Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Hold your own, know your name, go your own way

And everything will be fine...

I feel like...

Like it's getting to the point where I have to choose. Either to stand up and beat this thing, or let myself be shattered by trying to do it semi-half-assed. I mean, I'm not slacking that much, but enough to make it super hard on myself.

And in doing this, I've reached a fork in the road. Or maybe not even a fork. Just a sign telling me the gradient of the road ahead, and to either stop here and cry and let everyone else go on without me and sit here and shatter, get off and pick another road...

Or pick up my friggin act, pull my finger out as they say, kick myself up the ass.

And honestly, the more I think about it, the more the first option seems easier and in truth, more likely.


I keep trying to tell myself that if people last year and the year before and the years before that could do it, then so can I. But honestly, the year twelves from last year still look a little like superheroes to me... I know you'll probably think its just as funny and stupid as I did when you said I was dealing well.

But I've tried to re-naturalise all the images I photoshopped inside my head, but the sparkles won't rub off, the capes won't be erased, and the onomatopoeia of 'BAM!' just won't go away.

And honestly, the further I get into this year, the more it feels like the people who made it in the past must have been the minority...


And the longer I spend sitting in her classroom...
sitting frees freezing up...
sitting at home playing flash games and procrastinating...

The bigger the little doubting voices get...

Her voice is getting into my head, 'I'm disappointed in you' 'I can't believe you haven't done this yet' 'you aren't good enough' 'you'll never make it' 'just give up now'

And honestly... I'm beginning to believe them...


2 comments:

  1. naww....i'm sure you can do it louise :)
    i'll be praying for you.

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  2. you'll feel a little bit like a superhero when you finish it, i promise. you can make it. one step, one assignment at a time.

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