay like this, forever
If only I could promise, forever
hen we could just be we
Forever you and me
Forever and ever

Forever and ever
Is a very long time Pooh
Forever isn't long at all, Christopher
When I'm with you

I wanna be with you, forever
I want you right here beside me, forever
One thing you should knowNo matter where I go
We'll always be together
Forever and ever

if only I could promise forever...how true.

I'm out here in the dark
All alone and wide awake
Come and find me
I'm empty and I'm cold
And my heart's about to break
Come and find me
I need you to come here and find me
'Cos without you I'm totally lost
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn't done much good so far
I can only dream of you
Wherever you are

I'll hear you laugh
I'll see you smile
I'll be with you
Just for a while

But when the morning comes
And the sun begins to rise
I will lose you
Because it's just a dream
When I open up my eyes
I will lose you
I used to believe in forever
But forever's too good to be true
I've hung a wish on every star
It hasn't done much good so far
I don't know what else to do
Except to try to dream of you
And wonder if you are dreaming too
Wherever you are


-sigh-
childrens movies shouldnt be so ridiculously depressing...
so here we are, ADD1 and its uhh...
worrying I suppose.
Its very odd to be comforting one while the other is like 2 metres away...
very very odd
and then the third one needs some too.
Im more than happy to give it but its just so...
it makes me stare at people at frown at them, just slightly.

Just enough to make them wonder why the hell im looking at them so much and so weirdly...

I dunno, but its my worried face i suppose, not panic worry, concern worry.
I have that coming out of my ears, now its tainted with panic i think...
as they sit together a little too closely and now theyve gone outside to talk and
THIS CANNOT BE A GOOD IDEA
but i hav to trust her, that she knows why she cant and what will happen if she does...to both of them
oh dear

<3gliTter

Make me believe again that this is the life for me

I have a something for Kate song in my head. "my tired eyes come crashing down, down to fall, fall at our feet, fall at our feet again, setting us free, setting us free and then, make us believe, make us believe again, that this is the life for you and me"

surely not.
Surely this isnt it...

We must have missed the mark.
It feels wrong to have to have days like today, unkind, unfair, unyielding days of endless comforting and talking and maybe crying and hugging and I'm not even gonna cop the worst of what will be dished out today.

We are all lying to one another!
Well, lying to one particular person.

And now I'm getting pissed off at someone else. Well, a little. Mostly at me and at humans and at the world because WE DO SUCH STUPID THINGS THAT FEEL SO WONDERFUL AND END SO TERRIBLY TERRIBLY BADLY.

There.
I said it.
people suck, mistakes suck.

THIS SUCKS
<3gliTter

never thought I'd ever say this

I never thought I would ever say this
Yay!! Its monday!!! Hurrah!
Normally I hate mondays, because I have to put up with every single teacher I have, and its such a busy day for me, I usually don't get home until 5:15 from choir, which is gay.
I don't mind choir, but I don't like spending the whole day knowing I won't get home until five.
Thats gay.
Not like gay gay, like stupid gay!
But at least I never have to work on monday nights.
Anyway, I like this monday because I'm going to colonnades.
Which also sounds like a weird reason to be happy lol.
I am going to colonnades with hammy and leish and we will see madagascar two! yay!
It is very exciting, and I shall also possibly catch up with other people who might be around.
Also yay!
<3gliTter

mumseh...

I love my mum.
Just something random.
She's so silly and very embarassing, but I love that she's un-embarassable, so I can tell people the hideously funny things she says and she doesnt give a damn.
I love that.
For example, she thinks my friend should adopt reginald as his middle name, just in case it didnt sound english enough already.
She says silly things some times and at the time it makes the blood drain down to and I swear out of my feet, but she never bats an eyelash and in truth they're really really funny, she is always good for a laugh.
The other funny thing is the fact that she picks on her older sister for being a worry wart like their mother, but she is just as bad.
And unfortunately the female family trait has made its way down to me, and now I do the gaspy thing too.
Of course it doesnt help that I nearly drop things every 6.93 seconds...
<3gliTter

------edit-------
also, she doesnt care that I like to sit on the shed roof and have my room a mess or that I'm generally a freak. I guess I'm freaky in the same way she is.
We are very alike but lately everytime I say something about me being the same as her, or about how alike we are, she says 'nah, you are yourself, your own person'. I think shes ashamed to be my mum lol ;) jk

confessions of a hug-slut

I need a new hug monkey for the '09 school year.
I still have my favourite two i<3monkeyanddilly
But neither are at my school and now the substitute hug monkey is going as well.
Here are the criteria.
1. Boy
2. Taller than me
3. Able to stand still for sustained amounts of time (stretch fails)
4. A good hugger...duh

If you think you fit, please apply :D

Lol, as monkey used to say, 'i need my fix'.
Damn right I do!


WHERES MY HUG!!!
lol.
<3gliTter