shocked and slightly embarassed (at the sight of larry in a towel)

ifeellikeramblingawayinveryverysmallfontwithnospacesfornoreason.
sohereiam
-ramble-
vegietalesmakesmelol
ohbarbaramanateeeeeee
you are the one for me
ill take you too the ball
i hope youre not too tall(we might have trouble dancing)

i have realised something.

its incredibly difficult to try and convince someone of something that you know is true but have trouble believing yourself.

Saying 'just trust' 'just have faith'. I suppose I do know in my heart that it will work, I also know I'm not very good at it myself.

I have an instruction manual of sorts, and I think I figure things out pretty well. I can never find the right switches and buttons though...

what day is it??
I think its saturday but it doesnt feel like saturday.
Been camping for a week, havent been to church since i got home and so sundays dont feel like sundays and weeks dont feel like they end or begin.

Its like how school weeks meld together, but more uhh...more-er-er.

lol.

I'm screwed, going a year without practising my writing skills and then jumping into english studies? I cant even think of words now!
oh well...

<3gliTter

a beautiful song i didnt know i had

Its called the cure for pain by jon foreman, he's the lead guy from switchfoot.

I'm not sure why it always goes downhill
Why broken cisterns never could stay filled
I've spent ten years singing gravity away
But the water keeps on falling from the sky

And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do
It would be a lie to run away

So blood is fire pulsing through our veins
We're either riders or fools behind the reigns

I've spent ten years trying to sing it all away
But the water keeps on falling from my tries
And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do
It would be a lie to run away
A lie to run, it would be a lie
It would be a lie to run away

It keeps on falling (x4)
Water keeps on falling from my eyes
And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord, to suffer like You do
It would be a lie to run away
It would be a lie to run away
It would be a lie to run away


When I first heard this, I heard 'broken sisters' instead of 'broken cisterns'.
I like it my way lol.

<3gliTter

a journal from 28/12/08

It's strange.
That so much I write is full of those words.
You are a hard person to care about.
Actually, loving you to start with is annoyingly easy, as is over idolising you.
Being with you and thinking of you makes me into this crazy washing machjine of versions of myself.
I feel five and twenty five all at once.
The five year old who is swayed by your actions and opinions on everything all the way down to whether or not I would like a coffee. It is as though you are the very embodiment of clique, of cool. I know you are probably not what modern society would call cool, but I have never agreed with society, perhaps as a rule. Perhaps there lies the basis of your appeal, you are different but you still have friends.
You think things, do things, believe things.....drink too much.
And therin lies the twenty five year old in me. The love and adoration of the five in me produces this uncanny need to hold you close and protect you from further pain, heal that which has already been inflicted upon your beautiful shining soul.

You make me so angry.
At you, they world, myself.
The world for hurting you, you for thinking too lowly of yourself and I too highly.
I know not the existence of middle ground. Or how to get there if it is indeed a tangible place.
I get so angry at myself for wanting to follow you around like a lost puppy and still protect you.

I dont make any sense.
Even as I write that, I doubt it. I think maybe Im scared to make sense, to be understood.
If Im not a mystery then Im hardly interesting now am I.
Maybe I feel as though I am less important if I am understood, less me.
Im so indy pop. Longing to be mysterious, alternative, indy cool, but still socially accepted, still popular.
Different enough to stand out and be noteworthy, but not so radical that I repulse the common folk, non conformist but easy on adoring eyes.

Love on my terms.

Im not important, not really. Not at the level I place myself.
Funny that I can write that, but my heart, mind, soul do not really acknowledge it.

I am selfish
judgemental
rude
false

I am not clean
kind
altruistic
honest or
of any real importance in the big picture

I fear that scarecrow has given up searching for his brain, lion has found just enough courage-substitute to get by and the tinman has his paper heart.

Dorothy however, finds no such temporary satisfaction only more questions in both Kansa and Oz.

She must find a Toto to help her keep believing that she will find a wizard and not a man behind a curtain...

And she must search for him and for herself, for a long and hard while yet, with only a promise to hold to.

Truly, that should be enough, but when all her friends have shiny new hearts and brains and courages, it is harder than ever when they say 'so what did you get for christmas?'
'...I got a baby born to a virgin and destined to die, 2000 years ago, I've never seen his face. Felt his touch and heard his voice though.'
'That could have been anyone! Buddha, Allah, Vishnu, or even Zeus!'
'But...I think it was jesus'
'But what reliability is mortal musings?'
Then Dorothy has no answer, naught at all but doubt.
So why then does she not carry on alone?
Could she leave them?
Could she bear to have naught but the company of a wizard she cannot see?
Ah slippery promises...

All I know for sure is this

I don't belong here,
no I dont belong here
Ill carry my cross and sing where I dont belong
Easy living, easy dying
Come on and let me down
'Cos I dont belong here

<3gliTter

I got nothing.

I feel so.....

dry
lonely
stagnant
hollow
cynical
fake
stupid
empty
lost
infomercial soaked

traitor to my faith and to my family.

my church family and my blood family.

because everytime my parents say 'is that really the christian thing to say?' I dont think to myself 'gosh id better step up and be better' I think 'wake up from your little churchy bubble and smell the coffee, this is the real world darling.'

Christian group makes me like that, every answer they give in a debate just feels so awfully sunday school textbook 'jesusbibleprayer' answer to life and lifes difficulties.

I want to scream at them. I really do.
I remember times when I knew what was right but it hurt like hell and I want to scream at them that its not that simple, its not that black and white.

Life is not the bible sugar.

thats what I want to yell at them.

And...I know that the bible is gods word, and I know it is relevant to now (no matter what people say, its relevant to human souls and i happen to have one, despite the fact that its in terrible shape, its there) and I know I wouldnt mean it if I yelled that, but thats what I feel like.

I'm incredibly cyncial, and i piss myself off with it.
A lot.

I want to be how i was when I was little.

People tell me I had amazing faith when I was small.
I used to dance in the aisles at church for no reason and mum tells me it was actually worship, not just a little girl being dumb.

I became a christain when I was 7 and promptly told everyone i knew.
It was so real then...

A simple, beautiful, romantic story.

man has child
man loves child
child claims independence
man loves child too much to deny it
child falls flat on face
runs from man
man chases child
sending them paper planes saying
'i love you more than you can know, come home and ill show you, please, i miss you'
child screws up paper planes and uses them to wrap fish
one paper plane sticks in childs skull
gets read
child understands error of ways
returns to man
both are very happy
both live in loving flawless relationship forever


unfortunately im still wrapping fish

well, i think i went home
but i got bored with being content
and went independent again, telling myself i wouldnt stuff it up this time
now im back to wrapping fish

i guess if you are lucky
people around you who start throwing paper planes as well
or maybe rocks, people arent as skilled and tactful as god
which maybe is why i get angry when people tell me what i know is right
because they just threw a rock at my head


lol, i just totally plagerised the bible, prodigal son with paper planes much.


forty six to go...
or is it forty seven?
I dunno if this one really counts...

<3gliTter

pirates of the carribean at years end

Heh, I like my title.

Yay for ummm 'drawing inspiration from other artists'.

:) Plagerism is my friend.

Lol, not really, although they do say the imitation is the highest form of flattery. So Eddings and Tolkien should feel very flattered by young chris paolini...hmmmm....



So here I am. Watching some new years video hits crap that is currently playing electric feel, could be worse. They played dance floor anthem before.

What if I want to be in love?

I don't think I do though, but I know that lots of people do.



So yes, here I am at 11:15 with 3/4s of an hour of the year left.

Blogging.

Very, very sad and pathetic of me, but I'm bored shitless. Because my friends are lazy if I don't organise them and so I'm home, with my parents and my parents friends and my sister and my sisters friends. Yay...



Thats ok, my sisters friends are pretty cool, they are nerdy, but they are genuine and I think Ali would do well to hold onto them. They're sweet and honest and kind. And they like doctor who, which never hurts :)



I'm sure I had something deep and meaningful to say, but I can't think of it now...



It has been a humungous year, both in the worlds world and in mine.

-unfinished-

Before I type out something I wrote on the train last night, a few messages.
To samaritan: yes I know your list pwns mine, I like them heaps better than mine anyway lol.
To car crash hearts: Yeah I probably will write songs and call them that, theyll most likely be irrelevant.
and finally to the knower of all: get a hobby, seriously.

Strange

Its strange
Strange to spend 15 minutes totally engrossed in another world that you know is not real, to step out into another world that also doesn't seem real.

Its strange
Strange to feel as though you know a person you've never met better than yourself.

Its strange
strange to be suprised by your reflection every time.

Its strange
Strange to be a stranger in your own mind.

Its strange
Strange to see two versions of yourself and know that one is true and the other easy.

Its strange
Strange to try and choose which side of you you'd like to win.

Its strange
Strange to actually feel totally disconnected from both of you.

Its strange
Strange to be looking at both of them and choosing which mask fits the best

Its strange
Strange to know that neither is the absolute truth, but knowing you dont know the way to
absolute truth, only how it feels when you find it.


Just something random...
<3 gliTter

Random song titles

Hey all
I am currently bearded...
with black acryllic paint.
Gee, thanks bonnie T_T

Anyway, tom and I came up with 3 random song titles yesterday and I thought I should post them before i forget.

1. Sweet salvation with a paint scraper
2. Irony is like a sponge
3. Shot on sight

You like?
I like lol.
<3gliTter

hello all



I am tired, hungry and covered in paint. However, I smell much better due to deodorant and clean clothes. Huzzah!

a little song i wrote in my head in ban ho

i look younger
than i did
i feel older
than yesterday

i look cleaner
than i felt that day
i feel leaner
but you wouldnt know it

and ive tried so hard to believe in your beautiful stories
and i know youve made a fool of me
i wont be her anymore

you looked kinder,
when you werent
your a liar
this i know for sure

and ive tried so hard to believe in your beautiful stories
and i see youve made a fool of me,
i wont be her anymore

now i see ive been deceived
i wont believe it any longer

yet again youve made a game of me
i wont play it anymore

a game of me
a song of you
i wont play either anymore



i dont know what its called yet, but i like it. Tis very melodically melow :)