Sometimes I feel like I'm alone

I won't lie, I wanted you to ask how I was today, so that I could say bad.
Although I said to him 'You're lucky I'm ok with all of this, or that comment would really have hurt me', I realised soon after that I had lied, and it just straight out hurt my feelings. That sounds sort of half-assed and lame, but heart-broken is too much, so oh well.

You went to punch me in the arm and said 'hang on if your ovaries don't work, are you still a woman? does that mean I can hit you?'

Needless to say, I was shocked. For those who don't know, I have polycystic ovaries syndrome, its pretty common, i have it pretty easy and i'm generally ok with it, go google it if you want.

Although I know that of course I am still a woman, and the fact that I will probably have to use IVF to have my own children doesn't jeapordise my feminity, it still hurt. And although I know full well the answer to the question is ' how dare you say that to me, of course I am still a woman and i will punch you back harder anyway', I have to admit, the question still stings.

And yeah, I wanted you to notice that I wasn't smiling, but I guess I am too good at faking my way through, chances are I told you I was OK without even noticing I did it. Besides, right now you are a whole different kettle of distant fish...

Frame me and hang me on the wall

Ok, I won't deny, this trivial stuff is getting to me today.

I am sick of feeling like I am not being listened to.
I am sick of the 'just in case' policy. The 'just in case' policy leaves you with 50 million times more stuff than you needed.
I am sick of trying to get this organised between so many people.
I am sick of your tension.
I am sick of my tension.
I am sick of my hypocrisy.
I just want to be there already, and relax.

So, valid point, I need more sleep, and my fatigue is making everything more annoying.
But for crying out loud, did I not say all of this twice already??

I can't get no...

Alternative title : dear church,

We sing 'God be the Solution', and about healing broken hearts, breaking chains and though I believe that a faith community has the power and potential to do that, and I certainly believe it of God, these days I believe it less and less of the church. As the days roll by, I do my best, but I cannot overrun this restless dissatisfaction.

If it wasn't for the fact that I am determined to make a change, I think I would just leave. If it weren't for the the people, I would just leave.

Can the church ever do what we promise to? can religion ever actually work?



am I doomed to spend my entire life pouring myself into something I don't entirely believe in? Trying desperately to make it work?





will it ever?

are you going round the twist?

I am a sheep, so here I am writing letters, copying Ben at Closer to the Heart, just like leish at L is for Leish

and no, no my lettering is not the same as theirs, and i'm not gonna try to be comprehensive like leish lol.

A: I am really angry at you. For a while I was, then for a while I wasn't, and now I really, really am. (the end of that sentence is kinda awkward...). You screwed him over, twice. You know better than anyone what that would do, you knew, and still know, that there is more to this than you, but no, thats fine. Go off and be happy with some other guy, its bitter of me, and I'll probably just give in and talk to you, but I don't want you to be there, I don't want to see or hear from you that night. Just stand in a corner and remember that no-one wants you there, and that you had no right to do what you did.

M: I cannot wait to spend big chunks of summer with you, I've missed our chilled out fun times together, the loose-lips florence days that just don't seem to happen anymore. Basically, I love you to bits, you are super beautiful and you're still one of my closest friends, even though we seem to have drifted just a teensy bit, i'm gonna steal you right on back, i'm determined that we can be even closer than we were before all this stress-shit :)

T: I miss you so much! I'm so glad you have such an amazing girlfriend to look after you, even better than I used to, it is good because now I get to just miss you, and not worry :) If you hadn't twigged by now, you must keep this girl!!! (listen to your mother :P) I can't wait to see you at formal, or hopefully before, I have got some really tall shoes so you won't make me look like a midget in the pictures :) Oh, and just because its tradition now, I am going to break your ribs with a hug :)

S: I can't believe we are all leaving you already, even being back with you today felt weird, and its only been a few days. There are some things that I am so glad to never have to deal with again, but over all, I'm going to miss you! But I guess that is what happens when life happens, and we both know i'll be back.

M: You truly light up my life just by being in it, and i'm never letting go of you <3

K: Even if we drift over the next few years, we both know we'll be together in the end, and God has his hand over whatever happens, I'll always remember you very, very fondly every time I hear mighty to save, and you always have a special little spot in my heart :)

H: Sometimes when you walk into a room, you are just so damn hot that a little piece of me dies inside :P but THEN you are just so funny and lovely and beautiful to be around, that I don't even care! Your party was absolutely smashing, and you are just amazing to be around in general. love you!!!

R: If I have to take a million beautiful pictures of you and tell you a billion times that you are incredible to look at, be around and have the pleasure of calling my friend, i will. Because a person as wonderful as you are deserves to know it.

C: I don't really have a lot to say to you here, because these days I can just talk to you about whatever, whenever. So I guess I will just say, that that means a lot to me, and I am over-the-moon-happy to call you my bestie, finally lol. You are one of only two people I can be totally honest with, and that means a lot :)

B: I freaking love you. I love that you are so kind, sweet, ready to help others even with so much on your own mental plate, and just the cutest damn thing ever to walk the earth. And because I never lie to you, because you'll know and never listen to me again, I will say that you are a little too honest sometimes, which you know, but as you so beautifully put it the other day, our love is a rock <3

V: Sometimes I want to hit you, but sometimes I want to hit a lot of people haha. I love you very much, you know that, and I miss you heaps, which I hope you know too. Looking forward to seeing you again, and more often. <3 <3 <3

B: Back off my best friend. You might be better at maths and science, and be able to kick my ass in any video game but solitaire, but seriously. Back off, or be prepared to have your ass kicked IRL, public school style. I don't even care if i have to take both of you at once, enough is enough.

W: I know from reading your amazing blog that you can feel a bit unnoticed and unappreciated, but I want you to know that I think you are a really amazing guy, and an asset to everything you are involved in. Your girl is so lucky to have you, as is our whole group. We love you!!!

S: I miss you so much! Its like, I sort of see you every week, get a touch base and a big hug and a reminder to each other that we are still brother and sister, sometimes I text you when songs make me think of you, but mostly I miss our amazing chats that actually mattered. we've gotta catch up, ok?

Unfold me...

So, I am still pretty worried about You, but I am determined to blog about something other than that...

I am realising, slowly but surely, that the end of year twelve means the end of all of it. It means the end of seeing each other, and in all honesty, it probably means the end of a lot of friendships.

Sadly, I have actually got lists of people, in categories of
'if I lose these people I will die'
'definitely try to keep in touch with'
'I'd love to, but sadly its unlikely'
'maybe, but probably not'
'swap professional details in a supermarket aisle in ten years'  and
'no. just no.'

And I have to say, there is a serious bell-effect going on there. Lots in the middle, few at either end.
The few at the top end, I am sorry, but you are not escaping me.

  Wild horses couldn't drag me away

everything will be alright...

A few things on my mind tonight.

First, final assembly was disappointing and anti-climactic, but next week we will leave and not come back. This is....well I don't really know what it means to me right now. I am just very, very tired. So, a little sad, a little scared, a little happy, a little excited, a lot numbed.
A lot tired.


Second, I am so worried about you. Again. I thought maybe you were getting a little better, but then we talked properly again, and I see now I was very wrong. And I want to talk about you with somebody, but I'm assuming you haven't told many people, and I'm sure not going to assume to the contrary.

But far out I am worried...

Its like you fell into a hole. you fell into a hole, and everyone thinks you should be getting out of it by now, so you are standing on your toes and jumping up when they walk past to make it look like you are getting somewhere. They all believe you, but I come and sit by the hole and say 'hi', watching you and frowning intently. 'Whats wrong?' I ask. 'nothing', you say.  You try to tell me its fine, i don't believe you. I will keep frowning and keep saying hi, keep not believing your lie until you are ready to admit it.
But what more can I do?
I am increasingly thinking the answer may simply, and always, be...

'nothing'

and all I said in my quietest voice was...

I needed you as much as they do...

Time was never money.

So today I am in a brilliant mood, so I thought I would liven up this poor little 'ohemgeeschoolsucksifeellikeiamdyingandmybrainisfallingawaylikewetcake' blog thing and get some happy up in here!

Today is just....good.

I had a nice chat with the bakers delight girl about buses, and city, and state library, classics, year twelve and school. Dropped my resume off at the fine foods cafe and grabbed an amazing mocha, then dropped my car off at the ultra tune, where the man was lovely, great service, and he even opened the door for me when I was drowning in laptop, handbag, books and coffee.

I love public transport. This might seem weird, but when it works, and especially when I get amazing bus drivers like I did today. Funny man with an english accent, commented with joking jealousy about my coffee and I said 'yeah haha, what I haven't spilt on myself...' he replied 'spilt! surely not! I mean its one thing to love it, and maybe bath in it, but spill it?'. He also was a great driver and we were spot on time.

All of these people, two of my best friends who are sitting across from me, the tie around my neck and waistcoat on my shoulders and the lovely stack of helpful apartheid related books beside me have made my day, and it's not even half through.

And to top it all off, I think I just met my soul mate lol. Young girl just walked past in the library, heading towards the newspapers wearing a short-ish black skirt, cute floralish shirt thing, gorgeous tweed jacket, shiny black shoes that were like flats with platforms and the most amazing tights I've ever seen. White one leg, black the other, Cruella de vil would die of jealousy and suffice to say, I must have her. Or, you know, her clothes.

So basically, I am very thankful for the little blessings in the form of smiles and switchfoot, dancing and singing in public because today, I truly cannot help myself.

God is good.
Hope is never-failing.
Faith is mine.
Grace is free.
Love is real.
Hope is strong.

It always comes back to you...

So I wrote this a few days ago when I was in the middle of rapidly swapping between tailspin and frozen with fear and I want you to know that I am slightly more ok now, have picked myself up and kept going. Still lots of conquering to do, but at least for now I know I can do it, which is a big deal for me at the moment. But no worrying, ok? And to those of you who've helped me start this conquering, giving me ideas for special studies and such things, I owe you one, I don't know what I would have done without you. Ok, I do, I would have frozen up, driven away, and never come back. So thanks <3

Solid, violent in its stubborn refusal to budge any further, the wall is cool against my forehead as I rest for these moments. I know each will cost me later, as I watch those next to me carrying on with such ease, I just can't do it anymore.

The past months and weeks I have slammed myself against it, for each scar, tear, each drop of blood, sweat and anxiety has chiselled away another piece. 

I have fallen to doubt, illness, exhaustion. Sometimes others have helped me up, but most of these falls are unseen, and all down to me. 

The wall is left, now, with nine giant stones, all but two of the smaller pieces are gone. I know that the foundation stones are designed to be chiselled away in pieces, but I don't know how to approach them and no-one can tell me. 

So I stand here, hands and forehead leaning on it, wishing to to just fall and be over, but I know it will take much more than this. 

I know I am close, I can see the light through the cracks that I paid for with little pieces of myself. I have become currency, only a sum of energy, time, will and words. Parts of my life, heart, mind, soul, have been traded for these things and as I stare at what remains to be conquered, I don't know that I've got that much left. 

Like a child or a desperate man pulling their empty pockets inside out I pick and pull at myself. Nope, not that much left...

I know that I need to reach deeper and find something to trade, to burn and consume in a last desperate push at this wall. Nine desperate pushes, which maybe I can afford, but not with any left spare...

No more backup, no more buffer, 

crunch time.

and always, the two questions hovering over me...

What if I genuinely can't pick myself up again?

What's it even for, if I do make it, what's on the other side? 
What then?

the same mistakes again...

I cannot tell you how angry I am with you right now.
Due to the fact that I am avoiding my drama homework like a pro, I have been facebook stalking, and your profile and pictures within just happened to fall prey to my boredom.

I know what it feels like to be replaced, and he was better about it than you are. At least pretend to care, even tinman could do that much, at least for a while.

Maybe the two of you are just too alike, but the thing is, he's moved on from it, and you two were much, much more serious than we ever were.

So you broke his heart. You'd begun replacing him before you even did the breaking, so the swap, for you at least, seems to have gone pretty smoothly. Congrats on that.

You shattered my best friend and I felt sorry for you, sympathetic, said I'd look after him for you.

I cannot tell you how angry I am with you right now.

I tried to tell myself I was just being an over-protective friend and that it wasn't your fault, situations, life happens, blah blah blah. No more.

He loves you. Even now, right this second, I'd bet anything he'd take you back.
He would do anything to make it work.

And you?

You broke his heart, happy?

Of course you are, and thats the problem.


How dare you.