Thursday, October 15, 2009

or is it the noise of irony and boredom fighting it out for first place?

To my dearest lovely darling girl,

im sorry

I thought I should say it big because I mean it big...
I know you pointed out a few times that you aren't that mad, but I'm mad at me.
Cos I've kinda been there you know.
And still I'm a dumbass...

story of my life really, I learn important things slowly.
I can remember names, stupid acronyms for psychology.
But not how it felt to stand it pretty much the same place as you are.
until its too late.

Honestly, I think I take out my hidden bitterness at being alone on the people who aren't.
that was random and deep...

and true, I'm not actually alone.
Cos you know, friends and family and community.
And, you know. God.

But I am stupid.

So now maybe you know some of what it was like to be me at that sleepover that sad time when we cried at the notebook and you hid under a bed and annoyed me and they put a tomato in my ear and i had to call the pizza place cos Giccy was afraid of the phone and we played truth or dare and i got referenced and I nearly broke down right then and there.

But I should know a lot about what its like to feel like that.
And maybe I now I should know a little more like what it felt like to be say something not so smart but you were kinda venting more than anything and didn't want to hurt the person you were just kinda making a joke and kinda being bitter...

So, in conclusion

im sorry

and for the record, it doesn't actually bother me.
Honest to goodness it doesn't.
It doesn't bother me that you won (not in the slightest, honest to god) and it doesn't bother me that you're a bit couply.
cos you aren't that bad.
I just...

I just get bitter and stupid you know?

And for the record again, I think its great that she doesn't get under your skin. I really want to find a way to not be bothered by it. I don't even know what 'it' is.

So yeah...

im sorry

and the other comment?

the 'you'll find that out before me'. it definitely came out of a place of bitterness and insecurity and dumbassery. so I'm very specifically sorry for that.

and guess what

I love you too :)

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